Unrequited
by writersrefinery
Summary: Picks up from the end of "Collateral Damages" when Tuckson is confirmed. Ed and Olivia are dating and Elliot has a new love interest. What happens when the former partners reconnect by chance after five years? Olivia struggles with her new feelings for Ed and old feelings for Elliot while trying to balance motherhood and being CO. What will she choose? Rated T but will turn to M.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** Ok gang I'm back at it again. This fiction comes with a serious warning. Anyone who knows me know that I am all about Bensler and no other ship. However, Tuckson is present in this story so read at your own risk. I don't want to give away spoilers so if you are willing please just trust me…..but I understand if you don't want to read. Also, this story starts off from the scene at the end of "Collateral Damages" when the mystery man is revealed to be Tucker. One slight change in this story is that Pippa Cox is single and not married to Hank Abraham even though the Abraham case is briefly mentioned in this chapter. I really liked her character in the episode and thought it would be cool to include her in a fic.

Ok...enough talking. On with the story….please let me know if you all are interested in me continuing. Say in a review maybe?

* * *

"Still up for that nightcap?" Ed Tucker asks, hands in his coat pocket trying to keep warm through the cold weather.

Glad that he remembered their lost plans, Olivia sighs contently. "Yeah, I really could use a drink." It's been yet another hard and long case and she doesn't know if she's just tired or if all the cases lately have been harder than years past. Turning towards the nearest bar, she sees it's full of young drunks and noise and that's just not where her head is tonight…or any night. "Uhh you know what? Not here."

His hand falls from the small of her back and she's still getting used to his touch that's more gentle than she ever thought it could be.

"Wherever you want to go," he shrugs. "You tell me."

Walking towards the curb, she soon falls in step. "Ok."

He's being agreeable and easy and she's thankful because that's exactly what she needs right now. Easy. Her arm links with his, her mind swimming temporarily between the case and the shift in the relationships in her life lately. Those thoughts are normally reserved for late into the night while unable to sleep and trying to figure out what's missing in her life.

"Do you want to go in there?" Ed asks a bit more forcefully jarring her attention. "You ok?"

Stopped abruptly on the curb, a few annoyed bystanders walk around them.

Olivia shakes her head trying to snap back into the present. "Uhh yeah."

"Or we can go back to your place or something if you want?" he offers and a blush creeps on her cheeks. They are not ready for _that_ yet. At least she's not but she's beginning to suspect that he is. That he's ready for something more. They've only just begun seeing each other here and there casually over the past month, not even a kiss yet except on the cheek. Anything behind closed door feels like she would be leading him on.

"Uhh, let's go in there," she nods toward the small bar with just a few patrons and he gives her a knowing smirk. The hesitation is clear but in another very un-Tucker like move, he's being very understanding.

"Ok."

She orders her new favorite drink of late, Bourbon on the rocks, he orders the same and they settle into comfortable conversation in the small booth. Trying not to talk about work especially the Abraham case proves to be difficult. It's so much of who they are that it creeps in even in the slightest moments.

"How's Rollins been since coming back from maternity leave?" he asks finishing the last of his drink.

Olivia motions towards the bartender for another round and finishes off her drink as well. "She's definitely a bit more tenacious as if that was possible." _And judgmental_ thinking to herself of Rollins comments to her a couple of weeks ago about addiction and putting children first.

Ed chuckles and his left hand slips across the table to grab her right one that is fidgeting on the small wooden table. He squeezes it reassuringly and she rewards him with a tight smile.

"I'm sure you've got it under control."

"You have a lot of faith in me, " she mutters briefly nodding to acknowledge the waitress who has brought over their next round.

"I've seen what you can do and what you've been through. An overzealous Rollins is no match for that."

Olivia nods again trying not to let her mind wander through the implications of such a loaded statement. The past few years have been rough, more so than ever in her life. Despite her visits to the therapists and her dates with the wine bottles at home, there are some memories that won't leave her hectic mind.

After a little more talk about his upcoming vacation and updates on Noah, they decide to call it a night. Ed throws the money down on the table and his hand is once again at the small of her back when they walk back out onto the street. After walking a few blocks with her arm again intertwined in his, she can sense that he has something on his mind.

The other shoe is about to drop. She's used to being the one blanking in and out, consumed with her errant thoughts but tonight there was something clearly bothering him.

"Penny for your thoughts?" It seems appropriate to ask even though she has a feeling it will be too heavy to discuss tonight.

Ed takes a deep breath, his black trench coat grazing hers as he leans into her body a little more. They dodge a taxi crossing the street and step up onto the next block. Bracing herself for impact, she's thankful for the alcohol coursing through her veins to help absorb the blow.

"I think we need to disclose," his voice is so faint she isn't sure if she heard him correctly over the wind.

Shit. She wasn't expecting that. Trying to come to her place and have sex was expected. Asking to meet Noah was expected. Asking why she seems to be a little more lost in thought lately maybe but not this. They've managed to keep their relationship quiet and out of the squad room, as she's done with all her relationships it seems, but with him she had her reasons for keeping it quiet. Very good reasons.

Olivia never thought she would be that person who cared what others thought but she knows that most of her squad hates Ed Tucker and she can't say she doesn't understand why. She alluded to Nick on the phone the week before that she was seeing someone and he was relieved when it was confirmed it wasn't Brian Cassidy again. He would only give her more shit once he found out it was Cassidy's boss and the guy who hemmed him up on more than one occasion.

"Wow..that's umm…that's something to think about," she struggles to say. Her eyes fixate on the street looking around for the nearest cab but realization hits they are only a few blocks away from her apartment. She shivers again more from his confession than the cold but he doesn't realize. "Do you want to grab a cab?" he offers.

"Uhh no, this is fine," she lies. It's not fine but it's better than them taking a cab to her apartment and she telling him to not let the cab leave because he needs to take it back home.

"So?"

"So….what?"

They continue to walk and cross another street. She's angry at herself because she can't think. Between the cold weather and the slight buzz from the alcohol she now regrets having a drink. Hoping nothing comes out wrong, she flips her wavy chestnut hair and smashes her black leather gloves deeper into her coat pocket to buy some time. The truth is she's not ready for this. Her private life on display. Partially because every time one of her relationships is exposed, it tends to end shortly after and she is having a good time with him. His company is more enjoyable than she ever would've imagined but she's not ready to risk the funny looks, the whispers and any other consequences of not only being one of the few female Commanding Officers in the NYPD but also known for dating the Captain of Internal Affairs.

If this doesn't work out she's always going to have that label tied to her and she doesn't know if they are there yet. If _she_ is there yet.

"You don't want to." It's a statement and not a question. When words still evade her, they are suddenly stopped on the sidewalk again.

"I get that we need to say something in case something happens but I just think it's a little soon." She's trying to say it in the best way possible without hurting his feelings or making it seem like she doesn't care about him. Ed looks around to his left and right, his blue eyes clearly avoiding making eye contact. It's clear her attempt was unsuccessful. In the spirit of wanting to make things right she takes a step closer to him and wraps her arms around his neck, their cheeks warming each other. "I'm just not ready yet," Olivia whispers in his ear.

Ed's hands are at his side for what seems like minutes but he soon wraps his arms around her waist pulling her body close. His warmth is comforting and she exhales into his neck.

"I just don't want either of us to get into trouble at work if something comes out before we disclose." He's right. Sudden flashbacks of David Haden and their precarious situation is running through her mind but she can't shake the overall feeling that disclosing right now isn't the best idea.

Olivia pulls back from the embrace, her face still close giving him her most sincere look. "Let's just give it more time. Ok?"

"Ok."

Instantly worried that he is upset, his gloved hand takes hers and they walk in silence for the next few minutes until they arrive at her front stoop. "Thanks for having a drink with me tonight."

He turns around to face her, their hands still intertwined. "Thank _you_ for cashing in on that raincheck."

His fingers glide back and forth along hers and there is a moment of awkwardness. Here it is.

"I'm not ready for that either," she answers his silent question and he chuckles uncomfortably. "Look Olivia I'm not trying to push you into anything I just know how much your job means to you and me. Just think about it."

Her rose colored lips press tightly together absorbing his words and she leans forward, hesitating slightly before her lips softly touch his. It's tentative at first but his lips soon relax and mold to hers. The kiss is broken before he has a chance to deepen it and she smiles at him shyly when they break apart.

"Good night." She's almost up the stairs and to the door when she hears him call out to her.

"And Olivia?"

"Yeah?"

"Think about that other thing too," his head briefly nodding in the direction of her apartment window.

Smiling, her hands find her pockets again to pull out her keys. "I will. Good night."

The taste of Ed and a little bourbon is still on her lips when she takes the elevator and puts the keys in the door to her apartment.

"Hey," Lucy whispers taking her legs off the couch. The latest issue of Cosmo hits the table with a small thud.

Olivia takes off coat and starts picking up the toys that are in her path towards the hallway. "He still sleeping?"

"Like a baby."

Lucy gathers her coat and bag and is out the door in a matter of minutes. "See you tomorrow Liv."

Her apartment is quiet…again. Her breathing and the hum of the fridge are the only sounds. Six months ago there was constant noise and movement, the playful giggles of her son filling the room. Now it seems like whenever she is home he's already sleep or it's really early in the morning before he's had a chance to fully wake up. She feeds him breakfast in the mornings, gives him a bath and dresses him by the time Lucy arrives but it doesn't seem like enough.

It's never enough.

She's longed for a child as long as she can remember but lately she's felt like she's failing at motherhood. Tiptoeing into Noah's room, she finds him sleeping in his bed with one arm stretched above his head and the other at his side. He started sleeping like this recently and the pose immediately makes her smile. His arm has hit her in the face on the few nights she's allowed him to sleep in her bed when he wasn't feeling well or he was too whiney and wouldn't take no for an answer. She watches him a little longer, kisses her fingers and places them to his forehead before flicking on the camera near his bed and closing the door.

It's a little after 9pm and she should be thankful that her phone hasn't rung and she can go to sleep but she knows better. Sleep doesn't come easy these days and thanks to the conversation with Ed on the way home tonight, tonight will be just another sleepless night. But not for lack of effort. She's tried everything lately, hot baths, melatonin, reading and a whole lot of wine. Nothing has worked. Instead her mind is filled with cases, her squad, Noah, her hectic schedule and recently Ed.

Olivia runs a hot bath and soon submerges herself, the scent of the oils flooding her nostrils. It's soothing, relaxing and momentarily clears her mind. The phone is close by in case a work call comes in and she leans against the back of the tub. Her thoughts quickly go to Ed's question tonight. Should they disclose? When she was Detective it was easier for her to make reckless decisions because there was less at stake. Now if there was a conflict of interest and it was exposed her position as Commanding Officer could be threatened.

Her phone vibrates once indicating a text message and she breaths a sigh of relief that at least she likely hasn't caught a case. Drying her hands on a nearby towel, she picks up the phone to see it's a text from Ed.

 _Good night._

This is something he's started a few weeks ago and it took her completely off guard. It was a simple yet sweet gesture. Responding quickly, she submerges herself back in the water.

If they disclose then that makes them an official relationship and this was something he clearly wanted. But was it something she wanted? Ed Tucker despite the shit he put her through over the years ended up being a pretty nice guy. Another surprising shift of relationships in her life. She wouldn't have guessed that about him but then again she wouldn't have guessed a lot of things about nowadays. She wouldn't have guessed that everyone that had become like a family to her over the years had all but disappeared. Munch and Cragen called here and there, not as much as she would like because of her hectic schedule. Her conversations with Nick were few and far between.

And then there was Elliot.

There had been no contact. The thought still causes a sharp pain in her heart but quickly brushes it away as she always does. Not tonight. She finished up her bath and settled in the bed with the image of her son on her iPad screen, fighting back the lingering feelings of disappointment and regret about her former partner.

Instead, Olivia had to make yet another decision and the thought alone is exhausting. She needed to determine if she was ready to go to the next step with Ed. She liked him, he filled a void she started to feel more and more lately and she had grown attracted to him as they got to know each other better. He was a welcome distraction to the chaos that had become her life and at some point when she wasn't so tired and ready to be very truthful with herself, she would think about why her life was unfulfilled even when it seemed she had everything she wanted. She had her son, a promotion at a job she loved and now a special someone in her life. But something was missing. Or someone.

She would think about that one night , but that wasn't tonight. Rolling over in bed, the outside noises distract and surprisingly lull her to sleep.

* * *

"Hey Lieutenant you have a minute?" Amanda asks knocking on the door.

Olivia inwardly groans hoping that it's not something wrong. Amanda has always been a wild card even though she's seen some improvements since Jesse has been born.

"Sure come on in."

Amanda opens a file and hands it to her. "This case something is not quite sitting right with me."

"Oh and what's that?" She puts on her black-rimmed glasses and glances at the crime scene photos.

"See the positioning of the bodies, it looks like the perp may have positioned them that way for a reason. See how he has them embracing one another? Well anyway I ran it through VICAP and I think I found something," the blonde says talking so fast that Olivia has trouble keeping up. "There was a similar MO that the Queen bureau worked a few years ago. Two different murders, four victims, all raped, murdered and positioned like this. I was wondering if it's okay if Fin and I go and talk to them."

Olivia shuffles through the papers realizing Amanda may be onto something and pleasantly surprised at her diligence. "Absolutely. Does Dodds know?"

Amanda rolls her eyes and she already knows the deal. "No." Her and Dodds haven't been seeing eye to eye and Olivia is tired of playing referee.

"Do me a favor," she pulls the glasses from her face and walks over to Amanda. "Can you just run it by him before you and Fin leave please?"

"Ok," she agrees begrudgingly and heads out. The chemistry of the team hasn't been the same due to the revolving staff over the last couple of years. Amanda and Fin have a good rapport and Carisi has found more of his groove but with Dodds in the mix the four of them haven't found their rhythm yet. She can't remember how long it took for her, Munch, Fin and Elliot to get in sync but she just hopes her squad can pull it together soon.

Elliot.

Another day. Another situation where a memory of him is evoked. Dwelling on it too long hasn't helped and only makes her angrier. She has a lot to focus on and Elliot Stabler doesn't deserve her focus. He doesn't deserve her.

There is another knock at her door and she quickly jolts from the memory to find an ADA at her door.

"Pippa? What are you doing here?" Olivia greets the redhead with surprise.

"Your buddy Barba is out for a few days on a personal matter so here I am," she announces and Olivia makes a mental note to call Barba later to see what's going on. They had become closer over the years and she wanted to make sure everything was ok with him.

"You're here on the double rape homicide from up in Chelsea."

Pippa takes off her jacket and sets her briefcase down in one of the guest chairs. "That I am. So what have you got for me?"

Olivia takes the next half hour bringing her up to speed on everything they have so far with the case, a possible suspect and they talk about forensics and witness statements.

"Good news is Rollins thinks she may have a break. Her and Fin are going to Queens to check out a possible connection with something there."

Rounding her desk, Olivia picks up her phone to see that she has a message from Ed. A small smile inadvertently plays on her lips.

 _Dinner tonight?_

"So who's the guy?" Pippa asks.

Olivia shakes her head not willing to kiss and tell. Her and Pippa have become somewhat friendly over the past couple of years but if she hasn't talked about it with the people closest to her, she won't discuss it with the ADA.

"Nobody." She responds and then puts down the phone. _Not tonight I want to spend some time with Noah. Another raincheck?_

"Ok fine I won't push," she throws her hand up in surrender. "I'm just glad to see all hope is not lost for women like you and me."

Olivia chuckles and checks her watch. It's barely 5pm and she decides to get off at a normal time today to get home early. "You mean women living for the job with no social life?"

"Yes exactly. I've even gotten so desperate that I let my friend's daughter hook me up with her friend's dad."

"Ok that sounds confusing even to me but in other words a blind date?"

They both gather up their coats and get ready to head out. "Yep a blind date. At this point I'm willing to try anything plus my friend has sworn to me that he's hot and apparently he used to be a cop or something."

Olivia chuckles again and remembers how good it feels to have girl talk again. "Do people our age really use the word hot?"

She presses the button on the elevator and they get in. "They do when it applies. I saw a picture and he's pretty good looking. The cop thing concerns me but we'll see."

"Hey, what are you trying to say? I'm a cop."

Pippa pats her on the shoulder briefly. "My point exactly Lieutenant."

In the parking garage, Olivia sends a text to Lucy telling her she's on the way and Pippa begins to walk in the opposite direction towards her car. "Well let me know how the date goes. Good night."

Pippa waves to Olivia and gets in her car to search for the number that her friend gave her earlier in the week. She's off early for the first time in a long time and decides to call and see if her blind date is up to meet for dinner even though it's last minute.

She dials the number and is delighted when he answers on the first ring. "Hey Elliot? It's me Pippa, Margaret's friend. I know it's last minute but I was wondering if you would be up to meet for dinner tonight."


	2. Chapter 2

Elliot looks at his watch mentally running through his schedule. It's a little after 5pm but he doesn't have any plans. "Yeah I think that can work. Where are you interested in going?" A few minutes later they've ironed out a date at a small Mediterranean restaurant in Manhattan for 7:30pm.

Placing the phone back on the counter, his hand scrubs down his face in a mix of anxiety and disbelief that he's let Maureen talk him into this. He's only doing this because he's tired of hearing her incessantly pressuring him about needing companionship in his life.

 _Dad you are going to die alone, it's time to start dating._

 _You still look decent for your age, women would love to go out with you._

 _Do it now before it's too late._

Whatever that meant. Maureen had shown him a picture of Pippa Cox, the attractive redhead attorney and he agreed figuring it would end like most of his dates did. It would be a comfortable dinner with chit chat that he would try and steer away from work as much as possible and once they found out he was a divorced father of five or he found them a little too flimsy then there would never be a second date.

Being alone should've bothered him more than it did but it's something he had gotten accustomed to over the years. Truth be told he relished the time alone. He had gone from his parents house to being married and as the years went on and kids were born, between work and home he never really had to time to just be him.

Elliot was off balance when he and Kathy separated the first time and being alone represented failure at a marriage that he felt he single handedly ended between his temper and lack of presence. However, this time around they had mutually agreed that the marriage was becoming something of convenience as opposed to want. He moved out a year after he retired from SVU and their divorce was finalized a year later. He's been alone ever since and he's enjoyed it…for the most part. There have been therapy sessions to help him work on himself and understand what life is like when you live it for what you want and not out of some sense of responsibility. The kids are grown except Eli and living their own lives and he realized it was time for him to do the same.

Dating wasn't a huge part of that equation because instead he focused on his undercover work he did with the Feds every few months, spent time with his son, worked out, hung out with some work friends and just enjoyed life. It was mostly content but there were those random times during the days but mostly at night when all he could hear was the sounds of the city that his thoughts turned to her…turned to Olivia.

Cragen told him about everything that happened with Lewis while he was overseas on assignment and he called her once and left a voicemail but she never returned the call. When that didn't work he sent flowers but didn't sign the card, a coward move that he beat himself up about later. Unable to stay away any longer, he went by her apartment only to be told that she moved out and he found out a day later that she had moved in with her boyfriend…Brian Cassidy. The memory still sticks with him of seeing them walk down the block of where their new apartment was arm in arm. Cassidy clearly cracking a joke and her laughing hitting him on the shoulder.

She was safe and happy. He wasn't going to swoop in the jealous selfish prick he was so many times when they were partners and disrupt that. If anyone deserved to be happy, it was Olivia Benson.

* * *

Elliot pulls up to the restaurant at 7, a little earlier than they agreed to and decides to sit in the car and pull himself together. His phone rings and right away he knows it's his eldest daughter.

"Yes Maureen," he answers without bothering to look at the caller id.

"Are you there yet?"

"I just pulled up, about to get out of the car now," he opens the door to his jeep and locks it back. "I'm now walking across the street, uh oh there's a car coming, one second," he lets the car pass by and continues. "I am now walking up to the curb where the restaurant is."

There's an audible sigh on the other end of the phone. "Very funny Dad. I know how you tend to run late sometimes so I just wanted to check on you. You don't have to give me a play by play."

He walks in the door and takes a seat by the window so he can see Pippa when she arrives. "Are you sure about that?"

"Welllll almost. Tell me what you are wearing."

Now it's his turn to sigh. "It's not a fancy place so I'm just wearing a Grey shirt, black pants, no tie and a jacket."

"Not fancy hunh?"

"No, not fancy. I figure why spend all my money if this is going to be a one time thing." He has to laugh at himself for that one but his daughter couldn't be any less amused.

"Jeez. No wonder you are single."

"I'm just joking. It was last minute so this is the first place I thought of," he checks the time again. "Ill let you know how it goes."

After another pep talk she is gone and Elliot looks around the restaurant at the other patrons. There are a few he can tell are on a date but they look far too comfortable to be on a first date. He's a little envious that they don't have to suffer through the awkward dialogue and dodging of subjects that really aren't appropriate for a first date. His text message alert dings and it's Pippa telling him that she's there. He tells her where he is sitting and she spots him instantly. She looks the same in person as the picture which is a welcome surprise. There had been situations he was in where that was certainly not the case. He stands to greet her and places a quick kiss on her cheek.

"This place looks great," Pippa remarks taking off her light blue jacket and placing it on the back of the chair. "I love Mediterranean food."

"Yeah this place is great and really quiet."

They both look over the menu and there is a bit of uncomfortable silence while Pippa assesses him and is impressed with his muscular build and demeanor. She could sense he was just as nervous as she was. "So tell me what's good here."

"You can never go wrong with their Chicken Shawarma. Some of the best in the city."

She browses the menu a little longer and they settle on Chicken Shawarma salads and grape leaves as an appetizer.

"Thanks for being able to meet me so last minute. Work has been crazy so I try to fit things in when I can," she says when the waitress walks away.

His hands rest comfortably on the table and he smiles at her. "Not a problem. I'm glad we could make this happen. Plus my daughter can be pretty insistent."

That garners a laugh from her and they are both relieved that it's not as awkward as either of them thought it would be. "How many children do you have?" Pippa dives right in with the questioning and mentally scolds herself for being so forward.

Elliot takes a deep breath taking a sip of his water. "Five actually. There's Maureen which you know. Kathleen, twins Elizabeth and Richard and my youngest Eli."

Her eyebrows raise registering her surprise and it's the reaction he's used to getting. "Wow."

"Yeah. They are all pretty much grown with the exception of Eli. He's 8 years old."

She nods her head thinking over what he said. "You have an 8 year old. How is that going?"

"He keeps me young that's for sure. I have to work out just to keep up with him, he's pretty active, plays soccer and just does all the little things that boys his age do I guess."

His eyes light up when he talk about his children and she's immediately impressed. Five kids was a lot but most of them being grown was helpful. "Well I can definitely tell you work out," her eyes perusing the bulk of muscle that protrudes through his shirt.

 _Shit._ She hadn't meant to say that out loud.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean that how it sounded," she chuckles trying to hide the blush that creeps on her cheek. Her thoughts are racing that maybe she isn't as good at the dating thing as she thought. "I mean I guess I did mean it that way."

Much to her delight, he nods his head and grins as well. "It's fine and I appreciate the compliment."

Pippa downs her water to settle herself and her nervousness gives him the confidence he needs to continue the conversation. "So how did you get roped into this?"

That does the trick. She laughs softly and tells him how her friends have been giving her shit about her love life lately because she works so much. They bond over the shared harassment from both sides of the fence and discuss the mutual friends they have as the appetizer is brought out.

He has a mouth full of grape leaves when she approaches the question. "Margaret said you used to be a cop, what do you do for work now?"

 _And there it is._ While he chews, he tries to come up with a way to answer the question while being as vague as possible. Talking about SVU never goes over well and his undercover assignments are a bit rough to discuss even under the best of circumstances.

He wipes his mouth and approaches the question with caution. "I was a cop for over twenty years and now I'm working undercover assignments here and there for the Feds," he says quickly and turns the tables. "What about you? Margaret said you were an attorney."

It works. She doesn't pry further. "Yes I work with children and family services mostly. Except right now I'm filling in for someone out while they are out of town at the Spe-"

"Ok here are your salads," the waitress interrupts. She sets both bowls down and Pippa and Elliot ask for additional dressing and napkins.

"This looks great." She takes a bite and shakes her head at the taste. "This is really good. Thanks for recommending it."

"You are welcome," he begins to eat. "Working with kids how is that?"

"It has its challenges," she admits forgetting to pick up from where she left off earlier. "But when it all works out it's rewarding too. I worked on a case almost two years ago where I got to place a little boy that was orphaned with one of the cops I work with occasionally and it was such a rewarding experience."

Watching the enthusiasm on her face hits a soft spot for him. That's how he used to be about SVU. Despite all the turmoil and everything he used to see on a day to day basis he really had a passion for what he did, taking pedophiles off the street and hopefully saving at least one child from being harmed. They continue to talk during their meal and the conversation flows easily. Elliot asks her about her interests and is happy to see that she likes the outdoors, hiking and skiing mostly. Her family is from Vermont so she's always been into those types of hobbies. They discuss his new kickboxing hobby and she is impressed with how active he is and their differences on favorite sports team. He prefers the Jets while she likes the Giants, but overall it's a good date. One of the best he's been on and although she hasn't been out much lately, Elliot Stabler has definitely won over the ambitious ADA.

Once their meals are done she orders some wine and they continue to talk. "What's your favorite kind of movie?" she asks taking a sip of her Merlot.

"Oh that's easy. Action."

Pippa rolls her eyes in fake annoyance. "Of course. You men are all the same."

He snickers while taking a sip from his wine and her eyes instantly descend on his arm muscles flexing beneath his shirt and the hint of his tattoo. "What about you? What kind of movies do you like? Let me guess, Romantic comedies?"

"A chick flick?" she counters, "I do like those but I do enjoy a good scary movie now and then, but only if someone is there with me." The statement comes out more flirtatious than she intended and his eyebrows shoot up in response.

"Oh my god," she sputters into her wine. "I also didn't mean that the way it sounded."

"Riiiight," he teases and nods his head in approval. Normally her being so forward would be a turnoff but he hasn't had much luck with what he's been used to therefore having something different is a turn on. "Lucky for you I do like scary movies."

"Really? Most guys say that and then-"

"No I do. Me and my partner used to watch scary movies together all the time."

The words are out of his mouth before he even realizes he said them. Pippa looks on at him speculatively with one eyebrow raised. "I just can't imagine two guys sitting together watching a scary movie."

He laughs uncomfortably and wills himself to not think of the images of he and Olivia on her couch once a week when he was separated watching scary movies and ordering Thai food. "Well my old partner was a woman."

That catches her attention instantly. "Oh really. How long were the two of you partners?"

He shifts uncomfortably in his seat. The last thing he wanted to talk about tonight was his former partner especially when he was trying everything to move on. "Almost thirteen years."

"Wow. That long? I thought most cops only stayed partners for just a few years."

"Yeah well we lasted longer than most," he shrugs off and asks the waitress for the check hoping the brief interlude will stop this line of questioning. It doesn't work.

"So why did you two stop being partners?" she asks right away sensing his uneasiness.

He shrugs again. "I retired so that was that."

"Do the two of you still keep in touch?"

He suspects and really hopes it's the wine more than her natural inquisitiveness that doesn't stop the long list of questions she's asking. "No we don't."

"Why?" she asks immediately and he lets out a frustrated sigh.

"Because I retired," he answers simply. The waitress comes back with the check and he fishes out his credit card while Pippa finishes the last of her drink. She watches him closely noticing the sudden tension in his posture. This is clearly a touchy subject for him but she doesn't let up.

The waitress walks away and she's right back to asking questions. "So you two stopped talking because you retired. That's a long time to be in each other's life to suddenly cut off communication."

The flash she sees in his eyes is instant. He's gone from defensive to sad and some other emotion she can't quite read.

"Jesus Elliot I'm sorry. I can be a bit inquisitive, I guess that comes with the territory being a lawyer and all."

Her apology eases the tension and he starts to feel a bit more at ease. He was enjoying his time with her and definitely doesn't want talk of Olivia to ruin the night. "It's fine."

"Well you can feel free to ask me anything. You know to make up for me giving you the third degree about your ex-partner," she offers. He smiles at her proposition and thinks for a minute while he signs the check that the waitress has just brought back to the table. It's time to take risks and move on.

"I do have one thing I want to ask you." She watches him closely waiting for the question. "How would you like to go out again?"

* * *

The drive home is quiet and contemplative. Elliot enjoyed himself and he was definitely attracted to Pippa. He was proud of himself for taking the first step to ask her out for a second date and she happily accepted. They settled on going to see a movie and dinner. Going to the movies wouldn't give them a lot of time to talk and get to know each other more but at least they could talk more at dinner.

He considered for a few minutes about if he should text her and make sure she got home safely or what the proper protocol was after the date but his mind started to drift to thoughts of Olivia. Steering clear of work talk he hoped would end any chance of her coming up but as with most things it didn't take much to remind him of her. Whether it was an old hole in the wall they would pick up takeout from for stakeouts or some place they had gone to question a suspect, almost everything would remind him of his brunette long legged partner.

He missed everything about her. Her scent, their perfect rhythm when they walked side by side, how they fed off each other in interrogations and sitting across from her everyday. He screws his eyes shut at the memories briefly while stopped at a red light and it's almost as if she is right there with him. It's hard to believe that someone who was with him everyday of his life for thirteen years, would almost be like a stranger if he saw her again.

Elliot was never one to communicate often, but when he did it was Olivia he confided in. She may not have ever realized it but she knew him better than anyone else. He wishes he would have said more, let her know how much she truly meant to him but it was too late for all of that now.

His phone rings and a car blows their horn at him simultaneously bringing him back to the present. Once again he knows who it is.

"Hello daughter of mine," he greets her turning the corner on to his street.

"Sooo everything went well I presume. I hear there's a second date." She's almost giddy and he checks his watch to see just how long it's been since he left the restaurant. "Maureen I've only been gone fifteen minutes. How did you get so much information already?"

"Don't worry dad," she sensed his slight annoyance. "Pippa is not some young gossip. She was told to call Margaret when she left to make sure you didn't have her in a trunk halfway to Jersey and she pressed her for details. She didn't give any, only that there is a second date."

He breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn't a big deal because the date went well but it would bother him if she was on the phone gossiping like a schoolgirl about every detail of their date.

"Anyway, Margaret told Callie and Callie called me," she explained.

He pulls up to the curb across from his apartment and kills the engine. "That's slightly ridiculous but I guess I can only expect that from you and your friend."

"Very funny. Anyway I won't keep you but just glad to hear it went well."

"Thanks."

"Oh and dad?"

"Yeah," he answers a little more irritated than he means to but he's in no mood to answer more questions about his date.

"I love you."

His keys suddenly stop at the door of his apartment and he smiles tenderly. "I love you too sweetheart. Good night."

After a quick shower, he's changed into a t-shirt and shorts and flips aimlessly through the television. Despite the errant memories of Olivia flowing through his brain, he picks up the phone and texts Pippa.

 _Thanks again for tonight. Talk to you soon-Elliot_

Giving up on finding anything decent on television since he doesn't watch much of it anyway, he walks to his bedroom and lays down deciding to call it a night. His mind wanders to all sorts of random things but it's not long before the image of Jenna in the squad room shooting uncontrollably fills his head and the horrified look on Olivia's face. His first instinct was to protect her. Then his mind wanders to the newspaper articles he read about Olivia's ordeal with William Lewis and how he wasn't there for her. In the still of most nights since, he's thought about her kidnapped and missing for those four days and it's enough to bring him to his knees. He should've been there. But regret soons shift to anger because he knows that if he would've still been her partner there is no way that William Lewis would've gotten near her.

His hand begins to massage his temples while he staves off the beginnings of a tension headache. It's all too much to think about but nothing compared to what she went through. He's reaching for some medicine in the nightstand when he gets the return text from Pippa.

 _You are more than welcome. I really did have a nice time. Can't wait for the second date._

His lips press tightly with a hint of a curve before he sets the phone back down and pops the pills in his mouth not needing water to wash them down.

Despite just leaving a date with someone else, he closes his eyes and falls asleep with only one person on his mind.

Olivia.


	3. Chapter 3

A few days later Olivia was walking full speed to the elevator to catch a briefing from Rollins on the Williams homicide. It turns out there was a connection to the Queens murder and there was another detective from their bureau coming in to help them investigate. She was running late because Noah was being especially fussy that morning and she didn't want to leave until she got him settled.  
Checking her phone on the way up to the squad room, she sees that she has a missed call and a text message from Ed. She puts her phone away deciding to call him back later once she has this case squared away.

"Good Morning Lieutenant," Amanda greets her as soon as she steps off the elevator. Their hurried steps accompany each other over to the meeting area where Fin, Carisi and Dodds are already waiting. Placing her bag down on a nearby chair, Olivia looks over at the evidence on the board. "Ok walk me through it."

Thirty minutes later, they've identified a suspect and Fin and Amanda are going to go and pick him up. The evidence is circumstantial but she's hoping to at least get a confession or some other details that can lead to more substance so they can obtain a warrant to search his home.

It's a typical day at the 1-6 and now that she has a little time she decides to pick up the phone and give Ed a call back while walking to her office. Her attention is so focused on making the phone call that she doesn't notice the person sitting on her couch.

"Oh," she jumps and hangs up the phone.

"Oh?" Ed cocks his head to the side and stands up adjusting his navy blue jacket that brings out his eyes. "That's the kind of greeting I get?" His stance is firm with his hands in his pockets assessing the surprised look on her face.

"What are you doing here?"

"Ouch, it keeps getting better. I can't just stop by?" Shutting the door, he moves closer to her desk.

"You've asked me that before and I will give you the answer I always do. No."

His eyes cast down and he looks almost hurt for a split second and she questions her choice of words.

"It's just that usually when you come around here it's not good news, so spill it."

He shakes his head from side to side thinking about her words. She's not completely wrong. No one likes to see IAB anywhere near their precinct, even if they are secretly dating them. Her laptop is powered up, her belongings in their rightful place and she comes around to sit on the edge of her desk.

"Ok fair enough," he concedes. "How's your case going?"

"It's going well," she answers folding her arms. "But I'm sure that's not why you are here. What's up?"

It wasn't meant to be harsh although he squints a little. The truth is his presence there is a bit unnerving for her especially considering it doesn't seem to be relating to anything professional.

"I had two questions," he moves closer and her outstretched legs are touching his ankle. The proximity makes her nervous. "One was if you were available for lunch today?"

Her eyes widen in surprise and a small smile plays on her lips. "You came all the way down here to ask me that. You could've just text me."

"I did you didn't answer." Her mind immediately goes back to the texts she ignored and curses the floor plan of the new squad room that allows people to walk by the evidence board more unnoticed. "So are you available?"

"You know how things are around here," she circles her desk towards her seat. "I will try but if things get off the ground with this suspect…"

"Understood. You will call me later and let me know?"

"Of course," Olivia nods and gives him another shy smile. Their dynamic although it's changed significantly over the past few months still unarms her. She hasn't been courted in a very long time. Most of her relationships end up in bed pretty early on. This situation with him feels more like a slow burn. Her answer seems to satisfy him and he nods his head in assent.

"And your other question?"

The tension in him rises a notch and it puts her on guard. Whatever the question is it's something that he's not sure about and it makes her tense up instantly.

"So you know Dodds is retiring and apparently there's a little party for it coming up in a couple of weeks," he goes for the air of nonchalance. "I was wondering if you wanted to come with me."

Her eyebrows almost reach the ceiling and her throat is suddenly very dry. Why doesn't she keep water in her office? Or in this case she could use something stronger. Her colleagues will be there, some she knows, a lot she won't and although she's climbed in the ranks and expected to attend these sorts of events, she didn't know if her attendance should be with Ed Tucker.

"I uhh—don't know what to say," she struggles to answer. "We haven't disclosed. Don't you think that would be a bit of a conflict? I mean Dodds will be there, it being his party and all."

The panic is evident in her features despite her best efforts to hide it.

"Yeah you went to an event with him a few months back didn't you?" She's immediately taken aback by his tone. They've never really discussed that night and although she caught a glimpse of him there she didn't know that it was an issue for him. Clearly it was.

"Yes I did and it wasn't a date," she explains carefully. "I just accompanied him there because we had some business to discuss regarding the unit."

He exhales and there is a hint of frustration there but she doesn't want to argue. Things between them have been easy which is the main reason she was interested in pursuing something with him. The last thing she needed in her life was anything that wasn't easy.

"So then just accompany me. The same way you did with him. It doesn't have to be a big deal."

Everything is telling her this is a bad idea but she wants things to progress with him and this is a step in the right direction. They've never attended anything together, even though technically no one would know they are dating.

"Ok," she agrees simply.

He lets out the breath he has been holding and puts his hands in his pocket. "Ok then. Now was that so hard?"

There is a moment of awkwardness because he wants to do some kind of goodbye gesture but she gives him a look reminding him of their surroundings. Even though the door is shut she is not interested in any form of affection at work.

"I guess I will get going then," he points toward the door at the same time someone begins knocking.

They both stand up straight as if there was something they were hiding and she yells for the person to come in.

Their temporary ADA is on the other side of the door. "Pippa hey, I was expecting you."

"I got your email," she explains walking in to greet Ed. "Captain Tucker what are you doing here?" she asks speculatively. Apparently the attorneys were weary of IAB as well.

"Don't worry everything is fine." He walks past her and stops at the threshold to tell Olivia goodbye once again holding up his fingers in the shape of a phone to his ear reminding her to call him about lunch.

"I'm glad you are here. Let me tell you what we have so far."

The two ladies settle in and go over everything with the case.

* * *

Olivia missed her lunch plans with Ed because they caught a break with the suspect when Fin and Amanda questioned him. Pippa was able to get a judge to sign off on a search warrant and Dodds went along to oversee that everything was handled correctly. They were wrapping up their meeting when Pippa's phone went off.

"That may be my colleague with some more information on your guy," she says reaching for her phone in her bag. "Oh."

A blush spreads across her face and Olivia fleetingly takes notice. It wasn't her colleague but instead it was a text from Elliot.

 _Still on for tonight?_

They had gone out for coffee the day after their date and had plans to see a movie tonight if nothing else came up at work. She liked him. He was a smart and sexy family man and they seemed to have good chemistry so far.

"I'm guessing based on that look on your face that's not your colleague with my info," Olivia interrupted her.

She hurried and responded back. _Yes of course. Looking forward to it._

"Uh no it's not. Sorry about that."

Olivia snickered at the dopey expression on the attorney's face and was happy for her. Her and Pippa had a lot in common between their long work hours and inability to maintain a long lasting relationship because of their careers. "I'm happy for you."

"Hunh?"

"Really," she cocked her eyebrow. "Are you really going to act like that wasn't a guy that was texting you?"

"Ok ok fine," Pippa held her hand up in appeasement. "It was. We've been out a few times and he's really cool."

Olivia nodded her head and didn't ask more not wanting to get into it. They weren't super close and she didn't want to get into her business more so because she didn't want Pippa in hers.

"Good for you," she muttered noncommittally.

Pippa glanced at her watch. It was a little after 4 and there would be a few hours before they heard back about what was discovered with the search warrant. "Hey do you want to go get a drink? On me."

"Normally I'm always up for that," Olivia began thinking about her broken off plans with Ed from earlier. "But I had to cancel some lunch plans and I need to see if I can reschedule for a quick bite."

"Oh," Pippa mutters sounding somewhat disappointed. She wanted to talk to Olivia about some reservations she had about Elliot. She didn't have many girlfriends any more that she kept up with on a regular basis and even though she just met him there was something about him that she really liked.

"Well," Olivia said breaking up Pippa's roaming thoughts. "It looks like I won't be able to reschedule that lunch after all. How about we go and grab that quick drink?"

She threw her phone back into purse after Ed texted saying he was caught up at 1PP.

Pippa was thrilled and they headed out to the bar that most of their colleagues frequented just a few blocks from the station.

An hour and a half later, the warrant ended up being a dead end and there were no leads so Pippa and Olivia were still in the bar talking over drinks. The time went by fast and Olivia was surprised at how much she enjoyed her company.

"He really is the cutest little boy Olivia. I'm glad it all worked out," the redhead comments handing Olivia back her phone with the pictures of Noah displayed. "So he's developing on track and everything? I know he had it pretty rough."

"There were some delays in the beginning," she explains sipping more of her Merlot. "But he's right where he needs to be now. Going to daycare a few days a week has been good for him too. My sitter is on the way home with him now from daycare so I need to get going soon." She looks at her watch again timing exactly how much longer she can stay before she gets home to greet her son.

"I wonder if I will ever have kids," Pippa thinks out loud. It's a fear she's had for sometime that she would get too old to have kids and wouldn't find the right guy to be a father to her children.

Olivia scoffs. "You are what? 40? There's time."

"I'll be 39 in a couple of months and it just gets harder the older you get. Plus I have to meet him, get to know each other, get married and before you know it. I'm 50 years old," she says dramatically and Olivia laughs lightly into her glass.

"Well it doesn't look like you will have to wait too long. Seems like you already met him."

Pippa smiles right away at the mention of Elliot. "I don't know. It's early. I like him but.."

"Buuuuuuuut….." Olivia urges her on.

"Do you feel like this job makes us a little paranoid when it comes to men?" She's earnest with her question but Olivia can't help but chuckle again. Paranoid is the understatement of the year. Amanda asked her once how she manages to trust any man in their job and the truth was she still didn't know how she did. There was one man she trusted...and now he was long gone. Her smile quickly turns into a frown at the fleeting thought of _him_ and she clears her throat to recover. "I think I'm a little past paranoid at this point. I don't think there's a word for it."

Pippa notices the change in her mood but doesn't address it. "I'm doomed."

Her dramatics bring the smile back to Olivia's face. "You're fine. What is it they say? If it's meant to be it will happen."

"Oh good lord," Pippa's rolls her eyes and checks her phone. "Don't hit me with the fairy tale BS Benson. I expected better from you."

"That was the best I can offer you," she mutters apologetically. "Ok ok. What's your concern with him?"

Under normal circumstances she would advise anyone that has concerns about someone a week in to let it go because in the beginning it's supposed to be easy and comfortable. But the truth was for women like them nothing was ever simple or easy when it came to relationships.

Pippa considers her question for a moment not wanting to come off overly juvenile. There was a big concern that cemented itself in the back of her mind.

"Something about his old partner bothers me," she admits. "It came up during our first date. I've tried to bring it back up when I see him and he brushes it off."

They are interrupted momentarily by another round of drinks being brought over and Olivia checks her watch.

"You have to be more specific. What about his old partner? Did he and the guy have issues or something?"

"Well," Pippa smacks her lips and clasps her hands together in front of her. "That's the thing. Said partner was a woman."

"Oh." She sets her glass down knowingly. "You think they had something going on or still do?"

"I don't know. I get the feeling there's some unrequited feelings or something there. I don't know if they went there but I think he wanted to."

Unrequited. This word catches her attention more than anything else. She knows. She's been there. But she's also hoping to steer this conversation somewhere else because the last thing she can actually do is ease Pippa's mind about a complicated partnership between a man and woman with unrequited feelings. In fact she's the poster child for it, but she won't go down that road now. Those are the thoughts that are reserved in those quiet moments that creep into everyday when she's longing and searching for answers that she doesn't believe she will ever quite get the answer to. And that's ok. Because for her sanity it has to be.

"Olivia you still there?" Pippa nudges her with her elbow. She hadn't noticed she zoned out.

"Oh sorry. Well I think you know from our experiences typically when you have a thought about something you are typically right. Go with your gut."

It's a half assed answer but it's all she can offer at this point.

"How was it with you and Amaro? Did it ever get complicated?"

She smiles at the mention of his name and it's bittersweet. She misses him dearly. Her friend for life. They talk here and there but it's not nearly enough.

"It was complicated at times but for different reasons. We butted heads and had trust issues sometimes but that's to be expected with the amount of time we spent together and with the job and everything."

Pippa listens intently until her phone goes off and she sees the text come through. "Oh he just parked. He's on his way in," she announces.

Olivia reaches into her wallet, pulls out a few dollars and slaps it on the table. "Well on that note I need to get going."

"No. Stay. I want you to meet him."

The request is a little bizarre but since she's already there she figures why not. She settles back in her seat even if for a moment and texts Lucy that she's about to head home.

"So that was the deal with Amaro. What about your partner before him? Was that complicated?

 _Shit._ She freezes as if the glock that's on her hip is being aimed at her. This is the last thing she wants to talk about.

"That's a story for another day."

'Like never' she thinks to herself. She has no intentions of talking about Elliot with her or anyone. Ever. That chapters closed and she doesn't plan on going there. Ever.

"Did you guys.." Pippa baits relentlessly and she laughs uncomfortably.

"Another day," she insists and nervously fidgets with her keys. "What's taking that man of yours so long?"

Pippa looks around, her eyes fixed on the door but the patrons are blocking her from having a clear view. Olivia turns around in the booth to look in that direction briefly but doesn't see anyone that would fit Pippa's description. When she turns back around she finishes the last drop of alcohol in her glass and tries to ignore the fact that despite how much she's consumed, her buzz has worn off. She's really built up a tolerance over the past couple of years.

"Oh there he is," Pippa announces waving her hand frantically to get his attention. Olivia steadies herself trying to clear her head before she has to plaster on a fake smile and meet the love interest of a woman she wouldn't even call a close friend.

"Elliot, right here," Pippa says quickly and Olivia's head jerks up immediately. "Elliot?"

Pippa is so wrapped up in the sight walking towards her that she doesn't catch the stunned look on her face.

"Hey you," she stands up and kisses Elliot on the cheek. Olivia is frozen still as the realization hits her like a ton of bricks.

Kids.

Hot.

Used to be a cop.

Complicated relationship with female partner.

Pippa is saying something in the background but it all happens so fast that she thinks she's having an out of body experience. And suddenly the moment is upon her.

"And this is my coworker.."

"Olivia?" Elliot asks and she senses the hesitation in his voice. Her head feels like it's moving in slow motion as she pivots slightly and lifts her eyes to meet his. Immediately she knows there are so many things about him that's changed, his presence here picking up a date is a prime example of that but there's one thing about him that hasn't changed. His eyes. That soft shade of blue that's haunted her dreams more times than she ever wants to admit.

"Elliot," she rasps and the sound of her voice sounds foreign even to her.

Pippa looks back and forth between the two of them confused.

"You two know each other?"

"You could say that," Olivia pipes up after Elliot just stands frozen staring at her with his mouth open. "Elliot was my old partner."


	4. Chapter 4

_Pippa looks back and forth between the two of them confused._

 _"You two know each other?"_

 _"You could say that," Olivia pipes up after Elliot just stands frozen staring at her with his mouth open. "Elliot was my old partner."_

Patrons talk.

Glasses clink together.

There's a faint baby cry off in the distance. However, all Elliot can see is his former partner staring back at him. His throat is dry, his stance stiff. Even if he wanted to move or speak he can't. Her brown eyes waver between shock, anger and other emotions that he could read at one point in their lives but can't quite make out anymore.

Olivia grabs her purse and stands up. There is talking and her mouth may be moving but he can't put the sounds together but she's there. Right in front of him. Her mocha brown hair falls in loose waves past her shoulder with a little eyeliner and a faint pink trace of lipstick on her full lips. A pale blue silk shirt and trademark black pants hug her curves and she's right there.

Still in cop mode. Still staring. Still beautiful.

"Elliot, did you hear me?" Pippa snaps and pulls on his arm to get his attention.

The gesture breaks his reverie and he's back in the present.

Olivia continues to look on, a scowl slowly beginning to form on her face.

"Yeah-umm I mean no. I didn't," his hand scrubs down his face in frustration. "What did you say?"

Pippa observes him closely. "I said I didn't know you two were old partners. You never mentioned that."

Her tone is a bit accusatory and in normal circumstances he would remember to address it later but for now his focus is solely on the woman in front of him. The woman who had once been the closest person in the world to him, who he cherished and made it his duty to protect for years. The same woman who was now avoiding his gaze, fidgeting with her phone and looking like she was about to bolt out the door.

 _No._

He didn't want her to leave. They needed to talk and if she left he wasn't sure when he would see her again.

"I told you I had a partner we just never got into specifics," he retorts attempting to sound aloof. "It's good to see you again Liv." His voice sounds dry and he clears it right after.

"It's good to see you too." Her words tumble out hurriedly and he knows what's coming next before she says it. "So I need to head out. I'll see you two later."

Olivia clears her throat and takes one step forward to walk on the side of Pippa towards the door when her keys fall out of her hand.

"Shit," she curses under her breath. She needs to get out of there and everything from the waitresses who keep walking by to the sudden increase in people is making it harder and harder for her to make it to her ultimate destination.

The door.

"Liv-I mean Olivia," he corrects himself from using her nickname. "Don't leave. Why don't you join us?"

She pivots to look at him as if he's crazy and doesn't miss the surprised glance on Pippa's face. There's no way in hell she's staying. In fact, hell would be better than sitting in a bar with her colleague who is now dating the man that was once the center of her world. They haven't kept in touch and this was not going to be the day that gap was bridged.

"I've got to get going. I was already running late," she explains pointing to the door for emphasis. Olivia tries to look over his shoulder instead of in his eyes to make the situation less awkward but the damage has been done. There will be an uncomfortable conversation that they will both end up having with Pippa and she couldn't be more annoyed.

"It won't take long," he pipes up stepping towards her. The movement catches her attention and their eyes are locked on each other again. There's something there. It's familiar and foreign at the same time. The air between them was thick with years worth of regret, anger and something else neither are willing to admit.

She's missed him so much and hates herself for it. He wants her to stay. That's evident. What's not clear is why. No explanations could make up for his absence for the past five years. Elliot Stabler had been filed under "been there, done that, moved on-well try to move on" and she needed to keep going in that direction. It wasn't worth reopening that wound. While her mind went through everything they were still there. Just standing. Staring.

God, he missed her. There was so much to say and although this wasn't the time he just needed to know that there would be a time. Sooner or later. Whenever.

Pippa cleared her throat and they both jerked their heads to look at her.

"Olivia actually has to get home to her son," she says pulling his arm back in her direction.

 _Son? She had a son?_

He blinks rapidly letting the thought sink in. She has a child. A son. Motherhood was something she always wanted and now she has that. So much has changed. Cragen had never mentioned him.

"Yeah," Olivia jumps at the out she's just been given. "I need to get home my sitter is already there so….." she pauses not quite sure how to end this. "I will see you later Pippa. Bye Elliot."

"No wait." The panicked words are out of his mouth before he realizes it. She can't just leave. He steps closer to her, freeing his arm from Pippa's grasp. "Can you give me your number and we just….talk? Catch up?"

It sounds innocent in theory but her nervous stare quickly shifts to an angry glare. "Actually my number is the same. It never changed." There were things about her that had changed and her firm stance when she was angry was not one of them. "I need to go. Goodbye."

Before anymore words can leave his mouth, her long strides took her halfway across the restaurant. Olivia Benson had walked away from him but he was determined to make sure it wouldn't be for long.

* * *

"Noah one more story and then it's time for bed ok?" Bargaining with a two year old to go to sleep was not easy but Olivia had become used to it. The toddler's eyes rolled back in his head giving away his exhaustion but he was fighting sleep with everything in him. As she read him another story in a soft lulling voice, her hands caressed his mop of brown hair and he was soon drifting off.

"Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight noises everywhere," she finishes and places a kiss on Noah's forehead. She tiptoes quietly to his bed and laid him down, careful not to wake him. Kissing him again, she watches him for an extra minute basking in his presence.

Olivia was still amazed that she was a mom. And that she managed to create a little family of her own.

"Good night sweet boy," she whispers walking to the door and shutting it quietly. Standing in the hallway, she takes a deep breath and leans her head back into the door. The day is winding down. There are some work emails to catch up on and a call or two to make but her mind shifts to the events of a few hours ago. The events she effectively put on hold until she got home and settled.

 _Elliot._

 _Elliot was back._

 _Elliot was divorced and on a date...with Pippa._

She shook her head trying to clear the pictures from her mind. Overthinking was her specialty in these types of situations. Breaking down the way he looked at her, his body language, what he said and with Elliot most importantly what he didn't say was something she needed to ponder.

Beginning to feel drained by the speculation already, she walks the few steps into the kitchen and pulls out a bottle of wine. While pouring the Cabernet she looks down briefly at the small scuff mark in front of her black boots. The proof of her eagerness to get away from her old partner.

After being given a perfect exit strategy by Pippa, she had managed to get almost to her car before the tears blurred her vision causing her to almost tumble over a cement block in the parking lot scuffing her boot. Olivia had been determined to not let Elliot see her fall apart. He didn't deserve to know that despite all her efforts to try….she still cared.

Her short manicured nails drum anxiously against the white tile of her kitchen counter while she sips from the glass thinking about everything Pippa said about him. They had chemistry clearly and Pippa liked him. It wasn't rational but the idea of the two of them together pissed her off. _They were supposed to go to the movies and dinner tonight._

 _Were they still on their date? Did Pippa feel insecure about her and Elliot's interaction and call the date off? Or worse did they still go and he was dropping her off at home right now? What if he went upstairs and they had sex?_

A low groan escaped her throat and she refills the glass with more wine quickly. She had no right to have these thoughts. Elliot was a grown man and could do whatever he wanted to do. And apparently what he _didn't_ want to do was keep in touch or maintain a relationship with her. She could tell he was shocked to learn she had a son and a small part of her took twisted pleasure in that. She had managed to move on with her life and achieve her ultimate dream without him. A small triumphant smile played on her lips for the briefest of moments. Then her thoughts turned to everything else.

She had become a mother and she had become a lieutenant, two major accomplishments that she isn't sure would've happened if Elliot had still been in her life. Or at least that's what she told Nick when he let her know that he was leaving too.

Her breath catches for a second and she sets down the empty glass. The alcohol hasn't kicked in completely but she starts to feel a little more relaxed and a small pang of sadness.

Olivia learned early on in her life that everyone always seems to leave. Friends came and went as she grew up, her mom left her long before she actually passed away, her half brother who popped in and out only when he needed her, her coworkers who had become like her family had left and moved on. Plans to keep in touch never panned out and she talked to them sporadically because of her hectic schedule.

And then there was Elliot.

With everyone else there was a plan or an occurrence. Their departures were not sudden even in Nick's case it was unexpected. There had been a chance to say goodbye. With Elliot, there was just the sound of his voice on the voicemail greeting she heard when she called him over and over again and he didn't bother to answer. Never bothered to tell her goodbye. She called that phone more times than she cares to ever disclose and in moments of desperation she called not expecting to hear him pick up, but just to hear the sound of his voice.

A tear slides slowly down her cheek and she furiously swipes it away. The sadness disappears and is quickly replaced with anger.

 _Fuck him._

She's not interested in talking or anything else. They've moved on and it needs to stay that way.

Olivia is untucking her shirt and about to reach for the bottle again when her phone rings. It's Ed. Her finger hovers over the button debating whether or not to decline the call but she answers instead. The distraction is welcome and she just misses hearing his voice.

"Hey," she answers right before it goes to voicemail.

"Hey. I thought maybe you were already sleeping."

She looks over at the clock on her microwave. "It's only a little after 9. I'm never in bed that early. I was actually about to check some work emails."

He chuckles lightly. She's always been all about the work. "Why am I not surprised? I just wanted to call and say I'm sorry I couldn't take you up on dinner after work. Things got crazy at 1PP and well you know how it goes."

Walking into the living room, her right leg folds under her left and she sits on the couch. She grabs her iPad to go through emails while they talk. "Of course I do. Speaking of, I'm sorry about lunch."

"Seems like we are always missing each other," he muses and she can hear the disappointment in his voice.

"Well it's the job. We should be used to it by now but how about this? How about dinner Friday night? My treat. I won't cancel. I promise."

"Wow," Ed sounds surprised. "You promising not to cancel seems a little too good to be true but I'll take you up on that Lieutenant under one condition."

"What's that?"

"That its _my_ treat."

* * *

Pippa sighed restlessly picking at the fabric on her navy blue skirt. She hadn't had time to change out of her work attire since Elliot picked her up from the bar for their date. It seemed like a good idea at the time but after sitting through a nearly two hour movie, and an hour long uncomfortable dinner, she's regretting that she didn't have on a more comfortable outfit. She shifts around in the leather seat of Elliot's trying to distract herself from saying something that is certainly going to ruin the night.

Whether it was a result of being an attorney and having to be confrontational all day or it was just her natural personality, it didn't matter. Pippa never really held back when there was something on her mind. Her dad often teased her growing up that her red hair matched her fiery personality. Some guys found it incredibly intimidating and others found it a turn on. She wasn't sure which category Elliot Stabler fell in but at this point she didn't care.

"You should call her," she blurted out. Elliot kept his gaze fixed on the road pulling up behind a red Ford SUV and trying to remain cool and composed.

"Who?"

Pippa scoffs and pivots her body to face him, the seatbelt limiting her movements. Her eyes bore into the side of his face willing him to tear his eyes away from the road for a second and look at her. "Olivia. You should call Olivia."

He is affronted and looks off to the left in the opposite direction. "Call her for what? Why are you still hung up on that?"

"Are you serious?" Her voice is raised and she struggles to reel it back in. "I know you don't want to talk about this and you've made that painfully clear all night but you need to talk to her."

He pulls off into traffic getting closer to Pippa's apartment building and trying to buy time with how to answer. The movies were a decent cover because they didn't need to talk but dinner was much harder to pretend through. He could feel the attorney sizing him up the entire time and he wasn't doing a great job hiding his conflicted emotions at seeing Olivia again. They skipped the appetizers and made small talk over the entrees about a trip she was taking to the Mountains that was coming up soon.

He needed time to process everything and decide what if anything he would do. The simple solution would be to call her but Olivia seemed in no place to have any type of conversation with him. There was a time he could read her emotions and know what she was thinking without a single word. Those days were clearly gone. Her eyes didn't give much away anymore except the fact that she was indignant with him.

"Look I'm sorry if I've been a little off tonight," he apologizes. Elliot looks over to Pippa and sees her annoyance begin to fade marginally. "It was just a bit of a shock that's all. I didn't realize the two of you worked together."

She nods and settles back into her seat. "How long has it been again since you've seen her?"

 _Too long._ "Five years."

Pulling on to her street, she points to her building and he finds a parking spot a block away.

"A lot's happened over the last five years," she starts.

He nods his head agreeing. "Yes it has."

"I mean to her."

Elliot's hand stills on the steering wheel and he can feel his chest start to tighten. He had no idea how long Pippa and Olivia knew each other but it made sense she would know about William Lewis. Everyone had. Except him before it was too late.

"Yes I know." His hand grips the key turning off the ignition and he gets out of the car. Pippa watches him make his way around to her door and open it for her to get out.

Her nude pumps hit the pavement and they walk silently the short distance to her stoop. "So are you going to call her?"

Elliot chuckles bitterly. "Do you always ask so many questions?"

"I told you I can't help it," she shrugs and the wind blows her long red hair briefly across her shoulders. "It's what lawyers do."

He smiles taking the lame excuse but his pace picks up when they reach her steps hoping to end this night sooner rather than later.

Time. He needs time to think.

"Yes you are an attorney. But we aren't in the Courtroom right now counselor."

"No we aren't. We were out on a date and you spent most of it completely checked out because you were thinking about Olivia the whole time."

 _Well there it is._

His immediate reaction was to deny it but once he saw the look on her face he knew better and closed his mouth to regroup.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be distracted. Look, how about a do over?"

She smirks a little and he can't help smiling back at her.

"A do over?

"Yeah yeah I'll take you out again. Dinner and anything else you want to do this weekend. Pick a day."

The tension is lifted a little bit but Pippa has other ideas. "I'll go out with you but you have to do something for me first."

His small dimple on his right cheek shows when he smiles at her again. "I'm almost afraid to ask."

"You have to talk to Olivia."

His smile fades fast. "Pippa.."

"Elliot," she starts and moves close to him to put her hand on his arm. "I like you. I think you're a good guy and I like spending time with you."

He steps a little closer, his hand rubbing up and down the length of her shoulder and arm. "I feel like there's a but there."

She folds her arms, her navy blazer tightening around her. "Look maybe I'm crazy or just being overly paranoid but I think there's some things you need to talk to Olivia about and I think she needs to talk to you too."

"I-" she places her fingers over his lips to silence him. A simple but intimate gesture that catches him off guard.

"It's not my business. I know we have only been on a few dates and the truth is you don't owe me anything. But I just think that you need to talk to her. It would be good for both of you."

His eyes are cast down at the small cracks on the asphalt and his hands play with a small piece of lint in his pocket. He appreciates her candor and the fact that she isn't freaking out on him about what can only be perceived as unresolved feelings for another woman.

"I'll talk to her," he agrees lifting his head to meet her gaze again. "I promise."

"Good. Let me know when you do and we will schedule that next date."

Pippa fishes her keys from her handbag and begins to turn towards the steps to her building.

"Hey," he calls out and walks towards her. She looks confused for a second but that doubt goes away when Elliot steps toward her. His arms slowly wrap around her lower back and he presses his lips to her cheek. "Thank you."

"For what?" She asks pulling back from the hug but still holding him close. Briefly her gaze falls to his lips but she knew they weren't wasn't ready.

"For understanding."

* * *

Olivia wraps the plush white bath towel around her body after enjoying a long hot bath. Relaxed and sated, she stepped carefully into her bedroom to find something to sleep in. Fishing out a plain white camisole and gray pajama pants, she lays them across the bed and drops her towel when she hears her cell buzzing.

"Not tonight," she groans and grabs her iPhone off the nightstand praying it's not a work call.

"Benson." There some rustling in the background and she pulls the phone back to look at the number on the caller ID. It's not one she recognizes.

"Hello?"

His unmistakable voice comes through shortly after. "Hey Li-Olivia it's me. It's Elliot."


	5. Chapter 5

"Hello?"

The unmistakable voice comes through shortly after. "Hey Li-Olivia it's me. It's Elliot."

Olivia doesn't move. The phone stays perched against her ear, gripping it so hard her knuckles begin to turn white. Her breathing is shallow and it's like the scene in the restaurant all over again. Taken completely off guard and not knowing what to say or do.

"Olivia are you still there?" His voice is shaky, the nerves taking over. "Please. Please talk to me."

It's the second time he's begged her today. To talk. To listen. Not to leave. Instinctively she wants to rebel against it all because she doesn't owe him shit. He owes her.

Five years. Five years and she's been through hell. And he wasn't there.

Looking down at her bare feet, she finally finds the strength to answer. "Yes, I'm here." It's then she realizes she's still naked. Her other hand covers her breasts as if he can see through the phone and she starts to grab the clothes laid across the bed to put them on. "What's up Elliot? Why are you calling?"

Her curt tone is not surprising, he anticipated as much. He wanted to wait until tomorrow to call her at a decent hour but couldn't wait. The thought of talking to her had been on his mind since earlier, he was just hoping that Pippa wouldn't notice.

"I'm sorry to call so late," he starts, his sweaty palms almost losing the grip on the phone. "I just thought we needed to talk."

Olivia looks at the clock on her iPad that also shows a still sleeping Noah and rolls her eyes. "It's almost 10:30." She's struggling to keep the anger or any type of emotion out of her voice. He can't know she still cares. Fully dressed and sitting on the edge of the bed, she lets out a deep sigh.

"I know I was trying to wait until I figured your son would be sleep. I didn't want to wake him."

"Oh really, I thought it was your date that may have run a little late." Her eyes close in frustration at herself.

 _Good job Olivia. Way to show him you don't care._

"No, I've been at home for awhile now. Just waiting on a good time to call that's all."

Both are quiet, not knowing what to say next.

"I uhh-your boyfriend or whatever doesn't care that I called so late does he? I mean I didn't interrupt you-." The words get stuck in his throat and he stutters trying to get it all out. He didn't know if she was single or not but she had a son so there had to be a man present somewhere in her life. And asking Pippa probably wouldn't go over well.

 _And there it is._

She knew it wouldn't be long. Typical Elliot. Finding some roundabout way to pry into her personal life without just asking. She was annoyed already.

"No it's not a problem other than the fact that I'm not sure what you want to talk about." Being unclear about her relationship status was her goal and based on his scoff on the other end of the phone, her goal was achieved.

"Okkkkk," he drags the words out. "How are you? How have you been?"

Oh you know just got kidnapped, watched a woman get raped, sexually assaulted by a psychopath, you know the normal.

The urge to be sarcastic is tempting but she fights against it and goes with her classic response. "I'm fine."

Elliot sighs again. He knew this wouldn't be easy but the bite of her words is eating away at every bit of courage it took him to make the call. His barefeet make the floorboards of his apartment creak when he starts to pace back and forth in his bedroom, walking in circles around his queen sized bed. "Look I didn't want to keep you long I was just wondering if we could meet up for lunch tomorrow. If you want."

Olivia rubs the heel of her palm into her forehead trying to think. "I don't know. I just-What is there to talk about at this point?"

"I called you," he blurts out. "After Lewis. I called you Liv I swear to God."

Suddenly sitting on the edge of the bed seems too much for the nervous energy she has coursing through her body. She has to move. Walk. Process.

"When?"

"I called Cragen and then I called you and got no answer. I called you a few times." The words are rushing out of him hoping to pull her in. To have her engage. "I left a voicemail once and you didn't call back so I thought you just didn't want to talk."

She's silent but he can hear her hurried breathing and decides to add more while she's listening. "You know I wish i was there. I wish I was there to stop it and I just wanted to see if you were ok. When you didn't answer I finally got in touch with Cragen who told me you would be out for a few months and to give you some time."

Her mind races. Cragen hadn't mentioned anything to her. She had gotten tons of phone calls during that time to the point she cut the phone off. Anyone who needed to reach her mostly went through Brian while she sat in the bedroom replaying in her mind everything that happened with Lewis over and over again. Or she was at self defense classes or at the gun range. Talking to anyone but her therapist and Brian unless she absolutely needed to was the last thing on her mind. By the time she powered her phone back up a month later, she erased all calls, voice messages and texts assuming it was the press trying to set up interviews.

Cragen warned her that 1PP would want the whole heroes press tour but she wasn't interested. It felt like parading around the fact that she was a victim. And then there was everything that happened after. It never occurred to her that one of the numbers she didn't recognize was his.

"Olivia you gotta know I would've done anything."

"I know," she interrupts him. "I know you would've." There was never any doubt in her mind that all the things she said to Lewis when he was handcuffed to that bed was true. Elliot would have beat him just as she did, only difference is...he would've killed him. If there was one reason she was grateful that he was not there to save her, that was the one.

"I should've kept reaching out. I should've done more. Come by. I just didn't want to be selfish...for once. You needed time so I just.."

"Stayed away," she finished for him.

"Yeah."

Olivia wasn't sure if he knew about the latest situation when she was held hostage or about Lewis taking her again. She certainly wasn't going to rehash all of that. Not tonight. He had tried to reach out before and that was better that what she had assumed. The words Bernie Stabler had once told Kathleen echoed in her mind a lot of those sleepless nights when she had secretly hoped and prayed that it was him next to her, comforting her instead of Brian.

 _He doesn't hate you. If he did he would just cut you right out of his life._

She had believed it then. Even though there was no reason to other than the fact she hadn't heard from him.

"I don't know," she finally answers. "About lunch I mean I don't know. Things are crazy at work and…we're in the middle of this case."

It's an excuse but a valid one. It was rough for her to keep up dates as it was but this one she was nervous about for a completely different reason.

"Then tell me what works no matter what time or place I will be there," he pleaded. Elliot was desperate. Now that she was back in his life he would do anything to try to keep her there.

"Can't you just say what you need to say on the phone?"

The breath he had been holding blew out in a rush. Feeling defeated, he sat on the edge of the bed. His left hand curled over the edge of the firm mattress while he held tight to the phone with his right. There was so much to say but he wanted to see her when he said it. This disadvantage of not being able to see her face or look into her eyes made everything more difficult. They were always physically close without touching and that undeniable chemistry always said more than his mouth ever could.

Now he would have to talk.

"I guess I can."

"Ok, then say it." Confidence radiated her tone but inside she was anything but. She tiptoed into the kitchen and began to pour another glass of Merlot.

"I umm...after the shooting. I took some time away and just had to get myself together."

"I noticed," she cut him off.

Elliot took a deep breath and kept going, not allowing her attitude to deter his thoughts. "I got your calls and your voicemails but I just needed to sort some stuff out. I had talked with IAB and it just wasn't going well as you can imagine."

Her hands momentarily shake against the glass at the mention of IAB. She knows that Ed dealt firsthand with Elliot's case but they have never talked about it.

"Anyway, I resigned, got divorced and took a job with the US Marshals. You remember Christine Danielson from the US Attorney's office?"

The information was coming at her so fast she didn't have enough time to process. "Yeah," she rasped. "I remember."

"Well she said the door was always open so I walked through it. It was really the only option I had at the time or just go work Security at a mall or something and that was out of the question."

She was quiet. Too quiet. It made him nervous and he began to pace again spouting out information to get her to feel comfortable enough to talk too.

"I work with Witness Protection so I'm gone a lot on assignment, some here in the States some in other countries. I've been back for about a month and I plan on staying close for a little while with the summer coming up so I can spend as much time as I can with Eli."

Her eyes screw shut at the mention of the little boy. The little boy she watched being born. There was a time she resented him when Kathy first told Elliot she was pregnant. In her mind, she believed that something was developing between her and Elliot. The tides had shifted although they hadn't talked about it and he was making no real efforts to move back home. When she found out about Kathy being pregnant was a day before she was suspended for six months and she spent a lot of that time mourning a future that she wasn't even sure was a possibility.

A future with him.

"That sounds great. I'm sure he will enjoy that," she adds clearing her throat. She takes a long sip from her wine glass and walks over to the couch. "How is Eli doing?"

Elliot sighs in relief. Asking questions. This is a good sign.

"He's great. Loves to play soccer and hockey. Just doing a little bit of everything."

The pride in his voice is evident when he talks about his son and it brings a smile to hers even if it's for a brief second.

"And the other kids how are they?"

Olivia made herself comfortable on the couch listening to him talk about Maureen being a nurse, Kathleen working with an organization for children with mental illnesses and the twins' upcoming college graduation. His nervousness had begun to fade as they settled into a conversation similar to the ones they would have when they were on a stakeout or just sitting across from each other at work. The talk of the kids floated into his mother, which was surprising because he was never forthcoming with information about her at first. There was an edge to his voice that led her to believe he was aware of the conversation she had with his mother. Although her hint in the courtroom that day after Kathleen's sentencing may have helped with that.

 _Maybe God remembered how cute you were as a carrot._

Elliot laid back on the bed as he talked about a few of the places he had gone for months at a time which was easier now that he was single and had only one child that was still living at home. He had been to Russia, spent some time in Canada and was lucky enough to be stationed in the Dominican Republic for a few months.

"It's beautiful there," he muses his eyes closed picturing the sandy beaches and blue water. He imagined her there with him so many nights. The two of them near the water listening to the crashing of the waves eventually lulling them both to sleep in each other's arms. It was a dream, one that he never thought would actually come true but it offered him comfort and a way to be close to her even when they were so distant.

"I've always wanted to go," she muses throwing her head back against the pillow of her sofa. Talks of exotic places mixed with the tingling of the wine in her veins take the last bit of tension out of the conversation.

"I remember," he says softly. "I remember the pamphlets on your counter when I came over to talk to you about Clyde's murder and you had the flu." A small detail. But he remembered.

"And you made me tea and told me to lay back down," she adds in a voice as soft as his. For a moment they are transported back to that moment in time. A time when she counted on him for everything and he was more than willing to take care of her even when he had a family of his own. She had never felt more safe. Over the past five years she had gained a lot, but she had also lost just as much...if not more. "I can't believe you bailed me out and put your house up."

Elliot grips the phone tighter, the feeling of possession he's always felt for her taking over. "I just wanted to protect you Liv. I never want anything to happen to you," the lump forms in his throat again. He used her nickname, but didn't correct himself this time. The wall is coming down just a little bit.

"I know," she whispers so he can't hear the tears in her voice. When she reflects on what it is sometimes about her life that she misses, that's one of the things that come to mind. She misses the confidence she had in him to be exactly who he was to her. There wasn't as much worry back then about who would get to her or what would happen. That comfort was priceless.

Elliot sits up on the bed sensing the change in her demeanor. Keeping the conversation on a positive note is his ultimate goal. If she was still anything like before, he knows how quickly she can shut down.

"But it all worked out. We made a great team."

Her lips curl up just a fraction. "Yeah we did. We didn't let anything stop us."

"No we didn't," he agrees. His heart stops, his eyes screw shut. "I miss you Liv."

A quiet sob escapes her throat and she sets the empty wine glass on the table. "I miss you too," she whispers.

Their words hang heavy between them. "I miss us," he adds and she pulls the phone away from her ear. It's too much. Anger. She needs to stay angry because as long as she's angry with him she can't be vulnerable. Not in that way.

"Liv are you still there?" He's open. Defenseless. Powerless. Not a place he's comfortable being, but he's willing to be that. For her.

"I'm here," she swallows the lump in her throat. "I miss us too."

Jesus. Why did he have to be like this? Armed with five years worth of resentment and disappointment, she was ready to fight him. But the fight was slowly leaving her body.

"El, what happened with you and Kathy?"

 _And there it was._

Tit for tat. It was always a part of their relationship. He had unsuccessfully tried to pry into her personal life. She had directly asked about his.

He sighs and heads for the kitchen to fetch his own alcohol. "It was a long time coming. We grew apart."

"That simple hunh?"

"We never should've gotten back together," he confesses popping the cap to a Bud Light. "Once I resigned, everything just bubbled to the service and….." He paused remembering the last of the fights they had. Kathy had screamed that his heart hadn't been in their marriage for a long time and it was time to call it quits. And she wasn't lying. His heart had been gone. "It was just time to let it go and stop fighting for what wasn't there."

It made sense. Hearing him sound so confident and resolute in the demise of his marriage was surprising. The trials and tribulations of Elliot and Kathy Stabler's marriage had become a part of her life even when she wasn't sure what she wanted the outcome to be.

On one hand she wanted to see her partner's marriage stand the test of time so she had something to believe in. She needed to believe that despite all the depravity and sickness they witnessed on a day to day basis that one of them was able to maintain a healthy family unit. On the other hand, she had fallen in love with him. She couldn't pinpoint the day, the time or even the year it happened. But it did.

"I'm sorry," she says mechanically.

"I'm not," he retorts. "Long time coming."

The silence looms again and she doesn't know quite what to say. Noah stirs briefly on her tablet screen catching her attention but he stays asleep.

"So how is everything with you? How does it feel to be in charge?"

She chuckles bitterly looking at the empty wine glass on her table. "It's umm... it's something. Never a dull moment that's for sure."

Elliot chuckles in response, the sound almost mimicking her. He was surprised when Cragen told him she was CO. Not because she wasn't prepared, but she seemed to always hate the politics and bullshit that came with the position.

"That sounds promising. Let me guess 1PP and IAB on your case all the time."

Her amusement starts to fade at the mention of IAB again.

"Well it is what it is," she stands up to walk to the kitchen and put the wine glass in the sink. "They are just doing their jobs."

"Ok yeah things have definitely changed. I never thought you would drink the kool aid."

"What do you mean?" she asks defensively. She turns the lights off in the kitchen and walks back to her bedroom.

"1PP stayed up Cragen's ass. I mean some of it was warranted but it was always some political bs. And don't even get me started on IAB especially Tucker. What an idiot. Did his old ass retire yet? I hope so for your sake."

Olivia froze. Unable to speak while he continued.

"He was the absolute worst. He couldn't have been happier when I turned in my resignation papers. Piece of shit." Elliot was so worked up he didn't realize that she was no longer responding.

There was a point in time when it was almost competition between them of who hated Ed Tucker more. Everytime he walked in a room their blood pressure rose and they immediately leaped to each other's defense. Elliot got more of the brunt of Tucker's antics than she did but because it affected him. It affected her. They were always a package deal that way.

"You should've seen the smug look on his face whe-"

"Elliot stop," she snapped putting her hand up even though he couldn't see the gesture.

"What's wrong? Oh I'm sorry," he rolled his eyes at himself. "It's late I'm sure you don't want to go back and forth about work. I apologize. We can talk about something else."

He mentally scolded himself for straying off topic. He had gotten so comfortable with them talking the way they used to that he had gotten carried away and upset her.

"Actually it's getting late El…."

"Hold on," he stopped her before she ended the conversation. It was going so well he didn't want to hang up. Worry poured through him. What if she didn't pick up the next time he called now that she knew his number? What if this was the last time they talked?

"So you really are ok? With just everything?"

No. Something was wrong but she didn't know what and they weren't in a place to discuss it.

"I'm fine," she echoed again.

"And your son? How is he?"

The mention of Noah brought a smile to her face and she relaxed against her headboard. "He's fine. Sleeping like a baby."

"What's his name?" He asked timidly. He didn't want to overstep but he wanted to know more about her child. More than anyone, he knew how much she wanted to be a mother.

"His name is Noah. He just turned two and he's just everything."

His heart ached just for a moment while she talked. He always thought he would be there when her dream finally came true of being a mother.

"I'm so happy for you Liv. No one deserves to be a mother more than you."

Her eyes shut at the sincerity in his voice. Noah made her happy but she wanted to confide in someone other than her therapist about how sometimes she felt like she was a shit parent because she didn't see him as much as she would like. That maybe he deserved better than her. That person she would've spilled her guts to would've been Elliot but now….

"Thank you. I appreciate that."

"I won't keep you any longer but Liv if we could just make some time to get together and talk anytime. We can go for a drink or something. You pick the time, the place and I'm there."

Her thoughts turned to Pippa and whether or not she would have an issue with them meeting. It was old friends grabbing a drink but Pippa had already expressed concerns about the nature of their relationship. She didn't want to burn a professional bridge or a budding friendship.

"Are you sure your girlfriend wouldn't have a problem with that?"

 _Subtle Olivia. Very subtle._

Elliot took it in stride, marginally amused by the hint of jealousy in her voice.

"Well if I had a girlfriend I'm sure she wouldn't mind me meeting up with my old partner to catch up. But Pippa is not my girlfriend. We've gone on a couple of dates."

She knew how Pippa felt but of course couldn't share that with Elliot. "Ok. We can set something up. Text me and we will see how it goes."

"Ok," he accepted the olive branch. She was open and willing and he could tell from her tone that she was sincere. "But are you sure your boyfriend wouldn't have a problem with it?" He teased and was immediately rewarded with the sound of her laughing. He hadn't heard it often when they were partners but when he did it was music to his ears. Laughing at himself for his poor attempt at once again diving into her personal life, he held the phone in anticipation of her answer."

"Goodbye Elliot," she said lightly, the hilarity still in her voice.

"Not goodbye. Good night," he corrected her.

"Ok, goodnight."

Elliot hung up the phone staring at the display until it faded to black. He was glad that she had acquiesced and told him goodnight instead.

Because as long as he lived he would make sure he never said goodbye to her ever again.


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Note: So sorry for the long delay in updating but work has been CRAZY. Due to my time away I decided to make this one longer and we've done enough character and situation introductions...let's just dive right on into the good stuff shall we?

* * *

 _What are you doing for lunch today?_

Olivia smiles down at the text message, her thumb rubbing back and forth against the glass display. The last twenty four hours seemed like a blur. After their conversation the other night,she and Elliot had been texting back and forth throughout the day while she navigated work and Noah. The messages aren't about anything in particular. Work. The kids. He cracks a joke about something he was watching on TV. The ordinary texts are amusing and seem so familiar, reminding her of their time together. Despite their closeness in the past, there are a lot of things they didn't talk about. If someone were to ask her what his favorite movie or song is, she wouldn't know, but ask her what was his biggest fear or what keeps him up at night and the answer comes to her with ease.

Becoming his father. That someone would hurt his children.

That is the essence of their relationship. Skipping the surface level and diving in much deeper than any two 'normal' people would. Normal people who didn't see the depravity of the world they witnessed everyday and still be expected to function conventionally. This is what separates them from others and why everyone she dates or any attempts at a relationship never quite measure up. Secrets and fears embedded inside of her that no one would ever reach, but him. Never said aloud, never hinted at, but just known. Because he knows her inside and out.

It is that familiarity that kept her glued to her phone the previous day, anticipating the next message, watching for blemishes of the old Elliot that she once loved mixed with the new Elliot that despite the warnings in the back of her head she is anxious to get to know.

She never figured him for much of a texter, but he is trying to be respectful of her space and time and it is appreciated. She presses reply and messages him back.

 _Don't know. You know how things get around here._

The need to meet up with him again under different circumstances, preferably not under the gaze of his date who happened to be her sorta kinda friend, is unwavering.

Pippa.

She needs to talk to Pippa.

His reply comes quickly. _Ok I'll settle for coffee then._

Before she can respond, another message filters in. Before you say no, I know the coffee there hasn't been upgraded in the past five years so you are probably dying for Starbucks. Meet me in half an hour at our usual spot.

She immediately looks at the time. 9:13am. Everything is pretty quiet at the moment while the squad is chasing down leads. Taking a deep breath she quickly replies, _See you in 30._

* * *

Elliot tries to suppress the butterflies in his stomach while he sits in the back of the coffee shop waiting for her. Not surprisingly, he got there early, telling himself that he just wanted to find a quiet spot in the back where there would be the least amount of interruption as possible. He orders her usual and waits, hoping it will be just the right temperature when she arrives so she won't have to wait for it to cool before she can drink it.

His phone begins to vibrate in his pocket and he is startled. Rushing to answer it, he prays it isn't Olivia calling to cancel. It isn't. It's Pippa. His finger hovers over the decline button, but he already avoided her the day before, keeping their conversation brief so he could text back and forth with his ex-partner instead.

He sighs, glances around to make sure Olivia isn't approaching, and answers the call briskly. "Hey Pippa, how's it going?"

"Hey I'm sorry. Did I interrupt you? You sound in a hurry."

"Uhh no...well yeah," he stumbles. "I'm at the coffee shop." It isn't a total lie. He is at the coffee shop, but he just happens to leave out the part that he is meeting someone. Olivia.

"Oh," she responds in surprise. That doesn't sound like something that would make him busy but she presses forward. "Well anyway, I was just curious if you wanted to have dinner tonight. I know it's last minute and I also wasn't sure if you took care of that thing we talked about."

Elliot begins to look around again and checks his watch. She will be walking in any moment now. "Yeah, what thing?" There is a woman walking towards the door that looks like her so he stands in anticipation of her approach but it ends up being a false alarm.

"Olivia." That gets his attention and he sits back down.

"What about her?"

"Did you talk to her?"

Closing his eyes, he wills himself to come up with something that isn't a lie but doesn't want to delve into details either. This is his trademark. Saying just enough without spilling his guts. No wonder he is divorced.

"Yeah, I did. The other day actually. I forgot to tell you yesterday."

"Oh. It went well then?" And there is that inquisitiveness of hers that slightly rubs him the wrong way. Of course she would want to know, but he isn't willing to discuss. Not yet.

"It did. Everything's all good."

There is a slight pause. Pippa recognizes that he is hiding something and he holds himself back from rushing her to speak when he finally does spot Olivia walking towards him. Her hair is straight this time, not wavy like before and he can see it is the length it was when he last saw her before he resigned. There is a hint of a smile on her face but her fingers are moving anxiously at her side. She is nervous, too. It shouldn't matter, but it makes him smile all the same. Maybe, just maybe, if she is as nervous as he is then it's for the same reasons. There is hope for them yet.

"So dinner tonight then?" Pippa asks, breaking him from his thoughts.

"Oh yeah sure that's fine. Look I have to go. I will talk to you later and we can work out the details ok?"

She had barely muttered "Ok," before he hangs up the phone and stands up to meet Olivia who has just spotted him.

His palms are sweaty and he wipes them on his jeans, putting the phone back into his pocket.

It seems like it takes forever for her to reach him. Dressed in a caramel colored knee length jacket, black shirt, and black slacks, she is still as beautiful as he remembers. There have only been a handful of times times that he has seen his partner outside of her usual work attire and that's when they were undercover or when he would go to her apartment to watch movies during his separation. Whether she is dressed up to play his wife in a sex club or lounging on her couch in a t-shirt and jogging pants, Olivia was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. In that moment, he is amazed that he was able to behave himself for all those years they were partners.

"Hey." His skin prickles at the low tone in her voice that she saved for certain times when they were either conspiring or she was trying to comfort him. It does nothing to stop his nervousness. Standing awkwardly for a second longer than he should have, he reaches out to give her a hug. Clearly taken aback by the gesture, she returns the hug but keeps her lower body away from his. It's friendly, but she holds on a beat longer. Just long enough for him to smell her shampoo when his nose lands near her hair and to warm the slight chill of her skin.

"I ordered your usual," he announces, pulling back and motioning for her to have a seat.

"Thanks." Placing her coat on the back of her chair she turns to face him, looking down at the coffee cup. "I can't stay too long but thanks for inviting me."

It is all too formal and although it bothers him, he had to expect it. This is the first time they have been alone together in five years. Seamless text conversations or not, this is vastly different. The air is charged and thick with words that have been unsaid. All of the courage and ease with which they spoke on the phone has whittled away.

"Thanks for coming. I know it was short notice." Elliot clears his throat, his voice more hoarse than he realized. Four of his fingers tap the side of his cup and he watches closely as she takes a tentative sip from hers.

"It's no problem."

After avoiding eye contact for a few long moments, their eyes finally met. He was worried after seeing her in the restaurant that he wouldn't be able to read her any longer, but it is all there. Anxiety. Fear. Comfort. Familiarity. His lip curls upward slightly, giving her a shy smile and allowing her to see that he is feeling the exact same. He sees the moment the realization hits her and thinks he hears her breathe a small sigh of relief.

"So…why couldn't Dani cut it?" she asks with a smirk on her face. It takes him a moment to catch the joke and they both begin to laugh.

History.

She remembers.

The awkwardness reminiscent of when they were sitting in the coffee shop after her return from Oregon and they were working the Masoner case. This time, it isn't her that is returning, it is him. It isn't just a few months and a new partner in the way, it's five years and trauma she has endured. The stakes are higher.

"Is this the part where I ask you how you liked working alone?" The words are out of his mouth before he realizes his mistake. Her face falls and works quickly to fix it. "I'm sorry."

Her hand reaches across the table to touch his shoulder. "It's fine."

"No it's not. I didn't mean for this-I mean."

"It was easier on the phone right?" Her hand slides down his arm, touching his elbow and he hopes she will leave it there. It is a simple touch. Not much, but it is something. A small gesture, perhaps. He will take anything he can get at this point.

"Yeah, it was."

"Do you want me to go outside and call you?" she jokes and he laughs again.

"No. Please stay Liv. I'm glad we got to do this. I know you don't have much time but I just wanted to see you. Make sure you are doing okay and apologize. In person."

Olivia nods her head but doesn't speak. This is his time to say what he needs to say and she won't distract him or do anything to take away from this moment. It's a moment she wasn't sure she would ever get so she keeps her answer simple. "I'm fine."

His hand scrubs down his face in frustration. Her patented answer just isn't going to be enough, but he will have to settle for it until he did some explaining of his own.

"When the shooting happened," he begins and she winces at the memory. "I was just so tired. I didn't want to go through everything all over again. I had just been through the ringer with IAB on the whole Hunter Mazelin case and then a few months before with Hank Roberts."

Her heart is beginning to race at the mention of IAB again. Denial. She has been good with that. Her first instinct is to go that route but in a split second she decides to be real with herself. There is a very good chance that her current, "almost boyfriend", was the major roadblock in why she lost her partner. "They made it clear that it was not going to be easy for me to return. There were some….factors that helped with the decision. Or should I say factor."

Olivia expels the breath she had been holding. "And what's that?"

"I know how important SVU is to you. I had started to lose my passion for it but I knew it was always your family and I just couldn't-"

The confusion is evident all over her face. Is he really blaming her for leaving?

"What does me loving SVU have anything to do with why you left? And even so, why didn't you call? I called you a thousand times. I left messages," her voice rising more than she intended. "I went by your house."

"We left," he interrupts. "I took the family away for a few weeks while I made my decision and uhh I guess I came to some other decisions too."

"Your divorce," she finishes for him.

"Yeah. We separated after that trip. I turned in my papers and moved out after that. Everything was moving so fast. I just needed to get my life in order."

Order. That she understood. It is what she strove for in the aftermath of his absence but never felt like she truly had a handle on. He was always such a force in her life and despite what she thought, she never truly recovered from his absence.

"I guess-I guess I can understand that. I'll be honest El I just-I dont know how to-." Do this. Forgive you. Move past it.

She bows her head in frustration at not being able to form the right words. Her cell phone begins to vibrate and they both sigh simultaneously. Pippa. Not knowing whether to disclose who it is or not, she just decides to accept the call.

"Hey Pippa what's going on?" she answers and looks directly at Elliot for any kind of response. He holds his ground not letting any anxiety or discomfort show. "Yeah ok. I'll be right there."

Elliot's shoulders slump and he knows their brief encounter is over.

Olivia shoots him a sympathetic look. "Sorry I-"

"Gotta go. I understand." He's disappointed. There won't be many other opportunities to see her again and he doesn't know if she will even be up for it.

"Can we actually do dinner or lunch one day?" He's desperate to see her again. There's so much left that he needs to say.

"We will see El. Either way in the meantime," she holds up her phone. "There's always text messages." As much as she hates to admit it to him, she enjoys the little conversations with him throughout the day.

Ready to leave, Olivia stands and there is another awkward pause before she finally reaches out to hug him again. It's a little friendlier than the first and it takes every ounce of restraint Elliot has not to hold her against him longer. His hand rests at the small of her back as he guides her out of the coffee shop on to the sidewalk where they will part ways. The gesture doesn't go unnoticed and for a second Olivia can feel the imprint of his big hand burning against her flesh as if her blouse and coat are nonexistent. His touch is recognizable but strange. An alarming paradox that has been the crux of their relationship for so long.

Out on the sidewalk, she stays close to him to make sure his hand doesn't dislodge from her back. Their eyes meet for a split second and she can see them marred with hesitation and concern.

"I really need to go," she repeats but her feet don't move. His hand squeezes the small of her back, his eyes blazing and she can feel his breath brushing her face. It's too intense. The moment has to be broken. "Your girlfriend is waiting for me back at the office." Elliot exhales and furrows his brow in annoyance.

"She's not my girlfriend," he grates, irritation evident on his face.

She's even frustrated with herself. It was a poor attempt at humor to lighten a moment that wasn't meant to be light. Or easy. Or simple. It is five years worth of unresolved feelings and emotions that one cup of coffee will not solve. Instinctively, her hand rests on his upper arm, her face moving a fraction of an inch closer to him. She can feel that he needs to be reassured. To know that it is ok. That she is ok. "I'm really fine El. With everything."

The muscle in his arm slacks and some of the tension under her fingertips leaves his body. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. After everything that happened with Lewis and even a couple of months ago, I went back to my therapist and started-"

"Wait," he holds his hand up to stop her, his other hand falling from her back. "What do you mean a couple of months ago? I thought Lewis was dead."

Olivia pauses, trying to hold her ground and not let him see the emotions play out on her face. He doesn't know.

Her other close encounter a couple of months ago made the news for one night and wasn't a media circus like her Lewis ordeal, but she assumed he knew.

"Nothing. It's nothing."

"Bullshit," he pulls her closer. His hands are on the small of her back again but this time his grip is more forceful. Frightened. Worried.

"Tell me please."

Exhaling and closing her eyes, she wills herself to find the words. More and more people pass by on the sidewalk and he ushers her off to the side until they are both leaning against the window of the building. It buys her a few seconds to come up with something that will put his mind at ease but when it comes to her safety, he will never be at ease. If there is one thing about him she knows hasn't changed, this is it. The sharp gaze in his eyes that is piercing through her at this very moment is solid proof of that.

Right when her mouth opens to answer him, her phone rings again. "Benson...I'll be right there."

"Liv-"

"I really have to go," she pulls away from his hold, stuffing her phone back into her pocket. "I will call you. We will finish talking. Ok?"

Elliot opens and closes his fists at his side trying to remain calm. "Yeah I'll call you later." He gives her hand a quick squeeze and watches her walk away.

* * *

"Hey what took you so long?" Pippa asks, looking at her watch as Olivia comes barreling into the office.

"Sorry I got held up."

"With your mystery guy that you're seeing?" Pippa prods playfully.

Olivia freezes briefly before quickly shedding her coat and lifting the lid to her laptop. "What?"

"Oh come on. I heard the tone of your voice when you answered. You sounded different. Call it intuition."

Olivia clears her throat and laughs nervously. "So you wanted to talk about the case. You have something for me?"

It works. "Oh yeah right so I was able to get to Judge Remington. He agreed to sign off on the warrant."

They discuss the case and Dodds and Fin are sent out to execute the search warrant. They also talk about the trial of another case that is quickly approaching. By the time they wrap up, a couple of hours have passed.

"Ok so I guess we are good to go," Olivia clicks the end of her pen, sets it on the desk, and removes her glasses.

Pippa stands but hesitates to grab her jacket. There is something else she wants to discuss but isn't sure how to approach the subject.

Olivia senses her hesitation and speaks up first. "Everything ok?"

"Yeah," she fidgets with the edges of her red blazer. "I was just wondering...how did your talk with Elliot go?"

Once again, Olivia is taken off guard. Had he told her just that quickly they had met for coffee? He would've had to call pretty much the minute she left him. That bothers her.

"Umm yeah. It went fine."

She opens her laptop again trying to appear busy so Pippa will let it go. She isn't so lucky.

"Well I'm glad," she adds, putting on her coat and grabbing her briefcase. "I just want you to know I don't want things to be weird or anything especially with the things I told you I suspected about him and his old partner. Well you." Olivia can tell she is being genuine and she regrets for a brief second being standoffish but she isn't interested in discussing anything regarding Elliot until she knows for sure where they stand.

"Thanks. I appreciate that," she offers with a tight smile. "For what it's worth, he and I talked and it shouldn't be weird for anyone." It isn't a complete lie. There was a conversation. But there needs to be more and until then, there is going to be a level of awkwardness that she will have to navigate, but this isn't her first rodeo. If anyone is a master at weeding through the world of Elliot Stabler and the women in his life, it is her.

Pippa smiles back cautiously. "Thanks I appreciate that. It was important to me that you guys clear the air. I even told him that we would not go out again until you guys talked so...here we are."

Olivia's whole body stills. Her throat is instantly dry. Her eyes buck for a brief moment before she recovers. That's why he called her. That's why he was so insistent on making everything right so he could continue to date Pippa. The anger begins to rise inside of her and the grip on her pen tightens to the point where she is making indentations in her hand.

"Olivia? You ok?"

Say something. Speak. She has to get Pippa out of the office so she can deal with her warring emotions without an audience

"Yeah I'm fine. It just dawned on me. I need to check on Noah," she lies. It is the only excuse she can think of on a whim. The first thought that pops into her head always. Her son.

"Umm ok," Pippa watches her confused. She looks like she wants to say something else, but Olivia's body language signals that it isn't the right time. "Well glad everything is squared away and call me when they are done with the search warrant ok?"

With that, she is gone and all Olivia can hear is the echo of Pippa's black pumps repeatedly colliding with the hard floors.

Sonofabitch. Again. It had all happened again. She believed she was an important part of his life. He has started to invade her thoughts again, just like he did when they worked together. She had dropped work to meet him that morning, stayed up late the night before thinking about him. Once again pushed aside someone who cares about her, all to focus her attention on him.

His focus, however, was somewhere else. On Pippa. And she would not allow herself to be made a fool of again.

Within seconds, her phone is in her hand, scrolling through the missed call log to the name she is seeking.

Ed.

He answers on the second ring and she immediately begins to talk. "Hey, sorry to bother you at work. I know we have plans for dinner tomorrow night but I was wondering if you wanted to grab a drink after work."

* * *

Elliot sits in his Jeep, staring at the time on the display. 6:53pm. Meaning it has been three hours since he sat in front of his laptop and googled his former partner. Two hours since he threw his laptop in a rage after reading not only had she been taken hostage in a standoff a few short months ago, but learning details about the Lewis case he didn't know previously. Those details had him pacing back and forth in his apartment, calling his former captain and cursing to himself when he only got his voicemail.

Ultimately, he grabbed his car keys.

Air.

He needed air.

He needed to speak to Olivia.

His apartment was stifling and he just needed to talk to her. He called her three times and each time he could tell she sent the call to voicemail. Frantically, he texted her asking her to call him back but there was no response.

After driving around the city, he ends up at the last place he knows he should be. The precinct. He has been staked out for over an hour waiting for her to emerge so he could talk to her. For a second, he thought about going in, but he didn't want to completely blow his chances of talking to her knowing she would blow a gasket if he showed up at her job.

He fiddles with the radio, rubs his palms against his thighs trying to ease his angst. They need to talk. Olivia says she is ok and he doesn't have a reason not to believe her other than the fact that he doesn't understand how she could be. After everything she has endured, how could she just be ok? It was like Sealview all over again. She never admitted what happened to her, but her behavior in the months following led him to believe there was more that she was keeping secret. Not this time. No more secrets.

Elliot's attention stays firmly on the front door of the building. As far as he was concerned, with her schedule he could be out there all night but that doesn't matter. He will wait as long as it takes.

He glances at the clock again. 7:04pm. Laying back on the headrest, he is just starting to relax when he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. He jumps, hoping it is Olivia and he will tell her he is waiting outside to talk to her. He glances at the display and sees the name. Pippa.

"Shit," he curses to himself, realizing he forgot about their dinner plans.

"Hey," he answers, still watching the front of the building. "I'm sorry I didn't call you back."

"It's no problem. How much longer are you going to be? I'm waiting out front for you."

Elliot screws his eyes shut for a fraction of a second, his head falling back against the headrest while he works up a viable excuse. "I'm going to have to cancel tonight. I'm so sorry. An emergency came up and I have to take care of it."

"Oh," Pippa responds, the disappointment evident in her tone. "Well I wish you could've told me sooner but I get it."

He feels bad for lying, but telling her the truth about needing to talk to Olivia will cause some friction between the two of them and the last thing he wants to do is cause possible problems between them at work.

"We will reschedule for ne-". Elliot stops mid sentence as he watches the scene play out before him in slow motion. Olivia walks out of the building quickly towards her sedan and before he can put his hand on the car door to get out, she is walking over to a car parked next to hers.

"Elliot you there?" Pippa interrupts.

"Yeah I'm here hold on a second." He squints his eyes, trying to get a better view, and sees her look around to see if anyone is watching and bends down into the driver's side window of the car to place a quick kiss on the person's lips. Her body is blocking his view and he can't make out any facial features, but he realizes this must be the man she is seeing.

He exhales, trying to get a grip on the anger and jealousy that he feels bubbling up inside of him. It isn't about that now. She deserves to be happy and if she has someone in her life doing that, then he would be happy for her.

"Pippa I'll call you back," he says quickly and hangs up the phone, still staring across the street. It is another moment before Olivia steps away from the car and the driver gets out to walk to her car. They are roughly the same height and a few cars pass by, obstructing his view. He thinks he recognizes his profile but isn't entirely sure. The man opens the door for her and walks around the back of her sedan. That's when he sees a clear shot of his face. Olivia's boyfriend.

Ed Tucker.


	7. Chapter 7

Ed Tucker.

Ed Fucking Tucker.

Of all people to see Olivia kiss he never thought it would be Ed Tucker. The person in his long category that he despised with everything in him. The grip he had on the steering wheel tightened, his knuckles turning white almost cutting off blood flow to his hand.

There has to be a misunderstanding.

This couldn't be happening.

The only time he has ever seen Olivia and Tucker in a car together is when he drove her to Central Booking after she was accused of murder.

Elliot turns his head in the opposite direction while they drive off to make sure they don't spot him. Following them wasn't a good idea but he couldn't help himself. Turning his key in the ignition, the roar of his engine comes to life and he follows the car down to the end of the block. He watches their silhouettes for any body language that gives him an indication of what the true nature of the relationship is. It wasn't the most rational. He saw the kiss she gave him although he couldn't see if there was any passion or anything behind it.

Running on autopilot, he takes every turn the car did but makes a point to stay out of sight. The adrenaline was pumping through his veins and it's almost as if he is having an out of body experience. His jeep turns when they turn and about the same time they pull up to a small parking lot attached to a small bar, Elliot no longer cares if they see him.

Olivia emerges from the car first, her hair and coat blowing softly in the wind. A stern but neutral expression hiding beneath the subtle rose colored lip gloss and natural looking makeup she still wears.

As she rounds the car, Tucker gets out. There is a little dialogue and they walk towards the door together. Elliot holds his breath looking for body language, signs. As a detective this is what he is trained to do when sweating a perp in interrogation, but it's helped with his children and in relationships. They take a few more steps towards the bar entrance when he sees Olivia slide her arm inside Ed's and they smile at each other.

He balls his fists, teeth grinding together almost audibly. "You've got to be fuckin kidding me."

With his chest heaving and eyes screwed shut, he fights every urge not to get out of the car and follow them inside. From the window he can tell there are not a lot of people inside. There is no way he can go in and be unnoticed.

"Fuck!" Elliot hits the steering wheel not feeling any sting despite the red hue covering his hand. Resting back against the seat trying to calm down, he screws his eyes shut praying for the ability to be reasonable. If he has any chance of having a conversation with her about anything going into that bar and punching the shit out of her 'boyfriend' will ruin it. Being back in her good graces and earning her forgiveness was his main goal but he didn't know he could be in her life if Ed Tucker was too.

* * *

"At this point I think I will be able to take off a few weeks in the summer but not sure," Ed remarks taking a long pull from his beer. He stares at Olivia who fidgets with her phone and is more agitated than usual. Normally she can multitask on her phone and listen to him but it doesn't take long for him to realize that tonight she is not succeeding.

"Mhmmm," she mumbles in response.

Shifting in his seat, he gestures to the waitress for another round. Wine for her. Beer for him. Their usual order. "I'm also going to take the young blonde from the 2-4 with me on the trip."

Olivia nods her head scrolling through her text messages. "Mhmm sounds good."

"Sounds good?"

"Hunh? What?" She finally looks up, meeting his annoyed stare.

Ed collects the drinks from the waitress, his fingers pulling at the label on his bottle. "I just said I was going away for the summer with a young blonde and you said it sounded good."

Olivia scoffs in frustration at herself. The text messages from Elliot keep coming in and she tries to ignore them but her phone keeps buzzing every few minutes. "Sorry about that I guess I'm just a little distracted."

He swallows his beer, his Adam's apple visibly bobbing up and down. "Something going on at work?"

"Uhh yeah," she lies. "Isn't it always?"

Sliding her side button down to silence the phone, she glances at one last message from Elliot before she sets the phone off to the side. _Please talk to me. We need to talk tonight. Call me. I will come to you._

"Ok sorry. You have my full attention now." She drains half the glass of wine in one gulp while Ed eyes her suspiciously. "So who is this young blonde that I need to have a conversation with?"

He places his hand in hers across the table. "No one just trying to get your attention that's all."

"Well you have it," she places her other hand over his.

Ed seems to buy her poor attempt at being interested in what he has to say. It's actually the exact opposite. The messages from Elliot have been coming in fast and furious for the past two hours but the stubborn part of her won't let her respond. If she did it would be something immature and emotional and he wasn't worth that. Not anymore.

At the coffee shop she had let her guard down and let him touch her. Let him in. Not held him accountable when she should have. And for what? For him to continue to date her colleague? There needed to be more. She deserved more. An explanation.

Her life had been always been lying in the shadows of Elliot Stabler's inability to make a decision on what the hell he wanted. Some days she thought he felt the same way she did and others she wasn't so sure. Today was just another exercise in what if. Reading signals and body language. Half detective. Half confused teenage girl. She was neither anymore.

She was more. A mother and a Lieutenant. Her priorities had changed even if her feelings had not.

"Do you have your dress picked out for the party next week?"

Shit.

Olivia picks up her drink and finishes off the rest of the burgundy liquid trying to buy some time. "Yeah I think I have a few dresses in mind."

It sounded believable. Truth is she had actually forgotten about the event.

Ed shrugs and rubs his thumb across her knuckles affectionately. "I'm looking forward to it."

"Me too," she forces out with a tight smile.

"I have to admit I was a little surprised you wanted to get out tonight. Are you sure this doesn't mean that you will cancel on me tomorrow?"

Olivia managed a genuine smile. "I mean it. I won't cancel."

"Ok Lieutenant. We will see," he stares at her speculatively and she squeezes his hand in return.

Ed watches her, his mouth in a firm line when she asks for another round. Her fourth. "So where are you taking me tomorrow night?"

"It's a surprise," she smiles flipping her phone over when the display lights up again with another text message from Elliot. "But you will love it."

* * *

It had been a couple of hours when Elliot's head shot up from the headrest noticing Olivia and Tucker leaving. This time they were closer than before. His hand was around her waist while Olivia brushed her wayward brown locks out of her face. A little unsteady on her feet, she was giggling about something he said. That same laugh that he heard earlier in the day and he hoped was reserved just for people close to her. He didn't know how long they had been involved but for her to be laughing like this, Tucker was clearly someone she felt very comfortable with. Whether it was impartial or not he couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right.

The thought created a knot in his throat. The battle between feeling betrayed, wanting the best for her and concern for her safety continued playing back and forth in his mind as they got back in the car and pulled off onto the street. At some point he would think about how it was more than out of line that he was following her but he didn't know her address. Therefore, he didn't have a choice. Not a viable one. For some reason she was choosing to ignore him and he wasn't going to make the same mistake twice by losing contact with her again.

Elliot squints in the darkness trying to once again see their body language in the car. Olivia's head is up against the window as if she was falling asleep. They were driving for about ten minutes when it dawned on him that maybe they weren't going back to her place after all. What if they were going back to his?

Swallowing back the sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach, Elliot continued to follow them at a safe distance and pulled up to a curb across the street from where he saw the brown sedan come to a stop. Tucker turned off the car's lights signifying a longer stay and Elliot clenched his fists in response. He still wasn't sure if it was his place or Olivia's but he had no intention of going anywhere until he found out.

Tucker rounded the car and opened the door for her. His hands slipped around her waist again, this time lower. He was taken aback for a moment recognizing the body language similar to the news article he saw from a few months ago. A bruised Olivia walking with his hand around her waist and another young cop who he assumed was from her squad was at her other side.

Olivia side stepped his hold a little and they both walked up the stairs to her front entrance, the door shutting on them soon after. Releasing a breath he didn't realize he was holding, he dropped his head in disappointment. He would just sit out here and wait. For what he wasn't sure but he knew that he wouldn't sleep tonight regardless. There were two missed calls from Maureen on his phone when he pulled it out of his pocket, killed the engine and leaned back into his seat. It had been a few years but he was prepared to do a long stakeout.

* * *

"Ed, I'm fine," Olivia insists watching the door to her building close.

"Are you sure?" he watches her closely. "You seem a little-"

"Tipsy," she finishes. "It was a long day but I'll be fine. I think Noah is still awake so I'm going to go and put him down."

Olivia walks towards the elevator and Ed is right on her heels. "You don't have to walk me up. I'm really fine."

"Oh," he says, putting his hands in his pocket. He looks around avoiding eye contact and is a little disappointed. He thought he was coming up. Groaning internally, she struggles to not roll her eyes. There have been too many emotional conversations today and she called him tonight to unwind from the other situation that she's trying not to deal with at the moment.

The elevator door opens and she lets it close trying to find the best way possible to say something that once again may hurt his feelings. "I'm pretty sure that Noah is awake and this time of the day is my time alone with him. I really want to wait before I introduce him to anyone. We haven't even disclosed at work at this point. I hope you understand."

Ed's left hand squeezes his forehead and he lets out a sigh. "I know we haven't disclosed I just thought. I guess I just..."

She moves closer to him trying to offer him what little comfort she can. "What?"

There is obvious deliberation going on within him but he shrugs it off. "Nothing."

"Tell me."

"Look I know you are trying really hard all things considering."

Her eyebrow shoots up in confusion. Any trace of being a little under the influence now gone. "Considering what?"

The shroud of uncertainty is around him and it throws her off balance. If nothing else, he's always been sure about himself but lately their encounters are marred by his self consciousness.

"Look you've been through a lot, that thing a few months ago and with…" his eyes drift down again not wanting to mention Lewis' name. "I don't want to feel like I'm pushing you but I guess I'm starting to feel like it's never going to get there."

Looking somewhat embarrassed he tries to move closer to her but she steps back. He's right. She has gone through a lot but considering the red tape with both of their jobs she thought she was doing the right thing by taking it slow. Her eyes flick back and forth while she processes everything he's just said. She's not sure whether to be disappointed in him for not understanding all the factors about why they have to tread carefully or be upset with herself that this is yet another relationship that is failing because she can't find it within herself to open up.

A neighbor walks past and presses the button for the elevator and they both freeze uncomfortably. When the doors open, she grabs her keys out of her pocket and turns around to join her neighbor in the elevator. "Goodnight Ed."

An hour later, Noah was asleep after she walked in just in time to take over bathing duties from Lucy and read him a story. Cuddling up on the couch with a thin tan blanket and a glass of wine, she starts on some paperwork when her phone vibrates next to her. A text message from Ed.

 _Good night._

His evening messages that used to bring a smile to her face now serve as a reminder of their earlier conversation. While taking care of Noah, she was able to put it all out of her mind but now it was back in the forefront. Maybe relationships just weren't meant for her. Even before Lewis, everything with Brian wasn't solid. There was something missing. A part of herself that she hadn't given to him and that didn't seem fulfilled in the relationship. Would it always be like this?

Maybe it would just be her and Noah forever and that was ok. She had her son. That was always her dream. To be a mother. To be a better mother than hers was. The happily ever after with the spouse, kids and a house in suburbia with the white picket fence was never her dream. That was for someone else. People like Elliot.

Her fingers play with the buttons on the phone wondering what if anything she should even bother to reply back. She didn't want to leave it uncomfortable between them. As she got ready to respond another message came through.

Elliot. Again.

 _We need to talk. I'm outside your apartment. Can I come up?_

"What the hell?" she mumbled out loud immediately standing up in disbelief. Still grasping the phone, she wandered over to the window and sure enough there he was. Standing with one hand in his pocket, leaned against his jeep waving when he saw her peering out.

How could he just show up here? What if she had company?

"Oh shit," she cursed walking back over to the couch. What if he had seen Ed leave? How did he even know where she lived? She rolled her eyes. He probably asked Cragen or someone at the station. Pacing back and forth in the living room, she tried to think quick. Telling him no would get her nowhere because she knew how Elliot was. He wouldn't go anywhere but she tried anyway.

 _It's not a good night._

The send button hadn't been pressed completely before the phone rings in her hands.

Olivia blows out a frustrated breath, jerking the phone to her ear. "I told you it's not a good night," she bit off angrily.

"I know Liv about...everything. What happened with Utley." He pauses and then speaks in a pained whisper. "About everything with Lewis. Please let me up."

Her eyes slam shut at the sound of his voice. She's seen Elliot go through every emotion. Grief. Pain. Frustration. Anger. Disappointment. But never anything like this. The pure agony in his voice causes a sharp pain in her chest she hoped was long buried but has started to be resurrected over the past few days.

"Please."

She clenches her fist, pinching her forehead while she tries to think. "Noah's asleep. You can't stay long."

There isn't time to reel herself and her burgeoning emotions in before she hears the soft knocks. Nervously tugging at ends of her pale blue t-shirt, she walks over to the door and exhales audibly before she opens it.

The second he sees her, the anger that kept him warm moments before instantly vanishes. Elliot wastes no time pulling her into an embrace. He holds her so tight she can barely breathe. "I'm sorry Liv. I'm so sorry," he whispers into her hair. She falters for a moment before she hugs him back. It's different than the one they shared in the coffee shop. This time there is no space between them. The swell of her breasts are crushed against the solid wall of his chest. His fingertips sink into her waist, holding on to her like she's the air he needs to breathe. In a way, she is.

Olivia blinks back tears and buries her forehead into the crux of his neck. "I'm ok El. I'm ok."

"I should've been there. If I was this wouldn't have happened. I'm so sorry."

She backs up from him breaking their hold. His statement bothers her and the anger from earlier slowly seeps back in. It's late and emotions are all over the place. This conversation should probably be shelved but timing has never been their strong point.

Elliot could sense the shift and walks all the way into the apartment shutting the door behind him. Olivia runs one hand through her hair with the other on her hip while he takes the opportunity to quickly scan her apartment.

Toys. Children's books. The sight makes him smile inwardly. His eyes roam to the coffee table and he spies the bottle of wine, an almost empty glass and her iPad she has sitting up with the image of Noah on the screen.

"Look I'm sorry that you found out this way." Both of her hands are on her hips now and she stares at him him wearily. They need to make this conversation as brief as possible for her sake. "Then again I'm not sure how else you would've found out considering we weren't speaking before recently."

"I know. I tried to not look at what happened with Lewis because I didn't trust myself to stay away if I knew." Her gaze penetrates him hard. The wall is back up.

"Well it's a shame you didn't read it all because if you were around nothing else would've happened to me right?"

Elliot moves closer to her and is surprised that she doesn't step back. "That's not what I meant. I just meant that I wish I would've been here to protect you. That's all."

"Just so you know," she continues, completely ignoring what he said. "My squad has my back. Some things you just can't help. Things happen."

"I understand that. "

"So don't think you not being here is the reason all of that happened because it didn't matter," she says indignantly and she almost believes it. "That didn't matter."

But it did.

They both know it. The vulnerable slump in her shoulders coupled with his slacked posture confirm it to each other without a word spoken between them.

He doesn't want to argue with her but it almost seems inevitable. "Ok."

They stand in uncomfortable silence for a moment and in the back of her mind she still wonders what all he's seen and what he knows. "Do you want something to drink?" She asks motioning towards the wine bottle he caught a glimpse of earlier.

"No I'm ok."

Olivia sits back on the couch, leaving him standing in front of her searching for a way to talk about something. Anything. _That_ thing.

She's nervous and her hands shake as she pours another glass. The last drop of red liquid is barely poured before she has the glass to her lips drinking generously. She's about to take another sip when she notices him watching her. "What?"

"Nothing."

"What else is on your mind El? I need to get some work done," she says dismissively looking down at the paperwork on her table.

"So you're seeing someone?" Olivia gets ready to be defensive but he clarifies himself. "I mean a therapist. You're dealing with everything." It comes off like a statement but it's more of a question. Earlier when he saw her she seemed more put together, now that he's seeing her like this he's not so sure. The easy explanation would be that she's thrown off by his presence. It's late at night and there is a lot probably going on at work. The part of him that knows who she was and what she was knows that it's something else. Something not so easily explained.

"Yes," she blurts out annoyed. "I'm seeing a therapist."

He folds his arms, his legs shoulder width apart. "How often?"

"When I can. I'm busy but I'm fine. Now that we got that out of the way-"

"You know when everything happened with me, the divorce, leaving the squad, you," he continues effectively cutting off her attempt to dismiss him. "I made it a point to take care of myself no matter what. You've got to make the time Liv. It's important."

She softens, listens and scoots back into the couch tucking her hair behind her ear. Elliot takes the relaxed posture as an invitation and sits down tentatively next to her. She tenses for a fraction of a second but doesn't move away.

Her mind is still trying to process that he's here. Despite the circumstances, despite the fact that a part of her wants to just punch him in the chest and scream at him for not being there while she went through the most harrowing experiences of her life. Swallowing back a sob, she swallows some of the wine instead.

A distraction. That's what she needs. From his smell. His touch. His voice. That invisible shield of intensity and protection that's always surrounded him and made her feel something she hasn't felt in a long time.

Safe.

"I'm taking care of myself," she states weakly. Too weakly. He rubs his denim covered knees trying to reign in his temper. "I hope so."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He sighs and clasps his hands together in front of him. He doesn't want to bring up the obvious. Her mother and her problem. So he opts for a different approach but he will approach it nonetheless. She's like fire right now. And he's about to walk right in.

"Liv," he starts picking up the wine bottle next to him. "This is almost empty."

"So what?" she jerks the bottle away from him and slams it back on the table harder than she intended. "Don't act like you haven't knocked back a few after work."

"Yeah a few. But you just left a bar and now you're coming home and drinking."

She freezes. Sonofabitch. "You followed me."

"I didn't know where you lived, you weren't answering your phone and I needed to talk to you," he states as if it's the most natural thing in the world.

"So that gives you the right to follow me? Unbelievable." Olivia stands with the bottle in hand and walks to the kitchen to create some distance. He is right behind her. "I told you I'm fine. I'm taking care of myself, I don't need anyone to do it for me. Especially not you."

The wine bottle hits the bottom of the trash can with a thud, echoing in the small space. "So not me then who? Tucker? Is he taking care of you? Does he even notice how much you are throwing them back? Probably not since he took you to a bar."

Olivia whips around so quick that she almost loses her balance but regains it quickly. "So that's what this is about? I should've fucking known."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he backs up looking at her as if she's lost her mind.

"You know exactly what I mean," she shrugs past him back to living room and away from Noah's bedroom door. "You've always had issues with anyone I date. And for what? You want me to be alone while you go and do whatever you want."

"I didn't have issues with everyone you date." He's on her heels and they end up near her coat rack.  
"Oh really? Who did you like? I'll wait," she folds her arms.

It's true and he shakes his head at being caught. There hasn't been a man that has deserved her in his opinion, not even him. But he wanted her.

Wants her. More than he's ever wanted anyone.

"That's what I thought."

"But it's Tucker, Liv. Tucker!" he says more forcefully and she quickly hushes him. "The same motherfucker that tried to put you in jail. He's never been on our side. Ever! He's never been shit. Are you trying to tell me he suddenly changed? He tried to end your career countless times and ended mine."

"Oh God Elliot really? You're going to blame Ed because you decided to resign? Plus he was just doing his job."

"Doing his job? Are you even listening to yourself? Half the time he didn't even wait to hear the evidence before he assumed we were guilty. He accused me of being a goddamn pedophile in that Mazelin case. Didn't you tell me he lied to you about how he found out you were in therapy for what happened with Harris? He tried to blame that shit on me and ruin our partnership. He lied on Cragen. Come on Liv you can't be that hard up." He pauses for a second trying to contain himself. He's not trying to hit her below the belt.

"Take some responsibility," she yells and then quiets back down when they both look in the direction of Noah's room. "You gave up. Yeah you had your reasons so you say but you walked away from the job. From me. That was your decision Elliot. Not Ed's," she continues to push.

Elliot knows he's a bastard even on his best day but he's not going to sit back and take this one. Not when it's not the whole truth. And she deserves that.

"Not from you," he says matter of factly.

"What?"

"Not from you. For you. There's a difference."

"What are you talking about?"

Walking back to the couch, he feels her watching him waiting for him to continue. He sits back down. "IAB gave me my options. It was all bullshit and seemed like a lot of hoops but a part of me considered it. And _Ed_ ," he emphasizes sarcastically, "knew that i was on the fence. I think he was banking on me just turning in my papers so when he saw i was considering staying he made sure i didn't."

Olivia rolls her eyes and stood in front of him. "And how did he do that?"

"He said that if i came back it would be hard for you too. That 1PP wouldn't just be on my ass but yours too because you were my partner. It's just like he told me when he was about to take you down for Clyde's murder. Usually when there's one dirty cop there's another." He looks up at her and sees her defenses start to fade. He had never told her what Tucker told him back then. "He was going to make our lives hell. Questioning our closed cases, every time any incident happened with us which you know with SVU happens all the time they were going to put us through the ringer. I wasn't going to risk that. He made it clear that it was a package deal. It wasn't just me that was going to have to fight to keep my badge but you too. I wasn't going to put you through that when I wasn't sure I was 100% invested in SVU anymore anyway."

Olivia continued to stand in front of him not making a sound, her chest heaving more and more. Breathing was taking more effort. It wasn't true. It couldn't be.

Sensing the opening he kept going. "I know it doesn't excuse everything that happened after. I should've answered the phone. I should've reached out. I know that," he starts to ramble. "But just know I didn't resign to leave you. If I would've stayed at SVU your career would've been stalled. You wouldn't be lieutenant now. You would've been-"

"Damaged goods," she finishes. The words are familiar to her. The same ones Ed uttered to her when she talked to him about Nick's possibly taking the Sergeant's exam.

"It still doesn't excuse everything after," she fights back and is pissed when she feels a tear run down her cheek. Alcohol and Elliot wasn't a good combination. He was intoxicating on his own and coupled with the wine swimming through her veins she was in trouble. Her defenses were lowered and she needed to find a way to get her ground back. "You weren't there El. You can't undo that."

"I know," he whispers and suddenly he's right there. In her space. His breath practically landing on her lip and her eyes close. "I'm sorry. You will never know how sorry. I'm here now if you will let me," and his voice is low and makes her more drunk than any amount of alcohol. She's swaying on her feet, and suddenly feels his fingertips buried in her waist again.

"Pippa," she whispers meekly.

"What?" He pulls back a little bit to meet her eyes.

"You talked to me the other day because of Pippa. She said-"

"Liv do you really think that I wanted to make things right with us because of her? Did she tell you that?"

"Yeah. I mean No she-".

His forehead leans onto hers and he pulls her flush against him again. Goosebumps break out across her body. Everywhere he breathes and touches.

"I miss you and I'm sorry. That's the only reason I talked to you. Not Pippa. Not Tucker. No one else. Just me and you."

The moment sets itself up so perfectly that he almost thinks it's a dream. It can't be real. Him standing here in her living room, feeling her curves against him, the sexual tension between them for years at a fever pitch. All he has to do is move a few centimeters and his lips would be on hers. The way he had hoped for so long. Olivia. She was always everything and more than he ever deserved. If he could just move a little closer.

His lips ghosted over hers. The moment he was ready to press his lips to hers, her phone vibrates on the table. Olivia jumps back slightly looking down at the display. It's a message from Ed and it's then she remembers never responding to his text earlier. Elliot doesn't bother to see who it is and maybe deep down he already knows. Instead he decides to react.

He lifts her chin and places his mouth over hers. She sighs into his lips and is still for a few seconds before he feels her slowly starts to acquiesce. He uses his hand on her chin to coax her mouth open just a fraction, to taste her just a bit more. Elliot can taste the wine on her lips and the trepidation inside of her.

His limbs begin to tingle and he pulls away, leaning his forehead back against hers. He doesn't want to push her. He's practically panting, restraining himself from kissing her again. It has to be her choice. It has to be her move.

His hand caresses up and down her back and he can feel her leaning into his touch.

Olivia lifts her head, a small smile on the edge of her lips. Their eyes meet and she makes the choice. Her lips are back on his again. This time there is no fear or hesitation in her movements. She's just as hungry for him as he is for her. Her tongue slips into his mouth and he accepts it willingly, and then takes back control. His hands fist at the edge of her shirt telling himself not to lift it and come into her contact with her bare skin. If he does, all semblance of control will be lost.

"El," she pulls back and he can see the lust filled daze in her eyes.

"I know."

"We've got to stop," she tells him but then propels herself forward sucking his bottom lip between hers and kissing him again. This is why the line was always so clear with them as partners. Why it was never crossed. Neither would be able to stop what was so inescapable.

This time it's him who pulls back. It would be so easy for them to fall into bed and give into what's been brewing for years but this time he's going to do right by her. It won't be when she's tipsy and vulnerable because of the information he's piled on her tonight. It will be because it's truly what she wants and with a clear head.

"I should go," he whispers between kisses.

"I know," she pulls back again and sinks her teeth into her swollen bottom lip to stop herself from kissing him again.

"We need to talk more. Promise we will talk again and you won't avoid my calls."

"I won't," she responds immediately. "I won't."

They slowly walk to the door, Olivia trailing closely behind him.

He stands at the edge of the doorway and the contrast of the end of her evening with Ed and this moment with Elliot hits her instantly. She doesn't feel romantically inadequate or hesitant. "Good night Liv."

Leaning over, he places a sweet peck on her lips.

"Good night."

His footsteps are pronounced as she watches his black leather jacket disappear down the hall towards the elevator. It doesn't seem real. Any of it. There's so much to think about and consider. She needed to talk to Ed about what Elliot said and take a moment just to breathe. She was exhausted.

Emotionally and physically.

She passes up the kitchen with the half empty wine glass that sits on the counter and instead goes to check on Noah. Within moments of crawling into bed, she is asleep. If tomorrow is just as much of a rollercoaster as today, she will need her rest.

And she has a good feeling it will be.


	8. Chapter 8

_Flustered by the lingering feel of her body against his, Elliot's feet shuffle back and forth at the elevator. When the doors open he stands motionless and watches them close._

 _No._

 _Not this time._

 _Her body had responded to him and he wanted to finish what they started. He turns on his heels and heads back to her apartment, knocking furiously. She answers the door in a short pale pink satin robe. It's been two minutes max since he left and he doesn't know how she changed so quickly but he doesn't care. He seizes her mouth, silencing her faint protests._

" _El," she pants weakly._

 _But it's too late._

 _Her robe is open baring her nude body, and his body pins hers against the wall._

" _I want you so much," he growls as she unfastens his belt. No sooner than his pants hit the ground are her hands holding his warm length in her hands, massaging his already painfully hard erection._

 _It's their first time and it should be more romantic than this but he can't help himself. She wraps her legs around his waist and he lifts her up against the wall sinking into her instantly._

 _They exhale. Her face contorts with a mixture of pleasure and pain before her foot nudges into his bare ass urging him on. He begins to move and the feel of her velvet insides is enough to send him flying over the edge already. She's silk, smooth and everything he imagined she would be. Their earlier attempts not to wake up Noah are shot to hell now._

 _Olivia screams his name in ecstasy and beads of sweat starting to form on his forehead as he continues to push inside her._

" _Please. El," she begs._

"Dad?"

" _El I'm coming."_

"Dad wake up!"

Elliot jerks awake, the heavy blankets on the couch pooling around his waist thankfully hiding his bulging erection from his oldest daughter standing over him.

"Dad are you ok?"

Startled, he looks around trying to make sense of where he is and what happened.

It was a dream.

He is on his couch sleeping. Despite the fact that he can almost smell her on him, it was all a dream.

Maureen watches him closely, the concern etched on her face. "Were you having a nightmare?"

He closes his eyes and sighs in relief. At least he wasn't doing anything that gave away that he was dreaming about fucking his old partner. "No, I'm fine. Just some uhhh….I don't even remember the dream anymore."

Pressing the heel of his hand in his eye to help steady his thoughts, he carefully shifts his body placing his legs on the floor but keeping the blanket over his lap so he won't give himself away. "How long have you been here? What time is it?"

"Well it's almost 11. It's not like you to sleep in and you weren't answering your phone," she explains while walking to the kitchen to start the coffeemaker. "So I let myself in. I was in the neighborhood and thought I would drop by."

"Is that so?"

"Yep."

The cell on his desk lights up and he has a few other missed notifications. A text and missed call from Kathy, a text from Maureen and one from Pippa.

Nothing from Olivia.

"Why don't you have anything in your fridge?" Maureen shuts the fridge door in frustration and pulls two of his three coffee mugs from the cupboard.

"I usually order out. I need to go to the store today though," he explains while scrolling through his phone.

Should he send her a message? Or should he back off?

The dream was so vivid that it's hard for him to shake the lingering images from his brain. Making love to her wasn't real but the feel of her lips against his last night was definitely real and immediately brings a small smile to his face.

"Who's that? Pippa?" Maureen asks handing him the coffee mug and scooting in Indian style next to him. "You guys went out to dinner last night right? How was it?"

Elliot snickers while blowing over his coffee to cool it off. His daughter is almost a carbon copy of Kathy in looks with her long thin blonde hair and lean frame. Her tenacity and stubbornness, however is all him. "I had to cancel. Something came up."

"Which was….."

"I-"

"Please don't lie dad," she cuts him off suddenly more serious. The last thing he wants to do is get into the messiness of his reunion with Olivia, the discovery of her new boyfriend being his arch nemesis on the job that he's sure they've overheard referring to Tucker by something that rhymed with that name over the years, confronting her about drinking and somehow ending the night with a passionate kiss. After managing to make it home with the events of the hour prior swimming laps in his head, he hadn't called Pippa back and was so antsy he finally fell asleep on the couch after watching some infomercials. "What's going on?"

"I ran into Olivia again," he admits. "Last night I cancelled with Pippa because I needed to talk to Olivia about some stuff."

Maureen shifts off the couch making a sound similar to the one Pac Man makes on the video game when he's captured. "Uh oh."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

She shakes her head, placing the mug on the table. "Should I go ahead and have Margaret call Pippa and tell her she doesn't stand a chance?"

"What?"

"Oh come on Dad. This is me you are talking to. Not Eli or the twins but then again they are probably old enough to know better."

Shaking his head, he can't help but wonder how long everyone has been on to them. How long he spent fighting and hiding something that was in plain sight. Getting his relationship back with his children after spending years missing recitals, basketball games and dances has been his biggest priority. He's learned the hard way that telling the truth is the only way to continue to bridging that gap.

"Ok you win," he relaxes into one end of the couch with Maureen smiling in anticipation on the other end. Some things he will keep to himself out of respect for Olivia's privacy but the parts about him and where his head is he will share. Because that's who he is now. Someone who shares his feelings with the people who mean the most to him in the world. Someone who opens up. "What do you want to know?"

* * *

Two cups of coffee. Sugar free red bull. A bagel with cream cheese. Bottle of water.

It's nearly noon and despite everything she's consumed, she still tastes Elliot on her lips. Unconsciously she's counted at least three times that she's touched her lips still a little swollen and tingling from the feel of his mouth against hers.

Thankfully it was a semi quiet morning at the 1-6 by SVU standards so her lack of attention span hasn't been really noticeable. He hadn't reached out to her yet and she found herself debating more than a few times about calling or texting him but decided against it. They needed a little distance. Anytime Elliot was near her she somehow managed to lose her senses and her defenses were lowered. Hell, he was almost like a walking glass of wine. The mental comparison makes her laugh out loud to herself.

"What's so funny? I hope that's not our case you are laughing at," Pippa interrupts.

"Oh no," she stands awkwardly looking around on her desk for something to place the blame on. "I was just laughing at this write up of Fin's case notes."

"I can only imagine." she walks in, her cream colored blazer and skirt contrasting perfectly with the navy blouse underneath. Olivia tries not to be self conscious but there's a certain competitiveness she now feels in the ADA's presence. "It looks like you guys have enough on Martinez so I have arraignment on him later today."

"So what are you thinking? Slam dunk?" Snapping back into leader mode is more effortless than it once was.

"I think with the witness statements that Rollins and Dodds gathered we should be good. His alibi is shaky at best. I wish we had a little more recovered from the search warrant because it's mostly circumstantial..but we have the glove and that's the smoking gun."

"We also found her phone in his apartment," she argues, rounding the desk to stand in front of Pippa.

"Yes and the defense will argue that they were friends so it's not odd that it would be there. Maybe she left it."

Olivia scoffs and folds her hands in front of her in frustration. "Is there anything else we can do or find out that would help? I want this son of a bitch behind bars."

"We all do," she quickly reminds her.

"Hey Lieutenant you have a delivery here," Carisi announces with a small smirk on his face.

Her mouth hangs open as he sets the bouquet on her desk. Immediately she grabs the card while a nosey Pippa looks on.

 _Sorry about last night but I look forward to dinner tonight._

 _Ed_

Tonight?

"Shit," she utters out loud, placing her hands on her hips. Their date. She had completely forgotten. There's no way she can cancel because she promised him so many times that she wouldn't.

Her mind had been so focused that morning on Elliot and the kiss they shared that she didn't have time to fully process the things he said about Ed's part in his resignation. It sounded like him doing his job but there was an edge to it that made her and clearly Elliot believe there was something more behind his tactics. But it couldn't be. That wasn't the Ed she knew. Or was it?

"Ahem," Pippa clears her throat. "You ok?"

"Oh yeah," she moves the vase to the far end of her desk and sits down.

"I have to say I don't think I've ever seen someone have such an adverse reaction to flowers. Let me guess mystery guy messed and sending you flowers to make up?"

Olivia forces a chuckle waving the card back and forth in her hand. "You're good."

"Eh well. I've had my share of guys who couldn't get it right so I'm used to it." Pippa begins to fidget uncomfortably and look away from her. Instantly, she knows that one of those guys is probably Elliot. Her instinct is to comfort her or offer some cliche words of advice but she knows she's absolutely the last person to be able to offer any encouragement after what happened between them last night.

The guilt begins to twist in her gut. And to make matters worse she hates herself for being a little disappointed that the flowers aren't from Elliot but brushes the notion off as silly. Why would he send her flowers anyway? Once again it was her heart getting ahead of her head.

"I'm sure it will be fine," she offers half heartedly and opens her laptop hoping it signals the end of their conversation. The situation has gotten complicated to say the least and this is a woman she works with. Olivia doesn't even know if Pippa and Elliot will continue to date or how often they've gone out and it's none of her business. Just like her and Ed's relationship isn't Elliot's. But they are towing a very fine line and someone will get hurt.

"Yeah well Elliot cancelled on me last night claiming an emergency came up so I'm starting to get the feeling that he's not interested anymore." Olivia freezes momentarily but starts back typing even though nothing on the screen makes sense.

He cancelled their date to follow her to her house and talk. Shit.

"I'm sorry," Pippa apologizes, her hand clutching her necklace in embarrassment. "This must be a little weird for us to talk about considering the whole history with you guys."

 _Thank god she said it._

Olivia lowers her blue rimmed glasses and sets them in front of her. "Honestly yeah it is. Look I know we kinda talked about it before you realized I knew who he was but El-I mean Elliot didn't talk to me much about his love life even when we were partners so.."

"No it's ok I get it. I should get going anyway. I'm due in court in a little bit."

She tried not to make her relief shown. "Ok I will let you know if there are any issues at arraignment."

A few minutes later she was gone and Olivia was back to work. In between checking on Noah and work, she called and made reservations for her and Ed for dinner. There was no doubt that she wasn't overly excited about seeing him again especially after the way they left things and what happened with Elliot but more than anything she wanted answers. What he said about the circumstances surrounding his resignation was burning in her brain.

It would be tricky to infuse her questions with what was supposed to be a "romantic" date but there was no way she could sit with him for hours and not get answers. Then it dawned on her. If he admitted to it, to all of it, did it change anything?

She knew he used less than honorable tactics on almost every member of her squad at some point and she made the decision to date him nonetheless. Should this be any different?

But of course it was different. Because it involved Elliot. And this is why she resented him at times even when it wasn't always warranted.

He changed the way she thought about the simplest of situations. Everything was so black and white until he was involved. He was always her shade of grey.

The smell of the flowers filled her nostrils as she tries in vain to rub the tension from her temples. Lilies. They were beautiful. Not her favorite flower but it was a kind gesture nonetheless. He was trying and that deserved something. Her phone starts to buzz again and she exhales. She just needs a few moments to breathe, recoup from one thing before something else pops up. It was Pippa.

"Benson."

"Olivia we've got a huge problem."

* * *

Elliot dropped Eli off at Kathy's after soccer practice before heading back into the city. His talk with Maureen along with a fresh crop of his own overthinking was still swarming his brain. He hasn't talked to Olivia all day or sent her any messages for fear of overcrowding her. The previous night had to have taken a toll on her and he didn't want to over do it but at the same time he wanted her to know that he was still thinking about her.

About them.

Unable to fight the temptation any longer, he sends her a message.

 _Do you have a few minutes to talk?_

He's almost back to his apartment when Olivia calls him.

"Hey," he says timidly. His voice is almost shy as if he's unsure how to talk to her now that they have kissed.

"Hey," she responds gruffly.

His overprotectiveness kicks into high gear and his voice is suddenly stronger. "What's wrong?"

Her sigh tells him all he needs to know. "Tell me where you are. I'll meet you."

"El-"

"Tell me."

"I'm almost home but you don't-"

"The hell I don't. I'm about twenty minutes away from you. I'll be there soon."

Suddenly, every light is taking too long and traffic seems to take forever. She still hasn't hung and he decides to talk to her until he gets there. "Tell me what's going on."

She's still silent and he thinks he hears sniffles on the other end of the line and it breaks his heart. There's only been a handful of times that he remembers seeing her cry. She's always been the strong one even when he wishes she didn't have to be. Too caught up in his own bullshit he didn't always comfort her the way he should have early on in their partnership but towards the end they had finally gotten to the point where they didn't mind showing that side to one another. "Liv. Tell me or if you can't talk right now I'll just hold the phone until I get there. Whatever works for you. Ok?"

Olivia sighs again and pulls herself together before she confides in him that Rollins and the CSU techs dropped the ball with the chain of custody in a key piece of evidence for their suspect's trial causing the case to be thrown out. Pippa called her furious and they have to start from square one. It was a high profile case, as 1PP acts like so many of them are, and Dodds on the cusp of retirement, had called to bitch her out.

By the time he pulls up to her apartment building he spots her silhouette sitting in the car near her building. He doesn't hesitate to shut off the engine and head over to her.

"Hey," he says as he opens the passenger side door and sits down next to her. She's not crying anymore but he could tell by the puffiness under her eyes that he had just missed her tears. He was partially thankful that he was not there to witness them. A crying Olivia Benson was enough to knock even the strongest man to their knees.

He watches her closely while she stares forward on the parked car in front of them, trying hard not to make eye contact. "I have to go upstairs soon, I need to give Noah a bath," she says mechanically.

"Ok, we can just sit here for a minute and just...sit."

They are quiet for a few moments and he watches her hand squirm around the steering wheel and then rest on her knee. He wants so much to grab it and comfort her any way he can but he's still walking on eggshells. The boundaries of their relationship are still undefined. While they sit, he notices the flowers in the backseat.

Olivia tenses slightly at his observation and answers before he has a chance to ask. "They are from Ed. We are supposed to go out tonight," she explains with no emotion.

Elliot sucks in a breath trying to reel in his growing feelings of anger. "Going out?"

"Yep. I promised him I would take him to dinner earlier this week."

He rolls his eyes back in his head, his thumb and index finger pinching his nose to try and keep calm. If he reacts wrong to this he will lose her. He's so close and yet so far but can't help but feel like the same territorial bastard who wanted to ward off any man that got anywhere near her. Besides this wasn't just any man. This was Tucker and he hates the guy with every fiber of his being.

"Well I'd certainly hate for you to break your promise," he bites off trying but failing to hide his disdain.

"Don't start Elliot," she turns her head to him pleading with her eyes. She can't take anything else today. "I told him I wouldn't cancel this and I won't. There are some things he and I need to talk about. Did you think everything was going to change because of what happened last night?"

Truthfully he did or he had hoped. But he knew better.

"Anyway, I don't need to let another person down today. I told him we would go out and we will. I just-I just need a minute to pull myself together," her voice cracks.

Without thinking he leans over and pulls her into his arms as best he can considering their position in the car. Olivia rests her head in the crux of his neck, similar to the way she had done the night before when they were standing in her living room and when he hugged her after Sonya Paxton died. Leaning his head against hers, his jealousy is instantly sidelined replaced by the overwhelming need to be there for her. He strokes her back gently and can feel the tension slowly begin to leave her body. Minutes pass and he tells her it's going to be ok and whispers other reassuring words in her ear.

"What time is it?" she asks, her words muffled by his shoulder.

"It's almost 7."

"Shit," she curses but doesn't make an effort to move. Her eyelashes flutter against his neck and his arm shifts away from her back to her arm. "I need to go."

"You still haven't told me everything that's wrong. Let me help you," he whispers into her hair.

"I'll be fine."

"Liv.."

"I just feel like I'm always coming up short. If it's not juggling work and managing my team, I'm letting Noah down and not spending enough time with him. I can't even begin to maintain any kind of friendships or a social life," she ranted her head still firmly planted on his shoulder, "I feel like I'm trying to do everything and I'm failing at everything. I feel like I'm letting everyone down. Like nothing I do is good enough."

Elliot chuckles to himself, the vibration of his shoulders causing her to jerk her head up. "Are you laughing at me?" She stares at him in disbelief.

"No," he defends but doesn't wipe the smile from his face. "Ok yes."

Olivia reaches for the door handle in disgust. "Good night Elliot."

"No wait," he puts his hand on the door to stop her. "I wasn't laughing at you. It's just-you're a mom Liv. You're a mom to a toddler and the Commanding Officer of the Special Victims Unit."

She watches him waiting for him to state something that's not so obvious.

"I could barely keep a handle on my kids and I had a wife at home and I was just a detective. I didn't have a whole squad to manage," he explains. She unfolds her arms and softens her gaze. "Honestly if you didn't have a bit of a meltdown or feel overwhelmed every once in awhile I would think you were a robot or something. You're human Liv and the fact that you are managing it as well as you are is just.."

Her brown eyes watch him expectantly. "It's amazing. You're allowed to doubt yourself. All parents do. And I imagine all leaders do too. Cragen wouldn't have left the squad to you if he didn't know you could do it."

Tears prick her eyelids, his thumb sets on the edge catching them before they fall to her cheek. "I know you can do it. Some days are harder than others like today but it all comes with the territory. You're a good mom."

She rolls her eyes and scoffs. "How do you know?"

"Is he still alive?" he asks, his smile reluctantly causing her lips to curl up.

"Yes, he's alive."

"But seriously. I know you're a good mom because you don't know how to be anything else. You will run yourself ragged just to make sure you are home in time to put him to bed and make sure you're the last face he sees at night and the first one he sees in the morning."

A single tear falls down her cheek at his words. He's not sure but he has a feeling it's what she needed to hear.

His thumb rubs back and forth across her face as she begins to calm down. Unable to stop himself, his eyes drift down to her lips and back to her eyes. There is a slight flicker he sees staring back at him.

It's approval.

Permission.

Elliot leans in, his heart racing. He pecks her lips gently at first, waiting. Their newfound relationship is like navigating a landmine. One wrong move and everything could explode. She presses her lips to his in return and leans in seeking more of him. He tastes the faint flavor of Bourbon mixed with peppermint on her soft lips. Olivia opens her mouth slightly in an invitation and his tongue quickly meets hers. The kiss begins to heat up and he can feel his body responding. Aroused, his hand tangles in her wavy chestnut hair pulling her even closer as his mouth ravishes hers.

His mind is lost, he knows this isn't the time or the place but his senses are firing on all cylinders. She's vulnerable for all the wrong reasons and even more so, she's about to go out with another man.

The thought pulls him back instantly. "I'm sorry Liv I shouldn't-I shouldn't have."

"It's ok," she whispers against his lips. "I need to go. I mean Noah has-"

"I get it." Scrubbing his hand down his face, his sigh is a mixture of defeat and aggravation. He has to let her go. Against everything in him, he has to walk away from her tonight and everything that is simmering between them. "Are you sure you are ok?"

"Yeah." Olivia gives him a sad smile but the gratitude she feels is evident. "Thanks for the talk El. Really." She touches his hand and he squeezes it in return.

He looks down at their hands intertwined. "I know it may not have felt that way and I have a lot of making up to do but I will always be here when you need me. Always."

Elliot gets out of the car and she follows soon after. "Don't forget your flowers," he reminds her.

"Oh yeah," she flushes a bit embarrassed for a second.

"Lillies hunh? I would've bought Peonies." Her favorite flower. The one thing he knows her and her mom had in common and had delivered to the funeral home when Serena passed away. She smiles again in recognition. No matter how much time has passed, he will always know her better than anyone else.

"Good Night Liv."

He watches her walk up the stairs and let herself into the building waving goodnight to him. Elliot gathers himself for a few moments before he places his hands in his pockets and walks back over to his jeep hoping and praying that whatever is developing between them and the truth he revealed to her about why he left is the beginning of the end of her relationship with Ed Tucker.


	9. Chapter 9

Olivia studies her appearance in the mirror for a few minutes. Her hair pulled up in a messy bun, dangling silver earrings and a purple wrap dress with black heels. It's simple but nice enough for the occasion although it was the first dress she found in her closet. She hadn't had time to search through for the perfect outfit because she was already running late and honestly she just didn't feel like putting that much effort into her appearance for the date. There was a goal in mind.

Answers.

And hopefully she could find a way to get them and put her mind at ease about everything...or at least some things. Where it all went from there she wasn't sure.

"How does mommy look?" She asks Noah who sits in the middle of her bed focused more on his blocks than her posing in front of the mirror.

"Preddy," he giggles and smiles in return. Somehow she managed to bathe him, jump in the shower and get ready in under 40 minutes. A new record.

"Ok little man Lucy should be here any minute." Gathering his toys off the bed, she picks him up and walks into his nursery to entertain him for a few minutes when she hears the knock on the door. "And there she is. Come on sweetie." He walks closely behind her as she checks the peephole and verifies that it is her babysitter.

"Who is that?" She asks the toddler as she opens the door.

"Lucy!" He squeals and runs into her arms. Of course he can't help but be crazy about the young brunette since sometimes he sees her more than he does his own mom. A sad fact that bothers her but she can't afford to think about too much in that moment. She's had one meltdown already. She doesn't need another one.

"Hey there little guy. Are you ready for bed?"

Noah immediately shakes his head and they both laugh.

Picking him up, she walks with him back to his room, his little legs wrapped around her waist. "A few more minutes up Noah and then it's time for bed ok?"

"Ok mama," he sighs sadly and it breaks her heart just a little. Not unusual for his age, he's always over dramatic about bedtime as if he's going to miss something.

Olivia sits with him in the rocking chair and runs her hand through his hair, her other hand caressing his back over his Ninja Turtle pajamas. The simple gesture always seems to calm him.

"Liv it's your phone. I think your date is here." Lucy hands her the ringing device.

"Ok sweetie," she places a kiss on his forehead. "You be good for Lucy ok? I love you."

"Love you," he mumbles back giving her a quick kiss.

She hands him over to Lucy and grabs her coat and keys.

"I shouldn't be too late."

"Take all the time you need."

 _Trust me I won't need much,_ she's dying to say out loud but keeps it to herself. As soon as she opens the door she is startled by Ed.

"Hey what are you doing up here? I thought I was going to meet you downstairs."

His jaw is tight, hands clasped in his coat pocket. "It's a date Olivia I thought I could at least meet you at your door."

His mood throws her off for a bit. If anything she expected to be the one with a little attitude all things considering. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah I'm fine just rough day at the office. You ready?" He checks his watch. "We're already running late for your reservation."

Furrowing her brow at his curtness, she walks down the hall alongside him a bit perplexed. She knows how she can be after a hard day. Her previous breakdown in the car a reminder of that so she loosens up.

Ed is dressed in a dark grey shirt, black slacks, with a grey and black striped tie. "You look nice."

"Thanks," he remarks gruffly. "So do you."

Their elevator ride down and walk to the car is cloaked in silence and she feels the overwhelming urge to cancel. "We can do this another night if you want."

He scoffs as he stands near the car, jingling the keys back and forth in his hands. Looking around as if he's trying to conjure up a good mood, he finally exhales and moves closer to her. "Look I'm sorry. Just tell me Olivia. Is this what you want?"

"What? To go to dinner?" She asks confused.

"To be with me? Is this what you want?"

If she knew the answer to that question at least one thing in her life would be a little bit easier right now. Either way it wasn't the time or the place for the conversation. After his display the night before, the fact that he's picking yet another fight pisses her off. The flowers were supposed to be a sign of peace or at least she thought.

"Where is this coming from? Either you want to go to dinner or you don't."

Ed moves closer to her, his blue eyes piercing a hole into hers. "It's a simple question Olivia."

Not one to be backed in a corner she mounts the best offense she can. "So let me get this straight. After basically telling me last night that I'm incapable of having a relationship because of everything that 'happened' to me," she uses air quotes, "then sending me flowers as what I can only assume now was a half ass apology, you want to confront me about whether or not I want to be with you? Why wouldn't I though right? Because this whole display is certainly appealing."

His posture softens and she can see his anger slip marginally. Whatever has him fired up her words seem to have weakened it somewhat.

He places his right hand on her elbow pulling her a little closer. "You're right. I'm sorry."

Olivia exhales in relief. Somehow she managed to dodge the real answer to the question. An answer she doesn't have.

"Do you want to cancel? We can do this another night." Her tone is more calm trying to remove some of the tension that now exists between them.

"No. I've actually been looking forward to this all week," he answers giving her a smile that doesn't quite meet his eyes. "Come on let's go."

Their ride to the restaurant is fairly silent, a few cordial exchanges about their days. Not surprisingly she omits the part about Elliot but does share about the issues with Pippa and the case. Whatever happened with his day that put him in a foul mood she doesn't get the answer to but then again because he's Internal Affairs. There's only so much he can share with her anyway.

At the restaurant, they sit and browse the menu in silence. She can feel his eyes on her but makes no effort to strike up a conversation. Instead her mind swirls trying to think of some way to bring up the Elliot thing without being overly obvious.

"So what kind of wine are we ordering tonight?"

Olivia shifts in her seat, placing her black clutch closer to the end of the table. "Whatever you want. Surprise me."

Ed lifts his eyebrow in surprise. "Well ok. That's a first."

She lowers the menu and lifts her eyebrow as well. "Excuse me?"

"Nothing," he shakes his head. "You just normally like to choose so.."

Olivia shrugs off his comment and continues to look at the menu. It's never taken so long to pick out something to eat but her mind is swirling at how quickly everything had changed. It wasn't a few days ago that Ed had been her source of comfort. The person she called when she needed to take her mind off Elliot suddenly rolling back into her life and they had shared many talks in bars over the months about the stresses of the job. It was an outlet that she felt she needed while she tried to come to terms with her new role but once again life has thrown her a curveball and turned everything on its axis.

"Actually," she speaks up and motions for the waiter again and he's back at her side within a few moments. "Can I get a glass of Nero d'Avola?" The small glass of bourbon she had earlier before meeting with Elliot hard worn off, and the meltdown had completely sobered her up.

"I figured you'd change your mind."

She half rolls her eyes, her arm plopping down on the table. "Well you do know me so well."

It came off bitchier than intended.

"There must be something more on your mind than just what happened with Pippa today," he coaxed her. "You seem a lot more on edge."

"Well let's see," she picks up the glass of wine that was just delivered and takes a small sip. "What happened was a pretty big deal considering Dodds called me...again and then there was your wonderful display when you came to pick me up," she reminds him.

A flash of regret crosses his face but he begins to fidget with the linen cloth in his lap. "I apologized for that."

"I know you did."

"So there's nothing else?" he prods. His blue eyes bore into hers and she's thankful they aren't the same shade of blue as Elliot's because that would be all types of weird and completely unwelcome at the moment...or ever. His question feels more like an interrogation and she may as well be on the other side of the steel table at IAB with a mic pointed in her direction while she answers his questions. Tired of holding back and not having an ounce of patience left in her she decides to dive right into it.

"What happened with Elliot's resignation?"

His back straightens, his eyes looking down for a split second before he answers. "What about it? He turned his papers in after he shot that girl. You were there."

"Yeah I was," she sets the empty glass down. "But I don't know the specifics other than he would've been ordered to take anger management and-'

"Why do you even need to know the specifics?" he cuts her off. "He resigned. And not only did he resign did he even call you after to let you know? Or did you find out from Cragen?"

Olivia's blood runs cold. They stare at each other and don't bother to look away when the waiter brings out the entree. How dare he? They had never talked about the fact she got the news about Elliot's resignation from Cragen but of course word had spread around the cop circle that the partnership that many believed to be romantic at one point or another had completely dissolved when he left the force.

Clutching the tablecloth, she tries to regain composure and stop herself from cursing him out for bringing up something that left her in tears more often than not in the months following his leaving the force.

"It doesn't matter why I need to know," she seethes through gritted teeth. "I asked you a question. What happened?"

Ed grabs his fork and pushes the pasta around his plate aggressively. Her leg is shaking under the table nervously as she anticipates his answer. Seconds feel like minutes. She hasn't touched her food and her wine glass is empty. Suddenly she's pissed that she chose a place that was so quiet and intimate. With the exception of a few glasses and plates clinking together in the kitchen area, the conversations are so low she almost believes that no one is talking. Maybe she should've shelved this conversation until they left or when they were in the car. Now Pandora's box has been opened. Even though it's irrational, this isn't the place or the time and she's not sure it will change a damn thing, she wants to know.

"Let me help you out since you can't seem to find the answer. I just want to know one thing."

He drops his fork immediately. "What?"

"Did you tell him that if he didn't resign that it would make me damaged goods in the eyes of the NYPD and my career would be compromised?"

The second his gaze leaves hers she has her answer.

"Unbelievable," she huffs.

"Olivia listen," he reaches his hand out to hers across the table and she quickly jerks it back. "I wasn't telling him anything that wasn't the truth. Stabler's jacket was twice the size of yours and yes there were rumors about you and how the two of you always covered for each other but he was _always_ in trouble. Do you know how many excessive force complaints he had? The shootings? Partners are a package deal. Now that you run a squad you should know that."

She's shaking her head before he's even done talking. "That's not true. Rollins has had her issues and so did Amaro. It hasn't reflected bad on me or Fin."

Now it's Ed's turn to roll his eyes. "Are you really going to sit up here and compare you and Stabler to you and Amaro and Rollins and Tutuola? Really?"

And there it is. There was more to it.

"You and I both know there is no comparison," he whispers harshly trying to keep his voice down. "And we both know why."

Yes. She knew why. But she wanted him to say it.

"Maybe we both don't. Why don't you tell me?" she challenges

Ed throws his napkin on to the table, his dinner forgotten and starts to motion for the waiter.

"What are you doing?"

"We are getting out of here," he says and his anger is palpable.

"We haven't even had dinner yet. Why the rush? You wanted us to go out. We are out. If you were just doing your job then what's the big deal?" She's on a roll and knows she should stop herself but she keeps going. "That's what you always say right? Do what you have to do to make sure there aren't any dirty cops so there can be justice. Our jobs are so important. So why don't you tell me what was so different about me and Elliot? Tell me why you felt the need to use me to get him to quit his job."

The waiter arrives at the table with the check and quickly exits just as Ed gives her a determined stare. "Because I knew there were romantic feelings between the two of you. Hell everybody knew it. You think you two weren't the talk of 1PP?"

Olivia takes a quick moment to recover and strikes back. "What the hell does that have to do with you forcing him out of his job?"

"Because you would've gone around for years being a love sick puppy while he held on to his family AND you. And you deserve more than that Olivia. If Stabler wasn't around you wouldn't be CO of your unit right now. You probably wouldn't even still have a damn job. Do you even think you would be a mother right now? He held you back from everything and you just went along with it."

The feelings come over her in waves. The words she echoed to Nick almost a year ago when he left coming back full circle. It was the same thoughts she had once when she was the most angry and hurt by him. They had since faded but to hear someone say the exact same thing was hard to fathom. And him of all people.

"He didn't hold me back," she defends weakly staring at her empty wine glass.

"Yes he did," he chuckles bitterly. "And he's doing it now."

Her head snaps up in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"You and me. You are holding back on us because of him."

She leans in and whispers furiously almost knocking over the plate in front of her. "No i'm not."

"Yes you are," he says calmly. Almost too calmly. "I saw you. I saw you and Stabler kissing in the car."

Olivia freezes, a small gasp escaping from her throat.

"Here you are sir," the waiter interrupts but they don't break their stare. "Can I get a box for your food ma'am?"

She shakes her head. "No thanks. I'm not hungry."

Ed scribbles his signature on the receipt and stands on the side of the table waiting for her to stand up. "Are you ready?"

Clearly more a statement than a question as he's made it clear that he's ready to leave and under no circumstances can she stay in an open quiet restaurant for much longer while she's screaming on the inside.

Grabbing her clutch, he walks a few steps behind her and they collect their coats from the front before they head to his car. Despite his anger, Ed holds the door open for her but doesn't meet her eyes as she settles into the seat and waits for him to come around the car and get in. There is no radio on during the drive and she can feel the tension thick in the air.

Her mind didn't have time to process how she didn't notice that someone was watching them in the car. Instead her focus was on what he said at the table.

About Elliot.

His reasoning for why he did what he did. And her deserving more. Her therapist had discussed with her why she didn't think she deserved someone who truly loved her. A trait that he traced back to her tumultuous relationship with Serena and the brutal reality surrounding her conception. It was a thought that she herself had tossed around and that Lewis taunted her with when he tried to get inside her head when he held her captive. The concept of not feeling worthy of love was something she equated with the most horrific and negative parts of her life and despite the way he tore himself from her life and the hurt she felt in his absence, she could never feel that depth of dissension towards Elliot. He had disappointed her, yes. He had left her without a word, certainly. But in spite of it all she never believed for a second that he stopped caring about her.

Those thoughts soon dissolve into moments of them together over those long years of their partnership. Promises of giving kidneys, helping to save the life of his wife and son, running off to Oregon, heartfelt conversations on his stoop at 4am after arguing, mortgaging his home to bail her out of prison. The feeling of protectiveness and defensiveness surges through her. Words bubble up to the surface that she hadn't said before when Elliot was in her life and words that were the opposite of what she said when her other partner moved on.

The car comes to a stop and just like that, they are back in front of her apartment. Ed doesn't turn off the car but places his hand on her knee, lightly stroking his index finger back and forth.

"What do you want Olivia?" he asks again. The same question from a couple of hours ago. She was confused then about what he meant, but she knows exactly what he's asking now. But that doesn't mean she has the answer. "I don't know," she says immediately.

He retracts his hand from her knee, placing it on the steering wheel instead. Grateful that he still hasn't shut off the car engine, her hands reach for the door handle to leave but the words that were on the edge of her heart spill out instead.

"You're right," she says simply, clearing her throat to make sure her words come out clear and concise. She wants there to be no misunderstanding.

"About what?"

"About me not being Lieutenant if Elliot was still my partner," she says turning to make eye contact with him. "I would probably still just be a detective."

Ed smirks slightly, happy that she agreed that he was right.

"I would've still been a detective because that's what I was happy doing. It wasn't easy but I was happy. I didn't have any of the politics or the games it was just me and him trying to find justice for the victims any way we could," she continues and his lips begin to flatten. The momentary boost of confidence slowly fading away. " He probably would still be with his family and I still would've been single so you're right about that too. But he didn't hold me back. _I_ did. I did because even though he was married to someone else, I found a sense of security in him that I never found in anyone else and _that_ was what was most important to me. So you were right about that too. But where you are wrong Ed. Where you are dead wrong is that I would've still been a mother. Because he believed I would be a great mom when I didn't even believe it myself," she declares trying to keep the shakiness out of her voice as she recalls the words he said to her in the car when they were investigating some stolen embryos. "He would've supported me any way he could in being a mother."

"Oli-"

"No," she interrupts him. "Let me finish. It wasn't your decision to make about what I was being held back from. If you twisted around how you handled his resignation because of me then that makes you no different than what you were trying to save me from. Elliot may be a lot of things that you and others in 1PP may not necessarily like but he was never someone I needed to be saved from. In a lot of ways he saved me."

Ed's chest visibly deflates as he sighs in defeat, gripping the steering wheel. Olivia finally pulls on the door handle and lets herself out.

"Good night Ed."

* * *

Author's Note: Thank you guys for hanging in there with me with Ed and Pippa. I know everyone is ready for them to get lost but please just trust me. We will get there.


	10. Chapter 10

The drive back to his apartment was filled with every thought imaginable.

He had kissed her. Again.

He had comforted her. Again.

But she was out with Tucker. Again.

Elliot's head was a mess. Taking the long way home only gave him more time to think, his attempts to distract himself not working at all. Finally, he decided to go to the gym hoping to wear himself out to the point that his brain could rest and he wouldn't keep thinking about what was happening with her and Tucker at that very moment.

Instead he tried to focus on the positive. When she was in trouble it was him that she allowed herself to be vulnerable with. Her mini meltdown in the car, while normal for a parent, especially a single one had concerned him. It wasn't like Olivia to show signs of weakness but if there was anything that could bring you to your knees, it was the love and well being of your child. There was no doubt in his mind that she was a good mother, although he had yet to see her and Noah interact but it pained him to see her doubt herself so much.

Elliot walks away from the weight bench and over to the heavy bag. The gym is pretty much deserted because it's a Friday night and he's grateful for the solitude. As he puts on the gloves and starts to take a few shots, his hits become more and more aggressive. Somehow, his thoughts had quickly turned to Tucker and he's whaling more and more on the bag. Everything he'd said to him over the years. Their arguments, the accusations, the satisfied smirk on his face when he turned in his gun and badge after he threw Olivia in his face. She was his weakness, and Tucker had capitalized on that…... in more ways than one.

"Damn man," Mark, one of the trainers walks in wide eyed. "You got a lot on your mind?"

Elliot chuckles, holding the bag to stop it from swinging. "You have no idea. What are you doing here?" he asks. Breathing heavy, he walks over to the water fountain.

"I was about to ask you the same thing." Mark puts on his gloves and watches Elliot closely. "It's Friday night. Shouldn't you be out or something?"

He and Mark had developed somewhat of a friendship since he left the force and was hitting the gym more and more to blow off steam.

Elliot wipes the sweat off his forehead with a towel, drinking a little more water. "I guess I should be but I'm not really up to it tonight."

"Wanna go a few rounds?" Mark offers bumping his hands together.

"I don't know if you want that tonight man. I have a lot on my mind."

"That's the best time. Let's go old man."

* * *

Olivia soaks in her tub, her finger brushing along the rim of her wine glass perched on the edge. Coupled with the hot water and lack of food, the alcohol is seeping quickly into her bloodstream. Exactly the way she needs it to be.

Everything almost seems like an alternate universe. As soon as she gets used to things being one way the rug is pulled from under her. She remembers the exact moment she realized that Ed was possibly a different person than she thought he was. During the trial with Nick's dad when he actually showed some sympathy for his situation and they talked about everything and nothing over drinks at the bar. It had opened her eyes to her new reality that she was now seeing other people as allies and friends that she would've never thought possible.

Cragen was gone, Munch was gone, Nick moved to California. One by one people kept disappearing from her life and she was trying like hell to hold on to some constants.

She picks up the glass taking the last sip of the wine, closing her eyes as it slides down her throat and tears well up in her eyes.

So here she lies. Again.

Disappointed. Again.

Angry. Again.

Drinking. Again.

Ed wasn't the person she wanted him to be. Or needed him to be. Deep down she guesses she always knew that one way or another. The emotional side of her wants to say that if Elliot claims he's changed then maybe Ed has too. But if she had been a person led by her emotions then she would be living a much different life than she is now. She's always let rationality rein supreme even if her heart wanted something different.

Things could've been different if Ed hadn't forced Elliot's hand to resign. Or would they have been? She would never have the answer to that question. Trying to remind herself that things always turn out the way they are supposed to be, she lets the tears roll down her cheek quietly not bothering to wipe them away.

She doesn't know how it got this way. When she started existing instead of living. She has Noah, she's a mother. That should be enough to make her happy. But it's not. There's still a piece that's missing. Something that doesn't quite add up. Laying her head against the back of the tub she tries to remember when it all went sideways. She's had more than her share of tragedies in her life but there was something that made this all different.

Maybe she shouldn't be missing those appointments with her therapist for work.

Maybe she needs more help than she thought.

Maybe it was a bad idea to be Lieutenant and she should've just stayed a detective.

…..Maybe she just needs to go to bed.

* * *

After sparring with Mark and talking a little bit after when they both changed clothes and headed out, Elliot decided to call Pippa. Everything with Olivia was up in the air and he didn't know where it would lead but one thing he wouldn't do is lead Pippa on. Especially since her and Olivia worked together. She answered when he called and he could tell she was a bit put off until he asked her to meet up at a small restaurant near her place.

Now he stands outside waiting for her, his hands stuck nervously in the pocket of his jeans fiddling around with loose change. He doesn't have anything prepared of what he will say or how he will say it, all he plans to tell her is the truth and hope that she doesn't hate him.

Elliot pulls his phone out of his pocket, a little disappointed that he doesn't have a message or call from Olivia.

She must still be out with Tucker.

He exhales and starts to pace back and forth on the surprisingly quiet sidewalk. There are a few stragglers who watch him for a brief second and go back to their business.

"Hey there you are," Pippa says as she walks towards him. Her red hair is perfectly straight and she's dressed somewhat casually in dark blue jeans, a cream blouse and dark blue crop jacket. She's a beautiful woman no doubt but as is the case with any woman he's met after his divorce, she's just not Olivia.

Elliot pulls her into a hug. "Thanks for meeting me on such short notice."

Pippa steps back and looks into his eyes and her demeanor instantly changes. She knows. "It's not a problem," she says cooly. "Ready to go in?"

"Yeah." Opening the door for her, he falls in step close behind as they settle at a small table near the back. For a Friday night, it's pretty quiet and he's thankful that his many years of being a New Yorker has afforded him the ability to know where the hole in the walls are with the best food.

They are only sitting down for a minute, when Pippa clasps her hands together staring him straight on. "You aren't interested in seeing me anymore are you?"

Elliot stiffens for a brief moment, fidgeting with his menu. "Umm wow."

"Sorry I'm just not a beat around the bush kind of gal," she adds and sets the menu aside.

"I appreciate that. I uhhh-look I think you are great," he explains and she rolls her eyes.

"Elliot it's fine. I've been around the block a few times. I know how this works. Is it Olivia?"

His eyes cast down away from her blue ones. "Yes and no."

The words are getting lost in his head somewhere but he needs to find some way to explain this to her that doesn't make it sound like the complicated shit show that it is.

The waitress comes and takes their drink order, water for him, diet coke for her and then he's back trying to explain a situation that he's not sure he has a full grasp of. "The thing with me and Olivia is complicated but until I figure it out I don't think it's a good idea for us to continue to date. I would just feel like I'm leading you on and I don't want to do that."

Pippa nods, unclasping her hands and crossing them instead. Her defenses go down just a little bit, happy that he's at least being honest. "Elliot, I knew you had something complicated with your former partner. In fact, before I knew it was her I confided in Olivia about it."

His eyebrows furrow in surprise. "You knew?"

"You would have to be blind not to see," she laughs uncomfortably. "Her and I haven't really talked about it but I've noticed that she's been a bit more tense around me lately so I figured there was something up."

"I want you to know that her and I have not sle-"

Pippa's hands go up to stop him. "You don't have to explain yourself. The truth is me and you went out on a couple of dates. We weren't exclusive, I get that. Plus I know she's seeing someone so I never took her for the type to be a two timer."

"Yeah," Elliot rolls his eyes. "Tucker I know."

Pippa stills in surprise. "Tucker. As in Ed Tucker from IAB?"

 _Shit_ , he curses to himself. "Forget I said anything."

"No," she looks bewildered tucking her hair behind her ear. "It's just surprising that's all. I saw them a couple of times together and I never would've figured-well anyway."

He nods not quite sure what to say next and a little intrigued that Pippa had been around Olivia and Tucker and was unable to tell they were dating. She seemed pretty intuitive and was able to read him and Olivia before she even saw them together.

"Thank you for being understanding. I don't know what will happen with all of this but I know I have to figure it out and get my shit together before I can date anyone."

Her teeth bite down into her bottom lip while she contemplates. "I appreciate you being honest with me."

Elliot exhales in relief, his arms relaxing on the table. "Really?"

"Yes, really," she smiles at his obvious relief. "I know it's all a bit awkward but the truth is you could've let this go on longer and get more weird for all of us and you didn't. I can't help but respect that."

"Thank you," he reaches out and touches her hand. "You really are a great woman. I really do have fun with you."

The waitress stops by in front of them. "Are you guys ready to order?"

Nervously, he looks over at her wondering if she even wants to stay.

"Yes, I'm ready. Elliot are you?"

He smiles and looks at his menu again. "I think I am."

They both order their food and make idle chit chat until their food arrives.

"So what are you going to do?" Pippa asks twirling the pasta on to her fork.

He stares back at her confused. "About what?"

"Olivia."

Picking the linen napkin up off his lap, he dabs the corner of his mouth and takes a sip of water. "Well like you said she's seeing someone so it's not really up to me, it's her decision."

The feeling settles in the pit of his stomach as he utters the words. He was for all intents and purposes completely out of control in this situation. A place that he was not comfortable and was a trigger for him in a lot of ways.

"So let me get this straight," she drops her fork and leans in a little to look him square in the eye. "You're going to break it off with me to stand by on the sidelines and watch what she does next?"

Elliot continues to play with his food, realizing just how dumb the idea sounds now that it's said aloud. It made more sense in his head. "It has to be her decision. I'm not going to push myself on her."

"Look, I know that Olivia has been through a lot. More than anyone should have," she begins and their eyes meet in a silent understanding of what she means. Lewis. "And her and I aren't best friends but I know her well enough to know that she's not always the best in going for what she wants on a personal level."

"She will fight for others before she will fight for herself," he mumbles. "Yeah I know."

"And you're not going to do anything about it?"

He shrugs his shoulders and drinks more water trying to buy himself time before he answers. "I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Look Elliot you're a good guy," she begins and he starts to chuckle. "What? What's so funny?"

"After I ended things with us because of some feelings I have for someone you work with who is dating someone else you are telling me I'm a good guy. Kinda ironic hunh?"

Pippa starts to laugh and he notices again just how attractive she is. His life would be so much more simple if he could just fall for her. If there was no Olivia. But simple didn't always equate to happiness. He had the divorce to prove it.

"Not ironic," she leans forward, her hands folded in front of her. "Most guys I know would've seen what would happen with Olivia and go out on a few more dates with me, get sex and then tell me that it's not working out."

Elliot looks at his watch. "Well…."

"Oh shut up," she hits him with her linen napkin.

"But seriously. I'll figure it out one of these days."

"Can I offer up some advice?"

He chuckles and pushes his plate to the side. "Haven't you been doing that since we sat down?"

Pippa puts her hand up in surrender but continues to talk nonetheless. "Okay you got me there but seriously. If I could give you any advice it would be just to go for it. If there's one thing that you and I know from the work we do that tomorrow is not promised. You never know when it's over, ya know?"

"Yeah," his lip curls up slightly. "I know. All too well."

"Can I interest you guys in some dessert?" the waitress asks.

"None for me thanks," Elliot declines.

"Ill take a dessert menu. He just dumped me so the least he can do is pay for dessert."

The waitress looks dumbfounded and they both laugh in response as she hands Pippa the menu.

He finally starts to relax and feels a weight lifted off his shoulders. Pippa exhales and shakes her head while she checks her cell phone.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"No what? Tell me."

"That was my niece texting me about going dress shopping tomorrow. I got invited to this party next week, big formal shindig next week for one of my colleagues retiring and I was actually going to ask you tonight to go with me but now.."

"I'd love to go," he interrupts.

"Really? It will probably be boring as hell."

"A bunch of lawyers I'm sure it will be," he laughs. "But seriously I have a couple of really good suits somewhere. You've really helped me out a lot tonight, just talking and the advice. Let me return the favor."

Pippa smiles, considering his offer. It wouldn't be the first time she went with a guy to an event and it was purely platonic. Plus, she did have a nice time with Elliot so if anything it would make Dodds' retirement party a little more manageable.

"Ok," she agrees. "It's a non date."

They clink their glasses together to seal the deal.

* * *

Olivia tosses and turns in the bed, half awake half sleep. Voices are hard to make out. She hears a voice she thinks is Elliot's and then one voice that is unmistakeable.

 _Let it rain._

And she jerks up in the bed, gasping for air. Her chest is heaving, small beads of sweat rim her forehead. Closing her eyes, she steadies herself.

She's at home.

In bed.

Safe.

There is a faint buzzing sounds and she looks to the left to see her phone vibrating against the nightstand. As she answers, she focuses on the display on her iPad. She had managed not to wake Noah.

Without looking at the screen she answers. "Benson."

"Liv? Were you asleep?"

Exhaling, she looks over at the clock. 11:52pm. "I had just woken up. What's going on?" Her voice is a little shaky but with every passing moment her heart is slowing down.

"Nothing."

She closes her eyes, pulling herself together. "Elliot, it's almost midnight. You didn't call me just for nothing. What's up?"

Elliot is silent not really knowing what to say. "I just wanted to hear your voice. That's all."

Olivia grips the phone tight against her ear and sinks back into the bed, her hair fanning across her pillow. She's safe. William Lewis is dead. Elliot is on the phone. "It's good to hear your voice too."

"Are you ok?"

She stalls a little too long. "I'm fine."

"Liv?"

"I'm fine El."

"You know if you're not fine that's ok too."

She smiles just a little, hearing the slightest bit of amusement in his voice. "Yes I know that's ok."

"So I have a confession."

Olivia rolls on her side, snuggling into the phone. "And what's that?"

"I ended things with Pippa."

Her breath hitches and she clears her throat trying to find her voice. "Oh wow. Umm I'm sorry to hear that."

"Are you?" he asks instantly. "Are you really sorry that her and I aren't seeing each other anymore?"

He has her there. "If you were happy with her and you're not anymore then yes I am sorry about that."

"She's a nice girl but it wasn't right to be with her when I have feelings for someone else."

Her eyes screw shut. Not right now. She can't deal with this right now after getting into it with Dodds, her argument with Ed and the nightmare with Lewis. "El-"

"I know. It's late and I wasn't trying to….I just wanted you to know."

Sighing in relief, she scoots back into the bed trying to get more comfortable. "Ok."

"So," she hears him shifting in the background presumably getting relaxed as well. "What are you doing awake? It's late."

For a moment she considers telling him about the nightmare but decides not to. "You know I've always been a night owl."

The lie flows easily and she's almost sure he doesn't believe it but he knows her well enough to know not to delve further right now.

"Why are _you_ awake?" she asks him.

"I'm a bit of a night owl too."

She huffs and rolls her eyes. "Ok if you say so. Is Pippa ok?"

"Yeah she was perfectly fine. She wasn't surprised." He says it so nonchalantly that it gives her some relief. If there's one thing she knows that Elliot can't handle hurting someone's feelings. If Pippa weren't taking it well he would be in a much different mood.

"So..you're telling me I don't have some uncomfortable days ahead at work then?"

"Oh no you probably do," he jokes and she actually laughs. It felt good to laugh.

"Well thanks for that."

They are silent again and she can feel him holding back on not asking her about her night with Ed.

"We went to dinner, we discussed the situation and then he dropped me off. That's it."

He sighs audibly and she hopes and prays he doesn't push it.

"Ok."

"He admitted that he brought me up during your resignation," she adds closing her eyes at the memory. "He feels justified in it but I don't agree. That's all I will say right now."

Everything else about his role in her life and their disagreement about Elliot holding her back is too deep of a conversation for tonight.

"Ok," he says again and there's more silence.

Watching Noah on the screen and listening to Elliot's soft breaths on the phone gives her a sense of contentment that she can't quite explain. But she doesn't want to. Instead she wants to wrap herself in it and fall blissfully asleep.

"So tell me about your day. You don't have to go into detail about the Pippa stuff. Talk to me about something," she yawns. "Anything."

"Well. I went to the gym and boxed a few rounds."

"Ok this will certainly put me to sleep," she smiles, her eyes already fluttering closed.

"You're hilarious when you're half asleep," he responds and she can hear the exhaustion seeping into his voice.

"Just keep talking."

And he does. Elliot talks about the kids and their latest antics. She laughs quietly and adds a story or two about Noah. They both talk until Olivia finally falls asleep, the phone still planted firmly to her ear.

The last thing she registers in her subconscious before she falls into a deep sleep is him whispering, "Goodnight Liv."


	11. Chapter 11

Author's Note: Sorry for the delay folks but thank you so much for sticking with this story. I know that some of you are anxious for Olivia to make a decision but I want to stress this story isn't just about Olivia's romantic life but Olivia getting herself together as well. So that may take some time. I appreciate you guys hanging in there with what some may thing is a "slow" place to the story but some things take time. Thanks for all of the reviews! Please continue to leave them and I will try and update sooner this time I promise.

* * *

The next two days go by in a blur. There was finally a break in the case and Pippa was able to finally file charges against their suspect. Managing to keep their focus solely on work, her and Pippa managed to co-exist, in the presence of her detectives, never alone long enough to bring up Elliot. And thank goodness for that. Impressed by Pippa's professionalism she almost felt guilty when text messages from Elliot came in while they were discussing the case in her office. When text messages came in from Ed, she felt indifferent. Uncomfortable. Not sure what if anything to say.

 _Can we talk?_

 _Can I meet you for dinner?_

Olivia was turning him down left and right. She really was busy with the case and she just didn't have the strength or the bandwidth to juggle the two men in her life. Trying not to think about how she became this person, her phone goes off again and she immediately rolls her eyes. However, this notification wasn't the usual reminder of the mess of her 'love-life'. It was instead the reminder of something far more important.

In a hurry, she grabs her black purse, blue eye glasses and hurries out of the door. "I'll be back in about an hour Fin, hold down the fort," she hollers over her shoulder scurrying toward the elevator.

A facetime session with Lucy while she walks to her car in the parking garage to check on Noah and a quick call from Dodds who is out in the field and she's finally on her way.

Her phone rings again and this time it's not work. Olivia presses the small button to the bluetooth on her ear and takes the call. "Benson."

"Hey I finally caught you," Ed rasps on the other line. His voice is shaky and uncertain. The first time they've spoken since she got out of his car the other night.

"Yes. You caught me," she mutters noncommittally. It's not until she's actually talking to him that she realizes how much she doesn't want to. It highlights a trait about herself that she's always despised. When she's done she's done. And she feels like she's not giving him a fair shot.

He made a mistake. Haven't they all in some form or another? She definitely wasn't squeaky clean in the situation considering her two lip locking sessions with her former partner. Making a permanent decision on temporary feelings wasn't the route she wanted to go either.

Time, that would help.

Her head was fuzzy and she just needed time to figure everything out. If she ended it completely with him right now she was concerned that once she gained clarity she would regret it. But the bigger part of her, the more rational part that was in tune with all things Olivia let her know that they would probably not get past this.

"You sound like you are in the car," Ed states the obvious and she can hear him moving around on the other end of the line. Probably walking. "Headed out on a case?"

"No, I have an appointment." She kept it brief.

Awkward silence ensues and she takes a right turn, a few minutes away from her destination.

"Can we get together and talk later? I think we need to talk about the other night."

Stopped at a red light, Olivia leans her elbow on the door her left hand squeezing her forehead. "I don't know if that's a good idea. I'm just not up for talking right now."

"I know you think my actions weren't warranted-"

"And you think they were?" Here it goes again. "Ed you've done a lot over the years but this time you actually cost him his career. It's one thing to give us a hard time but Elliot could've still been on the force. I know you had it in for him but if you did this because you were harboring some crush on me I just-"

"You think that's why i did it? I was looking out for you," his voice more forceful than before.

"Looking out for me? We didn't even get along! We weren't friends. I didn't need you to-," she stops herself when she starts getting too worked up. "Look we can't talk about this. It's clear that you aren't going to change your point of view and neither will I. We're just at an impasse."

"Yeah," he gruffed. "I guess we are."

They sat in silence for a few seconds that felt like minutes. There really was nothing left to say.

"Maybe we just-"

"Olivia don't. You're still mad and I get it," Ed cut her off. "Don't make a rash decision while you are still mad at me and while _people_ ," he emphasized the word with sarcasm, "being back in your life may be confusing you."

"This isn't about him," she assures him but wasn't sure how true that was.

"Are you sure? Can you really say that?"

No. She couldn't.

His actions independent of Elliot were deplorable. Using the excuse of caring about her or looking out for her was just that. An excuse. But she wasn't sure that if Elliot wasn't still in the picture that she would be so eager to end this with him.

"I'm at the office. I have to go," she says, not answering his question.

He lets out a frustrated sigh. "Ok. Can we talk later?"

"We can talk tomorrow. Bye."

Pressing the end button on the phone, she looks at the time on the display. 10:50 am. Ten minutes to spare. Her car eases into a parking spot on the curb a block away from her destination and she takes a moment to breathe.

Breathe.

It doesn't happen often. Her taking these little moments for herself but it's something that she's promised herself she would begin to do. Start to do things for herself. Breathing was just the beginning. As the clock strikes 10:55 she turns off the engine, unlocks the door and walks towards the building she had visited at one point a lot two years ago, but only sporadically as of late. This too will change.

Approaching the front desk, she gives a tight smile to an older lady with dirty blonde hair who had just checked in.

The receptionist greets her, knowing her all too well thanks to news footage and the frequent visits some time ago.

"Lieutenant Benson, just sign right there. Dr. Lindstrom will see you shortly."

* * *

Elliot hangs up the phone, holding it to his temple for just a moment longer while he deliberates. His next assignment had come in. Denver for two months. He told them he would think about it. Having the option to pass was a luxury that he made sure was built in when he initially took the job with the US Marshals. Everything that's going on around him right now tells him it's the wrong time to leave. Especially when he just got back into Olivia's life. He will probably tell them no since income is not an issue. Living a rather low maintenance lifestyle with most of his kids off the payroll has its advantages.

He sets the phone down on the small dining table and walks in the kitchen to get a bottle of water. Pacing back and forth, letting the cold liquid slide down his throat as he ponders his next move. They've talked here and there over the past few days but he knows she's taking the time she needs to figure everything out.

Over the years he's kept his distance when he shouldn't have. So if there's one thing he can give her is time. No one deserves it more than her. To live the life she wants to live and make the decisions she wants to make. The choice is simple for him, he will always choose her. No matter who is in the picture. No matter what is going on.

Years ago he should've made that choice when his marriage was over but he cowered down to a sense of duty and responsibility. His feelings hadn't been the most obvious to her and he fully understands why. He rubs his head again, the beginning of a headache looming. There's a college basketball game on television so he sits down, grabbing a bottle of aspirin and pops two into his mouth washing it down with the rest of his water.

It's an hour later and he's half asleep when he hears fainti knocks on his door. His kids usually knock twice and announced they were opening the door until lately when Maureen made it a point to say she wouldn't use her key again since she knew he was dating. "Who is it?"

"El, it's me," he hears the voice say and he stops in his tracks. Olivia. In a slight panic, he starts to look around the apartment making sure it's in good condition for company. Everything is in its place for the most part, no clothes or anything hanging out. All of Eli's toys are in his room. The only thing on the table is the remote control, his bottle of water and a few of Elizabeth's magazines.

"El?"

"I'm coming. One sec."

Elliot takes a deep breath, wiping his suddenly sweaty palms on his black sweatpants. Thankfully his headache has mostly subsided, the pain now morphing into nervousness.

When he opens the door, her back is turned as if she was about to walk away. "Hey, hey sorry it took so long."

Olivia jerks her head up and straightens her purse up on her shoulder. "Is it a bad time? I'm sorry I just kind of showed up."

"No no," he moves away from the door to create enough space so she can walk in. "Come in please."

Her arm clutches her purse a little tighter and she finally walks in. He catches her looking around assessing the place, nodding her head in approval. "This is nice."

He shrugs in response. "It's home." This apartment felt more like home to him than anywhere he had been awhile. The place he rented after his first separation was cold and empty, the boxes never fully unpacked. When he went back to Queens when he and Kathy reconciled, it still didn't feel like where he belonged. Far removed for too long, he felt like a visitor and in essence he was. His stay was much more brief than either of them had anticipated.

"Can I get you something to drink?" he offers pointing towards the sofa for her to sit.

"No that's okay I can't really stay long I just-." Clearly uncomfortable, she takes turns fidgeting between her phone and her jacket. "I just came from somewhere and I guess I just wanted to talk."

His arms fold across his chest and he takes in her appearance, thankful that after all these years he can still read her body language to an extent. She's nervous and contemplative.

"Ok, let's talk."

Once again he walks over to the sofa hoping it will signal her to sit down and get comfortable enough to talk about whatever is bothering her. At last, she takes the invite and sits down, her hands crossed on her lap.

"I bet you are wondering how I knew where you lived," she begins.

Elliot shrugs it off. "You're a cop. It's not too hard to figure out."

"Guess I could've done that awhile ago." Olivia tucks her hair behind her ear and his chest tightens just a bit.

"We both could have," he assures her and she gives him a tight smile. They could've reunited years ago, the tools accessible to find each other had they put in the extra effort. Obviously him more so than her.

"So why didn't you?" she asks softly.

His chest deflates, an exhale escaping.

"I'm sorry I just need to know...more."

They sit side by side on the sofa, his left leg barely brushing against hers. There has been an explanation as to why he stayed away but maybe not a full reasoning. It's still hard for him to put into words sometimes. "I didn't try more because there's a part of me that thought you would be better off without me. I always felt like I brought you down Liv. You were always fixing my damn problems," he explains shaking his head back and forth as if he's willing the memories out of his head. They've talked about this before but he feels like he owes her more. Something that will make her truly understand why he felt he had to stay away. "And then what Tucker said just reinforced that. I felt like I had already ruined my kids lives to an extent. Always working and never being around for them. Kathy resented me. I was not going to bring your life down anymore. You are the last person that deserves that. I know if I would've picked up the phone somehow you would've talked me into coming back."

"You could've just let me know you were okay," she counters and takes off her jacket. It officially feels like they are having the same conversation again.

All of a sudden it feels stifling in his apartment. Like there's too much between them and too much left unsaid. He stands up and begins to pace back and forth near the sofa. Her eyes follow his every move.

"Liv, you don't know what it feels like to think that you literally ruin everything and everyone you love." The words he's said to his therapist years ago begin to flow from him. He owes her that. Years and years of not talking, not opening up. He owes her as much of the truth as she's willing to hear. "That was my reason for staying away and after Lewis, once I finally found out I knew you were with Cassidy. I found out you were okay and I made myself stay away because I didn't want to mess up anything. I don't know I guess I just feel like you and me were a landmine sometimes. When we were on we were great but when we weren't…it was rough. I didn't want you to have anymore stress."

As he talks and paces, he takes a moment to look over at her making sure she's taking it all in. Their relationship is so different now. Over a decade of partnership and they haven't talked as much as they do now. A part of it makes him feel uneasy but he also knows that something has to be different now if he wants to keep her in his life.

Olivia picks at a piece of invisible lint on her pants and remains still as he talks. Her stare darts back and forth between him and concentrating on the remote on his table. But she's still there. Still taking it all in.

"After Lewis I was in a bad way and I just wanted to change everything around me. It's why I moved..and in with Brian. In hindsight maybe that wasn't the best idea all things considering." She blows out a puff of air and shakes her head as if she's had some type of revelation.

"I didn't know how I fit into all of that and I just needed to know you were okay and that he was out of dodge. The kids wanted to reach out to you when they heard about Lewis, Kathleen especially. I talked them out of it. Told them they needed to give you space."

That news has a more visible reaction from her. "They wanted to see you Liv. We all did," he walks back to the sofa and sits down. "Maybe it wasn't the right decision, I don't know. There wasn't a day that I didn't stop thinking about you and I told myself that I would reach out to you again one day."

"And what happened?" Their eyes meet and he can see the hurt there. Fresh and renewed. The disappointment. Not different than what he saw the day the stars aligned and they ran into each other in the restaurant.

"The more time passed the more I just thought it was too late. Like what would we say? Your life was different, my life was different and I just didn't want to disrupt anything. Shit," he curses frustrated. There is no good way to explain it that will get her to understand so he digs down deep and pulls out the one thing he knows about himself as self deprecating as it may be. "I'm a selfish bastard that can't communicate half the time. I bottle it up, then I lash out in anger and it ends up hurting everyone around me. You had gone through enough hurt for a lifetime. Your mom and how she treated you, Seal-," he stops himself before he mentions the name of the prison. Another time when he believed he wasn't there for her and should've been. There was more that happened and she never told him, he also never asked. Afraid once again of what he might do. "You just hurt enough and I felt like it was easier to sit still and do nothing than open my mouth, invade your life and fuck it all up."

It almost feels like too much. Telling her the things he never wanted to admit to himself.

Olivia is quiet. Still distractedly picking at the lent on her slacks before he hears her whisper.

"But I loved you anyway."

The words are so faint he almost thinks he didn't hear them. _Did she just say she loved him?_

His head jerks to the side and he sees her swiping away at tears.

"Liv," he reaches for her hand and she gently pulls it away. There's no anger behind the rejection but he suspects she just needs the space. In what he's trying so hard to learn to do, he gives it to her. "When I talked to Ed he said some of the things you just did and so did I. When I was the most mad I wanted to believe that you left me and I just had to start so much from scratch. That I could've been dating and married if I hadn't been pining away for you. And when I was really pissed," she chuckled bitterly. "I let myself believe that you never cared about me and you got off on the fact that I was holding out for you."

Elliot sits perfectly still. Not making a single move because he doesn't want her to stop talking. One reason is because he wants to know about the conversation with Tucker. The other because she just told him she loved him. It's killing him to know if she still does.

"Ed felt like he was saving me from you because you would hurt my career and I told him he was wrong. That I didn't need to be saved from you. That in a lot of ways you saved me."

He swallows and pivots his body to face her completely. "Then you lied to him."

"What?" she asks in confusion.

"Then you lied to him. I never saved you Olivia. You saved me. You saved yourself."

Perplexed, her eyebrows raise and he reaches for her hand again. "Don't you get it? My marriage, my kids, shit. Even my job. I wouldn't have had any of that if it wasn't for you. You saved my sorry ass more times than I can remember. When did I ever save you? You always saved yourself. And that is the reason I stayed away. For once, I needed to save my damn self."

* * *

The words wash over her and through her in waves. His apartment seems so quiet. Soundless. There are faint noises outside his door, his neighbors hauling groceries inside and arguing over who needs to put the key in the door. It's the middle of the afternoon and instead of being at work, somehow she ended up here. After her appointment with Dr. Lindstrom where she was talking so fast he had to tell her to slow down, Elliot's place was the first place she felt like she needed to go.

His name had come up several times in their sessions a few years ago right after Lewis but she immediately tried to downplay the relationship.

Today, when she admitted to not only her budding and now fledgling relationship with a colleague, (no names mentioned), she admitted that Elliot was back in her life. The look on Dr. Lindstrom's face was the look she expected from anyone she happened to mention his return to which as of yet had been no one.

 _Shit, why didn't she have more friends? Where the hell was Barba?_

This is a conversation she feels like she should've talked over with someone before she had one of the rookie officers pull up Elliot's address under the guise of a case and show up at his front door emotionally exposed.

"Liv?"

"Yeah," she answers weakly. "Do you understand? Please tell me you do. Or if you don't we can talk through it some more."

The sincere look in his eyes is enough to almost weaken her to the core. He's never been one to wear his emotions on his sleeve like she feels she has even though he claims to not always notice. He's opening the door and she's not sure if she should walk through it.

"I get it. I just wish we hadn't-I don't know. I just wish we would've talked more and you didn't shut me out that's all," she blows it off but it's more than that. The comfort of feeling safe is something she misses more than anything. If he didn't give her anything else, he always gave her that.

"And I'm sorry. Shit now that we are talking again I don't know what I would do if-I mean it's your decision but I want to be in your life. If you want to be. Whatever, however you want."

If only it were that easy. Deep down, she feels like there's some price he should pay for everything. For it all. For the nights she spent crying and questioning everything about their partnership for the past twelve years. For Bernie Stabler's words about him cutting people out of his life running through her head.

"I just gotta figure some stuff out. There's a lot going on you know that. I came here because I just needed to get some more answers that's all."

Grabbing her purse she maneuvers to stand up. "I need to get back to the office."

Her phone hasn't rung, no emergencies quite but what she really needed to do was consider everything. Noah, her concerns as a mother, her own mother, the drinking and work it had all come up during her session. Although she was told to take it all one day at a time, she couldn't help the anxious feeling of needing to make some sort of mental checklist to get one thing resolved at a time.

She once read somewhere that you start with the easiest things first because it makes you feel more confident and empowered when it's accomplished to tackle more difficult ones. As difficult as things had been with her and Elliot at one point, out of everything dealing with him seemed like the easiest in her list. Already she had been cutting back on the drinking but the ghost of Serena Benson was looming heavy in her stream of conscience and she had many more therapy sessions to weed through that.

Elliot stands up anxiously and grabs her jacket holding on to it as if it could keep her there longer. They stand awkwardly for a few long seconds before he finally hands it to her. "Thanks for taking the time to talk."

"Anytime. I'm usually just hanging around here but even so you have my number."

His hand touches hers and in an instant she closes her hand in his. The newfound level to their relationship gives her a comfort she needs.

"Ok, I will probably call you later or something," she says nonchalantly. His index finger begins to caress the outside of her hand. She looks down at their hands interlocked and back up into him and there it is again.

That pull. That electricity.

His eyes move down to her lips and he slowly leans in. Finally, he gives her a long peck and opens his eyes to stare back at her to make sure he hasn't overstepped. She closes her eyes and kisses him back. The kisses go longer and longer and his tongue licks her lips.

Olivia opens her mouth and then they are lost to one another. She lowers herself back down on the sofa and he quickly follows. Her cell phone, purse and jacket fall on the floor beside her. Elliot cups her face as he places kisses on her cheek and neck. Everything is moving so fast and when she has a moment to open her eyes and take it all in, Elliot is taking off his shirt. The sight of his muscles ignites a fire inside of her and suddenly it doesn't matter how they got to this point, if it's right or wrong or about Ed. She just wants him.

Olivia peppers kisses on his chest and he begins to tug at her shirt, removing it from the lip of her pants. She can't catch her breath. Hovering over her, he lays her head on the arm of sofa. As he begins to unbutton her blouse, she kisses the top of his forehead, her leg caressing along the seam of his pants and she can feel him. His desire for her pressing firm against her thigh and she moans in response.

Elliot is undoing the last button when she looks down at him and their eyes meet. He's asking for permission. Her breasts are heaving over her black lace bra, her face flushed with desire.

Damn she wants him. Her voice doesn't work so she does the next best thing. She reaches down between them and rubs against him through his pants, giving him her approval to keep going.

"Shit," he curses at her touch. He's rock hard and she sees the bulge straining in his pants. He leans over, kissing the dip in her cleavage, sucking at her hard nipples through her bra. Olivia moans and arches into his touch, his kiss. His mouth is warm and she begins to grind against him. Dying to get him in between her legs.

Elliot moves his mouth back up to hers, his left hand squeezing her breast while his right travels down and cups her between her legs.

"Ahh," she cries out and their tongues intertwine. Reaching behind her, he helps to get her blouse off. He sucks on her neck, sure to leave a mark while she throws the shirt to the floor. Their pace is intense and she is focused on removing every piece of clothing between them. His hand is on the button of her slacks when there are two quick knocks on his door.

* * *

 _Fuck. This can't be happening not right now. Not when he's so close to-_

He hears the key and the door is opening.

"Hey Dad, I brought you-oh shit," Maureen stops immediately. Her eyes wide and mouth gaped open.

Olivia's eyes screwed shut in embarrassment and tries absently to feel for her shirt that is on the floor to cover herself up. Elliot hops up instantly throwing it on top of her and then reaches for his own.

"Maureen what the hell are you doing here? I thought you weren't going to use your key anymore," he says walking towards the door blocking her view while Olivia gets herself together.

"I'm sorry dad when you told me you and Pippa were on the rocks I didn't think I needed to-oh shit," Maureen curses again, her eyes wide as Olivia stands up and she finally gets a look at who the mystery woman was on the couch.

"Olivia?" she asks in disbelief.

"Hey," she throws up a weak wave and they are both blushing timidly. He feels like a teenager that just got caught making out on the couch.

"I'm sorry I umm-I uhh," Olivia picks up her jacket and phone nervously gathering her belongings.

Elliot holds his shirt in front of him as his erection finally settles down.

"Oh my god." Maureen quickly sets down the food she was carrying and pulls Olivia into a hug. She is clearly shell shocked but his daughter's affections towards her brings a smile to his face. "It's so good to see you. I was so worr-," she stops herself and pulls her into a hug again. "It's just good to see you."

"It's good to see you too. Look at you you're so grown up and beautiful," Olivia hugs her again and Elliot sees the emotion on her face. His kids were always close to her even though there were some rough patches with Dickie and Kathleen.

Elliot pulls his t-shirt back over his head as he shuts the door.

"I just brought dad some lunch, you should stay and eat with us," Maureen offers and starts pulling the sandwiches out of the bag. Olivia makes eye contact with him, silently begging him to help her out of this one. It was actually comical to see her so awkward considering the position they had just been caught in. As he opens his mouth to save her, her ringing phone does it instead.

"That's work," she holds up the phone to show Maureen and heads towards the door. "Another time ok?"

"Ok, I will hold you to that."

Instantly he feels a bit sorry for Olivia. If she think he's stubborn, his oldest daughter is a force to be reckoned with when she has her mind set on something.

"Ill see-I mean talk to you later," he mutters nervously when she's at the door.

"Ok," she responds barely making eye contact with him while rushing out. "Bye."

When the door shuts he feels Maureen's eyes staring a hole in his back but he can't deal with that right now. Olivia was here. Right here in his apartment and they almost-.

"Shit," he says aloud and scrubs his hand down his face. "Shit."

"What?" Maureen asks while he looks around for his shoes so he can run outside. There is one black Nike slipper but he can't find the other one. "Forget it."

Elliot barrels out of the door, down the stairs and catches her just as she makes it to her car door. "Liv," he yells out of breath.

"What's going on?"

"What you said back there. I didn't-"

 _Find your words Stabler. Now isn't the time to not be able to say what you need to say._

Olivia continues to stare at him in confusion and a bit irritated because she really does need to leave.

"I loved you too," he says approaching her. "I love you too," he stresses the present tense.

"El-," she starts.

"Shh," he places his hand over hers on the top of the car door. " I didn't say that for you to say it back. I said it because I wanted you to know. Because you should know. No matter what happens you need to know that."

Olivia smiles at him. It's both shy and appreciative. He'll take that. "Go ahead and get to work Lieutenant. We will talk later."

She nods her okay, gets into the car and drives off. Standing in the street, he watches her sedan disappear around the corner and exhales. He laid out everything he wanted to say, that he should've said years ago and couldn't. Now once again he just had to wait. Wait for her to decide what and who she really wanted. Either way, he wouldn't love her any less.


	12. Chapter 12

Elliot walks back up the stairs, ignoring his neighbors' bemused looks as he tries his best to dodge the debris on the ground. As he climbs the stairs he can't help but be a little proud of himself. He told her how he felt. How he _feels_.

Sure it was in the middle of the street while he was barefeet and after his daughter had just caught them in a compromising position but even though it wasn't worthy of a scene from a Nicholas Sparks novel, he was happy he did it.

As soon as he hits the threshold of his door, his daughter is waiting with her arms folded and an amused expression on her face.

"I don't want to hear it Mo," he hobbles to the chair looking down at his feet to see what he stepped on.

"Dad. Oh my god. That was Olivia. You and Olivia were making out on your couch," she shrieks with the enthusiasm of a teenager. Paying her no mind, he removes the penny from his foot and makes his way to the bathroom for a towel with Maureen hot on his heels.

"I mean it looks like you guys were about to-"

"Maureen!" he turns abruptly, instantly stopping her sentence.

She throws her hands up in surrender but the silence is short lived. "Sooooooooo….."

Elliot wipes off his feet, locates his slippers and walks back into the living room. "So about your key."

Grabbing the remote, he sits down on the sofa making himself comfortable and trying to look overly busy so he can ignore his nosey daughter. The basketball game has gone off, a soap opera on instead. Even he can't act interested in that.

"You told me you and Pippa had broken up. I can't be held accountable because you bounced back so quick. And bounced you did."

His stomach starts to growl, the aroma from the sandwiches she had brought over catching his attention. He begins to unwrap one still trying to avoid her questions but he makes the mistake of glancing over at her and his smile is inevitable.

Maureen is on the edge of her seat literally looking like a child who can't wait to open her Christmas presents.

Resigning himself to his fate, he chuckles and shakes his head. "What do you want to know?"

"What was she doing here? Are you guys together? She forgave you? Oh my god was this the first time you guys were-"

"Whoa whoa whoa," he puts his hand up to stop her and then takes a bite of the Turkey club. "Don't get beside yourself. I'm willing to divulge but I'm still your dad and there's only so much you and I are going to discuss."

"Ugh fine. So tell me what you can tell me." She wipes her hand on the napkin and listens intently.

Elliot blows out a deep breath, skimming his mind on what is and isn't appropriate to tell his child about his "love life."

"She wanted more of an explanation about why I was gone and why I didn't keep in touch. I was as honest with her as I could possibly be. I even told her how you guys wanted to reach out to her but I told you to give her some space."

Maureen's eyes cast down and he knows she's reliving one of the few disagreements they had about their contact, or lack thereof with Olivia. She takes another bite of her sandwich, and sips her soda as she listens to him talk.

"She told me about how she felt and I really think I got through to her. That she understands why I stayed away."

"Apparently," she replies sarcastically, quickly covering her mouth. "Sorry."

"Anyway and that was that."

Maureen throws her napkin onto the table, settling back into the chair opposite him and crosses her leg. "So what was that mad fifty yard dash about just then?"

The smile on his face gives him away but he doesn't divulge the details. "I just had something I forgot to tell her. That's all."

Maureen smiles back seeing the obvious happiness on his face. "Good for you dad."

"Thanks."

"She looks good. I don't know what I was expecting considering," her eyes cast down again in discomfort. "But either way she looks good. I can't wait to see her again."

Elliot chuckles, shaking his head in amusement. There was no use in trying to talk her out of it because he was sure that her mind was made up. If anything he just hoped that it wouldn't be too much for Olivia. His goal was not to overtake her life especially when he could tell that she was vulnerable. "Hey, do me a favor."

"What's that?" she asks removing the mustard from her lip.

"Just take it a little easy with her. She's got a lot going on between balancing her work and Noah and just everything. Ok? I don't want you and your sisters bombarding her."

"Us?" she held her hand to her chest in mock offense. "Would we ever do something like that?"

The obvious delight dancing in her eyes and he chuckles again.

"Maureen?"

"I hear you dad. Seriously. I won't bother her. I'll give her a little while. Test the waters a little bit you know? Don't you worry. I got this. So what's her phone number?"

Her confidence was hilarious. Elliot lays his head on the back of the sofa, his arm draped over his face. "Oh god."

"You may as well give it to me. I would hate to have to hack your contacts and get it."

His head lifts in disbelief, eyes squinting at her. "Hack my contacts? How would you manage that?"

"It's called iCloud. You know nothing about it but I'm the one who set up your phone remember? I know all the passwords so just make it easy on yourself."

Defeated, he lays back on the sofa again while Maureen goes through his phone programming Olivia's number into hers.

His mind starts to wander back to those moments before. Right here on this couch. It had all escalated so quickly. One minute he was looking into her eyes and the next-

Jolting up instantly, he scrubs his hand down his face trying to rid himself of the memory. The last thing he needs is for his body to react while his daughter was sitting across from him. Speaking of his daughter…

"Wait who are you calling?" he asks reaching for her phone when he hears it ringing but she dodges him and stands up. "I told you not to bother her right now."

"I'm not," she squeals and holds his hand back off her as he approaches. "Hey Katie."

Elliot exhales in relief momentarily while Maureen walks to the fridge and grabs a bottle of water and hands him a beer. "Here. Calm yourself a little."

Pulling the receiver back to her ear she continues to talk and Elliot pops the cap to the beer. "You will never guess what just happened. Dad was making out with Liv on the sofa. I walked in and caught them pawing at each other. Yep. That Liv."

He rolls his eyes at the exaggeration but maybe it wasn't an exaggeration after all. When she was beneath him as much as he had tried to maintain some control and revel in the moment, he felt his restraint slipping.

Elliot scoffs as he hears his daughters talk back and forth with Maureen eventually putting Kathleen on speaker. "Dad, give us details how long has this been going on? Are you guys together now?"

Maureen speaks up before he has a chance. "Oh please don't say those words or he gets all worked up. Despite the heavy makeout sesh it looks like they are taking it slow. Am I right?"

"Jesus when did I become a part of a teenage girl slumber party. Is this what you guys do? Sit around and break down every little detail?"

They both giggle and she slaps his knee. "Actually there would probably be nail polish, Ice cream and an alcoholic beverage or two involved."

He takes another swig of his beer shaking his head. "Okay well it was nice talking to you Kathleen."

"Nice talking to me? Ha," she blows him off and he can hear the shuffling in the background. "Mo how much longer are you going to be there?"

Maureen looks at her watch. "I can hang out for a bit. I don't have much else to do." The sound of her feet on his coffee table echo across the room and he swats them down.

"Perfect," Kathleen responds. "I'm going to grab some Ice cream and I'll be right over."

Maureen hangs up the phone and continues to eat her sandwich completely ignoring Elliot's prying eyes. "You two aren't serious."

"About what?" she asks innocently.

"Do you really think we are going to sit around, eat Ice cream and talk about my love life?"

"Do you want me to call her back and tell her to bring nail polish too because I thought you weren't into that sort of thing."

Elliot laughs again, a truly hearty laughter that was slowly starting to enter his life again. The affection for his children filling his heart. This relationship he had with them was like a new beginning in and of itself. Those years in SVU, the moments he missed. They were continuing to rediscover each other all over again. The past couple of years had been good to them but he still never took for granted any chance that they initiated spending time with him. There had been various moments that triggered impromptu get togethers but this time was something else.

More.

His kids had gone through their own grieving process over the years at the change in him and wanted to reach out to Olivia. Not only when he was in distress but when they heard she was as well. For all the dark times they endured over the years both separately and together, now Olivia had managed to bring joy not just back into his life but the lives of his children. In her own way she had managed to save him once again. By helping him to build the bridge that led him back to the ones that he loved most.

* * *

It should've been a crime really. No one that has been shot, stabbed, thrown through glass, knocked out and every other injury she could think of and middle aged should look as good as Elliot.

Damn.

Every edge and contour of his chiseled chest was embedded in her memory. The imprint of his fingertips still burned hot on her skin. Her face flushed red, a mist of perspiration lining her brow. Her drive back to the 1-6 was marred with feelings that traveled through every inch of her body radiating to her core so much so that she had to clench her thighs a few times to stop the ache.

It all happened so fast. She hadn't meant to come over there and for anything to happen other than to get answers. Her therapy session had put more on her mind as if she wasn't already on overload. Her brain close to short circuiting.

Then he said those words.

 _He loved her._

 _Correction. He loves her._

The feeling wasn't completely surprising if she was being truly honest with herself, but the declaration certainly was. Elliot was always a man of few words. Brooding. Introverted. Qualities not unlike her own even though she manifested it differently.

To actually hear the words mixed with his overt physical desire for her was staggering. Paralyzing.

It was a fog when she needed to see clearly.

An obstacle when she needed to dart straight through the course.

No matter how good he made her feel she had to keep her focus. There was one decision she had made. Elliot would continue to be in her life. It's in what capacity that was the question. And not one that needed an immediate answer.

Dr. Lindstrom's words echo in her head.

 _It's okay to put yourself and your well being first. That doesn't make you a horrible mother. You can't be a good mother, a good squad leader or a good anything to anybody if you aren't good to yourself._

Having sex with Elliot would be good. Damn good. Every fiber of her being told her that. Now and even years ago when she didn't have the right to think about it she couldn't help the fantasies that crept in more often than not.

But taking that step now may do more harm than good. And she was still dating someone else. Or something like that. The whole situation with Ed was in the air as well.

Pulling into her assigned parking spot, she rests her hand against her forehead and exhales.

Why did he have to have such an effect on her? Mentally and physically. She had been so wet for him. So ready. So vulnerable.

Her body awakened in a way it hadn't been in years. The opportunity was there with Ed but it was obvious to her that she didn't have the level of physical attraction to him she has with Elliot. There was something there otherwise she wouldn't have continued to see him. The companionship and stability that he offered something she needed in the wake of losing the people close to her and-

Shit. Now she was comparing them. As if the situation couldn't get any more uncomfortable and bizarre.

She opens the door and works to clear her head as she walks into the building. The second she got off the elevator she was met by Dodds.

"Hey we just had a call come in. I just sent Rollins and Carisi on it."

Olivia looks down at her phone as he follows her into her office. "Why didn't I get a call? And what was it?"

"It came directly to me," he answers and she stops in her tracks awaiting a further explanation. "I was already on a call with one of the guys from the 2-7 about something else, the crime was reported by one of their officers and-look anyway it was a rape and possible burglary. No forced entry. There are two other roommates who we can't find at the moment."

She begins to walk again ignoring the tension between them. Working with the son of the Deputy Chief was something she was still trying to get used to and Dodds impending retirement made her feel a little better that maybe he wasn't stacking information against her.

"So we have the name and descriptions of the roommates I assume?"

"Yes they should be calling me back with the details anytime now," he looks down at his phone that begins to vibrate.

"Put it on speaker," she commands.

"Hey Rollins I'm here with the Lieutenant. What we got?"

Rollins runs off the details. 22 year old victim Pilar Sandoval raped and strangled. The perps tried to make it look like a robbery but it's clear that it wasn't. Something they've seen a million times. Inside job no doubt. "Let me guess. Both roommates in the wind?"

"Well no not exactly. One of them 21 year old Mia Rodriguez works at a cleaners and up until an hour ago she was actually there. The other one Stassi Kimball. No sign of her."

"Ok you guys finish up there. Dodds, you and Fin go check out where Rodriguez works. I'll stay here and dig up what I can on Kimball."

Dodds gives her a strange look for a brief second but nods his head in compliance. Hanging up his phone, he's at the threshold of her door when he turns around and watches her for a moment.

Olivia looks at him over the top of her glasses. "Everything ok?"

"Yeah," he stumbles for a bit. "Is everything ok with you? I mean you know that call coming in to me was no big deal it was a coincidence really."

She shrugs. "No I get it. Something else bothering you?"

His posture is a little more stiff than usual. "It's just that usually you are ready to get right out there with us. Just a little shocked you are hanging back that's all."

In the midst of everything she hadn't really noticed the change. Due to being short staffed she had been in the field way more than Cragen but then again before Nick left and she was fully staffed she still preferred to be out there in the thick of things. That's what she was used to. Today she wanted to sit back and delegate for a change. She was just as useful there behind the desk as she would've been out there. Her squad was more than capable of handling whatever they needed to.

"It's called delegation. Hey, I had to learn it sometime right?"

Dodds gives her an understanding smile and heads out.

Before she gets started running names through VICAP and doing the research she's

done a million times before she picks up her phone to make a very important call.

It rings twice before she hears a voice on the other end. "Hey Lucy. What are the the two of you up to?"

Noah is babbling in the background and she can hear what sounds like blocks toppling over. Her living room is constantly covered with them and she snickers to herself hearing what she assumes is Lucy bending down to pick them up. "He's playing with his favorite blocks and we just finished going through his book of words. He's getting really good at identifying everything."

Olivia's mouth is in a thin line and she swallows back a drop of disappointment. It's something that the teachers at his daycare and Lucy has been working with him on. She's had time once or twice to help him but once again her schedule got in the way.

"That's really good to hear," she answers simply and ignores the little piece of guilt that threatens to creep up. "Can I talk to him for a second?"

"Sure, hold on. Here's mommy."

After a second she hears Noah shuffling around with the phone. "Hi sweetie."

"Hi Mommy. I play with blocks," he says excitedly.

"I heard. I miss you. Are you being a good boy for Lucy?"

"Yep!"

She giggles at his quick answer which usually means the opposite. "Ok well Mommy will be home later okay?"

"Ooookayyyyy," he drags out.

"I love you. Be good."

"I love you. Be good," he parrots her and she laughs again. Despite her fears about being a bad parent these are the times she needs to just breathe and give herself a break. He's healthy. He's happy. He's thriving. And in Eliot's words that bring a smile to her face, he's alive. It's all ok.

An hour later, Olivia is deep into pulling everything she can on the suspects and thinks she finds something interesting when her phone rings.

"Benson."

"That's the only greeting I get? Thought you missed me."

Laughing, she removes her glasses setting them down on her desk. Leaning back in her chair and crossing her legs, she switches the phone to the other ear and gets comfortable. "Barba. Just where the hell have you been?"

* * *

Author's Note: Barba's here! And thanks again to everyone for all of the kind words in the reviews. Means a lot.


	13. Chapter 13

The next day, Mia Rodriguez was found at a friend's house a mile away from the cleaners. Fin and Rollins questioned her for hours with Olivia watching the interrogation. Mia revealed that she and Stassi had dated at one point and broke up because of her relationship with Pilar. Pilar moved in with them and she and Mia became involved behind Stassi's back but recently decided to be In a relationship. Stassi was still unaccounted for and Mia had an alibi for the crime.

"This is a mess," Olivia comments turning down the volume to the interrogation room.

"Lesbian love triangle," Barba shakes his head. "The press is going to have a field day with this one. So we really think Mia had nothing to do with it?"

"Look at her she's completely distraught," she says sitting down at her desk. "My gut tells me no."

Carisi and Rollins walk in from interrogation with a folder on Stassi's background. "Crazy hunh?" Amanda says handing the folder to Olivia who puts her glasses on to read. "Stassi Kimball born in Louisiana, a few priors for simple assault. Nothing big."

"So what are we thinking? Stassi hired someone to do this?" Barba asks.

"Apparently she has some sheisty connections to a gang here locally. Mia says there were some guys in and out the house a lot and her and Pilar were thinking about moving into their own place," Rollins reports.

"I should hope so," Barba replies with his usual sass. "Can she identify any of these men?"

Carisi nods.

"So we have nothing basically?" He asks and everyone looks at him apologetically. "Welcome back indeed."

Olivia instructs the team to keep looking for Stassi and have Mia work with a sketch artist. There was no DNA at the crime scene and the fingerprints could be explained away if the men were in the house on a regular basis.

"Never gets easier does it," Barba remarks looking at the crime scene photos. "This was brutal. They ripped this woman apart. All possibly because of a stupid love triangle. How hard can it be to just make a damn decision about who you want to be with?"

Olivia stills for a second and it doesn't go unnoticed.

"You ok?"

She takes the glasses from her head, her bottom lip sucked in while she thinks over what to say. It's only been a couple of weeks since she's seen him and so much has changed since then.

"Yeah," she sighs.

"Come on," he puts the folder in his briefcase and grabs the brown jacket that perfectly matches his slacks and suspenders. Always dressed to perfection.

"Where are we going?"

"Let's go grab a quick drink. Usual spot. By the time we get back they should be done with the sketch artist."

"And Mia?"

Looking over to the distraught woman he answers, "Cut her loose. She has an alibi. We can't hold her."

Olivia exhales and sits back in the chair, her fingers interlocking behind her head.

"Umm did you hear me? Let's get out of here."

"You saw this. This case is all over the place. Now's not the time to leave."

"That's actually what makes it a perfect time. Come on."

Barba starts to walk out ahead of her and she smiles as silhouette disappears towards the elevators. He doesn't know her more than anyone else but he knows her well enough to know that she will follow. And she does.

Twenty minutes later, they are sitting at Barba's favorite bar where he orders his usual. Bourbon on the rocks.

"And what will you have Miss?" The bartender asks placing a napkin in front of her.

"Just water for now."

Barba's eyebrow flies up. Bemused, he sets his cup down and watches her closely. "Water? After what we just heard in there today? I would think you wanted something a little stronger."

She shrugs off his statement.

The bartender places a small tumbler of water in front of her. "Thanks."

Barba's eyes bore a hole into her profile but she keeps her eyes straight. Trying to focus on anything but him.

Talking about her problems is never easy for her. It was even hard for her to open up when she sought therapy. After awhile she got used to spending an hour three times a week in the comfortable chair in Dr. Lindstroms office, spouting off any and everything that happened to be on her mind that day. Thankfully he guided the discussion to focus on one issue at a time

For as much as she and Barba got together they didn't talk about much that was personal. The conversation revolved around cases and the fallout surrounding them. But tonight, she wanted to talk to him on a different level.

Staring down at her fingers, she finally spoke up. "Do you think I drink too much?"

His mouth freezes on his glass for a fraction of a second, but he quickly recovers. "Do _you_ think you drink too much?"

She shrugs, turning her body slightly to meet his eyes. "Sometimes. I don't know."

He nods but doesn't say anything else. She waits for him to ask why? Or ask anything but there's something in his silence that she can't quite read. It pushes her to talk more.

"I've been seeing Tucker."

Barba sputters into his glass and she can't help but laugh at his reaction.

"Wow. As in Ed Tucker from IAB?"

"Yeah," she sighs taking a drink of her water.

"As in Ed Tucker from IAB who has gone after pretty much every member of your squad including you. That Ed Tucker," he says more pointedly. The disbelief sprawled across his face.

"As in Ed Tucker-"

"Yes," she rolls her eyes. "That Ed Tucker."

Maybe this was a mistake. They weren't going to be able to talk about this and he remain objective.

"Ok yeah," he lifts the glass of brown liquid to his lips again. "I do think you drink too much."

Her head jerks to look at him in shock and disbelief and she sees the small smile dancing on the edge of his lips. "You sonofabitch."

Barba snickers, draining the rest of his drink and sets the glass down on the wooden bar. He motions to the bartender again. "I'm going to need another drink if you are not only going to talk to me about something personal but something personal with Ed Tucker."

Olivia exhales in relief. He was joking around with her so that was a good sign. Ed was never going to win any popularity contests with anyone she worked with, the result of a long and complicated history that she tried to ignore but was staring her in the face the more people she confided in.

"So what's the deal? Trouble in paradise?"

"Well-"

"Wait. How long has this been going on?" he asks stopping her in her tracks, pivoting his body completely to face her.

"A couple of months."

"A couple of months?" he repeats. "How have you managed to keep this a secret?"

She shrugs again. "How does anyone keep anything secret I guess? We just kept everything at work very professional."

He grows quiet again and she can see the wheels in his head turning. Not around for much of her and Ed's tumultuous past, his strong reaction makes things even more clear.

"That's not even the worst part I guess," she gets the bartender's attention and orders a sweet tea. "My old partner is back in town too. He was dating Pippa and then I ran into them when they were meeting for a date and now we have...reconnected I guess."

"Reconnected?"

Checking her phone to make sure she hasn't missed any messages, she continues. "Reconnected as in his daughter walked in on us about to have sex."

Barba scoffs and shakes his head. He knew of Elliot. A few rumors in the DA's office and moreso during Lewis' trial when he used it to taunt her on the witness stand. "Only you would decide to go sober at a time like this. I don't see how you are doing it."

It's meant as a joke. It's obvious by his tone that she has been able to read over the few years they've known each other but it's a serious matter to her. All things considering.

"I don't see how either but I need to. I need to show myself that I'm not relying on drinks to dull anything I don't need to feel completely."

"Liv I didn't mea-"

"No," she puts up her hand to stop him. "I know you didn't mean anything by it. It's just important to me because of reasons," she doesn't elaborate. They've never talked about Serena and she doesn't think they ever will. He knows there is more to the story but doesn't push her on it and she respects that.

"Ok so dating Tucker, almost sleeping with your old partner and worried about possible but not probable alcoholism. Anything else I miss while I was out?"

That earns a hearty laugh from her. "Nope that about covers it."

"Well I guess I don't have to tell you about all the conflicts of interest or issues that could come of you dating a Captain in IAB. I assume you two haven't disclosed."

She gives him a knowing look.

"Ok then. And there is also the small detail of him being your ex-boyfriend's boss," he reminds her and she rolls her eyes.

"Ex-boss. Brian doesn't work in IAB anymore."

"Well yeah but still. I'm assuming Brian doesn't know...or anyone?"

"Elliot knows."

"Well of course," he replies. "And he's dating Pippa."

"Used to date," she corrects him holding up her index finger. "He broke it off with her."

Barba laughs and shakes his head in amusement while sipping from his glass. "Damn. You definitely keep things interesting. I'll say that." They sit in silence for a few seconds before he speaks up. "So I'm guessing since you almost slept with Elliot that things aren't working out so well with you and Tucker."

That's the understatement of the year.

"Something like that. It's all just a mess I guess."

"You guess?" he challengers her. "You told me yourself that Tucker had it in for you and him back in the day. If they meet up or something that could be a disaster."

"There's no reason they would," she convinces herself. _Would they? No. There's no reason the two of them would have to cross paths._

They continue to talk for the next hour about her concerns with balancing the squad and motherhood. He listens intently, the appreciation for her opening up something about herself written all over his face. Their friendship was valuable to him, a camaraderie that grew over the years and solidified during the Lewis trial. At one point she had been scared to death that Lewis would get off yet again but it was Barba who was able to finally put him away.

"So what's your advice?" she asks checking the time again knowing she has to get back to the station house soon.

"My advice. You don't need advice from me. I think you know what you need to do. You're a smart cookie."

Olivia presses her lips together, obviously not satisfied with his advice. "After everything I've laid on you tonight that's all you have for me."

"Honestly. I don't know how you've done it for as long as you have with everything you have on your shoulders. And then I just remember you are you. You've survived much worse and you always pull through," he says the words so simply as if it's nothing but it means everything to her. "If you were an alcoholic or something you would know. If it makes you uncomfortable to drink right now then don't but it doesn't mean you can't have a glass of wine or two to unwind. Hell with our jobs it's damn near a prerequisite," he jokes.

"Yeah," she mutters beginning to collect her belongings.

"As far as Noah and everything you are doing fine there too. He's a happy kid. Do you really think he's better off in the orphanage than with you? I don't have kids so I can't give you much advice on that."

"Elliot says I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself and that every parent feels like a failure at some point. That it's normal," she explains. Tucking her hair behind her ear, she crosses her leg at the ankle thinking back to their conversation in the car.

"Sounds like he gave you some good advice," he assures her. "What did Ed say?"

Olivia looks guilty for a moment and begins to fidget with her phone again. "I haven't talked to him about it."

"Why not?"

There were a ton of reasons. It had actually never dawned on her to confide her vulnerabilities and concerns to him although he was the main person that endured the consequences of them it seemed. He was with her all those nights in the bar when she drowned her stress a little too much in glasses of wine.

Ed was the only person outside of work that she had been spending time with but still he knew nothing about the turmoil that lay beneath the surface. He assumed it was all about her PTSD and in a lot of ways it was. But some of it was just life and how it tied in with her recovery or lack thereof.

"I just haven't I guess. Didn't want to kill the mood," she simplifies the reasoning. "I just needed the escape and to have fun with someone without all of the real life creeping in."

"So that's what it is? Just something to have fun. Ed doesn't seem like a real _fun_ guy."

She snickers. "He has his moments."

"I bet," he counters sarcastically.

Truly he was just a distraction. A nice distraction, but a distraction nonetheless. Maybe it was something she had always known but at that instant it had become crystal clear. While he had not been the nicest to her over the years, his tactics less than above board, she still didn't believe he deserved to be used. And if he did she wouldn't be the one to do it. The guilt of almost sleeping with Elliot while he was still in the picture was already weighing on her. Committed to him or not she wasn't going to make matters worse.

"Well anyway. Thanks for the talk," she pats him on the back.

"Thanks for talking."

* * *

Later that evening, Olivia sits in her car outside a small Italian restaurant. Her vision is more clear. Her talk with Barba mixed with everything else making what she needs to do inevitable. The rain beats down on the car, almost obstructing her view of everything. At first she was waiting for it to slow down a bit before she went inside so she wouldn't get soaked. Then she realizes there is no need to go inside and sit through an uncomfortable dinner. She has a strong feeling that what they need to discuss may not be suitable for inside close quarters.

Getting restless, she pulls her phone out of her coat pocket and texts him to let him know that she was still inside the car and there was an empty spot next to her. He responds almost immediately to let her know that he was pulling in.

Two minutes later, she barely sees his blue Ford four door pull in next to her. Her nerves begin to take over and she takes a deep breath, blowing the air out throw an O shape she forms with her lips. His hands touch her door handle and he scurries in to avoid the rain.

"Shit," Ed curses as he slams the door harder than he intends. The water glistens across his silver hair and slides down the back and sides of his black coat. "It's probably going to be awhile before this ends. Aren't you hungry? We can make a run for it."

Olivia shakes her head and wills herself to meet his eyes. This shouldn't be difficult. It was only a matter of time. But there was something about ending things in her life that seemed more difficult than they used to be. Her breakups with Kurt, Andy, Nick and other men she dated for a short period of time were short and to the point. The breakup with David was hard because she had began to fall in love with him so it made sense. But since Lewis, ending anything not just relationships seem different. More permanent. More indicative of something bigger, but necessary all the same.

Finally she meets his eyes and he squints them for a split second, huffs and puts his head down.

"You have no intention of going in there do you?" he asks and she hears the defeat in his tone.

"We need to talk."

Ed chuckles bitterly and shakes his head in understanding. Never one to mince words, he gets right down to it. "Just say it Olivia."

"We need to end this," she responds softly.

Sighing, he lays back against the headrest for a second to gather himself before jolting back up to look at her again. "You're choosing Stabler. Should've known."

"No. I'm not," she declares confidently. "I'm choosing _me._ "

He laughs sarcastically and pulls his coat tighter. "Choosing you? So ending things with me does that how exactly? Are you really going to sit here and act like Stabler has nothing to do with this?"

There was no use in lying. "This isn't all about Elliot. I don't know what if anything will happen with that but I can tell you that right now I need to focus on me. I've got a lot of shit I need to work out."

"Like what? You told me you were going to therapy after what happened with Utley. You told me you were fine."

"But I'm not," she tells him and the tears well up in her eyes. Quickly, she blinks them back. "Not really but I'm getting there."

"Why didn't you tell me? How was I supposed to know?" he rasps and she can hear the frustration and hurt in his voice. It's almost too much. As irrational as it seems, there's a part of her that's bothered that he didn't just know her well enough to know there was a problem. She had been drinking more than normal, her smiles not meeting her eyes. But logically there's no way he could've known. They've known each other for almost twenty years but they didn't really _know_ each other. There was a distinct difference.

"I just couldn't talk about it. I've been seeing Lindstrom again and-"

"When did you stop? You had to see him to get cleared to return to work right?"

"Yeah but I stopped once I got cleared," she explains. "I started going back because everything just got….too much."

Olivia clears her throat and starts to gather her thoughts. She's not explaining this as clear as it is in her head.

"Ed when we started this it was out of nowhere. I didn't expect to like you especially after...everything."

He sighs audibly and scrubs his hand down his face. "So we are back here again?"

"No," she counters. "It's not about that."

"I thought we moved past that," he continues as if he hadn't heard a word she said. "I was doing my job. I know it came off like I had a vendetta against you and Stabler-"

"You did though. You did." She wasn't going to go there but If he was going to press the issue then she has to address it. "I'm not saying it was just us but there's _something_ that makes you out to prove that people are just always lying to you or covering something up."

There was a flash of something on his face but it was gone in an instant. "And you've already admitted that you handled things with Elliot differently because you felt he was holding me back. This isn't grade school where you pull my pigtails and push me down just to show me you like me. You put us through hell," her voice rises.

"I know sometimes it came off harsh but I never came after you guys just out of the blue. When that whole situation came up when I arrested you there was DNA evidence. DNA evidence Olivia," he slaps his hands together to emphasize his point. "I didn't just arrest you for no reason."

"Yeah there was DNA evidence but you lied to me about Elliot turning against me, you taunted me about therapy and possibly being sexually assaulted as a motive and instead of having me surrender paraded me through the squad room floor for all of my coworkers to see."

"Are you serious Olivia?" He jerks his head to the side and squints his eyes in disbelief. "Are we going to go through every single incident where you feel like I wronged you and Stabler?"

"No we aren't because if we did it would only make matters worse and you would come out on the losing end," she defends herself. "Besides quit making this all about Elliot. You sent Brian out on a damn suicide mission while he worked for you."

"Ok you got me," he holds his hands up in surrender. "I'm a cold hearted son of a bitch. You happy now? That make you feel better about ending this? About kissing your old partner when you and I are supposed to be seeing each other?"

Olivia freezes and her eye contact breaks from his for a second. Just long enough for him to notice.

"Are you sleeping with him?" He asks quietly.

"What?" She asks as if it's so unbelievable especially considered what happened the day before. "No I'm not sleeping with him. This isn't about that."

"You're right. It's about strolling down memory lane of every wrong thing I've done to you over the years."

"No it's not," she clarifies. The last thing she wants to do is relive every run in they've had for years. Not only because it was counterproductive but also because it would make her feel like more of a fool for getting involved with him in the first place. Some things you just can't or shouldn't ignore. "It's about the fact that I need to get my life together. Period. I never dealt with everything that happened to me. Not the right way."

It's the best explanation she can give him without going into too much detail about how she got Noah and then everything else just got shoved to the side.

Ed was shutting down and it was clear he didn't want to hear it anyway.

"Well," he sighs bitterly and pulls his keys from his pocket. "I hope you deal with it all the right way," he repeats. Although there is a hint of sarcasm it also seems genuine.

"Thank you."

They sit for a few seconds that seem like minutes when she finally notices the rain has stopped.

Ed smacks his lips together and reaches for the door handle. "Well I guess that's it."

Her mind whirls as if she should say something else. Anything. Maybe thank him for being what she needed at the time but didn't know. A welcome distraction from life and companionship when she thought she needed it. But the truth was there was nothing left to say.

"Yeah I guess it is."

His back turns to her as he gets ready to exit the car before he stops again and faces her. "Take care of yourself Olivia."

She presses her lips firmly together in a grateful smile. "You too."

Olivia watches as he gets into his car and pulls off. Leaning her head against the headrest she lets out a sigh of relief. It hadn't been awful. Awkward for sure, tense at times but that was to be expected. A weight had been lifted. In spite of his antics over the years she had no intention of leading him on when there wasn't a hope of a future between them.

She sits a few minutes longer just being.

Breathing.

Taking the time for herself that she continues to revel in. It's just a few minutes. Not much. But something she so desperately needs. Fleetingly, she people watches a little while at the couples going in and out of the restaurant. Some happy, some looking as if they are just going through the motions. It reminds her of stakeouts years ago when she and Elliot would sit back and make random comments about people to pass the time in the car. Focusing on anything else to avoid talking about something else. Something much bigger.

Now she sits in her car alone watching the world pass by but something's changed. She doesn't feel the least bit lonely.

Pulling her phone from her pocket she dials the first number in her favorites list.

"Hey Lucy...yeah change of plans I'll be home earlier than I expected," she tells her while starting up the car. She hears her son babbling in the background, full of energy even though it's getting late. Hearing his voice brings a smile to her face.

"Tell Noah Mommy's on the way home."


	14. Chapter 14

**Author's Note:** This chapter has a slightly different tone to it than the others. Don't worry they won't all be like this but just wanted to give a peek into what Olivia and her therapist discuss. Everything in italics is flashback from the therapy session. Thanks to all of you for continuing to read.

* * *

Olivia twirls the pen between her fingers, her leg shaking anxiously with her glasses balancing above her forehead deep in thought. It was a rare moment of silence in the squad room while Carisi, Rollins and Dodds had gone out in the field to follow a credible lead on Stassi's whereabouts. Both her and Fin had just finished sweating Mia again for some additional details about the men in and out of the apartment. Besides a name "Joaquin", they really don't have much else to go on.

Holding her breath, she silently hopes that she doesn't hear from Chief Dodds about this. Despite his upcoming retirement, he was still knee deep in everything. The day he left couldn't come soon enough.

Shit _._ She sits up straight for a moment remembering the retirement party next week. Now that she wasn't seeing Ed anymore and hadn't received an invitation personally it wasn't much of an issue. One less dress to buy, one less party to schmooze at. The last one she went with Dodds himself and it was nerve wrecking to say the least. Playing the political part of her role was something she still hasn't grown accustomed to. Cragen had his run ins with the brass from time to time but he handled it with much more poise than she feels she ever could.

Cragen. She misses him.

A good man, a fearless leader, a father figure when she didn't realize she needed one.

Olivia sighs and thinks back to her appointment earlier that morning with Dr. Lindstrom when his name came up. Ironically it was while she talked about her mother.

" _So your mother left you, even though it wasn't her choice."_

" _It was her choice," she quickly interrupted. Sounding more defensive than she intended. "It was her choice to keep drinking."_

" _Just how it's yours to stop now. Do you think it was really that easy for her?"_

" _Yes"_

" _Why? Because it's been that easy for you?"_

She rolled her eyes, focusing instead on the books on his shelf, the plaques on his wall. Anything while she gathered her thoughts. Ironically or maybe not so much it was in those moments that she thought of her former boss. The man who had been a surrogate dad to her was also an alcoholic. But with a much different outcome. He had gotten help and although he didn't talk much about his personal life she knew it wasn't easy for him especially with the pressures of the job, he managed to stay strong.

" _What's on your mind Olivia?"_

 _She nodded her head and laughed bitterly._

" _My old boss. The one I looked at like my dad. He was an alcoholic too."_

" _Captain Cragen?"_

" _Yeah."_

" _Why is that significant to you?"_

 _Shrugging her shoulders, she looks down at her interlocked fingers. "Because he overcame it. With everything in his life he didn't cave to the bottle or anything. He saw the same stuff I did everyday and he didn't…"_

" _You think that makes him strong and you weak."_

" _I don't know. I just wish I could adjust easier."_

" _Do you think he never struggled? That he never thought about breaking his sobriety?"_

 _She didn't know the answer to that but she is sure he did._

" _Do you think you are a better mother than yours was?"_

An abrupt change of subject. Or maybe not. He's going somewhere with it she assumes. He always is. She shrugged her shoulders, looking up towards the ceiling as if it would give her some sort of answers. Life with Serena Benson definitely had its ups and downs. Mostly downs from what she can remember or maybe it's just that she chooses to remember it that way. There is no doubt that she loved her mother so if she did there had to be some good. The love wasn't just because she was her mother.

If there was anyone that knew that biology didn't build some automatic ability to love someone it was her. Her own negative feelings towards her biological father and her all consuming love for son were prime examples. It was the people she didn't share bloodlines with that she loved most. That had become her family.

" _You said your mother was abusive at times?" He goads her along when she's stuck in her head again._

" _Yeah. At times."_

" _If that's the case how can you even doubt that you are a better mother to Noah? Why are you so hard on yourself Olivia?"_

He asked her the same question after Lewis. She managed to break free and save herself. She had managed to stay alive for four days despite everything that happened. And instead of feeling some sense of pride. All she felt was humiliation. Maybe she hasn't made much progress at all.

" _Why do you have such high expectations for yourself but not for everyone else?"_

" _Because I can't control what they do. I know what I need to do. What I should do."_

" _And what's that?"_

" _Be a good mom, a good commanding officer, a good friend I don't know."_

" _And you think just because things go wrong sometimes or you mess up that you aren't all those things? No one is perfect Olivia. Not even you. If you keep chasing this false sense of perfection in yourself you will never be happy."_

"Hey Liv you gotta sec?" Fin asks and notices her jump. "You ok?"

He inspects her and she puts her glasses back on. "Yeah I'm fine. What's up?"

"Looks like we got something. Joaquin Santos, 28 years old," she reads off the sheet he hands her. "Previous arrests for burglary, drug possession and rape. Well he certainly fits our MO"

"Yeah," he agrees handing her another paper. " I was able to get a little more out of Mia and did some digging with a few of my old connects. Seems like Joaquin is a part of a group of guys that's always causing trouble near East 51st."

"By the cathedral? Isn't that where St Patrick's is?"

"Yep."

"Good job Fin. Let's go pay him a visit. Have one of the officers keep an eye on Mia. If they know she talked she could be in trouble."

Fin examines her closely as she grabs her keys and gun from the drawer.

"What?" She asks when she catches him staring.

"Nothing. You just seem," he nods. "I don't know different. In a good way though," he quickly clarifies.

She still hasn't told him about Elliot's reentry back into her life and not sure why. She will one day because she owes him that. Fin had been the one consistency in her life. The only member of the old regime besides herself still standing. Rarely did they talk about anything personal especially now that she was his boss but out of everyone he has made the transition from player to coach easiest for her. And she was grateful.

"Well thanks I think," giving him a pat on the shoulder as they walk out the door. "Now come on let's get going."

* * *

It's a little after 10pm when Olivia drags herself up the stairs, the elevator had been taking too long. It was a long day but they had Joaquin in custody and enough from his statement to hold him overnight. By the time she left the precinct Fin and Dodds were taking a break from interrogating him.

As she approaches the door, she hears music that sounds like one of Noah's toys and Lucy's laughter. Putting her key in the door, she opens it stunned to see her son still on the floor playing. Lucy notices her surprised reaction and immediately begins to explain.

"I'm sorry Olivia. I tried everything but he's not going to sleep. I must've let him nap a little too long earlier."

Noah excitedly points to his masterpiece, "Mommy look."

"It's fine," she waves her off and hangs her bag and jacket on the coat rack quickly turning her attention to Noah. "What are you doing up little man?"

"I play with blocks," he answers as if it's the most natural thing in the world.

Getting on her knees next to him, she places a kiss in his mop of brown hair. "I see. Don't you think it's a little late for that?"

He shakes his head emphatically. "Nope." Her and Lucy giggle in unison.

Olivia helps him stack a few more blocks while Lucy gathers her belongings. "Tomorrow may be another long night," she explains.

"No worries. I'm just studying for exams so you are good," the sitter assures her waving goodbye to Noah.

"Mommy," he points to a new toy on the floor she hasn't noticed before. "Doggie."

"Yes a doggie."

"Uh oh," Lucy smiles a little embarrassed. "I think he may be throwing you a little hint."

Oh no.

"There was this little yorkie at the playground earlier today that he just fell in love with and he's been saying doggie all day. Even wanted me to get the toy dog from one of the vendors out there."

"Well he has to learn he doesn't get what he wants all the time at some point," she jokes. The last thing she needed in her life was a dog. Keeping up with Noah was enough of a challenge. "Good luck. He seems pretty determined," she waves on the way out. "See you tomorrow."

Glancing at her phone quickly to make sure she doesn't have any updates from work, she continues to play with her son for a few more minutes. It's late but there are rare times that they just sit and play together during the week. Only about five minutes have passed when she sees Noah begin to rub his eyes and yawn.

"Ok little man," she picks him up careful to avoid the mess on the floor. "Let's get ready for bed."

"Noooo," he whines weakly laying his head on her shoulder.

"Yeeees," she mocks him playfully. "You are barely hanging on."

When they walk into the nursery, she sits in the rocking chair next to his bookshelf. "Ok which book do you want Mommy to read tonight?"

More than likely he won't make it through much of the story but it's their nightly ritual. Not one to miss a beat instead of picking up one of the books she reads to him all the time, he picks up one of his "Clifford" books. The big red dog apparently more attractive now than ever for obvious reasons.

"Here," he hands it to her and settles back into her lap, his head against her chest.

Everyday he changes just a little bit more and she's both sad and proud to see him growing up. He was so quiet and to himself when she first brought him home from foster care. Both of them getting to know each other and feel each other out. It seems like a lifetime ago.

Her hand strokes his back gently while the other holds the book reading aloud to him. His soft breaths get more steady and without looking down at him she knows that he is asleep. A small smile plays on her lips as she rocks him for a few minutes longer. The apartment is quiet and still. The only sounds are their breathing and the light creaks of the chair as it rocks back and forth.

Olivia begins to hum softly in Noah's ear, continuing to rub his back. She doesn't know if the melody has a name, only where it came from. It was one that her mother would sing to her every once in awhile. One time she can remember when she was five years old and had the chicken pox. Scratching constantly, she was miserable and couldn't sleep. Serena climbed in bed with her and rubbed her hair while humming the tune. Instantly she felt safe and secure in her mother's arms. It was one of the unique times she was affectionate and she remembers even then wanting to stay awake and hold on to the moment because it was so foreign to her. Foreign but welcome. She craved her mother's love.

Olivia realizes she may not be perfect. There were nights she was going to be late and not be able to put him to bed but she promised that she would never let her son have to crave for her love. She would offer it willingly and every moment she could.

"I love you Noah," she whispers in his ear. "So much."

Kissing his forehead, she stands up gently placing him in his bed. "Good night sweetie."

As she closes the door, the faint sound of her phone vibrating against the counter catches her attention.

Expecting it to be work, she's surprised to see the name on the caller id. Elliot.

They hadn't spoken since the other day when he professed his love for her and they almost had sex on the couch. There were a few text messages exchanged here and there but she had been wrapped up in the case and couldn't talk for long.

Nervously rubbing her palm against her slacks, she answers the phone. "Hey."

"Hey," he responds and she can hear the uncertainty in his voice. "Sorry to call you so late. I figured you would still be up though."

"Yeah, I just put Noah down." She wanders to the front door double checking the lock and looking out the peephole. A habit she's developed since...him.

"Wow, he was up late. He okay?"

Olivia turns out the lights in the living room and wanders down the hall to her bedroom. "Yeah yeah everything is fine. He was just wound up when I got in and we played a little bit. Good thing is he should sleep until I wake up in the morning and not wake me up at 6am."

"Well that's good."

The line goes silent and she pulls the phone back to make sure he's still there. "El you still there?"

"Yeah I'm here," he rasps. "I guess I just-I guess we have to talk about it hunh?"

She breathes in deeply, sitting on the edge of her bed. Her shoes hit the floor with a thud and she rubs her hands through her hair.

"Yeah I guess we do."

Unsure of what to say she hopes he takes the lead. Elliot can still read her mind and he does. "Look I know that you have someone in your life and I'm not trying to mess up anything for you," he begins and she doesn't correct him. As harsh as it was, since ending things with Ed last night she hadn't given it another thought. She made the right decision. Her life was going in a different direction and she was holding on to a false sense of consistency with him because she has abandonment issues. Major ones. Getting into a relationship with someone she could never trust completely would lead to nothing but heartbreak.

"El you aren't messing things up for me," she assures him. "I didn't expect for everything to end up like it did. I really just needed some answers about...everything."

"Yeah. I know," he pauses. "Do you feel better about it all now?"

"I think what happened after kind of confirms that doesn't it?" she jokes and she hears his low laugh on the other end of the line. The tension starts to break, walls coming down. They can do this. They've survived awkward situations before.

"Yeah I guess it does. I hope I didn't-"

"No. I kinda initiated it remember?" Her voice is low and smooth. The tone of the conversation turning towards something...more.

"Yes," he pauses and she can hear what she assumes is him laying down. "I remember."

"I don't know if I will be able to look Maureen in the eyes again," she says walking to the bathroom and turning on the light.

His laugh is hearty in response. "Don't worry. I think you are fine, it's me who is getting the third degree."

"Oh no. What did she say?"

"Well," he sighs. "Apparently women sit around with ice cream and paint each other's toenails and talk about these things in depth. I had no idea."

Olivia chuckles, ridding herself of her work clothes. "You lived in a house full of women for years. Don't tell me this is news to you."

"It kind of is and let's face it. These talks about boys and what they do I chose to believe didn't happen in my house because that would mean something I wasn't quite ready to face."

"Ok former sex crimes detective," she counters grabbing one of her t-shirts off the door. She decides to just shower in the morning, not wanting to interrupt the phone call with Elliot.

"Hey sometimes denial works."

The statement grabs her attention. Probably for all the reasons it shouldn't. "Yeah. yeah I guess it does. I guess we did that for a long time."

He's silent on the other end and she wonders if she's gone too far. "El?"

Elliot clears his throat. "Yeah I'm here."

"I shouldn't have-"

"No," he interrupts. "No. I know this is weird for us. I feel like we've talked..really talked more in this short amount of time than we did the whole time we were partners. It just takes some getting used to that's all."

"Yeah it does."

The fact that Elliot left without a word was no doubt devastating for her in so many ways. But for him to come back into her life there had to be something that was unlike the past. While their partnership worked for her in all the ways she needed it to back then, the same dynamic wouldn't have worked for them now. It explained why she was unsure in the beginning of how he would fit in her life. It hadn't taken him long to show her that things were different now. And although they were the same people at the core, time and circumstances had smoothed out some of their sharper edges making them a better fit.

"So…..talk to me," she requests and snuggles into her bed. "About anything."

Elliot laughs and switches the phone to the other ear to get more comfortable. "We've been here before."

"I know and if you play your cards right maybe we will be here again."

"Is that right?" he asks and his voice drops again into _that_ voice. "So when you say here. Is that as in on the phone or as in a repeat of what happened on my couch?"

Olivia laughs so loud that she hurries to put her hand over her mouth hoping that Noah didn't hear and wake up. "Considering we are on the phone right now, that's what I mean by here."

"Damn," he curses playfully. "How about a compromise?"

"And what's that?" she asks laying down in the bed comfortably.

"Phone sex."

She pulls the corner of the pillow over her mouth to muffle her amusement. "I never pegged you for the phone sex type."

"Be careful Lieutenant I may shock you every once in awhile."

"You definitely shocked me by what you said in the street after...that."

She thinks about not bringing it up. But there was something about them that made it okay now. They no longer had to hide from topics that normally would've been avoided.

He loved her. He loves her. And most importantly he told her. Yes. Things have definitely changed.

"Come on Liv were you really that shocked? I know I may have not always done the best job of showing it but it was always there. I thought...I thought that was why we kept such tight boundaries ya know?"

"I always thought we kept those boundaries because we were partners and you were married," she muses.

"We wouldn't have needed them if there was nothing there."

"Good point."

Elliot doesn't say anything at first. Just gives her time to think through everything. The peace between them a soft warm blanket they were both wrapped in. Serene. Relaxed. Safe.

"You may be getting a visit soon," he eventually speaks up.

That gets her attention. She wasn't sure yet how she would introduce him and Noah. Ed never met him but she already decided that Elliot would be in her life no matter what even if it wasn't romantic. There was no book called "Etiquette for when single mothers should introduce their kids to men they are seeing". She wasn't sure what to do.

"Don't worry it's not me," he responds reading her mind yet again. "Maureen strong armed me for your phone number so you may have one or two of my blonde haired offspring calling you shortly."

Olivia exhales in relief, her hand scraping across her face. "Uh oh you don't think it's a safe sex lecture do you?"

"Jeez," he chuckles. "I hope not. Although I can't promise anything because she did ask me if it was going to be our first time."

"Oh god," she shakes her head in embarrassment. "What did you tell them?"

"I told her the rate we were going if she had waited three more minutes we would've been done."

She covers her mouth again to hold the laughter. "I sincerely hope that's not true. You're a minute man Stabler? That's...disappointing."

"Maybe. Maybe not," he feigns nonchalance. "But I guess you will never really know unless you find out for yourself."

His voice practically oozes sex and her body begins to react. Goosebumps cover her skin, her lungs full of air she needs to expel. She can still feel him. Almost like they are right back in the moment. His big hands caressing every part of her body.

"El-we," she whispers.

"We what?" he whispers in return. "I can't help it. I can't stop thinking about you. I want us to finish what we started."

Her eyes slip closed. The memories flooding back full force. His lips had kissed her breasts causing her nipples to strain against her bra. One intimate touch from him and she had been ready to give herself fully and completely. As far as he knew she was still dating Ed. It didn't surprise her at all that he didn't care. If it were someone else, anyone else he would have a little more tact. When it came to respecting anything regarding Ed Tucker, Elliot didn't give a shit. And she didn't blame him.

"Liv are you there?" he asks when she's lost in her thoughts..again.

"Yes," she answers.

"I know that you are seeing _someone_ ," he acknowledges with a slight edge. "I'm sorry if-"

Olivia cuts him off. "Let's just talk about something else ok?" Eventually she would tell him the truth about the breakup but now wasn't the time. She wasn't sure how he would react and she was already vulnerable thanks to her overactive memory.

"Ok," he agrees. "We can talk about whatever you want."

Her mind searches for something. Anything to talk about while her body is struggling to calm itself down.

"A dog," she blurts out.

"What?"

Olivia clears her throat and throws the comforter off her body. The room suddenly too hot. Stifling. "Noah is trying to hustle me into getting a dog. He's throwing hints and everything."

Elliot chuckles low. "A dog? You? I don't know if I can see that one."

She closes her eyes briefly in relief. It works. They can navigate into safer territory.

"I don't know if I can either."

"I thought you were scared to death of dogs."

"I am not. I just don't have the time you know how busy my schedule is."

He laughs at her again. "True. There's no way you could be scared of dogs. You are seeing Tucker. The biggest bitch of them all."

She stifles her giggle and skips over the insult. "You will see. I could get a dog if I wanted to. I'll surprise you."

"You know how you could surprise me?"

Cooled off, she pulls the blanket back around her. "How's that?"

"Finish what we started," he challenges playfully.

"Goodnight Elliot," she strikes back her hand hovering over the end button.

Elliot tries to be serious in the midst of laughing. "No wait."

"What?"

"Don't hang up." He clears his throat to pull himself together. "Don't hang up yet."

The seconds tick by. "Are you done criticizing my possible dog handling skills?" she jokes.

"Yes I am. Before we say goodnight I just wanted to ask you something."

There is a twinge of disappointment that the phone call is ending but she shakes it off.

"What is that?"

He clears his throat again and she can sense his struggle. "Do-Do you love him?"

"No," she answers instantly. "No I don't."

Elliot exhales deeply. He's relieved and so is she. She may not be ready to say it to him but she can at least ease his mind that she doesn't feel that way towards someone else.

"Ok."

"Ok?" she asks gripping the phone tighter, her lips curling up.

"Yep. I mean you can't see me but I may or may not be up dancing in excitement."

Olivia giggles and rolls over into a fetal position, curling into herself. "You? Dancing? Speaking of stuff I can't see."

"Well I can always show you how I move."

She sighs in exasperation. "Goodnight. Elliot."

"Ok fine fine," he snickers. Clearly proud of himself for catching her off guard again. "Goodnight Liv. I love you."

Olivia stops in her tracks, gripping the phone tight against her hands. It was only the second time he said it but it pierces her heart just the same.

"I told you that you don't have to say it back. I guess I just decided that there were so many times I wanted to say it that I didn't I'm not going to miss any chance to let you know."

She screws her eyes shut feeling like she should say something. Anything.

"Sleep tight. Call me if you need anything." He fills the silence, taking the pressure off. But she tells herself he has to know. How could he not?

"Ok. I will." Her voice is low and unsure.

Elliot is silent for a moment longer and then hangs up.

Setting the phone back down on her nightstand, she runs her hands through her hair. Why couldn't she say it? She felt it. She had for years. But she hadn't told a man she loved her since Brian….when they were breaking up. And even then it wasn't the same as this. Before Brian it had been even longer since she said them.

Those three words were whispered in her head when she stood at Elliot's bedside during his many hospital stays. Even though a couple of those times Kathy was nearby. She hated herself for that but couldn't help the way she felt.

Now it's different circumstances. Different relationship. But same people. Same feelings.

She loves Elliot.

And when the time is right she plans to tell him.


	15. Chapter 15

Pippa flips her long wavy hair, straightens her black pencil skirt and exhales as the numbers on the elevator ascend closer to her destination. She's been in the 1-6 several times over the years. Today is no different. Or maybe it is a little. It's a follow up regarding one of the kids taken in custody during one of SVU's cases and will be the only time she's seen Olivia alone since everything ended with Elliot. Their last encounter had been strictly business and one of her team members was always in the room.

Sometimes she wishes she wasn't so inquisitive. Who's she kidding? She's just nosey. The knowledge that of all people Olivia is seeing Ed Tucker was surprising to say the least. Because of the complicated dynamics, she tried her best to hold back her reaction to the news when Elliot let it slip.

Remembering his face as he sat across from her and essentially told her he was in love with another woman was something she wouldn't forget anytime soon. Not because she was head over heels for him. Their courtship had been brief. But she knew all too well what is was like to have a love that deep for someone you hadn't seen in years.

Ironically she had probably spent more time with Olivia over the years than Elliot but the Lieutenant was very much a closed book especially when it came to her personal life. Now that Elliot was for all intents and purposes kind of her friend, weird dynamics be damned, she was interested in getting a feel for where Olivia's mindset was. It was overstepping and probably not the best idea, but the look in his eyes as he confided in her she couldn't forget.

She had felt that way about someone once. It seems like another lifetime ago. Star crossed lovers with wrong timing. As with all things in life, he's moved on. And so has she. But she can't shake this overwhelming uncontrollable need she has to right the wrongs. Not just in the courtroom but in life as well.

"Your crusading is going to get you in trouble Pip," her older brother with the much more common name had once told her. But she didn't care. Determined, she struts purposefully towards Olivia's office. The other officers move around the squad room all serving their purpose and briefly she spots Rollins and Carisi talking at his desk just before her gaze lands on Olivia.

The phone is glued to the Lieutenant's ear as it is more often these days. They briefly make eye contact and there is a flicker of something in Olivia's expression. For a moment she wonders if it's Elliot on the other end of the line.

Quickly ending her phone call, Olivia waves two fingers motioning for Pippa to come in. Her mannerisms are a bit rigid, the black blazer hugging her royal blue top that clings close to her body. She's wearing color more these days that matches the increasing color in her cheeks. There's definitely something different about her.

"Hey Pippa," Olivia tries to sound more jovial than her face lets on. "Whats up?"

Pippa shrugs, a small piece of her red hair falling in front of her shoulder. "I actually came by to update you on the case with Bruno."

Olivia's face immediately softens at the mention of the little boy from the case some months ago. "How is he?" Removing the glasses from her head she sets them down on the desk, and walks around to sit on the edge.

"He's ok. He's put on a little weight. They are taking really good care of him in foster care."

"That's great," Olivia praises, folding her arms. "How can I help?"

"I need you to come to family court and just talk to the judge about the conditions you found him in. There is a family looking to adopt him but they just want to hear more about his history. Chantal Jackson will be there too."

The corners of Olivia's lips lift marginally and her eyes roll towards the ceiling. There is definitely no love lost between her and the social worker. Although she ultimately recommended her for Noah's adoption, Olivia and Chantal had their share of run ins that Pippa sometimes was in the middle of. The phone calls came in several times over the span of six months with the question of Olivia's commitment to Noah. Pippa always had her back in those conversations. Olivia's schedule was much worse than hers and she was having trouble picturing how she would have kids someday even with a husband. Pippa had no idea how Olivia made it all work as a single mom but somehow she has. And she admires her for it.

"Oh come on I thought you two were besties now," she jokes and makes herself comfortable in one of the guest chairs.

"Oh yeah," Olivia scoffs. "We hang out regularly. I was thinking of inviting her out for drinks sometimes soon."

With the tension somewhat lightened, Pippa takes advantage. "Speaking of, I could certainly go for some drinks sometime soon. What do you say?"

Olivia stops in her tracks and quickly clears her throat. "Umm yeah I guess. If you are ok with that?"

Pippa chuckles uncomfortably and straightens in her seat. "Of course I am. Just so you know Elliot was very honest with me about how he felt and I can't say that I was all that surprised. I told you about my suspicions about his former partner and," she waves her hand towards her. "Turns out I was right."

Olivia runs her hands through her hair, her bottom lip pulling into her mouth. "I want you to know that nothing happened while the two of you were…"

"I know," she holds up her hand to stop her. "I know nothing _really_ happened but you know we were really early on into everything."

Olivia nods her understanding but Pippa continues on still wanting to clear the air completely. "Look either way there's no hard feelings. You and I were cool before all of this and I just hope it doesn't stop us from hanging out or anything."

Her head shifts back in shock at Pippa's words and she tucks her hair behind her ear. "Wow. Well I hope so too. Really I-," she huffs clearly frustrated at not being able to find her words. Olivia is usually pretty kept together so it humbles her to see her taken off guard when it comes to discussing the man they have in common. "I know it's a weird situation but I appreciate the way you are being about all of this. A lesser person would've been a bit more-"

"Bitchy?"

Olivia chuckles. "Yeah for lack of a better word."

Leaning in just a bit, she drops her voice just a bit realizing she is about to tread on thin ice. "I know that I haven't known him long but I think we both care about what's best for him. I think that despite your _circumstances_ that you are what's best for him."

Yeah. She didn't even bother being subtle and the flabbergasted expression on Olivia's face shows that. "My circumstances?"

"Well yeah you know with you seeing someone," Pippa answers making sure not to reveal that she knows it's Ed. However, she has a feeling that Olivia knows that she's aware.

Olivia cracks her knuckles as her hands clasp. The atmosphere changes and although she doesn't regret bringing it all up she just hopes that she hasn't crossed the line so much so that she's done more harm than good. "Just so you know those circumstances aren't really the issue," Olivia declares carefully. "Elliot and I have a lot of history to work through and we are trying. It's just going to take some time."

"I can understand that," Pippa retorts. "It's been awhile but just so you know. He cares a lot about you and-"

Two quick knocks on her open office door halt their conversation. "Well I hope I'm not interrupting," the familiar voice fills the room.

Her and Olivia exchange strained glances before plastering on fake smiles. "Of course not come on in."

* * *

Of all people to enter her office right now it would be Chief Dodds. As if trying her best to maneuver through a conversation that could be described as nothing less than uncomfortable and awkward wasn't bad enough she was now face to face with Chief Dodds. When does he retire again? She has grown to like and respect his son over the time that he has started working for her but as for his father there is no nice way to put it. He gets on her nerves.

"Well if it isn't two of my favorite ladies," his arms are wide open as if he is going to hug them both but thankfully he stops short.

"Sounds like a man with just a few days left before retirement," Pippa inserts and Olivia is instantly glad that she too can play politics and help combat the forced dynamic.

"Well more like a week and a few days," he corrects.

Their eyebrows raise in unison. "Excuse me?" Olivia asks.

"Some things came up and I have to delay by a week."

Dear Lord. Why? Another week of him sticking his nose in her cases and bothering her about everything.

"So since I have a little more time," he claps his hands together in front of his perfectly tailored suit. "I came to check on the status of the Sandoval murder. As you know the sheer logistics of this has been all over 1PP and the news."

Exhibit A. Every case they work makes the news but here he is again. Sticking his nose in.

Olivia breathes back the sarcastic response that rests on her lips and gives him a very brief rundown of where they are with the case.

"Well good to hear. I know as usual you and your squad are on it." She nods in understanding not bothering to give another static political response and he continues on. "I'm going to grab your Sergeant and take him out to lunch," he turns towards the door. "I'm going to see both of you ladies at the party next weekend right?"

Olivia's eyebrows furrow in confusion. Why would Pippa be at a cop function?

"Wouldn't miss it," Pippa answers.

"And you Lieutenant? I see that you were on the RSVP list. Look forward to seeing you and Ed there."

Shit. Ed hadn't bothered to tell her that the party was rescheduled but why would he considering that she broke it off with him and they hadn't been speaking?

"I didn't hear that it was rescheduled so I'll try and see if I can fit it in," she offers politely trying to hide her annoyance.

"See that you do," he replies passive aggressively. Now she knows that she will have to be there. "And tell Ed I said hello."

Dodds gives her a wink before he heads out. Olivia's hands grasp her forehead, trying to fight off a headache. They didn't disclose and she didn't feel like dealing with rumors of her and Ed when there was nothing to them anymore anyway. If Dodds knew then others would say something. This was exactly why she didn't want to go with him. She had only accepted because she felt like she was letting him down and wanted to show him that she was serious about their relationship. She was lying to herself and him. "Wow, he's very not subtle hunh?" Pippa asks.

"That's putting it mildly."

"If it makes you feel any better," she begins and Olivia can't help but notice how trite she looks. "I really don't think a lot of people know about you and Tucker. I hadn't heard anything."

Olivia exhales loudly in frustration. Pippa recoils slightly but keeps talking, "So if you're worried about that..."

"Yeah I am especially since-," she stops herself. Telling her about the end of her relationship with Ed before she tells Elliot would only make this whole situation worse. "I just like to keep my private life private. People talk too much around here as it is."

Pippa nods clearly receiving her not so subtle message. "Understood."

Olivia walks back to her chair, putting on her glasses signaling the end of the conversation. She's had enough pleasantries and posturing for one day.

"Hey Olivia. I was serious about what I said before," Pippa insists while gathering her briefcase. "I would really would like to do drinks sometime."

For a moment, she has flashbacks of how she felt walking with Kathy Stabler in the park shortly after she got back from Oregon. It's yet another incident of a nice woman who she wishes she could dislike that also cares about Elliot and is trying to tell her something about their relationship that she's not open to hearing. They will figure it out themselves. But for as somewhat overbearing as she is, Pippa is also authentic and she appreciates that. If she wanted to cause trouble or make the situation much worse she could've done so but she hasn't. For that she's grateful.

"I would like that as well."

The relief is evident on Pippa's face and a second later she sees her slender frame walking away towards the elevator. Having her as an ally isn't a bad thing. At least their professional relationship was in tact despite the strange logistics of their personal one.

As with most days at SVU, the hours go by relatively fast and before long Olivia is at home bathing an exhausted Noah.

"You're really tired tonight hunh?" she asks as she washes the shampoo out of his hair. The bubbles are all around him and he lazily swats at a few while shaking his head yes to answer her question. Too tired to speak.

She smiles at him, reaching for the bright blue towel with fish all over that he loves so much. "I understand. Mommy is pretty tired tonight too."

Olivia swaddles him in the towel, holding him close to her chest while they balance on the closed toilet seat lid. He's falling asleep in her arms and she laughs while he rubs his eyes and fights to keep his eyes open. He wants to stay up for his story but she knows he won't get past the first page.

"Doggie book," he says between yawns and she laughs again.

"I know Noah I know. We will read the doggie book," she assures him referring to the Clifford book that is now his favorite. Her son's tenacity in his continued efforts to get a dog don't go unnoticed. She's just waiting to see how long before he comes right out and asks.

Two pages into the book he's sound asleep but as is her way, she finishes it anyway.

After he's tucked in, she slowly pads into the kitchen and fixes a glass of water while she checks her phone. A few work emails and some text messages. One from Fin updating her on the case, Amanda saying she will be in a little late tomorrow because of Jessie's doctor's appointment and one from Elliot.

Seeing his name on her display instantly brings a smile to her face. The thought of his voice, his lips on hers, his hands on her body gave her butterflies in her stomach. She can't keep still, nervous energy running through her limbs. Grasping the countertops and her head leaned over, she tries to steady herself. Their nightly conversations had become a highlight for her but each time she feels them treading closer and closer to uncharted territory. She didn't know how long she would be able to resist him or how long she would be able to resist saying the words. _Those_ words.

The phone begins to buzz on the counter and she knows without looking at the screen that it's him. As she lifts the phone to her ear, she bites her lip to stop the giddy smile that crosses her face. "Well hello there."

"Hello," Elliot responds mocking her playful tone. "You didn't answer my text message."

"I hadn't had a chance yet. I was putting Noah down. What did it say?"

"It says that I know it's late but I was in the area and was wondering if I could stop by." He clears his throat after the question and his nervousness immediately extends to her. The fingers of her right hand tap anxiously on the counter and she tries to think quick. Noah was asleep so there was no worry of the two of them having some impromptu meeting. She still didn't know where she stood with that yet. But there was one big problem. It was late. They were in her apartment and…

"Liv?"

"Yeah," she answers timidly almost not recognizing the sound of her own voice.

"Can I come over?"

God. Why did he have to sound like _that_? There was a time that his voice was just a familiar constant in her life. Now it awakened something else within that made her nervous.

"I don't know if that's the best idea."

"Why not?" he asks and she can hear his wide grin over the phone. "You don't trust me?"

No. I don't trust myself.

"You know I did at first but now that you say it like that I don't," she purrs looking around her apartment as if there is some sign to whether she should say yes or no.

"I won't stay long. Unless you have company or something."

Oh yeah. She still hadn't told him.

"No I don't have company."

She hears his sigh of relief. "I promise I won't stay too long."

"Well you did say you were a minute man," she jokes.

"Ouch."

Olivia laughs and walks to the mirror in the hall. She looks tired but she still has her work clothes on, minus her blazer and shoes so nothing will happen. Right. Nothing will happen. Nervously, she takes her hair down from the clip she had it in from when she bathed Noah and rubs her hands through to straighten it out.

"So is that a yes?"

Glancing across the room, she notices the toys on the floor. Damn. She needs to clean up.

"Yes. It's a yes," she answers while putting the toys including the stuffed dog into Noah's toybox.

"Good, because I'm already downstairs."

Damn. Olivia works overtime collecting everything and throwing it in there trying to make as little noise as possible.

"How did you get here so fast?" she asks trying to stall him but hears his jeep door close.

"I told you I was in the neighborhood."

Her feet feel like lead. She can't move around fast enough. The pictures, the toys, everything. She's looking for something, anything that may tell him something that she isn't ready for him to know. That she wants to keep to herself for just a bit longer.

It's only a matter of seconds and she hears the soft knocks on the door. "I'm here."

Olivia breathes deeply again, her gaze locking on the door. He's there on the other side. He's been there before but this time it's different. This time it's an offering into another part of her life. Because her life is not something she wants to hide from him.

Not anymore.

* * *

Elliot stands on the other side of the door steadying his nerves. His false bravado over the phone quickly disintegrates the minute she is before him. For a second, they just stand and look at one another. Both unsure of what to say or do. His feet shuffle a bit back and forth before he finally finds his voice. "Can I come in?"

"Oh yeah," she tries to sound nonchalant. "Come on in." Backing away from the door, she motions with her right hand to let him in and he walks by her slowly. His first instinct is to hug her but he resists the urge and slowly makes his way down the short hall into the wide expanse of her living room. The last time he was there he was fueled by anger over her relationship with Tucker that the details escaped him. The first thing he notices besides the stark contrast to her old place is the toy chest in the corner decorated with red and blue trains on the front. There are a few toys still on the floor, pictures lining the walls and even though the lights are mostly off, there is a brightness of this place that didn't exist in her other apartment. It feels more like a home.

"Sorry about the mess," Olivia apologizes scurrying past him to pick up some Legos and a stuffed bear that was on the couch.

"No it's fine," he says sticking his hands in his pockets to stop his overwhelming need to touch her. When she bends over to put the toys in the toy chest he quickly diverts his eyes away from her perfect backside that he watched for years when they were partners. It was safer to sneak a peek back then but in the confines of her very quiet apartment and practically alone it was more dangerous. His hand rubs back and forth on his neck anxiously as he looks around anywhere but _there_ and focuses on the pictures on the shelf that lines her wall.

"Can I get you something to drink?"

Elliot makes the mistake of tearing his eyes away from one of the photos of her on a rock overlooking a beach. Olivia is facing him hunched over folding the blanket and he can see the top of her breasts through the gap in her shirt. They are almost spilling out of her bra and he remembers how it felt when his lips grazed over her soft flesh, cupping them with both hands.

"El? You want something to drink?" She asks again and he can see the hint of the smile playing on her lips. He's busted.

"Yeah some water would be fine," he rasps.

"You sure you don't want something stronger?" she asks raising her eyebrow challenging him.

He smiles in return and his eyes scan the full length of her body. "I don't think you want me here with my inhibitions lowered anymore."

Effectively turning the tables, Olivia blushes and scurries to the kitchen to grab the water. He watches her open the fridge, pull out a bottle of water and place it on the counter. Seconds tick by and she's perfectly still. Not moving. Watching her closely, he can see her back move slightly up and down with her head tilted down. Concerned, he walks to the kitchen and sees her holding tight to the water bottle with her eyes closed. His footsteps are light but he can tell by the flicker of her eyelids that she registers his proximity.

"Liv you okay?" he asks. His voice almost a whisper.

She stretches her neck from side to side, trying to release some tension. His hands fidget at his side longing to reach out and touch her there. Massage whatever kink is in her neck. Relax her. But he's scared to make any moves that put him in contact with any part of her body. If she didn't trust him to behave himself tonight he would totally understand why because he's struggling. Struggling to contain everything in him that just wants to touch her. Feel her. He wants to hear her moan and come over and over again with his name on her lips.

Instinctively, he steps directly behind her. His body just shy of touching hers. His breaths are on her neck and he can smell her shampoo as his head tilts down.

"I have your water," she responds weakly. Her hand drops from the bottle.

"Thank you." He reaches around her to grab it and his arm grazes her shoulder. Olivia jumps at the contact, goosebumps breaking out across her skin. He's so close and his hand drops the bottle, landing on her shoulder instead.

"Liv," he whispers, almost begging. For what he's not sure. The strength, the courage to stop. To start.

"Yeah."

"Turn around," he commands and he buries his head in her hair.

"El," she whispers but he can't tell if it's a question or a plea.

His thumb caresses her shoulder and then works its way to her neck. Before he can close the distance between them Olivia turns around and wraps her arms around his waist. He immediately returns the hug pulling her close, his forehead leaning on top of her head.

They stand like this for minutes. Neither one of them moving. Scared that any slight touch would escalate the situation to a point of no return. He doesn't know when it became like this. When they could barely stand in a room together without the air being so thick that both of their chests heaved just to get air. Or maybe it's always been like this but like so many things with them over the years it's been safely tucked away.

Hidden beneath all of the other unsaid words and unshed tears their tortured history has bestowed upon them. He can feel her heart race against his and holds her tighter. Tenderly, he caresses her hair and he can feel her breathing start to regulate. While he on the other hand tries to fight his body's natural reaction to her.

Olivia gives him one more tight squeeze before she pulls back, her dark eyes meeting his. For a second, her eyes flicker down to his lips and back to him again. She's fighting just as hard as he is. They both know what will happen if their lips touch. If they start, they won't stop.

"Let's go back in the living room," she mutters, her voice breaking just a bit.

Olivia walks slowly back into the open space, he follows close behind. They sit down and he doesn't leave much room between them. If he moves just a little his right leg will rub against hers. But he remains still.

"So…" she begins trying to break the silence and nervously tapping on the water bottle before handing it to him.

"So." Elliot takes it from her quickly draining half the bottle hoping to cool himself off. Literally and figuratively. Rubbing his sweaty palms against the denim of his jeans, he clears his throat trying to find his voice.

"I have something to tell you," Olivia declares tentatively.

HIs fists clench involuntarily and he holds his breath.

"Ed and I broke up."

For a second everything stops. Did she say what he thinks she did?

"Did you hear me?" she asks squeezing his hand.

"Yeah," he answers shaking his head for extra emphasis.

Her voice is even and he can't tell if she's upset by it or not. He hates Tucker but not as much as he hates to see Olivia hurt or unhappy.

"I'm sorry," he fires off mechanically squeezing her hand back. "Did he-?"

"No," she cuts him off quickly. "I ended it."

The smile on his face is instant but he tries to hide it behind taking another sip of water.

"Is this the part where you try to act like you are broken up about it?" Olivia smirks.

Elliot places the empty water bottle on the coffee table and leans back against the couch. "I've never been that great of an actor but if you're hurt then yeah it does bother me."

However, when his eyes meet hers he sees nothing but a sense of peace and relief on her face and he relaxes.

"I'm not hurt. It happened a couple of days ago," she explains. "I would've told you earlier but it seemed like something I should tell you face to face so.."

"I'm glad you did."

It's over. He's relieved but once again doesn't want to push her and ask what it means for them. "Can I ask why it ended?"

Olivia gives him a small smile leaning against the back of the couch next to him. Some of her brown tresses fan across his shoulder and he places his head on her shoulder.

"I think you just did," she snickers.

His worry that he's overstepped is quickly disintegrated by the smooth touch of her hand across the low stubble on his chin. She places a quick kiss on the end of his nose and once again his hands are opening and closing involuntarily.

God. He just needs to touch her.

"I ended it because it was the right thing to do. I wasn't-," she falters when he places his hand on her thigh. "I didn't trust him and I know ultimately it wouldn't go anywhere. It just seemed..convenient not really genuine you know?"

The statement hits him square in the gut. It's how he felt in his marriage for years. There were nights especially toward the end of their partnership that he stayed awake nights thinking about what could've been. If he wouldn't have been afraid and concerned with what was convenient and safe maybe things would have been different for them. It had crossed his mind so many times during his separation and exploding when she left for Oregon. His heart had been ripped out and he kissed his new partner just trying to feel something. Anything.

Without her he was a shell of a man, but he couldn't make himself abandon his sense of responsibility. So he settled for having her by his side at work while he went home to his wife and children. While most would think he had the best of both worlds, having his cake and eating it too it was the exact opposite. It was hell being by her side day after day and keeping that line clear when there was so much he wanted to say. So much more he wanted to do.

"Yeah I know," he whispers. His hand grazes her cheek and his lips cover hers. It's soft and sweet, almost like an apology. Everything happens for a reason but there's so much he wishes he could change. Olivia sighs contently into the kiss and his tongue drives deeper into her mouth. Using every bit of control he can muster, he manages to keep his hand still on her thigh. They continue to kiss, only breaking away for a few seconds to catch their breaths.

There is nothing better than this. Than her. The feel of her against him. He knows he has to end this soon before his body starts working on autopilot. He swears he can feel the hardness of her nipples graze against his chest. The hand that rests on her thigh begins to move upwards cupping her ass and pulling her into the warmth of his body. Olivia deepens the kiss and he is lost. He needs this. Needs her. It may be too soon but the sounds she makes, the way she feels against him. It has to be right.

"Liv," he groans when her fingers dance on the edge of his shirt. If she touches him anywhere, he's done. She has the power to completely unravel him. She always has. In an instant his mind catches up with him and he's weighed down by their history. By everything that he's held back for so long. Suddenly he can't breathe. "Liv, wait."

Olivia pulls back immediately, her dark eyes glazed in both confusion and lust.

His eyes slam shut. He can't look at her. Not when he says it. "I have to tell you something."

She recoils immediately expecting the worst and he grabs her hand to stop her. "No no it's nothing like-I just have to say-"

Shit. Just say it.

"What is it?"

The concern in her voice kills him and when he opens his eyes again he sees the picture on her end table behind her for the first time. It's of her and Noah and it makes his heart ache even more. What he has to say it needs to come out right or it will make him seem like an even bigger son of a bitch. A thought that he has only kept in the back of his mind, not even admitting it to his therapist. Never speaking the words out loud.

"El tell me what it is please."

Sitting up, he places his hands in his lap. "I need you to know I love my son."

Olivia settles in beside him, still not saying anything while he searches for the right way to say this. "Eli. I love him more than anything."

"I know that," she answers in confusion.

His palm digs into the crevice of his eyes as he pushes through. She has to know. "I love him but I just need you to know that there's not a day that goes by-that...that I don't wish I would've gone to you that night instead of Kathy," he says his voice beginning to falter but he recovers. "Not a day goes by that I don't wish he was ours. That you were his mother."

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Yikes...yep we are not ignoring any history. We are going to cover it all. Thanks for all the amazing feedback on the story so far and for being so patient with the updates. I really appreciate it.


	16. Chapter 16

_Not a day goes by that I don't wish he was ours. That you were his mother._

The world is spinning around her at an uncontrollable pace. His words, the center of an emotional storm all around her. His touch is like rain. His pained expression like the wind. His confession like thunder.

Being the mother of his child.

In the depths of her mind it was the one dream that she never allowed herself to ponder too long. The guilt of wanting such a thing was overwhelming. Motherhood was something she wanted for so long. No one knew that more than him. And there was no one she wanted to be the father of her child more than him. She wanted him to protect their son or daughter the way he protected her. Fierce and unrelenting. But then the long shot of that dream was destroyed that one fateful day.

There are times in her life that will forever be etched in her memory. Some good, some bad but all unforgettable. She remembers exactly where she was and what she was wearing when her mom told her she was a child of rape. She remembers walking into Cragen's office on that cold December day when she was told her mother had an accident and died. She remembers the moment and the feeling in her heart when she stood at the end of the stairs watching while Noah was brought to her and rocking him in the old wooden chair in the foster home. And she remembers being in the drafty courthouse awaiting the news if she would be called to testify when Elliot uttered those two devastating words.

 _Kathy's pregnant._

She took a deep breath. Hiding her true feelings as best she could. The look on his face when she asked him what he was going to do she remembers as well. Despite the professional turmoil surrounding her, the news that he had another baby on the way with his soon to be ex-wife had drained any fight she had left. In a way, she had been almost grateful for the three month suspension she was handed because it gave her the physical distance from him that she so desperately needed.

She cut her hair, took a boring trip to the beach, cleaned excess clutter from her apartment and spent every second trying to rid herself of any further romantic thoughts about her partner. His confession about Kathy's pregnancy and inevitable return home confirmed that she was wrong about whatever she thought was brewing between them. But maybe she wasn't….after all this time…

"Liv?" Elliot asks, timidly placing his hand on her knee. "Are you okay?"

She shakes her head wiping away moisture on her face that may or may not be tears.

"Are you sure?" He whispers and she almost feels sorry for him. The whirlwind in her head is matching the anguish in his voice.

Olivia places her hand over his and squeezes gently. "I'm okay I just…" She exhales, tightening her grip around his hand hoping the words will come to her. "It's just... I didn't expect you to say that."

"I didn't either," he smiles halfheartedly, his thumb brushing her knuckles lightly. "I guess I just thought..shit since we were telling each other stuff now that you deserved to know that. It's something I've been keeping to myself for too long. But I couldn't..I couldn't say anything before."

Before.

Before when fate decided to put her in the car with Kathy and they got into a horrific accident. She had been genuinely frightened for Kathy's life because she knew it would kill him to lose her and the baby. So she put everything aside again and focused. A talent that she had quietly thanked a higher power for over the years. The ability to push love, emotions and jealousy away when it was necessary. She helped to save his wife's life and was the first to hold their son in the back of an ambulance when Kathy lose consciousness. As she watched the lines on the monitor flatline, she held on to Eli so tight.

This little boy that was half Elliot. Although she was devastated when she first heard about the pregnancy, when she held his son in her arms it had all gone away. His soft cries, his little body wrapped in foil pressed against hers. For a moment, she felt a bond with him when he was laid against her chest. She had soothed him, constantly reassuring him that it would be okay. They would all be okay. One way or another.

"I know you couldn't," she assures him, the tiniest crack present in her voice. Too many questions are on the tip of her tongue and she didn't know which order to ask. Should she even ask them? But he's the one who brought this up so if he could get something off his chest so could she. "Why didn't you?" She asks weakly. "Why didn't you come to me?"

Elliot let's out a deep breath, closing the last small fraction of space between them. "The same reason I always held back when it came to you. I was scared out of my mind. Confused," he explains swiping away at invisible sweat on his forehead. "My mind was a fuckin' mess after that situation with Royce and-"

Olivia drops his hand, her palms kneading at her thighs. The Malcolm Royce case. She knew it. Those nights when she laid in bed mercilessly calculating when it could've happened. He had told her he was going back home before that and she accepted it. But after his announcement especially when he was helping her sort out the mess with Simon there was a shift with them. He stopped mentioning going back home and they changed. They stayed late at the precinct eating dinner and talking over paperwork that could've waited until the morning. He came to pick her up for work and dropped her off when he didn't have to. They laughed together and enjoyed each other's company. She felt they were on the edge of something new, much like they are now. But with one visit to the squad room, Kathy's news changed everything.

"It was Royce. I knew it." She drops her head into her hands.

"Liv?" Reaching for her hand again, he tries to get her attention. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry," she whispers, the tears sliding down her face past her nose.

"Yes I do. Everything could've been different if I would've-"

Olivia raises her head, dislodging his hand in the process. "Stop. Just-stop."

It's too much. All of it. The road not traveled. The fork in the broken road. They had gone in two separate directions. The thoughts of what could've been were enough to bring her to her knees and she couldn't give in to that. Because she's convinced none of those roads with Elliot back then would've lead to Noah now. And that's a path she can't allow herself to fathom.

She rubs his arm and lays her head on his shoulder. "It all worked out the way it was supposed to. I have to believe that and so do you."

It takes him an extra second to contemplate her words before his lips curl up in a sad smile. "Yeah you're right."

Her line of sight goes to the toybox against the wall that her son never seems to remember to put his toys in and his eyes follow her. He lets out a low chuckle, nodding his head slightly. Message received. "You're right," he repeats. Lifting her hand, his lips graze across her knuckles.

Olivia lowers her forehead and he meets her halfway. Their history is a long and complicated one. Moments and events she wishes she could do over, some that maybe should've stayed the same.

"Would you...if I would've come to you that night. Would you have..?"

He doesn't need to finish the sentence. She knows exactly what he means. Would she have taken the chance on their romantic relationship? Would she have sacrificed the only stable partnership she had for a chance to be with him and possibly one day be the mother of his child? Would she have made love to him?

"Yes."

His eyes screw shut at her answer. The raw emotion of a decision he didn't make scratching his skin bare. Elliot doesn't respond. Instead his lips drop to her forehead, his arm circling her waist. The atmosphere of lust a few minutes before has evaporated. Instead replaced with the weight of their loaded past. But this time it didn't drive them apart or translate into uncomfortable silence. The silence between them now was inviting and comforting in a way it hadn't been before. Words uttered and washed off in waves of new beginnings. They wouldn't ever be that Benson and Stabler again. The partners with a degree of mutual reliance and emotional dependence that compromised their effectiveness as police officers.

Instead they would be something much more.

* * *

The next couple of days Olivia went to her scheduled appointment with Dr Lindstrom, a parent's activity at Noah's daycare in addition to working as much as possible to find the other suspects in the Sandoval murder. Her schedule equated to a broken dinner date with Elliot but he was very understanding. After the talk at her apartment, they had agreed to take things step by step and see how it went. She assumes the official term was dating but she was reluctant to put a label on anything these days.

She didn't know what "dating" Elliot would be like or what to expect, but she was pleasantly surprised when he ordered her Chinese takeout the night before when she ended up working late. He had it delivered to her apartment just a few minutes after she arrived home.

Thankfully his admission hadn't created an uneasiness between them. If anything, it opened the door even wider in terms of their communication. Something they had been doing often whenever she could find the time in her hectic schedule. He still hadn't met Noah yet but after talking to her therapist she was done over thinking the situation.

 _Don't stress yourself out Olivia. There's no right or wrong answer to when it's time to introduce your son to someone in your life. Trust your instincts. You will know when it's the right time._

She would know.

As with everything with her and Elliot there was a time and place. Speaking of time, Olivia settles into her desk, nervously checking her watch as the clock approaches lunchtime. It was just a few hours ago when she was taken by surprise and received a call from Maureen asking if she could meet her and Kathleen for lunch. The excuses were on the tip of her tongue and because she's definitely her father's daughter, Maureen beat her to the punch by making sure it was a place nearby and would be really quick.

Considering the circumstances under which she saw Maureen last she had every right to be nervous but she swallowed her angst and accepted the invitation.

"Great," Maureen had exclaimed clapping her hands together. "We will see you then."

It was only ten minutes until she was going to meet them across the street but she had become restless. Grabbing her coat, she shuts down her laptop and walks towards the door when she almost literally runs into Ed.

"Hey you leaving?" He asks although the answer is evident.

Olivia sighs, briefly looking down to the jacket and purse in her hands. "Yeah looks like it."

Ed exhales, his arms swinging back and forth nervously and she decides to put him out of his misery. "I have a minute or two to spare," she states and steps back into the office, shutting the door. "What's on your mind?"

The furrow in his brow eases a little. "Well I had a visit yesterday."

Olivia stiffens, a ball twisting in her gut. Dear God no.

"From Chief Dodds."

She closes her eyes in relief. For a second she thought it was Elliot. "Oh really how did that go?"

"How it always goes. The usual him asking around about things that's none of his business but he seemed to be pretty interested in the whole me and you going to his retirement party together."

"Unbelievable," she groans, setting her purse in the guest chair. "He really needs to find something else to do with his time."

"Yeah well. I was about to tell him that I wasn't sure if I was even still going or if we were going together but I could see that would just lead to more invasive questions."

"Don't bother trying to get out of it. I already alluded to not being able to attend and got shut down. And if you said we weren't going together all of a sudden he would've just been nosey about it and ask in a roundabout way what happened and it's not for him to know."

"Yeah and I know how you are about that kind of stuff," he comments partnering the sarcastic remark with an eye roll.

Olivia bristles but quickly regains her ground. "So did you come all the way down here to be a smart ass or was there something you actually wanted to tell me?"

His mouth presses into a thin line, the regret evident in his shoulders. "Look I'm sorry. I just wanted to tell you that and just suggest that we still go together...you know just to keep the rumor mill down."

Sometimes she really hated being a female in the department. She had gone to one function with Dodds and saw how people whispered including her own team. It shouldn't have mattered what people thought but it was the real world and she didn't have another viable option. If she didn't go with Ed she would have to go by herself or maybe she could bring...no. It was too soon for that. Especially if Ed was going to be there.

"I'll see. I just don't know if it wouldn't be weird with you know...everything."

"Look I know we ended things," Ed begins, shuffling a little closer to her. "But I hope we can still be friends."

"I don't know how that works," she shrugs. "We were never really friends before y'know? But I would like us to still be able to be cordial with each other. It doesn't have to be weird"

There is a quick knock on the door before Carisi opens it. "Hey Lieutenant you have a visitor here." He steps back and Maureen walks up to the entrance to her office.

"Hey," she looks at Olivia fidgeting with her hands nervously. "I hope it's okay that I showed up here. I figured we could walk over together."

Maureen's eyes quickly shift over to the other person in the room and Olivia feels the change in her demeanor almost instantly.

Ed stills, his eyes casting down.

She looks back and forth between them for a moment before her manners step in. "Maureen this is Captain Ed-"

"Tucker," Maureen interrupts. "We've met before."

"Yes we have," he smiles although it doesn't quite meet his eyes. "I met Maureen when her dad came to the office to sign his retirement papers and drop off his gun."

"Oh." She had no idea that Maureen was present for that conversation. The chilly reception she gave him now made more sense.

"It's nice to see you again," he extends his hand attempting to be polite.

Maureen shakes Ed's hand giving him a strained smile, much like the one he had given her a few seconds before.

"Well I guess I better get going then," he announces walking towards the door. He turns back to Olivia looking past Maureen. "See you later. Think about what I said."

"I will."

Olivia watches him walk away and turns around to grab her purse when she notices the look of disdain on Maureen's face. "You ok?"

"Yeah I'm fine," she lies and Olivia smiles at the pout on her face, the hunched shoulders and the darkening of her blue eyes. She's so much like her father.

"I can tell. Come on," she places her hand on the Maureen's back guiding her toward the door. "We can talk about it over lunch."

Thirty minutes into the meal and they've gotten past the awkward hugs, small talk and settled into a more comfortable space. Olivia showed them pictures of Noah and beamed when talking about his favorite toys and books. Both Kathleen and Maureen manage to update her about school and work respectively and even a little glimpse into their dating lives. Olivia watches them both in awe and can't believe it's been five years since she's seen them. They seem like two different people. Maureen had gone through the normal young adult angst and had grown into a well adjusted woman despite everything that was going on around her. It was Kathleen she had worried more about considering her past but one look at her when they approached the tables to sit down and she knew she was still taking her meds and was coping well with her illness.

"So what was Ed Tucker doing in your office? He's not coming after your job too is he? Because if he is-" Maureen asks and Olivia holds up her hand to stop her.

"No no, it's nothing like that at all."

"Oh." Her defensive posture relaxes and she brightens back up. "Well that's good to hear."

Yep. She is definitely her father's daughter.

Olivia takes a bite of her salad, glancing down at her phone. Out of the corner of her eye she can see the two girls exchanging looks and knows that it's about her

She had watched them grown up, been in their lives and listened to their dad express both his joy and frustrations with them over the years. Instead of being closed off when it comes to talking about anything personal, she gives into the feeling of ease and familiarity she has being around his daughters.

"Ok," Olivia sits back in her chair, crosses her legs and sets the phone back down on the table. "Go ahead and ask what you want to ask."

Maureen and Kathleen look at each other and then clasp their hands on the table almost simultaneously. "Thank you for this," Kathleen says excitedly. "Look we will just cut to the chase. I know that you and Dad have not talked to each other and that he wasn't there for you through some...stuff," she looks down.

"You're doing a great job selling this," Maureen cuts in earning a nudge in the elbow from her sister. Olivia laughs at the exchange.

Leaning across the table, Kathleen continues. "I'm just trying to say I know that you two have been through a lot both separately and together but I want you to know that he cares about you so much. He always has and always will."

"I think what my sister is so eloquently trying to say is that we aren't trying to meddle in whatever is going on and we want you to know that all of us are supportive and on board with whatever happens with the two of you," Maureen explains.

"Fully supportive," Kathleen adds.

Olivia sucks in her bottom lip trying to stop from giggling at the two grown women across from her that look as if they are trying to explain why they came in late from a date to their parents.

"I appreciate that and that's good to hear." Reaching across the table, she places her palm over both of their hands and squeezes gently.

"So does that mean you guys are going to hook up?" Kathleen asks and Maureen slaps her on the arm. "Oww what? You know you want to know too."

"Be mature for once," Maureen rolls her eyes. "And just so you know she doesn't mean hook up in the traditional sense because you don't have to tell us that but just if you guys are going to try and date or something."

"Well thanks for the clarification," she chuckles. "But I guess we are just taking it day by day and seeing where it's going. We've got some stuff to work out but ultimately we want to be in each other's lives and no matter what happens at the very least you guys should know that you aren't going to get rid of me. I'm going to be always be around ok?"

They both shake their head and Olivia almost loses her composure when she sees tears brimming Kathleen's eyes.

"I hate to break this up but I have to get back to the office." Standing up, she takes the check from Maureen's hands. "This one is on me. You guys stay and keep gossiping about me and your dad. I'll take care of this."

They both stand up and hug her goodbye. "Thanks for everything Liv," Maureen says while giving her a hug. "By the way we meant what we said," she whispers in her ear. "Everyone is on board. Including mom."

Olivia steps back, looking into Maureen's eyes and sees the sincerity in her expression. Kathy. It was her reaction that was also nagging in the back of her brain.

"I promise," Maureen adds reading the uncertainty on Olivia's face. She nods in response, unable to speak past the knot in her throat.

"Have a good rest of your day. We will call you soon to go shopping or something," Kathleen calls out to her.

"Sounds good. I actually have a stupid work party thing this weekend I haven't bought a dress for so maybe you two can help me find something."

"Looking forward to it," Maureen agrees.

Olivia smiles at them both and heads for the exit. After paying the check she pulls out her phone again. There are five text messages from a nervous Elliot who knew about her lunch date with his kids.

 _Everything ok?_

Olivia walks out the door, the view of the precinct just ahead. She takes a deep breath and relaxes before responding back to him.

 _Yes. Everything is just fine._


	17. Chapter 17

**Author's Note: Dream sequence is in Italics. Also keep in mind when reading this that people aren't magically cured from traumatic events when they happen. It takes time and there are setbacks but trust her….and me.**

Elliot puts the final touches on the spaghetti sauce, closing the lid to the pot to let it finish cooking. The garlic bread is on the counter waiting to go into the oven and he's already finished preparing the salad. Liz suggested they all gather at his place for dinner and he was excited to be entertaining all of his children at once. Rarely did this occur between the older kids' busy schedules and his custody arrangement with Kathy in regards to Eli.

"Dad what do you want me to help with?" an eager Eli asks with a determined look on his face. HIs days of sitting in front of the TV distracted by cartoons were behind him and he was beginning to take on more "grown up" tasks as he referred to them. He was also becoming more aware of everything that happened around him, an observation not lost on his father and he made sure to watch everything he said and did around him.

"I don't know buddy maybe you can put some butter on the garlic bread for me?"

"Got it," he agrees, opening the fridge to pull out the butter. Eli grabs the knife and is about to grab a piece of the bread.

"Hey Hey. Hands," Elliot corrects him in a half playful half serious tone.

Eli walks to the sink and his dad slaps him on the back with a dishtowel. "Ow! My hands are clean."

"Yeah I bet. Rule number 1. Always wash your hands when you are joining Chef Stabler in the kitchen or anyone for that matter."

"Yeah yeah. You sound like mom now." Squeezing twice on the soap bottle, he washes his hands and holds them up to Elliot for inspection.

"Alright looks good to me."

While they prepare the rest of the food, Elliot's mind wanders to Olivia which is commonplace these days. He was scared after his confession to her about what happened nine years ago. The night the little boy now standing next to him was conceived. He didn't know what kind of reaction he would get from her. Her tears and anger he expected but got something completely different. Her understanding. Their journey was a long and complicated one to say the least. In the past everything between them seemed like an insurmountable hill too steep and full of obstacles that neither could climb. Now everything seemed different. Easier.

To no one's surprise, her schedule had kept them apart for the last few days because she had caught a break in her case. Something he knew about all too well. The lunch with her and the girls had gone well and he was thankful for that. Kathy asked him about Olivia and he kept his answers pretty vague so far but he was concerned the kids would fill her in sooner rather than later. It was important to him that he and his ex continue to get along for the kids sake so he knew once everything was more serious with Olivia he would tell her himself. He wanted to give Olivia time to handle her main priorities which was getting herself together and focusing on balancing work and motherhood. Going to the next level was important to him but he waited all this time, he could wait as long as she needed to.

"Daddy what's this? Denver Airport on July-" Eli asks, the butter on his hands greasing the edges of the post it note.

"That," he takes the paper from him. "Is something for work. Hands off."

"You goin' to Denver?"

Elliot takes in his son's inquisitive expression and looks into his blue eyes, the one physical trait that is so undeniably a copy of him.

"No I don't think so," he pats his shoulder. "Not this time."

Eli's smile is instant. "Ok good."

"Now finish up with the bread. How much longer is it going to take hunh?"

Forty five minutes later he is at the dinner table listening intently while his kids minus Maureen bicker back and forth and talk over one another.

"You are such a moron sometimes," Liz teases Dick and he kicks her under the table.

"Ok ok enough," Elliot chides and they keep going as if they didn't hear him.

Kathleen rolls her eyes and leans toward him. "Sometimes I wonder why you and mom didn't use birth control."

"I heard that," Dick remarks and Eli giggles at all of them while twirling pasta on to his fork.

Elliot chuckles while looking at his watch. They are almost halfway through dinner. "It's getting a little late where's your sister?"

"She's picking up Olivia's dress. She should be here soon," Kathleen answers nonchalantly and continues eating.

"What dress?"

As she begins to answer, he hears a knock on the door. "Come in."

Maureen stumbles in with a few shopping bags and her purse hanging off her shoulder. "So sorry I'm late."

"Why didn't you use your key?"

His eldest daughter gives him a knowing glance that causes his lips to press in a thin line while Kathleen giggles into her glass of Diet Coke.

"Well come have a seat there is plenty left."

Settling into her chair, she begins to reach around the table putting a little of everything onto her plate while everyone continues to talk.

Elliot let's her get settled and take a few bites of food before he starts asking questions. They had gone to lunch and he heard the girls saying something about going shopping but he also knew how busy Olivia had been the past few days. He was surprised she had found the time to go.

"So shopping go ok?" He asks trying to not sound so eager for information.

"Yeah I just dropped the dress off to her at the station that's what took me so long," Maureen answers shoving a piece of garlic bread in her mouth.

"Dropped it off?"

"Yeah she's been busy and didn't have time to go with me. But I sent her pictures of a couple and we decided on this one together."

"We hunh? You probably picked the one you wanted," Kathleen clarifies.

"I did not," she lied. "Ok maybe I did but it's perfect. It's red and silver so we need to make sure your handkerchief in your suit pocket is silver so the two of you will match."

 _What? What formal event was she going to?_

"Yeah we can make sure," he responds faintly and decides not to ask any more questions while all of the kids were there.

Later, Maureen is in the kitchen washing dishes while the twins offer to take Eli home. A few hugs and goodbyes later he's left in the apartment with his two oldest daughters.

"I'm going to get ready to head out too I guess." Kathleen kisses him on the cheek and heads out the door avoiding Maureen's glares for not helping her clean up.

"I swear between you and Liv you guys are keeping me busy." She rinses the last plate and sets it in on the dishtowel on the counter.

"Why didn't you tell me about this party you two were going to Saturday? You know you can't be trusted to dress yourself especially at some fancy shindig with all these cops, lawyers and firefighters."

 _Cops, lawyers and firefighters._ His mind begins to wander thinking about what he has to do this weekend. She never mentioned anything and he was hoping to take her out for a date. "Oh shit," he mumbles aloud.

"Yeah dad you better be lucky that I didn't tell Kathleen and Liz the details. All those eligible hunks in there they probably would've wanted to go too," Maureen continues completely oblivious to his increasing panic.

Elliot pulls out his phone and begins to scroll through the text messages from Pippa over the past week. The communication had been spotty at best. Yes, it was a formal event but when they talked about it originally she mentioned it being a lawyer's party and he thought it was on Friday. Or was he the one that said that. He goes through the messages and confirms that the event they discussed was Saturday. It has to be the same one.

"Shit," he curses again scratching his forehead. Everything had been going so fast lately he hadn't even had a chance to mention to Olivia that he was still on the hook for taking Pippa to this party. It was only a couple of days away and it would be shitty to cancel but then again he wasn't going to risk doing anything that would put his relationship with Olivia in jeopardy or cause any kind of strife.

"Dad?" Maureen moves closer to him when she sees him frantically scrolling through his phone. "What's wrong?"

This isn't a big deal, he tells himself. It's a little mixup. It should be easy to fix. No use in getting worked up over nothing.

"Everything's fine sweetheart." Elliot kisses her forehead, patting her arm reassuringly. "Thanks for cleaning up after dinner."

"No problem."

She heads for the door still eyeing him curiously. "Have fun dad and don't forget to let me know if you need help with your suit or anything."

Elliot gives her a tight lipped smile and waves goodbye. If things don't go as planned, he will be needing help with much more.

* * *

" _There you go. Time to wake up Sergeant. Oh yeah I forgot it's Lieutenant now."_

 _Olivia looks around disoriented. No, no, no this couldn't be happening. Not again. She knows this voice. It's him. No he's dead it can't be him._

 _Blood is dripping from her lip, her head pounds in pain. There's no duck tape over her mouth this time but she can't seem to find her voice. Everything hurts._

" _Come on get up. I miss looking in those gorgeous brown eyes. Plus me and you are going to have some fun."_

 _The strong smell of something burning fills the air. When she hears muffled cries she gasps in panic._

 _Noah._

" _Don't worry don't worry. I have someone back there taking care of the little tot. He's pretty cute."_

" _No, God no," she finally croaks out. Her throat is dry and her lungs burn with the effort to speak. Not Noah._

" _Don't worry," he taunts her again. His voice is closer and she can see the outline of his tall frame but his face doesn't appear. "I have my good friend Mr. Utley in there taking care of him. He better shut up all that crying though or…"_

 _Closing her eyes, she tries to catch her breath. "Please just-" She wants to offer herself up. He could kill her, rape her anything he wants to do as long as he doesn't hurt Noah._

" _Just what?" His silhouette is right in front of her, the stench of vodka from his breath permeating the air she is breathing. But still she can't see the details of his face. Those brown irises she looked into on more than one occasion when she begged for her life._

" _I'll do anything," she pleads, repeating the same words from when he held her captive the first time. But this time there is much more at stake. Her son. She's all he has in the world. Without her he goes back into foster care and she promised she would always be there for him. She can't let him down._

" _Please," she chokes through tears. Her vision blurry from the onslaught of liquid pooling. She's got to do something. "Do whatever you want to do to me just don't-"_

" _Oh I plan to. But there's just one problem." Lewis pauses and she hears some stifled movement on the other side of the living room near the door. "What are we going to do with him?"_

 _The remaining tears fall from her eyes dripping onto the blood stained carpet. Struggling to focus on the figure in the distance she sees there is someone else there. The figure is stiff. Unmoving._

 _Lewis gives him one swift kick and immediately his eyes jolt open. That familiar shade of blue that she's seen so many times before._

" _Elliot! Don't please," she screams. Instantly she hears her son's wails from the other room._

 _A click of a gun and her heart begins to pound in her chest. "Say goodbye to your boyfriend," he taunts her, the gun aiming right at Elliot's head._

" _Joe bring that brat in here," Lewis yells. "I want him to watch this."_

 _Olivia fights against her restraints as the unmistakable sound of Noah's cries get closer._

" _Don't please," she begs, her face pointed towards the ground. The restraints have no give and she feels them digging into her skin and the blood trickling down but she doesn't care. She's got to do something. Anything._

 _They don't deserve to pay the price for Lewis' sick vendetta towards her._

" _Hey look this way," he jeers. Instead of looking at him, her eyes lock with Elliot's. He has a black eye and blood running down his face where he was struck with the gun. "Sayonara." His fingers squeeze the trigger clicks and Elliot's eyes go wide._

 _A phone rings in the distance._

" _Nooooooooooooooooo!" she screams._

Olivia jolts up from the bed. Sweat lines her forehead, her chest heaving struggling to catch her breath. Looking around, she tries to figure out where she is. Bunk beds, brick wall. The cribs. It was a dream. She must've fallen asleep. He's not here. Confused, she massages her forehead willing the images and sounds of a crying Noah and wounded Elliot to disappear from her head. Beside her the phone continues to ring displaying Elliot's name. Clutching the phone to her chest, she continues to gaze around the room.

Work. She's at work. It's okay. Everything's okay.

She begins to try and piece together the last thing she remembers. It was talking to the two suspects in the Sandoval murder. Her and Fin had gone at them for hours. The first one was timid but kept his lie straight at first claiming he was babysitting his son and his girlfriend could vouch for him. It took awhile but his story began to crack.

The other one practically laughed in her face. He had an answer for everything and taunted her while she used every interrogation technique she knew. She had been mentally drained and just when she thought there was nothing left to give, he laughed when she showed him pictures of Pilar's battered body.

No remorse. No emotion. A twisted monster.

Just like William Lewis.

The phone begins to ring again and without looking at it, she knows it's Elliot again. Swinging her legs off the bed, she places her feet on the floor. She needs to be on solid. Placing her head in her hands, she tries to regulate her breathing. She can't talk to him like this. Not while she's still so wound up. A second later she hears the voicemail notification.

Olivia stands up, stretches and her eyes lock on to the garment hanging from the door. The dress Maureen dropped off earlier. She had been hesitant about having her pick out a dress for her that she hadn't seen but she just didn't have the time to do it herself. Maureen was young and stylish so she had no choice but to trust her instincts especially since she had a suspect sitting on ice waiting for her in interrogation.

She takes a few steps over to the water fountain and splashes a little on her face while pressing the button to listen to Elliot's message. The second she hears the low timbre of his voice, her eyes screw shut and she feels more serene.

 _Hey Liv just checkin on you and wanted to ask you a question. Give me a call when you get a chance….I miss you._

The words wash over her and causes her heart to ache just a little. The thought of anything happening to Noah or to him is too much to even fathom.

Taking a deep breath, Olivia presses the button to call him back.

"Hey," Elliot answers on the first ring. His voice is like immediate zen. Settling her down and bringing her more into the present.

"Hey," she replies exhaling into the phone.

"Everything ok?"

"Yeah I fell asleep at the station but I'm about to head home." Olivia pulls the dress from the door and her bag. Grabbing her keys, she begins to make her way down the tiny hall leading away from the cribs. "The interrogation went long but we finally got one of the guys to crack and roll over on the other."

Elliot lets out a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness. I know you've been working on that case for awhile."

"Yeah."

Olivia waves goodbye to Dodds who always manages to stay late and gets into the elevator. Watching the lights steady descend towards the second floor where she's parked, she notices he's still quiet on the other end. "El?"

"Yeah. Sorry. Umm Maureen mentioned you have a thing this Saturday that she got the dress for."

Dammit.

Her eyes slam shut, hands gripping the phone. It didn't even dawn on her to mention the party to Elliot. Moreso, she didn't mention that she originally planned to go with Ed. Dammit, she didn't want to deal with this right now. Not tonight. The timing couldn't be worse. The dream is still in the back of her mind, her heart rate just returning to normal.

"I have this retirement party for Dodds on Saturday. I committed to going awhile ago and with everything I just forgot to tell you."

"Oh."

Exhausted, she turns the key into the car door, opens it and throws her bag and purse on to the seat. Instead of starting the car immediately, she leans against the headrest massaging her temples.

"I'm sorry I should've said something."

"S'ok but uhh I actually made plans to go too," he admits uncomfortably.

Olivia jerks her head up, her hand falling away and landing at her side. This wasn't going to end well. She didn't want to go with him and have to answer a ton of questions. But if she was being honest with herself she didn't feel like going with Ed either. At least with him there was no pressure. They were now colleagues and nothing more. The prospect of going alone was feeling more and more enticing. "Elliot that's a nice offer but I think it's a little soon for us to go together don't you think."

Elliot sighs and she prepares for his anger and disappointment. "Not with you. I mean I would like to go with you but I understand that it's too soon but-shit," he huffs in frustration.

"El?"

"I told Pippa I would take her."

Olivia swallows harshly trying to reconcile his words. Initially and purely irrationally she can feel the anger bubbling up inside of her. He and Pippa were supposed to be over. How could he bring her to her work function? How often were they still talking? And why hadn't Pippa mentioned anything when they were in her office talking? Dodds mentioned the party then and she didn't say a word about taking Elliot. So much for her being mature about the situation. Vaguely she hears Elliot attempting to explain over her own unreasonable thoughts. She was going to go with Ed so she didn't have a right to be mad. But she was.

"Olivia?"

The trepidation in his voice brings her back to Earth. To reality. God help her she wants to throw some sort of stupid tantrum and yell out that he's hers but she promised that she would give herself some time. Give them time.

"It's fine Elliot," she says dismissively and starts the car engine. She needs to get home and she needs to relax. It's really a glass of wine she wants and maybe she will indulge in just one glass.

"Really?" He asks surprised.

"Yeah I can't say I'm super happy about it but Pippa has been pretty civil about everything so..."

At least she hopes so. It still doesn't sit well that Pippa didn't bring it up when she had a chance to but she's hoping it's not worse than it seems.

"We can all go together if you want."

"Yeah because that's not awkward at all," she rolls her eyes. "Besides like I said I had already made plans to go so I have-"

"You've got to be fuckin kiddin me," he snarls. "You're going with Tucker?"

Olivia closes her eyes for a quick second remembering to keep her eyes on the road and focus.

"You're going with Pippa."

"So this is tit for tat?"

"No. No it's not I-". Once again she's at a loss for words and can't concentrate. Rolling down the window, she tries to let a little air in to help her breathe.

 _Don't worry. I have someone back there taking care of the tot._

"Look El I can't argue with you about this tonight ok?"

The raging headache is back. The words in her head. She just needs to go home or somewhere.

"Not tonight so then when?" Before she can answer he's talking again. "Look I'm asking you not to go with him. Don't do this. Go with anyone but him you know what that fucker put me through I can't stand to watch you with him all night."

 _I'll do anything. Please don't._

She jerks at the memory of the sound of a gunshot echoing in her brain.

"Elliot! I have to go." The call is ended before he has a chance for rebuttal. She pulls the car to a stop at the corner. With the window down the unmistakable stench of trash on the street mixed with old beer bottles and Chinese food filters into the car. Olivia turns off the ignition and scrubs her hand down her face giving herself a chance to settle down. It's been years. She just wants to be over it. Over it all. Despite lecturing victims through the years about the time it takes for recovery, she's still frustrated with herself.

A car horn breaks her from her thoughts. Her gaze shifts to the broken neon sign that hangs off the brick wall. "Maloneys". A bar she knows well.

The patrons wander in and out. Their loud belligerent laughter echoing in the almost empty streets. It's getting late. She should get home and put Noah to bed. But the thought of those eyes she looked into tonight during interrogation, a couple of months ago at the Townhouse and a couple of years ago when she was held captive are etched into her memory. Tonight not even the sight of her son is enough to chase away the images. Images of those and many more that victimize people for any reason or just no reason at all.

It's that fact that causes her to unlock the door, grab her purse and walk in.


	18. Chapter 18

"How many drinks did you have?" Dr. Lindstrom asks, his hands clasped in front of him observing every nuance of her posture.

Olivia exhales, the feeling of guilt and setback overwhelming. "One or two beers."

"That's all?"

She shrugs, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion. "Yeah that's it."

"What else did you do?"

Her first thought was to challenge him on his comment but over their years together she has grown to trust him and his methods. They are going somewhere with this so she resists her natural instinct to fight back and goes along for the ride. "I sat for a little while and people watched. There was a basketball game or something on but I didn't want to watch that so I just...chilled out."

Dr. Lindstrom chuckles and sits back in his oversized brown leather chair. "Chilled out? I don't think I've ever heard you use that term before. That's new."

He's right. She laughs at her interesting choice of words. "I don't know another way to describe it. I just needed a change of scenery. Being at home just reminded me of…"

"It reminded you of the dream."

She nods her head. "I just needed air. So I just played some mindless game on my phone, sipped on a beer and dodged Elliot's phone calls all night."

"Hmm," he appraises her. "Still haven't talked to Elliot?"

"No. I sent him a text letting him know that I was okay because I didn't want him to worry and knew he would. But we haven't talked."

"What did you do when you got home?"

Leaning her head back slightly, she recollects the rest of the events of last night. "I peeked in on Noah, sat in his room for a little bit. That calms me," she explains and he nods his understanding. "Took a long bath, tossed and turned for a bit and then finally went to sleep."

"And that's it?"

"Should there have been more?"

"No no," he quickly reassures her. "But I want you to notice something. You said you had one maybe two beers. You came home and did all the things that relax you. A bath, sitting in your sons room. All things that are perfectly logical and perfectly healthy."

Olivia listens intently. She had been so busy beating herself up she didn't think about it that way. "But the drinking," she counters. "It was the first thing I thought of to do to relax me and clear my head of everything."

Her body language changes, an internal shudder radiating up her spine thinking about the nightmare yesterday.

"It was but that doesn't make you an alcoholic or mean you have a problem. You have a stressful job Olivia. I know people who have a glass of wine everyday and they don't deal with a quarter of what you do. Instead of focusing on that why not look at what you did right? If you would've come home and drank a bottle or two of wine on top of what you drank at the bar then we would be having a different conversation but you didn't. You came home and did what made you comfortable and calmed your mind which is exactly what we have been working on," he explains with a hint of a smile evident in his eyes. "You're doing good Olivia. Much better than you think you are."

Someday she hopes she will be able to stop being hard on herself. She's just not sure when.

"Remember what I said about chasing perfection?"

Olivia's lip curls up in a half smile and she shakes her head, reaching for her buzzing phone.

"Work?"

"Always." She presses the side button to stop the vibration.

"Our time is almost up anyway but I want to ask you one more thing," he begins and she can tell by his body language it's going to be something she doesn't agree with. He's been treating her long enough to know when she won't be open to one of his suggestions. "Your nightmares. Have you thought about discussing them with Elliot?"

Her eyes go wide, her body frozen. _No._ She doesn't want to bring him into that darkness.

"No I haven't," she answers simply. When he doesn't respond she continues. "I don't want to talk about what happened to me anymore. I'm tired of repeating the stories to attorneys and IAB and even to you."

"Olivia I didn't say go down memory lane of the specifics of your assault. Although if you get serious with him it's a conversation I recommend down the line." The statement alone makes her want to cry. She doesn't want him to know. Not now not ever. "But what I'm talking about is just the nightmare. He was a part of it. I'm not a dream interpreter but I think that nightmare signifies your past coming into direct conflict with your present. And what appears to be your future. You're afraid of someone hurting your child and the man you love. It's ok for you to tell him that," he explains in the most gentle way possible feeling that he may have come closer to convincing her than he thought. She doesn't bother to deny the comment he made about Elliot being the man she loves. She's never told him that but Elliot's name has come up enough times over the years for him to ascertain where he stands in her mind and her heart. "Just think about it. I think it would go a long way in helping you with the nightmares. Ok?"

Olivia stands up, gathers her phone and purse and shakes his hand. "Ok I will."

* * *

Elliot mindlessly flips through the channels on television trying whatever he can to keep himself distracted. If he stops, even for a second there will be a permanent playback of every word of his disagreement with Olivia last night.

Thankfully he managed to get through picking up Eli from Kathy's and taking him to school without either noticing something was wrong. Once he arrived home he did laundry, checked work emails and went for a walk. Anything he could to keep his mind off the discord with Olivia. When they were partners and would argue, he relied on the fact that he had to see her the next day and at some point the long silences and tension would fade away amidst work dialogue. That situation no longer existed. If she was mad enough everything between them could be over and he wouldn't see her again until the party in a couple of days when she would be arm in arm with Ed Tucker.

Elliot jolts upright at the thought and grabs his keys. Last night she thought enough to text him when she made it home so maybe all hope was not lost. Maybe he could show up at the station or invite her to coffee near the precinct if she was busy. Anything. He can't lose her. Not now. Not over something so silly.

In the moment he was furious about her going with Tucker despite agreeing to accompanying Pippa but in the grand scheme of everything they had gone through and what they were so close to being, it didn't matter.

Olivia is infuriating, stubborn and sometimes a coward when it comes to love but he trusts her. More than anyone in his life. Backing away from the door, he drops his keys on the dining room table. He needs to give her the time and space she asked for. He sighs in defeat, sitting back down on the couch where her scent still lingers and reminds him how close they were to making love. It almost seems like forever ago.

The feel of her body beneath him, her soft moans vibrating against his warm skin. It's only been a few days but he misses her so damn much. Especially now that this wall was up between them. He can never go back to not having her in his life. Whatever it takes, he will put his pride aside and work it out.

His cell rings and immediately he grabs it recognizing the ringtone he set especially for her.

"Hey," he answers nervously, pushing away his embarrassment of feeling like a teenage boy whose crush has just called.

"Hey." The lightness in her voice eases the tension in his shoulders. "Did I catch you at a bad time?"

He chuckles softly under his breath. She really has no idea that he has been going crazy dying to talk to her.

"It's never a bad time Liv. Look I'm sorry about last night," he blurts out not wanting to waste any time. "I shouldn't have gotten upset about the Tucker thing but it's just him and," his hand squeezes his forehead trying to slow himself down. "I'm just sorry Liv."

On the other end of the phone, he hears her amusement followed by what he hopes is a relieved sigh. "Well you stole my line. I was going to apologize to you."

"Really?"

His surprise is evident. She seemed so done with the whole conversation the night before an apology was not was he was expecting. Once again she manages to throw him a curveball.

"Yes really. I should've told you about the party and going with Ed."

"Me too." More composed now, he lays back on the couch. His arm drapes across his forehead and he breathes out another sigh of relief. "In everything with me and you I just forgot about her and the party."

"Well since you put it like that, it's definitely not a bad thing. I like being the woman first and foremost on your mind," she purrs.

"Always." His eyes flutter closed and he says a silent prayer, thankful that they've gotten over the hurdle so fast.

"Let me make it up to you," she offers and his eyes open wide. "Not like _that,"_ she laughs knowing what he was assuming by his silence.

"Damn," he curses out loud.

"I'm not saying it's completely off the table I'm just saying my offer was to cook you dinner and whatever happens happens," she plays coy.

 _Whatever happens happens._

Elliot swallows back the lump in his throat, trying to calm himself down. Even the possibility of her beneath him is enough to fire up all his senses. More than anything he just wants to see her. To feel her in his arms and know that everything is okay. That _they_ are okay.

"When?"

"How about tonight at 830? Noah should be just going to sleep then and that will give us some alone time."

"Sounds good to me. So where should I order the takeout from?" He asks and they laugh in unison. Cooking has never been Olivia's strong point and while he appreciates her attempts at a nice gesture he knows better.

"You know me so well. How about some Chinese from our favorite place?"

Elliot remembers the hole in the wall a mile away from the precinct well. They ate there often while on stake outs or when they had a long night and had to eat dinner at the station. "Your usual?"

"Yep. So see you at 830?" She confirms.

"I wouldn't miss it."

* * *

It was just takeout and hanging out. Nothing romantic or fancy. Even so, Olivia changed about three times before deciding on a soft pink V-neck t-shirt and black leggings. Comfortable and feminine she told herself. Pink wasn't a color she wore often but it seemed fitting for tonight.

Her hair is parted down the middle and perfectly straight. The curls she had earlier in the day had fallen thanks to Noah's antics in the tub splashing water all over her. For a moment she considered curling it again and putting on some makeup but she wanted everything to be as natural as possible. Opting instead to keep it simple with a little lip gloss.

Noah had a great time at daycare earlier in the day and was tired out so he was asleep by the time she began to put on his Elmo pajamas. It's a little after 8pm when she shuts his door and tiptoes into the living room. Quietly she gathers the rest of his toys and begins to put them in the toy box smiling to herself. They were making progress. He managed to put his blocks and a few toy cars into the toy box. But his fire truck and a few stuffed animals including a giraffe from his Uncle Munch didn't make the cut.

Checking her watch for the tenth time in an hour she's a little frustrated to see that only a few minutes have passed. 8:11. 19 more minutes until he shows up.

The apartment is cleaner than its been in awhile which takes away from the natural vibe she was going for. Her bare feet are cold against the wood floor of her hallway as she walks into the kitchen removing two plates from the cupboard, forks and two wine glasses.

Olivia picks up her phone looking for a text message or any sign of communication from him. Nothing. She sighs, her head dropping into her hands on top of the kitchen counter.

"Get a grip Olivia," she mumbles to herself and walks over to the window. It's a quiet normal night just like most others. Something she was grateful for when her and Cassidy first scoped the neighborhood looking for apartments. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

At first she let him take the lead when they were looking for a place because she didn't want to focus on anything but not having a nervous breakdown at any given moment. But then the reality of how easily Lewis got into her apartment crawled its way into her psyche and she became almost obsessive about every place they looked. Brian was annoyed but decided to keep quiet. This apartment was out of their price range but she was willing to pay more for her safety and peace of mind. But it hadnt quite happened that way. The nightmare the other night proving that fact.

Olivia looks towards the door and for a split second she can almost see the image of a battered and wounded Elliot slumped against it. His mouth duct taped, his eyes wide in fear. A shudder slides down her spine but she shakes her head, hoping the images go away with the movement. Not tonight. He won't take this away from her.

She looks back out the window and down at the street at the people walking along the sidewalks. It takes a minute for her to spot the jeep she knows all too well.

 _He's here._

The headlights were off. He could've been sitting there for hours and she wouldn't have noticed. A small smile spreads across her face, the thoughts of him suffering at the hands of Lewis replaced with what she assumes is an equally nervous Elliot waiting in the car for the clock to strike 8:30. Olivia retrieves her cell from the small wooden end table and texts him to put him out of his misery.

 _I'm waiting. Come on up._

Three minutes later, he's knocking on her front door quietly to not wake up Noah. Olivia takes a deep breath and rubs her fingers through her hair one more time to smooth it out before opening the door. The unmistakable scent of beef with broccoli and sweet and sour chicken fills her nostrils and she quickly waves him in. His eyes travel the length of her body with a sly grin.

"I'm right on time," he points out, holding up the bags with food.

"Yes you are. Come on in," she waves him inside.

Elliot looks around taking in the cleanliness of the place but wisely doesn't comment and walks straight into the kitchen. They unload the bags in silence and Olivia tries to ignore the sexual tension between them already. He's been in her presence less than a minute but the air is crackling all around them. Thick with the promise of something they both want.

Elliot is dressed in a dark blue shirt and jeans that fit his ass perectly. The shirt wasn't meant to fit so snug to his body but the thick expanse of his arms and chest make it impossible not to. A peek of his tattoo is visible beneath his sleeve. God, what she wouldn't give to run her lips along the-

"Liv?" Elliot asks grinning at her obvious perusal of his body. "Can you pour the wine while I bring the plates to the living room?"

Olivia blushes, looking away from him while her fingers slide nervously along the kitchen counter.

"Or we could just stand here and you could continue to ogle me like a piece of meat?" He jokes trying to break the tension but it doesn't help. She wants him. Her answering smile is a shy one, her breasts feel heavy from the weight of her desire. Elliot looks down at the dip in her cleavage, a low moan breaking from his throat.

Move. She needs to move to the other end of the counter to grab the wine bottle and pour it. Except getting there would mean moving around him. Elliot steps closer, his side now brushing against her front. Her hardened nipples smashed along his arm. Apparently exactly where he wants it.

It takes some effort but she finally finds the courage to lift her head to meet his and his lips crash against hers before she has a second to process everything.

"I missed you so much," he breathes against her mouth, his lips insistent. Urgent.

Olivia pours her response into the kiss.

 _I missed you too. So much._

Elliot has her body nestled into the corner of the kitchen between her counter and the wall. Trapped. Willingly. Olivia holds him close against her, his left hand cupping her cheek while her hands play with the edges of his shirt. His tongue dips into the depths of her mouth and she feels the fire crawling through her veins. Everything about him is intoxicating. Too much and not enough.

This wasn't what she had planned for tonight. Well not really. If he made any sudden movement, if his lower half touched her in any way then Chinese food be damned. She can devour him instead.

Elliot backs up from her, the need for air immediate. His forehead rests against hers, her hands caressing the length of his back. It scares her how much his proximity makes everything better. How much she feels like she needs this. And him.

"Maybe we need to eat dinner," she rasps, her voice thick with desire. There needs to be some distance between them or she won't say what she plans to say. They will just end up in her bedroom with her coming apart beneath him. Coming.

"Yeah," she steps out of his hold, shaking her head to fight against her sexual thoughts. "Let's eat."

Elliot smiles knowingly, pressing a quick kiss on her forehead. "Ok."

During dinner they talk about the kids and she briefs him on the case. He reaches over and steals some of her beef and rice. Instead of calling him out on it she's just thankful he knew without having to ask that she liked white rice. When her chopsticks reach over to take some of his chicken, he scoots over just a little closing the last bit of space between them.

"So does Barba think it's going to be a slam dunk case?"

"I certainly hope so. I'm sure they will try to discredit Munoz's testimony but Barba's pretty good. I'm not worried." Olivia eats the last of his chicken, pushes the plate to the side and leans back on the couch. Without missing a beat, Elliot lifts his right arm and she cuddles into the curve of his side. Her hand splays across his chest and he kisses her forehead.

The silence is comforting. Deep down she's grateful that he knows her well enough to know when she needs this and doesn't feel the need to talk to fill the moment. Giving her the time and space to say what she needs to say is the best gift of all. And she decides to give him one as well.

"While I was interrogating him there was something about him that reminded me of Lewis."

Elliot freezes for an instant, then crosses his leg and leans more into her as she continues.

"He just didn't give a damn about what he did to Pilar. She was brutalized and it's like he was proud of it. We've seen hundreds of these guys over the years but something about him just-it hit me to the core so I went to the cribs to go sleep," her voice cracks as she prepares to go on. Elliot strokes her hand that's on his chest and it's just the motivation she needs. He's right there. Not hurt. Not running. Listening.

"I had a nightmare about Lewis. He and Utley he had me you and Noah hostage," her voice catches and she swallows trying to continue. "Utley had Noah and Lewis had a gun to your head. He pulled the trigger and I woke up."

Pulling her into him, he drops a kiss into her hair. "Shh. I'm here. Nothing is going to happen to me."

Olivia nods her head against his shoulder, no words escaping her mouth. Tears threaten to fall but she manages to hold them at bay. Elliot places his hand under her chin, lifting her head so their eyes can meet. "Nothing is going to happen to you or to Noah ever again. I can promise you that. Ok?" She's never been big on promises but this one she believes. The sharp steel determination in his eyes solidifies her belief. She feels safe again.

"Ok."

"Thank you for telling me. I knew something was wrong but I didn't want to pry. I know it wasn't easy."

"There's something else too," she pauses awaiting some type of response from him but nothing. His soothing caress along her arm never waivering.

"Last night when I got off the phone it's because I was walking into a bar. I only had like a beer and a half. Nothing strong but I just needed to get away and I was stressed."

His lips connect with her forehead again. "That's ok Liv. We all need to get away sometimes. With what you deal with on a daily basis trust me I get it."

Olivia scoffs and presses more into the safe confines of his body. "Now you sound like Dr. Lindstrom."

"You talked to him about it already?"

"Yeah he said it was understandable and because I didn't go overboard with the drinking it wasn't a big cause for concern."

Elliot nods his head in agreement.

"He also said it would be a good idea for me to tell you about the nightmare and about….. everything," she admits, her voice dropping lower. "One day."

"Whenever you're ready," he consoles her.

A part of her wanted him to say that he didn't want to hear about it. That it was all in the past and it was best for them to just move forward. But deep down she knew better. There are some changes in him. He is calmer, more loving, and more willing to talk. To listen. But at the core he's still the Elliot she knows and loves. Of course, he wants to know.

"No rush," he whispers against her forehead.

Olivia doesn't answer just hugs herself around him as tight as she can. He's here. He's not going anywhere ever again. And in the midst of that realization she falls asleep.

* * *

He could watch her sleep forever. It's only been an hour since her breaths evened out and it was evident she had fallen asleep. And only twenty minutes since he pulled the lavender blanket on the arm of the couch over her to keep her warm.

Elliot thought about waking her so she could get comfortable or carrying her to the bedroom so she could get a good night's rest but he wanted to be selfish for just awhile longer. Both of those scenarios would mean she would wake up and probably end the rest of their night and he wasn't ready to leave. Not yet.

He would be lying if he said he didn't want to carry her to that bedroom, she wake up and ask him to stay with her. But he knew that wouldn't happen. And that was okay because she was worth waiting for.

Elliot is about to doze off when he hears faint cries come from the back of the apartment. Instantly he looks over to the iPad with Noah's image displayed sitting on the far edge of the coffee table. The little boy is sitting up in his bed wiping his eyes. HIs first instinct is to go to him but then he remembers that she hasn't introduced them yet. He doesn't want to overstep.

"Liv," he whispers, shaking her gently.

"Yeah." She rubs her eyes just like Noah and it brings a smile to his face.

"Looks like Noah is awake."

Olivia jolts up just as his cries get a little louder. "Shit. I'll be right back."

Shifting his weight forward, his elbows resting on his knees he takes the iPad off the table. A sense of pride swells in his chest as he watches Olivia comfort Noah, holding him close to her and kissing his forehead. The little boy quiets right away in his mother's arms. She's just the kind of mother he always dreamed she would be. And she's working through everything on her own just the way she wanted. He hasn't gone through half the trauma she has but he knows that she's way more stronger than he could ever be. Stronger than she thinks she is.

Elliot sets the tablet down and starts to collect the food off the table, gathering it together to throw away in the kitchen. Walking past Noah's bedroom door that is closed, he opens the drawer containing her trash can and disposes of everything. He puts the dishes into the sink along with the wine glasses, hers still clean from not being used.

A small smile crosses his face as he turns on the water and begins to wash off the plates. It's all so simple. Domestic. And he wants this for their future. Quiet nights at home after a long day, finding comfort in each other's arms. Talking about their day.

Sure, she's not ready for it all now and that's okay with him. Because a piece of Olivia Benson is better than no Olivia Benson at all.

"Hey," he hears her soft voice behind him.

Elliot turns around and is stunned at the vision before him.

The little boy from the pictures, the iPad screen and from his thoughts is right there in front of him. Dressed in his pajamas, more wide awake than he should be and perched on his mom's hip.

"Hey," he responds nervously.

Olivia looks back and forth between him and Noah, looking every bit the proud mom. "Elliot this is Noah. Noah this is mommy's friend Elliot. Can you say hey?"

The tot regards him for a moment before raising his little hand. "Hey," he smiles shyly, his head falling against Olivia's.

It's a picture Elliot knows will be etched in his memory forever.

"Someone is wide awake now because he realized we have company," she remarks maneuvering around him to the cupboard to retrieve one of Noah's cups.

Noah's eyes stay on him, a little smirk on his face while Olivia moves around the kitchen putting milk into the cup.

"Well sounds like a good plan to me," Elliot jokes.

"Yeah right," Olivia scoffs. "It's after 11. He's going back to bed." Handing Noah the cup of milk, he takes it quickly and begins to drink from it.

"I'll just be a few minutes I'm going to read to him a little bit and then lay him back down."

"It's no problem." His hands are in his pocket and he's more nervous than he should be. If she notices she doesn't say anything and he's grateful for that.

"Say goodnight Noah."

"Good-ni Noah," the little boy laughs at his own joke with Elliot and Olivia joining in.

"Oh you are a funny guy tonight," she tickles him.

Elliot moves closer to them and thankfully Noah doesn't seem at all skittish around him. "I know you have to go to bed but next time we can play with blocks."

"Yes!" Noah responds raising his fist in excitement.

"Ok ok enough of that," she playfully chides them both. "Next time not tonight. Tonight you are going to bed. Come on," she walks towards the room smiling over her shoulder at Elliot until she disappears inside.

Elliot exhales and scrubs his hand down his face. The happiness he feels is breathtaking. Sobering.

Walking back towards the living room he can hear her reading Noah a story. Her voice is clear and concise. She didn't close the door this time. It's a step, a peek into the remaining parts of her life that he was once closed off to. A simple gesture that is both literal and metaphorical to where they are right now.

Olivia left the door open. And when she's ready, he plans to walk in.


	19. Chapter 19

_**Author's Note**_ _: Well it's about that time to move the rating up to "M". There are going to be more adult situations happening in the story going forward. This should make a certain group of people that I love and adore very happy. They know who they are. The same ones who beat me up in my DM's every chapter for the lack of smut. So to the fam, this is for you._

 _Thanks to everyone for the reviews they mean the world to me and give me the motivation to keep going. Hope you enjoy._

* * *

Elliot rolls his neck side to side trying to relieve the knots that still linger from spending most of his night and part of the morning sleeping on Olivia's couch. After successfully getting Noah back to sleep, the two of them stayed up talking into  
the wee hours of the morning with the low volume of the television in the distance. Eventually they both drifted off and he woke up a little after 3am with Olivia asleep in his arms.

As much as it pained him, he woke her up to get in the bed so she could have a few decent hours of sleep. When she asked him to stay the night with her he almost took her up on his offer but he didn't trust himself. Somehow he'd exercised a saint level  
of control in his attraction to her for over a decade when they were partners, but now that he'd kissed her, held her and felt her there was no way he could lay next to her all night and keep his hands to himself. Instead he kissed her on her forehead,  
tucked her in, peeked in on a sleeping Noah and let himself out.

Work had kept them both occupied the day after, her with a new rape murder case on the Upper East Side and him with meetings at the Federal building. He sidestepped his boss' insistence on taking the next assignment in Denver and instead focused on catching  
up on case files.

Now it's the day of the party and he can't shake the uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. He knows she's running late for the party because of the texts they've exchanged off and on all day but he's been pacing back and forth in his living room instead  
of getting ready.

His eyes glance over to the black suit with the silver handkerchief laid out on his bed that Maureen was kind enough to set out for him earlier. Insistent that her dad would not go to such a big affair "half stepping" she picked out everything including  
dress socks and shoes. But his attire is the least of his worries. He wishes he could be that guy that wasn't jealous. That didn't care about seeing the woman he loves on the arm of another man. He wishes that a part of him didn't feel somewhat self  
conscious about being in the room with people who know parts of his professional past specifically that his shooting of a young girl led to his retirement.

Elliot walks to the bathroom gazing at the man that stares back at him. The wrinkles are at the edges of his eyes, the hairline a little further back than it was in years past but his eyes have a different tint to them. There is a sparkle of life there  
that was missing for so long. But it's the furrow of his brow that grab his attention more than anything.

Splashing a bit of cold water on his face, he takes a deep breath, gripping the edge of the sink. It's going to be a long night. He hasn't been in the same room with Ed Tucker since he handed over his badge and signed his retirement papers. And since  
he resisted every urge to wipe the smug smile off Tucker's face with the swell of his fists.

Elliot wipes his hands on the towel, finishes buttoning up his crisp white dress shirt, tucking it firmly into his pants and fastens his belt. Before he picks up the jacket, his hand circles around the silver handkerchief. The one that matches the dress  
she will wear tonight but he hasn't laid eyes on. He grips it tight, sliding the satin material through his fingers as he sits on the edge of the bed.

It's a little after 6pm. The party doesn't start until 730 but no one actually gets there right at the beginning. Then the thought hits him, a wide grin spreading across his face.

Reaching for the phone next to him he immediately dials Pippa.

"Hey," she answers on the first ring. "Are you almost ready? You're still picking me up right?"

"Of course." He stands and hangs his jacket on a hanger, careful not to wrinkle it. "I just have to make a stop first. I'll be there in about an hour."

Twenty minutes later his fingers tap at his side, itching to ring the doorbell of the apartment he has become so familiar with. As his closed fist reaches up to knock, the door suddenly opens.

"Oh Hi," Lucy startles back for a second.

"I'm so sorry I didn't mean to scare you." He immediately steps back out of her space not wanting to intimidate her.

"No it's ok. You're Elliot right?"

He cocks his head to the side, his eyebrow raising slightly.

"I've seen you on some pictures of Olivia's and heard about you. I'm Lucy the babysitter. She should be ready any second. Come on in." Lucy backs away from the door the bag of trash still in her hand.

"No let me take this," he offers reaching for the bag.

"No way," she pulls back. "When you are dressed like that you don't handle trash. The chute is just right there."

While Lucy walks away he heads into the apartment and the first thing he sees is Noah on the floor surrounded by toys. His eyes light up instantly at watching the tot play. It doesn't take long before the little boy notices his presence.

"Hey! Blocks!" He yells. Elliot chuckles at the irony. Noah probably doesn't remember his name but he recalls the promise he made the other night to play with him the next time they saw each other.

Kneeling down next to him, he tries his best to dodge the mess. "That's right buddy we're supposed to play with blocks."

"Oh you don't have to do that," Lucy says shutting the door behind her. "You will get all wrinkled."

Elliot begins to carefully roll up his sleeve. "Oh it's ok I don't mind."

Noah stacks a blue block on top of a yellow one and pauses, signaling Elliot's turn. He doesn't waste any time and adds another block on top. They take turns until the tower they are building is almost as tall as Noah. He claps his hands and squeals in  
delight the higher the tower gets.

Lucy moves around behind them packing a few items in a small bag. "We are going to run to the pharmacy to pick up his prescription and get him out of the house for a bit. We've been stuck inside all day."

Elliot barely listens to her, his attention completely focused on the little boy in front of him. The tower starts to wobble and Elliot tries to hold it steady.

"Uh oh," Noah says trying to hold it with one hand, another block in the other.

"We've got to keep it together buddy," Elliot says dramatically, Noah's forehead crinkling in concentration.

The little boy adds one more block and it all topples over. "Fall down!" He laughs, sitting down on Elliot's right leg while he picks up the blocks.

Elliot holds his breath, careful not to move and do anything that would make Noah uncomfortable or ruin the moment. Tentatively he reaches up and rubs his hand through his small mop of brown hair, the toddler easing into his touch. "Again!" He shouts.

"No no," Lucy chides making her way towards him. "We've got to go to the store remember and mommy and Elliot have to go to a party."

The reminder of their destination makes him groan internally. He would be much more content sitting on the floor playing with Noah and Olivia for the rest of the night while they order in and just enjoy each other's company. _One day._

"Alright we are heading out," Lucy announces balancing a fidgeting Noah on her hip. "It was nice to meet you Elliot."

With a small smile on his face he reaches his hand out to shake hers. "It was nice to meet you too. I'll be seeing you around." He then turns his attention to Noah. "See you later Noah. How about next time we play with the trucks. What d'ya say?"

"Yes!" He pumps his arm up in the air and Elliot quickly discerns that must be his go to gesture of excitement. Lucy opens the door and Noah turns quickly and waves. "Bye Elli-ya."

Elliot chuckles and waves back. "Bye see you later."

The door shuts behind them and he stands in place, a small smile still playing on his lips.

As he turns around to sit back on the sofa Olivia comes barreling out of the room. "Hey Lucy have you seen my oth-". She stops mid sentence when she notices him in the living room. She's dressed in nothing but a white satin robe that stops just short  
an inch or two above her knee. His mouth is frozen. Every limb perfectly still. His eyes travel the length of her body. From her perfectly straightened hair, pouty lips, down to the exposed flesh at the V shape on the top of her robe and every bare  
inch of her long golden legs.

Fuck.

Those legs will be the death of him. He's imagined them around his waist, over his shoulder and perched on his hip as he pushed his tongue or dick inside of her. He came here with a plan. To make sure that he was still the only man on her mind tonight  
despite who was on her arm. But now that he's seen her his plan has altered just a bit.

His stare begins to travel back up her body. The same places he just took in but need to see again. He can't take his eyes away. The dark pink nail polish on her toes, the way the robe almost gives him just a peek of the heaven that exists at the apex  
of her thighs. It's hard to tell if she's naked, but what she's wearing underneath is doing nothing to stop the hardened buds of her nipples protruding through the material.

Olivia tightens the thin belt of the robe, with a look of amusement on her face. "Are you done yet?"

Elliot begins to walk towards her. "Oh I haven't even started."

* * *

There was only a split second for Olivia to take in his appearance. The way his white shirt still clung to the dips and ridges of his chest. His sleeves rolled up revealing the massive veins of his forearms. His dark blue irises stalking in her direction  
with a predatory gaze that she's only seen once before. When they almost made love on his couch.

Tightening the belt on her robe does nothing to hide anything from him. She's already so exposed. One minute she was running around her room in a frenzy trying to get dressed and actually get out of the door on time until she realized she was missing  
one of her silver high heels. Her son was notorious for taking her shoes and running around the house with them, using them to knock down his blocks or hit one of his stuffed animals playfully. When she walked into the living room she didn't expect  
to see him.

'And now it's too late to regain her composure. To take a firm stance and tell him they can't do this. They shouldn't do this. It's an hour before they have to be at a formal party with her past and present colleagues. No. They can't do this.

But it's too late. His lips are on hers.

"El," she whimpers, lost in it all. But her hands find his waist pulling him close to her as he roughly backs her up against the wall.

"I had to see you," he breathes between kisses, his hands cupping her jaw then moving towards her hair holding him close to her. Not one inch separates them. Not anymore. Not ever again.

The feel of his lips on hers almost cause her to black out. Her back arches against the wall curving into his grasp, his body. His erection pokes against the thin fabric of her robe.

Her hands fall to his ass, his rock hard perfect ass and she grinds against him. God she needs this.

"El we can't," she pleads, her body contradicting her words. His breath is hot against her face, her mouth, the thick leather of his belt in her hands as she attempts to slide it through.

"I know we can't."

Olivia stops abruptly. She must've heard him wrong. What does he mean they can't? The liquid is pooling between her legs and she will have to change her underwear and now he's ending this?

"No," he pulls her back to him when he sees the confusion in her eyes. His body is pressed against her once again, his hands on the thin belt of her robe. Dazed at his words contradicting his actions she stands still willing her body to calm down. Elliot  
drops his mouth to her ear. "No we can't make love right now because I know you can't miss this event for work." The belt is untied and hangs limply at her sides. He opens the robe to reveal the black lace corset and matching black lace cheekies she's  
wearing underneath. A low growl crawls from his throat.

Olivia's knees almost buckle from the weight of his stare. "Please," she begs and she's not sure what for. For him to stop staring? For him to make love to her?

He whispers into her ear again. "When I'm finally inside you I don't want to have to rush Olivia. I want to take my time and taste every inch of you." His hands slide up and down her sides settling on the cheeks of her ass. Her eyes roll back in her head  
voluntarily. "When I'm done fucking you, you won't be able to walk in those silver heels over there you planned to wear tonight or anywhere else so it's best we not do this right now."

Olivia chuckles and brings his lips back to hers. "Such a tease."

"Oh no Lieutenant not quite." Elliot's fingers rub back and forth on the sliver of exposed skin on her abdomen, playing with the edge of her panties. "I want to watch you come for me." His fingers dip into the black lace at the moment the words leave  
his mouth and cover hers. Their tongues dance in perfect rhythm, his fingertips gliding along her bare slit.

Olivia spreads her legs and his finger inches dangerously close to entering her. God, she needs this. Her brain doesn't have time to process that he's touching her this intimately for the first time. It feels right. Perfect. Their thoughts are on nothing  
and no one else. Just this. Just them.

It's been so long since she's been touched like this. She's almost embarrassed at how wet she is for him.

Almost.

Elliot's breath quickens matching the racing beat of her heart. When the first finger sinks into her almost effortlessly she lets out a small cry.

"Shit," he curses, his forehead falling against hers. Widening his stance, he wraps his left arm around her waist as her knees begin to falter. "I got you baby." His finger strokes in and out of her slowly at first. Feeling, stretching. He has no idea  
how long it's been since someone touched her there but the responsiveness of her body is slowly telling her secret. Her walls already clenching as she moans into the crux of his neck.

"I want you so much," he whispers roughly, trying to hold on to his last bit of control. Her grip on his shoulder tightens.

Without warning Elliot adds a second finger and his thumb begins to circle her clit. Olivia cries out in ecstasy, writhing against his fingers. "So good," she breathes, her body moving on it's own. The fire begins to crawl up her limbs, through her veins,  
her walls closing in on his thick digits.

Following her lead, his restraint disappears. He begins to move his erection against his hand in the same motion, the friction causing Olivia to move faster. "Jesus," she grunts, her short fingernails digging into his shoulder.

Elliot begins to suck on her neck, his mouth moving down to the dip in her cleavage, not once breaking the steady rhythm that he's perfected. He's everywhere. All over her. Sucking on her breasts through her corset.

She's so close. His hands, his mouth, his erection all working together like the perfect team to bring her to nirvana. To mark her. He's staking his claim.

 _Mine._

He pulls back and his dark eyes lock with hers. His gaze is intense, smoldering. It's almost too much and her eyes begin to shut. "Keep your eyes open Liv. I want to see you when you come."

It's only a second, a small fragment in time that their eyes are immovable before the wild contractions begin. Elliot sucks in a breath, his thumb working faster on her sensitive nub. "Ahhh," she cries out, her hands digging into his arm.

"Yess." He holds her close. "That's it baby."

Olivia continues to moan as he coaxes her through her climax. His length is still rock hard against her and she wants nothing more than to unzip his pants and have him drive into her. It's not optimal, their first time up against a wall but she doesn't  
care. Her heart begins to slow down, her breathing regulates.

"You ok?"

Her chuckle is all the answer he needs.

"I'll take that as a yes," he says carefully withdrawing his hands from inside her. She makes a small sound of protest at the feeling of emptiness. Satisfied that his mission was accomplished his slides her soaked panties back in place over her mound.

They continue to hold each other, his erection still firm against her thigh. "Would you like me to take care of that?" she offers, reaching out but he quickly grabs her hand bringing it up to his lips instead.

"Oh no. If you do that we won't leave this apartment and we have somewhere to be."

Elliot takes her face in his hands, wiping the small beads of sweat from her forehead and kissing her again.

"I'll let you go and get ready for your _date_ ," he emphasizes the word with a hint of bitterness.

"So is that what this is about?" she asks, her arms circling his neck and kissing him on the cheek. It still bothers him but his little stunt makes her feel better about where they are, despite who they are with tonight.

"Now would I do that?"

"That answers my question," she kisses him again.

Elliot steps back and rolls his sleeves back down watching her intently as he does. Her entire body is covered in the effects of him and she knows he wants it no other way.

"How much longer until Ed comes to pick you up?"

Olivia closes her robe. "He's not. I'm going to meet him there."

Once again, another satisfied smirk covers his face. "Good."

When she gets ready to tie the belt again, he stops her. She watches him as he slowly descends to his knees, his face right at the apex of her thighs.

Her eyes go wide. "Elliot d-"

"Shhh." He places a sweet kiss on her core over her panties. "I'll save the rest for later."

She watches him in awe as he stands, kisses her again and heads for the door with an arrogant smile on his face.

"I'll see you in an hour," he winks, the door shutting behind him.

Olivia stands in the hallway, leaning her head back against the wall staring at the ceiling. Letting out a deep sigh, she walks to the bedroom to finally get dressed and change her underwear. "Yeah," she says to herself. "It should be an interesting night."


	20. Chapter 20

**Authors Note: I fe** **el like I'm always apologizing to you guys for these long delays but alas life got in the way. I tried to make this chapter longer to make up for my absence. I hope to update much sooner going forward. Thank you guys so much for sticking with me on this one. Special thanks to Ili, Jenna and Jamster for nudging me along to update.**

* * *

"You were pretty quiet on the ride over," Pippa comments while smoothing out the skirt of her dress. Emerald green with an A line skirt and halter top, her hair pulled up into a soft bun, Elliot couldn't help but notice how beautiful she looked when she answered her door. He complimented her politely and she returned the favor.

Elliot holds the door to the hotel open for her. "I guess I'm just a little tense. It'll pass."

The hallway is pretty empty to say there is a party going on despite the loud music and low roar of chatter just down the hall. The affair is much more swanky than he imagined and he sighs loudly as they approach the door.

"We don't have to stay long," Pippa says walking a few paces in front of him to check them in with the hostesses posted at the entrance. Instantly he feels bad. Before everything got out of hand he agreed to accompany her and now he's being a bit of a buzzkill, lost in his own hangups about the situation.

Elliot hangs back while she gives the two older ladies their names. Curious, he leans to the side just to peek inside. Although there are a lot of suits and a few ballgowns, he's thankful that he doesn't recognize anyone he knows yet. But the view is about 15% of the actual population that awaits him inside. The thought alone is daunting.

He closes his eyes for a fraction of a second and instantly flashes back to the scene in Olivia's apartment. The feel of her satin robe against his eager fingers, her warm soft skin. When the tip of his fingers touched her bare mound, his heart jumped into his throat. Somehow he needed to reel himself in. He had come there with a purpose. And as Neanderthal as it sounded he just needed to stake his claim. Make sure he would be the only man on her mind. But once he touched her all bets were off.

It took everything in him not to strip her from the corset that strained against her full breasts and pull off that poor excuse of underwear she was wearing. The way her walls spasmed around his fingers. So tight, so wet. He longed to feel that around his thick erection.

Elliot shifts his weight back and forth between each leg. His hand scrubbing down his face stopping around his mouth trying to calm himself down. The feel of his pants are getting tight and he groans in frustration.

Focus.

Focus on anything but the perfection of her body. The smooth supple curves, the way goosebumps broke out across her smooth olive skin.

He is so wrapped up in the memory of her that he doesn't register Pippa walking up.

"Hey," she pats his shoulder to jar his attention. "We are table thirteen."

The smile doesn't quite reach her eyes as she fastens the snap on her black clutch.

"What's wrong?" He asks, his hand gently touching her elbow.

"I know you really didn't want to come," she sighs and begins to look around everywhere but at him. His eyes follow hers thinking that she spotted something or someone and he tries to locate them as well. Instead he just sees more older men in dark suits, clashing against the cream colored walls and neutral colored decor of the lobby. "Good thing is there's another friend of mine at the table too so it's not all bad."

His forehead wrinkles with concern. "What are you talking about?"

Pippa sighs again, this time her green irises that match her dress more than he realized initially meets with his cautiously. "Tucker and Olivia are seated at our table too."

* * *

Ten minutes. It had been only been ten minutes since Olivia walked into the oversized doors of the grand hotel carefully holding the skirt of her dress that had a longer train than she realized.

It had been seven minutes since she had an awkward exchange with Ed where he complimented her dress and she saw the hint of hurt in his eyes. Trying to push past it, they walked through the lobby together, not arm in arm but close enough that it was evident they came together. A few polite hellos and complementing of attire with some colleagues she recognized and they found themselves checking in with the hostess. Three minutes ago they got their table number and she glanced down to see who else would be seated with them and was surprised to see "Pippa Cox and guest".

The lump formed immediately in her throat and she made a hasty retreat to the bathroom. The firm lock of Ed's jaw registered his disapproval with their table mates but she had excused herself to the bathroom before he could speak.

Three minutes later she's still in the bathroom. Her fingers curl over the edge of the sink as she takes in her reflection in the mirror. The stress is perfectly masked behind her straightened hair parted down the center and light makeup capped off with rose colored lipstick. Standing up straight, she adjusts the fit of the red and silver strapless corset top with the sweetheart neckline that perfectly accentuates her impressive cleavage. At first she thought the train was a bit much and despite what may very well be a firestorm around her she smiles at her reflection in the mirror. If only the dress would've been for a different occasion. Not one where she has to plaster on a fake smile all night and hope that Ed and Elliot don't come to blows.

Pippa wasn't a concern for her. The little twinge of jealousy she had quickly disappeared somewhere between coming down from the high of her orgasm that Elliot gave her and prancing into the front door of the hotel. But it was Elliot she was concerned for. His stunt at her apartment while it was memorable and still sent shockwaves through her veins concerned her because it revealed just how uncomfortable he was with the whole scenario. She'd seen him be jealous before of men around her but this was something different. He was full on staking his claim and no less against a man that had manipulated him out of his career.

Olivia jolts when she hears the door open and two relatively young women, one blonde one brunette stroll in giggling at one another. Quickly she discerns they are not involved in law enforcement or an attorney but probably someone's arm candy for the night.

If only she could just people watch for the rest of the night and not have to keep a close eye out for any run ins. This was much more entertaining.

Finally she pries herself from the bathroom and strolls back to the waiting area where a few people form a small circle near Ed. He's giving a thin polite smile, gripping his glass of something he must've picked up at the bar so tight that she wonders if it will shatter.

"Hello. Sorry I took so long," she apologizes in a low voice as she returns to his side.

"Lieutenant Benson," one of the men yells excitedly. He's clearly had more than one beverage. "Nice to meet you. You look stunning."

Olivia pastes on the best fake smile she can manage for the man she doesn't know but is complimenting her.

"I'm sorry. I'm Captain Lyle Henderson from the 4-6. Your former boss Don Cragen and I knew each other. He spoke highly of you and your whole team," he explains, the loud clinking of the ice in his glass distracting her from his words.

"Well thank you. It's nice to meet you."

Ed places his hand lightly on her elbow. "We better head inside," he says to the group. "Talk to you guys later."

After a few paces his hand drops back to his side. "You ok?"

"Yeah I'm fine," she lies as they walk into the massive room. The scene inside sidetracks her errant thoughts temporarily. There's a live band near the stage, several large tables decorated in a dark cream color with beautiful centerpieces. Everyone is dressed in their best attire, the most formal that she's seen any of them. Even though she doesn't see exactly where he is, she can hear the loud boom of Deputy Dodds' laughter in the crowd. The room is rather large and thankfully there's a full house so she's hoping to just blend in with the crowd. Her eyes settle on the open bar and she makes a mental note to probably head there sooner rather than later. Time is already crawling by.

"Do you want to head to the table now? Or just mingle for a little bit?" Ed asks her. "I can understand if you're not in a hurry to sit down considering the company there. Or then again maybe you don't mind at all," he jabs, rolling his eyes and looking away.

A sarcastic comeback is on the tip of her tongue but she decides not to indulge and takes a different approach. "I know this can't be easy for you either," she turns into him. He responds, turning into her as well and making eye contact. "Are you sure you can handle seeing Elliot? I know there's no love lost there."

"That's putting it mildly. Look I don't like the guy he doesn't like me. It is what it is."

It's not that simple. It's never been that simple between the two of them. If Ed chooses to remain aloof about the whole situation she can work with that. It's much better than anger.

They stand for another minute before another colleague of Ed's walks over and begins to strike up a conversation. Barely listening, her eyes scan the room. There are a few people she recognizes, a lot that she doesn't. It doesn't take long before she spots the green dress and the red hair. Pippa. And before she has a chance to gather herself she spots him.

Elliot.

She should be paying attention to the conversation in front of her with Ed or the body language between Pippa and Elliot. How is he looking at her? How close is he to her? Briefly the fact that there are three other people in the small circle with them registers but other than that her attention is focused solely on him.

The way his suit hugs the contours of his body perfectly. That cocky stance of his that she hated when they argued but always secretly admired. His smile is polite bordering on genuine but it's his lips that grab her attention. Those lips that were just on her.

Kissing, sucking, licking on her eager body. His lips had been soft but urgent. Blazing a trail down her neck, her breasts, over her mound. Affected, her thighs clench together under dress. Her line of sight begins to trail down his torso to his hands dangling at his side. Those hands that were just on her. In her.

Although she can't see the details from the distance, she knows them all too well. The rough hard feel of them contrasting with the soft delicate way he touches her. His short fingernails that stroked the inside of her walls almost making her want to come instantly. Her eyes close for a split second. When they open he's watching her.

A small smile plays on his lips luring a smile from her as well. If there is part of the conversation he's supposed to be listening to she can tell he isn't anymore. Both of them ignoring the people around them. Only focused on each other.

Olivia watches with gratification as his gaze travel the length of her. Tingling she waits for the moment their eyes meet. Elliot's tongue licks the seam of his lips, his hands fidgeting at his side. She wants him. Right here right now.

"Don't you think so Olivia?" A burly gentleman to her right asks.

"Hunh?" She quickly tries to snap herself out of it but her eyes still haven't left Elliot. His answering smirk proving her right. "Oh I'm sorry. I think I see a colleague I know."

Ed speaks up, moving to her side, her body no longer shielding him from plain sight. "Excuse us for a moment."

They walk away towards Pippa and Elliot and her pulse begins to race.

"We may as well go ahead and get this over with considering we will have to sit with them all night," he says.

Olivia looks at him briefly trying to read from his expression what she can't hear in his voice. They've never gotten to that level of unspoken communication. Every word or facial expression she has to work to figure out. It doesn't take long for her to see the anger radiating from him as they get closer to their destination.

Olivia turns her head to watch Elliot as they get closer and immediately tenses at what she sees. The desire and amusement that shrouded his expression earlier has been quickly replaced with pure unadulterated rage. She's seen that look before. All too many times and it all scares her. Not here. Not now. And then the moment is upon them.

"Pippa, it's good to see you," Ed begins as they stand a few feet away from them. The small group that was around them before has disappeared. Dammit.

Pippa as always is the epitome of polite. "Ed Tucker it's nice to see you too," she says leaning in to touch his cheek to hers in a half hug.

Ed stalls and then does the inevitable. "Stabler," he acknowledges stiffly.

"Tucker," he answers. His jaw is rigid, his hands clenching at his side.

"Please we aren't in the office anymore. Call me Ed."

"I'd like to call you a few things but Ed isn't one of them," Elliot responds with a cocky smirk on his face.

"Olivia your dress is absolutely gorgeous," Pippa steps in literally placing her body between the two men to reach out and hug Olivia.

Breathing a sigh of relief, she hugs her back. "Thank you so is yours. Love that color on you."

"Well thank you. It was a little last minute so glad I was able to find something."

Never has she been so thankful for mindless girl talk about shopping as she has right now.

"Yeah same here."

Pippa looks between Elliot and Ed who are still in a tense stare off before she continues. "Where did you get yours? I can't believe you found something like that on such short notice. It looks like a designer made it."

Olivia chuckles. "Well-"

"Well actually my daughter picked it out," Elliot interrupts. Olivia stiffens immediately.

"Oh," Pippa responds giving Olivia a sympathetic look at the same time.

"Yeah you know how Liv's schedule is so after her and my girls went out to lunch, Maureen offered to help her find something and clearly she did a great job."

So much for girl talk. Elliot was clearly not pulling any punches.

Punches. No. She couldn't even think of the word.

Ed clears his throat, widening his stance a little. "Yes she certainly did. One of the most beautiful women in the room but of course I'm a little biased."

And clearly Ed wasn't pulling any punches either.

"I'm going to go and get a drink," Olivia blurts out making a beeline for the bar. If any occasion causes for something to take the edge off then this would definitely be it. Pippa was still there so there was no immediate cause for concern that they would come to physical blows.

After a few sips of Cabernet, Olivia surveys the crowd and hesitantly turns around to look back over in the direction of the group.

"Hey. Nice party hunh?" Barba asks popping out of nowhere. Always dressed impeccably, she refrains from commenting on his attire and indulges the reason behind his devilish smirk instead.

"So I take it you've said hello to everyone?" she asks taking another drink of her wine to hide the tiny lift of her lips. She can't help but smile at how much of a kick he is getting out of all of this.

"I have to say Liv. I didn't really want to come to this thing but your love life alone will provide me all the entertainment I need."

Olivia peeks around Barba to get a look at them again and sees Ed walk away to go and talk to another group. Although she can't see Elliot because his back is to her, his posture seems more relaxed at first and she's thankful for the temporary reprieve.

"Don't be so flustered. If it helps I even changed seats with someone so I will be at your table too," he smiles at her.

"Is that so you can help navigate me through this or to be closer to the entertainment?"

"Both actually," he takes a drink and winks at her at the same time. She's glad he's here. Wit and all. It's just the distraction she needs.

"Well well well this must be where the cool kids are hanging out," a voice interrupts them and Barba's shoulders immediately deflate.

"Rita. Pleasure to see you," he says finishing off the last of the brown liquid in his glass. "Another please." He motions to the bartender.

"Well gee Barba that didn't sound like a warm welcome. Surely you didn't need to order another drink to deal with me."

Their exchange stifles even more of Olivia's anxiety. Apparently everyone had their achilles heel at this party. While the two of them traded jabs she looked around again and saw that Ed had disappeared from his group and Elliot seemed to even be smiling at Pippa and another colleague of hers they were talking to while they walked over to the table she would be joining him at soon.

Olivia closes her eyes in relief, thankful that at least no other barbs must've been exchanged if Ed has moved on and Elliot was looking less stressed. Maybe they would get through this hell of a night after all.

Partly she's listening to the conversation between Rita and Barba in front of her and the rest of her attention is on Elliot. He really did look good in his suit and apparently the group of older ladies across from their table also felt the same way. He was completely oblivious at the attention he was receiving.

Four ladies each detached from their significant others for the evening and one she recognizes as Dodds' wife is looking over at him and giggling among themselves like schoolgirls. Elliot was an attractive man, there was no doubt about that and there was a slight twinge of pride that radiated in her to see other women fawning over him and he was so completely clueless about it.

"Oh come on Rafael. You know you miss taking me on in the courtroom." The way Rita says his name breaks Olivia from her trance, now completely engrossed in the exchange between the two attorneys in front of her. "But don't worry you can always take me on in another room to make up for it."

Olivia begins to choke on her drink but quickly recovers. Rita Calhoun had a lot of traits but being subtle was clearly not one of them.

"I've always admired your tact Rita," he comments placing his glass on the bar and fidgeting with his tie.

"Well what can I say? I'm a woman that knows what she wants."

It became clear to Olivia that she wasn't the only person in for quite a night.

* * *

Elliot glances back towards the bar area at Olivia as he stands from the table. The tension is gone from her face and she looks completely enamored at the two people standing in front of her. He's glad that she is distracted.

"Excuse me for a second Pippa, I need to run to the restroom," he whispers. She's so engrossed in a conversation about her old days as an employment law attorney with a friend that she barely registers his presence.

Walking into the lobby, he peers around looking for any sign of his grey haired nemesis. He doesn't see him. His hands fist around in his pockets until his eyes settle on the men's bathroom door. Immediately he walks in that direction, he needed to go to the restroom anyway. It's a bit crowded at first and he thinks he will have to wait in line until he sees there are a line of urinals that stretch around the corner and there are more there. When the four men that were gathered near the entrance disperse, he gets a clear sight of exactly who he was hoping was in there.

"Tucker," he says coldly, his fists opening and closing at his sides.

There is one other man at the sink behind him washing his hands and the two men size each other up while waiting on their guest to disappear.

Once the man wipes his hands and walks out the door, Elliot moves to stand in front of it. If Ed is nervous he makes it a point not to show it which frustrates him even more. "You and I have some things to discuss."

"Look I don't have time for this." He moves towards the door but Elliot blocks him.

"Oh yes you do. Don't be a fuckin coward now. You had plenty to say all the times when you were sitting across from in your office or in an interrogation room."

Ed huffs and rolls his eyes. "So what you're going to hit me now? Surprise Surprise. Do what you have to do so we can move on."

Elliot releases a bitter laugh. "No I'm not going to hit you."

"Well well look at that," he responds dismissively. "I guess people can change after all. Someone told me recently that people don't change but then here you are. I guess the rules are different when it comes to you. They always were."

"Oh shut the fuck up," Elliot roars moving closer to him. Ed continues to hold his ground, his mouth pressed firmly in a thin line. "If rules were so goddamn different for me I wouldn't have been standing across from your pathetic ass all the time fighting for my job. Don't act like I got a free ride. Everytime I turned around you guys were on my case about something."

"And it was all undeserved hunh? We just picked on you for no damn reason," Ed strikes back. "You're pathetic."

The use of the words ignites more fury inside of him. How dare he? Of all people?

"You want to call me pathetic? The same bastard that used a schoolboy crush to take down anyone in his way."

Ed flinches. "You don't know what the hell you're talking about. All because you think I duped you out of your job."

"Not just me," Elliot walks forward. They are so close to one another. Almost nose to nose. "I heard about your little stunt with Cassidy. Setting him up to get killed in the field. So it's not just me. Eliminate all the competition that gets in your way. Really are you that hard up?"

Ed lunges forward grabbing Elliot by the collar for a split second before Elliot turns the tables, removing his hands and pushing him in the opposite direction against a nearby wall. "Give me a reason. I've been dying to beat the shit out of you for years anyway," he snarls.

Ed stiffens, and instead of throwing a punch of fighting back, he backs up and out of Elliot's loosening grasp.

Taking a few steps back to the mirror he straightens his tie and wipes out the wrinkles in his shirt while Elliot watches him closely. "I had a job to do and I did it."

Elliot scoffs. "Don't give me that shit. I'd have more respect for you if you just admit you didn't like me and you had it out for me."

He's silent almost as if he's contemplating a confession. Elliot continues. "You called me a pedophile. You always assumed I was the one that was wrong before you got any of the fuckin evidence."

"You-"

Elliot cuts him off, "Christ you even arrested Olivia for murder."

"Her DNA was on the knife," he argues.

"Even if she was the main suspect, did you have to haul her out in front of the whole squad? What kind of piece of shit does that? You embarrassed her. You know how long it took for that talk to die down?"

The door opens and both men stop talking momentarily while a hotel employee walks in and quickly decides to walk back out.

"Ok fine. You want me to admit I didn't play by the rules all the time then fine. Sometimes I didn't. You happy now?"

Elliot snickers and shakes his head in disbelief. "How you got her to believe you were different and worthy of her I will never understand."

"I thought you were the poster boy for people changing," Ed retorts with a smug grin.

"Oh I have made some changes because if I hadn't the better part of your nose would've connected with my fist by now. But don't worry it's still there. Don't tempt me," he warns opening and closing his fists again.

"As enlightening as all this is did you want something else? I actually have to use the john."

"Yeah. Stay the fuck away from Olivia."

Ed chuckles defiantly, waving him off. "That's up to her. But don't worry I won't be around her as much anymore. I'm transferring to Hostage Negotiations. Guess we could all use some change."

Elliot's chest rises and falls rapidly and once again they are in a stand off. They both stare neither of them saying anything. After what seems like an eternity Ed is the first to break the stare and excuses himself to one of the stalls around the corner.

Elliot releases a breath he didn't realize he was holding, stretching out his hands that were almost sore from how tight he had them clenched. Turning behind him he quickly uses one of the urinals and washes his hands trying to get himself under control. He knew they would have words tonight but didn't expect it to be so early on. And even more surprisingly that they both managed to walk away unscathed.

Reaching for the door handle, he's shocked when the door almost hits him and Olivia comes barreling inside.

"What are you doing in here? What's going on?"

For a moment he's worried that something is actually wrong until he sees the playful grin on her face. She has to maneuver to pull in the rest of the train of her dress so it doesn't get stuck in the door as it closes.

"I just wanted to come see you." She begins to look around to see if there is anyone in there.

"In the bathroom?" He asks confused.

"Yeah because we need some privacy," she says her left eyebrow arching. Taken away by how beautiful she is he almost forgets they aren't alone.

"Liv-"

Her soft lips smother his. Gentle at first until he feels the satin of her dress flush against him. Her breasts firm and lush against his chest.

He pulls back just enough to try and get a word out but before he can speak she sticks her tongue into his mouth and he groans. Her hands begin to caress the bulge in his pants and he's completely lost.

This is payback for the stunt at her house he's sure but he doesn't care at all. All that matters is her hands on him, the feel of her against him. The silky strands of her hair glide effortlessly between his fingers as he holds her head against him and sucks on her tongue.

That damn dress is so gorgeous but dammit he knows there's probably another layer underneath and it would be almost impossible to lift it up right here and push his hardness into her.

They've both lost all sense of where they are. His hands cup her right breast and she pushes him firmer against the bathroom door so no one comes in and interrupts them. He hears low laughter and clapping in the distance. Someone is giving a speech which explains why they haven't been interrupted.

"How about I make you come?" Olivia asks, sighing into his mouth and he lets out a pained groan. His eyes fly open when her hand grasps his length inside of his pants attempting to pull it out.

It's not going to take much to push him over the edge. A few strokes in her warm hand and he's going to be done. He's got to stop this before it goes too far. She's playing but has no clue how close to the edge he actually is.

"Liv wai-"

The sound of a throat clearing fills the room. Olivia freezes. Elliot's head jerks to the side meeting Ed's furious glance head on. Everything happened so fast he was going to warn Olivia but the second she touched him and kissed him, he forgot they weren't alone.

"Ed I-I didn't know you were in here," Olivia apologizes. "Yeah I can tell," he responds dryly. Elliot snakes his hand around her waist protectively.

"I would stay around for the rest of the show but I should get out to hear the rest of the speeches."

Ed's face is so crestfallen that he almost feels sorry for him. Almost but not quite.

Backing away from the door, he holds Olivia in his grasp while Ed walks out.

As soon as the door shuts she slaps him on the chest. "Why didn't you say anything?"

Despite himself he laughs at her mortified expression. "In my defense I tried but you didn't exactly give me a chance."

She hides her face in her hands, her head shaking from side to side as if she's trying to wake up from a bad dream. "I just wanted to come in here and get you back for what you did at the apartment and also congratulate you for not punching Ed. I know it can't be easy to keep your cool where he's concerned."

Elliot presses his thumb to the nape of her neck pulling her close. "No it wasn't. But the night is still young."

Olivia slaps him across the chest again. "Ow! Don't worry about it Liv," he says placing a kiss on her forehead. "You just hit him in the gut much harder than I ever could."


	21. Chapter 21

Olivia runs from the bathroom as fast as the train of her dress will allow her in search of Ed. She didn't need time to snap herself out of her lust filled haze, the unexpected presence of her ex-romantic interest took care of that.

Leaving Elliot in the bathroom to take care of the hard on she triggered, she heads back into the main ballroom gazing around for any sign of Ed.

"He's over there talking to a few of the guys from IAB," Barba whispers from behind her. She hadn't even heard him walk up. "He seems a bit more perturbed than usual. Anything you care to share?" he asks, his trademark smirk visible.

Olivia sighs, torn between wanting to smack him for enjoying this ludicrous situation and wanting to hug him for easing some of her anxiety. "Hmm, where is Rita? I thought she would've had you pinned to a wall taking the best you had to offer by now." That does the trick. His smile instantly fades.

"Ok fine you win."

"Thought so."

"Ok but seriously," he looks around to make sure no one is listening. "What happened back there? Elliot's gone, Ed comes stomping back in here mad like he can't find a good detective's career to end and you are running around like little bo peep who has lost her sheep. What's the deal?"

Olivia sees Ed walking away from the conversation that he was in and figures this is her time to pounce. "Look I'll tell you later," she promises giving him a little pat on the elbow before walking off.

Ed is already tense when she walks up. "What do you want Olivia?"

"We need to talk," she says breathless from her sprint to get over to him.

"Talk about what? How I just witnessed you feeling up your boyfriend in the bathroom? No thanks. Now if you will excuse me."

"Wait," she grabs him by the elbow. "Come dance with me."

His jaw locks as his gaze shifts to the almost empty dance floor and back to her.

"We can talk while we are out there."

Ed doesn't speak, just nods and allows her to lead the way out to the dance floor. They join in next to another couple that was a part of the group that he was talking in earlier. Briefly she wonders if this is a colleague of his but instead turns her thoughts to what she wants to say. Defeated, she realizes she was naive in believing she would be able to maneuver this situation without hurting someone. Everywhere she turns there is a grenade she's dodging that is someone's feelings. There's only so much she can do before she just let's nature take it's course.

Olivia places her hand in his and they begin to move slowly to the soft music. Their bodies are a bit awkward, both avoiding making the dance too intimate. He's stiff in the beginning but after a few beats, he relaxes into the rhythm.

"So you wanted to talk?" he says, his cold voice breaking through the reality of the situation.

"Yeah. Look I'm sorry you witnessed what happened in the bathroom. I didn't know you were in there and I'm really not trying to make this any harder for you."

Ed rolls his eyes but his hand tightens around hers contradicting his demeanor. "It's fine," he gruffs.

"No it's not," she pleads moving just an inch closer to him so their conversation is not overheard. "I know that you and Elliot have never seen eye to eye and I know that we have our differing opinions on how you handled situations with us but we're not trying to flaunt our relationship in front of you."

Ed scoffs and tightens his hold on her waist. "Maybe you're not but Stabler has made it clear that he wants to stick it to me."

"I think that's less about me and more about how he feels you treated him. Either way that's between the two of you. I just wanted to apologize and I hope that we can at least keep things civil."

He nods and continues to dance not acknowledging her request. She's firm on one thing, not apologizing for what happened in the bathroom just that he witnessed it. Moving on with Elliot and building a future with him is not something she will apologize to anyone for, especially not Ed Tucker.

"Y'know I don't think I ever told you why I started working in IAB."

Olivia furrows her eyebrows, taken aback by the sudden change in topic. He hadn't opened up about much when they were seeing each other but she chalked that up to his usual reserved manner.

"No you didn't."

They dance a bit longer before he begins to talk again. "My ex, Linda. It was forever ago but we got engaged. We were happy or so I thought," he began. "It was when I first became a cop. I was working in Vice at the time. I was working all kinds of hours trying to prove myself," he avoids eye contact with her suddenly focusing on anything around him while he finishes the story. "Well anyway I found out that she was cheating with one of the guys in my department. A few people knew and didn't say anything. Just sat there while I looked like a fool going on and on about planning a wedding."

Olivia stops dancing abruptly before he picks up his step, moving her again with the rhythm. His confession floors her. She had no idea and is almost embarrassed that she never took the time to think about what could've been the catalyst for his actions over the years.

"After that I stopped trusting everybody and that's why I took the job in IAB. I guess I just needed to believe that no one was really trustworthy and found something that reaffirmed that."

After his confession he stops speaking and she chimes in. "We all have our reasons for why we do the job. You know why I'm here. Why I haven't been able to walk away from SVU because of my mom and what happened to her. So don't feel bad about that," she comforts him.

"Yeah," he huffs. It's void of any negativity and his hand squeezes hers. It's a peace offering. She'll take it.

"Anyway thank you for telling me. It helps me understand you a little bit more."

A part of her wishes that he would've told her this story while they were dating but every part of her knows it wouldn't have made a difference. Her heart would still end up right where it was. With Elliot.

* * *

Elliot anxiously fidgets with his tie as he takes his seat next to Pippa at the table. It took him a few minutes to calm himself down in the bathroom after Olivia made her exit.

Damn Ed Tucker.

If he wasn't there things would have gone in a completely different direction. He wasn't quite sure what Olivia had planned but he's pretty sure it was more entertaining than sitting at a table full of people he didn't know. Although it was all worth it to see the look on his face when he caught Olivia's hands down his pants. Thinking about her with another man intimately especially Tucker was enough to make him purely enraged. But he can only imagine if he were to witness it up close. It's not something he would've wished on his worst enemy...until it happened to his worst enemy.

The shit eating grin is still plastered on his face when he glances towards the dance floor and spots the red dress that he's sure will be in his dreams for many nights to come. Olivia is moving in a fluent motion along the floor, her straight chestnut hair covering her bare back and in the arms of Ed Tucker.

His reaction is visceral. The hand that was just in his pants was now clasped in Tucker's as they danced. It was evident they were talking but Tucker's stoic expression didn't give much away. Gripping the tablecloth, his jaw began to clench and his breathing became shallow. It shouldn't have bothered him. Olivia had made herself clear about it being over between the two of them but seeing Tucker's hands around her waist and in hers while they danced plucked at the strings of his insecurity.

"Would you like to dance?" Pippa whispers in his ear.

Elliot startles for a moment before regaining his composure. Pippa follows his eyesight to the dance floor at Ed and Olivia. "Sometimes a dance is just a dance Elliot. Doesn't mean anything," she says playfully.

"I know," he pushes his seat back from the table. "C'mon let's dance."

"I didn't mean me and you," she explains standing up and taking his hand. "I meant the two of them. Don't get upset at her for dancing with her date."

Sighing, he walks with her to the floor. She's right and he's grateful for her ability to always be levelheaded. Purposely, he leads them to the other side of the floor so they can have their own space and not make the situation even more awkward.

"Well," she wraps her arm halfway around his neck and places her hand in his. "We certainly have a good view of them from here," she jokes.

It works. He laughs gently at her attempt at humor. "I didn't bring you over here so we can spy on them."

"Well lucky for you I'm going to do it anyway. Just keep moving, I'll keep an eye out," she smiles playfully. Elliot almost stops for a moment taken aback at her, but his feet continue to move in time with the music that has changed from a slow instrumental to a slow pop song he's sure he's heard one of his daughters playing on the car radio. Things really could've been different. He probably could've loved her if his heart wasn't already spoken for.

"I know I sound like a broken record but thank you." His hand squeezed her waist just a little to emphasize his sentiment.

Pippa's eyes glisten, her mouth pressing tightly together as she tries to withhold any emotion. "You're welcome," she rasps, the emotion getting caught in her throat.

There won't be any romance between them but he knows they will continue to be friends. She's Olivia's colleague and a friend of his daughter's friend. She will still be around and he's happy about that.

"So what's up with the guy you were all chatty with at the table?" he asks breaking the tension.

Pipps instantly blushes.

"Ahh, so there it is," he teases her. "Why don't you ask him out?"

"Oh please," she rolls her eyes. "You're trying to give me love advice? The same guy that has me spying on the love of his life on a dance floor?"

"Ouch," he spins her around and they share a laugh. "I'm giving you some advice because you always feel the need to give me some."

"Okay fine," she rolls her eyes again. "I don't want to ask him out because I feel like he needs to work for it a little y'know? I don't always want to be the one chasing. Sometimes it's nice to be chased."

"You deserve to be chased. You're absolutely right," he says seriously. "I think he's going to ask though. I wouldn't be surprised if he asks for your number by the end of the night."

Pippa huffs. "I'm not holding my breath. Especially not with you here. He's tried to ask me in a roundabout way if we are dating I think and I've made it clear that we are just friends."

"Let me guess he doesn't believe you," he smirks.

"I don't know he probably think it's all complicated."

Elliot leans in and whispers in her ear. "Newsflash. It kind of is. Everything about tonight is a little complicated."

Giggling, she pulls him back into her. "It's not complicated at all. You and Olivia love each other. I have a crush on a guy who thinks I'm dating the guy that loves the girl sitting across the table."

Elliot lifts his eyebrow, giving her an incredulous look.

"Ok maybe you're right."

They dance a little longer in comfortable silence, enjoying the music.

"Ok so what's happening now?" he asks and she giggles again in response.

"I knew it was killing you to know what they were doing," she slaps him playfully on the shoulder. He waits patiently while she spies for him. "They are talking, looks very innocent. If it makes you feel better they aren't having nearly as good of a time as we are." They share a laugh. It does make him feel better. Rational or not, it does.

"Ok since they are a little boring let's shift our focus," Elliot suggests and turns her around a little to get a better view to people watch.

"The ADA that works with you and Liv, I think his name is Barba?"

"Yeah," Pippa coaxes him along. "What about him?"

"Well I'm almost certain this lady is about to pounce on him. He looks scared to death," he chuckles as he finishes the sentence.

Pippa turns around, not even attempting to be subtle to get a look at the dancing pair. "Oh my god he better be careful. Rita is a barracuda in the courtroom I can only imagine what she's like in the sack. I'm scared for him."

Elliot throws his head back laughing, partly at Pippa's comments and partly at the deer in headlights look on Barba's face.

"Excuse me," a voice behind them interrupts. It's the lawyer from the table and Pippa's green eyes immediately light up. "Do you mind if I cut in?"

"Wellllll," Elliot teases, holding her tight as if he doesn't want to let her go.

"Elliot," she slaps his arm.

"Just joking. Don't mind at all. Take good care of her," he shakes the man's hands and walks away. He turns around briefly before he heads back to the table to glance at them. Pippa's smile is bright and the man looks just nervous enough to convey that he is legitimately interested in her.

Good. She deserves that. He smiles to himself, his hands in his pocket as he walks back to their table.

"Hey," the sexy, deep voice he knows all too well calls from behind him. "I was wondering where you were."

Turning around, he sees the angst that filled her features when she sprinted from the bathroom completely gone.

"You seemed pretty busy," he quips. Thankfully she brushes off the jab.

"I needed to fix that and I did. I told you it's over and I meant that," she says, grabbing his hand from his pocket and intertwining their fingers. Her smile is carefree and he smiles back at her in return.

Elliot looks back to the table to see if Tucker is there. The table is animated, the rest of the people talking but Tucker is nowhere to be found.

"He decided to call it a night."

He bites his lip trying to quell his delight at the news. "Well that's too bad. I thought he would at least hang around for more speeches."

"Don't look so sad El," she moves closer to him. "Besides I'm pretty sure that Dodds is this close to getting shitfaced so any speech he makes may not be worth hearing."

"Are you kidding? That makes it even better," he jokes.

Olivia laughs and her smile makes his heart stop. He's only been blessed with it in such large doses lately and it's been one of the parts about their new found relationship that he cherishes the most.

"Dance with me," he whispers in her ear, pulling her close to him.

Her face drops into the crux of his neck, placing a quick kiss there. "I thought you would never ask."

* * *

The song changes as they settle into a spot on the dance floor. Elliot's hand caresses her lower back, his other hand firmly intertwining with hers. Wordlessly their bodies begin to move to the music. All humor and pretense gone. This is where she has wanted to be all night. In his arms. In front of everyone, she doesn't care who sees, until a thought pops in her head. "Oh my god Pippa!"

Elliot snickers and nods his head in the direction of Pippa and her "friend" who have retired back to their table and sitting much closer than they were before.

"Oh," Olivia says with a slight curl of her lip. "She looks pretty happy i guess."

"Yes she is and I'm happy for her." He pulls her back into his body and continues to dance. Breathing a sigh of relief, she relaxes into him focusing on nothing but the music and the feeling of him against her. They dance, nothing but the sounds of their breathing and the steady pace of their heartbeats guiding their movements.

"I've been thinking," Elliot begins. "About the whole thing with you and Tucker."

Groaning inwardly, her body immediately tenses. "El I-"

"No just let me explain." He pulls back to look her in the eyes. Thankfully she sees no hint of jealousy or anger. Just understanding. "When you left and went to Oregon without a word I was just...lost. I had just lost my marriage and you were literally the only thing I had left." His forehead wrinkles while he talks, the pain etched in his features as he relives one of the most agonizing times of their turbulent partnership.

"I was just trying to cling to anything or anyone that was familiar just searching for...something that made me feel somewhat human again. Does that make sense?"

Olivia nods. It made perfect sense. It was why she had gotten involved with Ed in the first place. Not because she was lost without Elliot in her life but because her revolving door of people had changed so much in her life that she needed something that was routine. "Yes it does," she answers simply.

"So when Dani came along…." he begins and Olivia instantly freezes. Oh God. Dani Beck. She had forgotten all about her. She always wondered back then if something happened between them but let it go as she did with so many other issues because she didn't think she could handle the answer to that question.

"I just clung to her because I needed to feel….something."

"Did you sleep with her?" The question pops off her tongue before she can reel it back in but the truth is she wants to know.

Elliot gives her a bemused look. "No. Of course not."

"You say that like it's so hard to believe."

"It is actually," he says without explanation. Pulling her close again, his lips are near her ear. "I didn't have sex with anyone during my separation Olivia. Losing my marriage was hard but losing you was even harder. I kissed her. That's it. Anything else more intimate than that I couldn't even consider unless….unless it was you."

Olivia shuts her eyes, the twinge of relief mixed with agony completely staggering. Things could've been so different but then they wouldn't be right here where they are. Vaguely the lyrics of the song that plays in the background registers in her head.

Jason Mraz is singing about not giving up, having a lot to learn and love being worth it. She chuckles at the irony. How fitting. After all this time they are definitely worth it.

"However long it takes Liv. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere ever again," he whispers in her ear and the tears that have teased her eyelids finally fall. She's at a loss for words. There's nothing more she can say at this moment. This absolutely perfect moment with the perfect song playing in the background and the man she loves in her arms.

Olivia takes her hand out of his, wrapping it around his neck instead. The words. Those words are on the tip of her tongue. Right there. But the reality of where they are holds her back despite the idealistic circumstances.

Elliot's arm wrap firmly around her waist closing the final centimeters between them as the song ends and segues into another one.

Mingled voices fill the room.

Glasses clink together.

Laughter, chatter mixed with polite conversation.

It all exists in what seems like a parallel universe.

Right now there is nothing but them, his hands around her, his voice humming soothingly in her ear, her pulse racing and her tears of happiness and relief drying on her face.

A speaker takes the podium. "Everyone can I have your attention please?"

Elliot snaps back, looking in the direction of the speaker and she realizes they were the only ones still left on the dance floor.

"Looks like they are about to start the speeches," he whispers in her ear. "Let's go back to the table."

"No," she halts his step. "Check and see if Pippa still needs a ride home." Olivia glances back at Pippa and her friend and is pretty certain she won't but she wants to be polite.

"Ok, but why?" Elliot asks confused.

She brings his hand to her lips and kisses his knuckles softly. "Because I want you to take me home."

* * *

 **Author's Note:** I'm going to answer the question that I'm sure was bound to come up in the reviews. Yes, That was the last of Ed Tucker in this story.


	22. Chapter 22

**Author's Note: You've waited long enough so here it is…...Special thanks to Jamie and Lindsay for being an extra set of eyes on this one.**

* * *

 _Take me home_

Her words, the seductive twinkle in her eyes and the low inflection of her voice. It's all a potent cocktail swimming through his brain. Pacing back and forth along the dark carpet in her living room, he tries to quell his nerves. He wants her. He has for as long as he can remember. Feeling her come around his fingers earlier did nothing but surge the quivering need he already had pouring out of him. What he didn't account for was the moment when he knew without a shadow of a doubt that she wanted him too.

On the ride home, Elliot tried to convince himself that maybe he misunderstood her intentions. Maybe she was just wanted to escape the party and was done with the constant mingling. Maybe the situation in the bathroom with Tucker catching them in a compromising position had just been the end of her rope and she was ready to leave. That was how he tried to explain to it himself until they had been driving for about five minutes. Their elbows were already touching on the armrest of his car, sneaking in soft caresses. When he reached for her hand and she quickly diverted his attempt preferring to rest her hand on his thigh, he instantly hardened.

Olivia rubbed against his inner thigh for eight torturous seconds. His grip on the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles turned white. Mercifully, she let up before he embarrassed himself and they kept their hands to themselves for the rest of the drive back to her place. But unfortunately (or fortunately) he was still sporting a hard on from her antics.

As soon as they walked in the door, she relieved Lucy and went to put Noah back to sleep since he had woken up upon hearing them come in. She told him to make himself comfortable and left him alone in the living room while she went to Noah's nursery. But he had been anything but.

The hushed tone of her voice serves as the background music of his racing thoughts. After all this time, it was going to happen. His hand scratches back and forth along the back of his neck while he continues to pace.

Elliot grabs the remote wondering if he should turn the television on. _No that's distracting_ , he realizes and sets it back down on the table. Should he turn on music? He sighs in frustration. He's in his fifties, he's not a virgin, this shouldn't be this nerve-racking.

But this is Olivia.

Scrubbing his hand down his face he takes a seat on the couch and begins to fidget with his hands. His knees nervously bounce against his arms. Being inside of her has haunted his dreams and dominated his fantasies as long as he can remember. He can't mess this up.

Because this is Olivia.

Caught up in his deliberations, he doesn't hear her walking up behind him. "Hey."

Elliot jolts, his heart jumping into his throat. "Hey," he replies wiping his perspiring hands on his pants and standing up.

The edges of her lip curl up into a shy smile and his nerves begin to wane marginally. Without her heels she's a few inches shorter, her dress dragging the floor behind her. She's absolutely beautiful.

His arms circle her waist, pulling her close. The light, flowery scent of her perfume fills his nostrils, igniting his senses. He breathes her in. Her aroma, her proximity, her touch. It's all too much and not enough. Not nearly enough.

"He asleep?" he whispers, placing a kiss just below her earlobe.

"Yeah," she purrs, pressing her body into his. "Sound asleep."

Elliot moans into her neck, their bodies lightly swaying back and forth. Olivia relaxes into him, letting out a deep sigh. This is what he's waited for. To be in her arms. No one else a factor, all outside forces erased.

When it's just the two of them they are most magic.

His right hand travels up her back, caressing the smooth satin of her dress along the way. Her breathing becomes labored against his neck, the path of his fingertips leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake. Tentatively, his fingers hover near the zipper but he flattens his hand against her back instead. Not yet. He doesn't want to rush this even though the bulge in his slacks is becoming tighter and tighter.

"Unzip it El."

His pulse races and he pulls back from her to look into her eyes. He needs to make sure.

"Li-" she stops him with an index finger pressed to his lips. Leaning in, her lips ghost over his.

"Unzip it."

His last attempts at control disappear. Once he touches her, _really_ touches her his body will take over. All rational thoughts will be out the window.

"Are you sure?" Cradling her jaw in his hands, his breath puffing out against her trembling lip. He's fighting to hold on before he takes her. "You gotta be sure."

Olivia closes the last centimeter between them. "I'm sure," she kisses him quickly pulling back before his mouth slants over hers. "Take it off."

Wasting no time, Elliot's fingers grasp the zipper pulling down as his mouth takes hers. It all happens so fast he doesn't have time to obsess anymore about the gravity of what they are about to do. Not anymore.

Because this is Olivia.

His lips are urgent, the smooth material of her dress falling quickly to the floor. Moaning against his mouth, she effectively makes him that much harder. Holding her hand, he helps her step out of the dress managing not to breaking contact. "Let's go to your room."

Elliot feels her smile against his lips. Without a word, she leads him down the hall past the door to Noah's room to her bedroom. When the door closes he is on her. His hands are on her back, squeezing her ass and tangled in her hair. Her moans spurring him on. They work together to try and get him undressed. Olivia frantically unbuttons his shirt while he tries to stop his hands from shaking long enough to loosen his tie. He needs to be out of his clothes now, wanting nothing between them. Skin on skin. There's no other way for this to be. When his shirt hits the floor and her hands grip the leather of his belt he almost comes undone.

For a split second, he curses himself for not going to her bathroom and taking the edge off so he won't embarrass himself. But he knows it wouldn't have worked. Nothing would be able to calm the raging inferno inside of him.

Because this is Olivia.

Her hands reach into his pants and wrap around his length. He quickly sucks in air at the contact. Olivia retracts her hand as if she's been burned. "What's wrong?"

She pulls her bottom lip in between her teeth, looking down at his chest. He thinks the worst until her hand begins to stroke his abs tenderly. "We don't have to-"

"No," she cuts him off, her eyes finally meeting his. "It's not that it's just-"

"Tell me."

Elliot sweeps her hair off her shoulder, dropping his forehead to hers. "Tell me."

"It's just that it's been awhile that's all," she whispers.

He grins, wrapping his arms around her waist. "It's ok Liv. I get it," he reassures her with a kiss to the forehead.

"No," she steps back a little. Her vulnerability in that moment humbles him. "It's been a _really_ long time. And it's you- and it's us and I guess I'm just nervous."

Elliot takes a moment to digest her words before the grin spreads across his face.

A _really_ long time. Her admission hits him square in the gut and he knows he's a son of a bitch for being relieved. She hadn't slept with Tucker.

His mouth slants over hers insistently, pulling her into his chest as she groans against his lips. Dropping his forehead to hers again, he places his hand over her heart feeling it thump against his fingers. "I won't hurt you baby. I promise."

* * *

Olivia sighs, letting his words wash over her. He won't hurt her. She knows that he doesn't mean just physically despite the impressive length in his pants but emotionally as well. It's an aggressive promise. One that she wishes she could make in return. But she can't. Her moods have been unpredictable at best lately and she doesn't want to bring him down with her. He deserves more.

Despite the way he makes her feel and her body's reaction to his touches, she wants to tell him to be careful. And to guard his heart because she still has some things to figure out and she doesn't want to hurt him.

Because it's Elliot.

"I know you won't," she kisses him tenderly at the corner of his mouth. Fighting against the pit of shyness in her stomach, she releases the two buttons on his slacks. Elliot's stomach contracts at every brush of her fingertips, swaying on his feet. He holds on to her hips to steady himself as his slacks hit the floor.

Even with the dark color of his boxers and the semi darkness in her room, she can make out every inch of his arousal. Her thighs clench together, her core throbbing in response. She doesn't want to rush this but she can't wait to get him in between her legs. To feel the sheer power she's witnessed when he's angry in reverse and pushing inside of her. Her fingers grip the lip of his boxers and his hand leaves her hip to stop her. "Not yet," he whispers.

She groans in frustration and he laughs arrogantly while gently guiding her backwards. Her knees bump against the back of her mattress and he guides her to sit down. Her line of sight right on his glorious bulge that continues to taunt her. She's so turned on she can barely sit still. Before she can reach out to touch him again, he's descending to his knees, his eyes a blazing cobalt blue.

Her voice catches in her throat, the intensity kidnapping her ability to speak. The temperature in the room seems warmer than it's been all night and despite the lack of clothes, she feels her skin becoming sticky with perspiration. Her breathing is shallow, her teeth once again sinking into her bottom lip. Elliot leans in, freeing her bottom lip with his, kissing her languidly. Her fingers play with the cropped hair at his nape holding his head close to hers. As much as she wants to feel him inside her, his kisses are a welcome substitute. She's so mesmerized by the intoxicating dance of his tongue with hers that she doesn't notice her panties descending down her thighs. It's not until his presses her legs together to get them completely off that a small sound escapes her throat. Her heartbeat thumping in her chest.

Elliot crawls forward, opening her legs to him and pulling her towards the edge of the bed. She's so beautifully exposed, desire casting a shadow over the last remnants of nervousness left.

"El," she moans as his lips make their way into the dip of her cleavage, kissing over her corset down to the bare skin of her belly. She knows what he's about to do and she can't stop writhing in anticipation. Her tongue scrapes across her suddenly dry lips, eyes casting down on the muscles of his back as they flex back and forth while his mouth travels lower and lower.

"Lay back and relax Liv," he murmurs. "Let me take care of you."

She surrenders to his command, her back colliding against the mattress as the sensations hit her all at once. Elliot's fingers are in the arch of her foot kissing her there. His lips move up her leg, her inner thigh. Losing focus she's almost out of it until she feels his hot breath directly against her core.

"So beautiful," he whispers and within a second his mouth is on her. Olivia tries to move to escape the painful pleasure radiating between her thighs but he holds her in place, his tongue unrelenting as he gives and takes everything from her at the same time.

"El," she chokes out. No response except a light flick directly on her clit. Subconsciously she registers her son in the next room and curses the fact that her walls aren't soundproof. Her fingers grab on to the blanket beneath her, grasping, pulling trying to divert the feeling building inside of her so she doesn't scream. It's not long before she feels herself spiraling.

"El," she cries out again but he doesn't let up. He only increases the pressure against her clit and she shatters against his mouth. Her body convulses, her vision hazy and the sensations flow through every inch of her limbs. She's just coming down from her high when she feels his fingers enter her, stretching, working in and out. The building begins all over again. This time there's no hiding her sounds of pleasure.

Olivia is thrashing, attempting to close her legs because it's all too much but to no avail. Eventually she gives in to it, capitulates to his determination.

Because this is Elliot.

She holds the back of his head as he brings her over the edge twice more. When he stands, his face glistening from her arousal, she almost can't focus on him. Her body is limp. She lies across the bed utterly spent from her orgasms until he drops his boxers and his erection springs free. He's absolutely exquisite. A lazy smile spreads across her face as he lowers his massive frame over her.

"Something funny?" he teases. His lips are against her neck and his fingers play at the zipper of her corset. He manages to unzip it without breaking the contact of his mouth against her skin.

"Nothing at all," she moans. Throwing her head back, she feels the last bit of material that separates them being removed and thrown on the floor.

Elliot watches her in wonder, his fingers splaying across both of her dark pert nipples teasing and flicking them. Venturing down, he caresses her stomach, her hips, taking it all in. It brings her back to reality as she rubs his back while he continues to explore and stare at her body. She can feel the moment he realizes how incredible it all is. He hasn't even entered her yet, but the fact they are here together, naked, exploring each other in a way they had only dreamed of for years coupled with everything they had been through was nothing short of amazing.

He's been a part of her life emotionally even when he wasn't physically there. Dominating her thoughts, his presence was a warm blanket comforting her even when they were apart. The words start from deep in the crevice of her chest and work their way through. This time it doesn't get stuck. There is no fear or hesitation.

"Elliot," she whispers. Placing two fingers under his chin, she guides his face up to meet hers. "I love you."

His eyes squeeze shut, her hips aching from the pressure of his fingers digging in as if her words pain him.

There is a pregnant silence that looms between them until his eyes finally open and she sees the moisture on the edge of his eyelids.

"I love you too." He kisses her long and hard, positioning their bodies in the middle of the bed. "So much," he adds, his length teasing at her slick center. He drags his mouth away from her and sucks on one of her nipples. The force of his mouth is unforgiving. She could come from this alone. He switches to the other one, showing it the same amount of attention and Olivia is on the brink.

"Please," she begs because she can't wait anymore. It's been years of their push and pull, running to and from each other. All she wants is him like this right here right now. Giving him the last piece of herself that he doesn't already own.

His mouth descends on hers a second before he pushes into her, burying himself to the hilt with one deep thrust. The tips of her fingernails dig into the small of his back as her body adjusts to the welcome intrusion.

"Ok?" He rasps against her lips, his voice shaky with need.

She can't focus.

She can't speak.

She shakes her head, spreading her legs even more hoping that gives him the answer.

It does. He drags his length out of her slowly allowing her to feel every blessed inch of him. Her eyes roll back, her skin suddenly too warm. He rocks back into her smoother this time, rolling his hips and starting a devastating rhythm.

"So good," she cooes. Elliot pulls her left leg higher onto his hip, the angle finding the last bit of space inside her.

The air leaves her lungs, her teeth sinking into his neck as he continues to thrust.

Olivia begins to feel that deep burning in the pit of her belly and knows she's close. Elliot is all over her. Every inch of him on her. Inside her.

It's gloriously suffocating. She doesn't want this to end yet, worrying that her orgasm will trigger his.

Freeing her left hand from the strong hold on his back, she reaches for the bar on her headboard trying to brace herself for the imminent climax and create some type of space from him. She can't breathe.

Her walls begin to spasm around him. "I can't-"

"You don't have to," he assures her. He brings his hand up to cover hers on the bar, intertwining their fingers and fucks deeper into her. "Let go Liv."

"Uhhh I love you," she says as she goes over the edge. His grip on her hand tightens, the sweat gathering on his forehead as he fights to ride the wave of her release without going over. But it's a lost cause. He strokes once, twice, three times before emptying himself into her. She closes her eyes as the feeling of warmth gathers between her legs.

It's almost foreign. Not something she's let happen more than twice in her life but with him there was no question. Only answers.

Because this is Elliot.

Their breaths mingle as they both pant waiting for their heart rates to return to normal. Words still fail her. Her chest overflowing, absorbing what they've just done. She kisses his earlobe and caresses his back as he rests his head between her breasts.

They lay for what seems like minutes before Elliot is the first to break the silence. "We are going to have to do that again."

Olivia laughs, the vibration rumbling against his cheek. Brushing her hand across his cropped hair, she kisses the top of his head in response. The sweet salt from his sweat is addicting and she can't get enough of his taste.

"i think we could both use a rest," she whispers in his ear. "And I need to go check on Noah."

"Good idea," he lifts his head to gaze at her. "You probably woke him up with all that screaming."

That earns him a playful elbow to the ribs. "Let me up"

He lies back on the bed while she grabs her robe and ties it around her. His big naked body is the last thing she sees before she walks into Noah's bedroom and checks on him. As she suspected he's still sound asleep.

Olivia plants a sweet kiss on his forehead, stroking his hair and then shuts the door behind her softly. When she walks back into her bedroom she notices Elliot quietly talking on the phone. He points to the phone, mouthing to her that it's Maureen. She excuses herself to the bathroom to wash up and when she comes out a few minutes later he's under the covers sound asleep.

Instead of hopping into bed right away she stands and watches him. His arm is behind his head, his lips slightly parted and his chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm.

He's here.

He's really here.

After all this time, going to hell and back again he's here in her bed sleeping. It's a simple act but something much more meaningful for them. It's another part of him she hasn't seen. Something new that she hopes is in their future.

Dropping her robe, she climbs back in bed careful not to wake him. She faces him, crawling into the safety of his nook. His arm drops from behind his head to hold her against him, kissing her forehead.

Olivia sighs contently as her eyes flutter closed.

"I love you," he whispers into the night air.

She smiles, cuddling into him a little more. "I love you too."

As the silence surrounds them, she feels the safest and most loved that she's ever felt in her life. Maybe she can finally let her guard down and trust someone to take care of her. He's promised that he will never hurt her. She's heard it from men before but this time she believes it.

Because this is Elliot.

And in his arms she falls into a peaceful sleep.


	23. Chapter 23

**Author's Note:** Ok so like….I have a really good excuse this time for the delay. I won't bore you with the details but let's just say unprecedented Flooding down south, Displacement, Home under construction and yeah didn't have a whole lot of creativity flowing through my veins. I thought about this story here and there and what I wanted to do with it. I even thought about ending it but once I reread it I decided there were a few more things that needed to be addressed to bring it full circle. I also discovered when I reread it that last chapter wasn't as spicy as I wanted it to be. I feel like I shortchanged you guys a bit but let's make up for that shall we before we get back into the thick of things…

{~~~~~~~}

The fridge hums for eight seconds every hour. There's a light pitter patter of rain against the windowsill. Somewhere in her apartment there is a clock that ticks three times randomly and then stops. Elliot lays quietly, ignoring the stirring in his groin and makes a mental note to find out where. Her air conditioner makes a low whispering tone when it turns on and off, causing the hairs on his arms to stand up.

The same symphony of sounds repeat every hour.

Her bedroom wall must back up to her neighbor's living room because he can hear when they shut their TV on and off. Having a buffer there may actually be a good thing considering…..

Olivia's breaths are steady, echoing against her pillowcase. She shifts slightly under the thin blanket, a sliver of her bare shoulder coming into view. Instantly, the hardening between his legs intensifies. It almost seems like deja vu.

A similar scenario playing out just an hour and a half earlier. With her bottom half covered by only the sheet, her top half was completely exposed. Her hard nipples grazed against the contours of his chest and he opened one eye to see her smirking back at him with her eyes closed. He didn't have time to pounce. Olivia took the lead pressing his back to the mattress and sliding her wet center down his quivering erection.

Her full breasts bounced, her walls clenched as he watched himself disappear inside her core.

Each stroke more devastating than the last building toward an intense peak. His face contorted and her eyes rolled back as her rhythm began to falter. He took advantage, holding her flush against him as he rolled his hips hitting new nerves within her tight walls. It was only a matter of time before he spilled inside her but he was determined to bring her over the edge.

One long pull of her nipple into his mouth did the trick. She came apart, him thrusting a few more times before spilling himself deep inside. Exhausted and sated, she drifted off shortly after joking that she needed to actually get some rest. Elliot watched her sleep. Breathing in and out, his tongue tasting the salt from the beads of sweat on her arm as he kissed her there.

That was an hour and a half ago.

103 minutes ago to be exact according to the illuminated display on her iPad.

 _ **2:47am**_

He has been up for the last 30 minutes trying to stop himself from being a selfish son of a bitch and give her time to recover. But he couldn't wait to be inside her again. Years of waiting and yearning now working against him in the worst way.

She's probably a little sore, tired and have plans with Noah later in the day. But he'd be perfectly content if they could spend their day lounging around with Noah and sneaking in some alone time whenever they could. Letting out a frustrated breath, he moves carefully onto his back, the mattress dipping beneath his weight. Turning his mind off was never an easy feat for him. For years it was filled with the images of the countless victims they helped everyday and some they couldn't save. They creep up every now and then but for the most part he's been able to replace them with joyous memories of his children that he's made over the years since his retirement. Of thoughts of the future.

And of her.

Reflections of years spent not talking and wondering about her.

Worrying for her.

Praying for her.

Now his mind is engulfed in the events of the past few hours. The soft feel of her skin melding into his as he rocked deep into her body. The look of pure ecstasy on her face when she rode him and clenched her insides around him.

A moan escapes his lips from the memory and he peeks over again to see if there is some movement. Just something so he doesn't feel like a complete asshole for letting his desire get the better of him.

But nothing.

Scratching the small patch of hair on his chest, his other arm drapes across his forehead as he tries to quell the throbbing need simmering inside of him.

Minutes tick by and as if by some miracle Olivia moves her leg, crossing one foot over the other in an attempt to get more comfortable. Instantly, he accepts the invitation that she didn't realize she'd given.

His lips connect with her shoulder, kissing a path up to her neck while he turns on his side. The rock hard length of him grazes the curve of her ass, releasing a deep sound from his throat. Writhing, she leans back into his waiting arms, his right hand squeezing and kneading her breast.

"El," she moans softly.

And like their professional partnership before, she knows what he needs and when he needs it without him having to ask. Her legs part giving him just enough space to slide inside of her.

"I'm sorry," he murmurs weakly into her neck as he continues to fill her. "I wanted to let you sleep longer but I can't help myself." His voice catches on the last word as her walls spasm around him for a split second. "I love being inside you Liv."

Olivia whimpers. Her body yielding to his in a perfect cadence, speaking up where her voice fails. Once he's buried himself to the hilt he holds still, unmoving. Reveling in the feel of her against him, around him.

Elliot still can't believe that he's allowed to touch her like this. After the years of bullshit, frustration and tension they've endured both together and apart that he could have her in a way that was so untamed.

A content sigh escapes Olivia's lips and his dick responds immediately. Dragging the length of her, slowly pulling out until just the tip remains. He thrusts again, his arm draped across her waist holding her in the place she belongs, with him.

"Unhhh," she cries out, clawing at the short wisps of hair on his neck as he continues to move inside of her. Long and deep movements making sure she feels every blessed inch of him. Pouring out years of his stifled attraction in each smooth stroke.

Her breaths are ragged by the time his teeth sink into her shoulder trying to stop the build up that is already beginning. This will probably be the last time for at least a few hours that he will be able to make love to her and he's determined to make it last.

Olivia moves her hips in time with his. Her sweet folds clenching, grabbing trying to bring him over the edge with her. He groans at the effort it takes to hold on as his rhythm picks up, his skin slapping against hers. Her ass is perfectly nestled in the cradle of his pelvis, sliding and moving vigorously.

"You're so beautiful," he whispers in her ear. "I'm never going to get enough of this. Ever."

Her breath catches, moaning his name as the beginnings of her orgasm take hold.

"Shit," she curses burying her head in the pillow.

"Yes. That's it Liv," he coaxes her along. "Come for me."

Pushing past the resistance of her contracting walls he begins to fuck into her deeper. Harder.

"Elliot!" she screams unable to stop herself. Olivia drops her grip from the pillow and holds on to his hip instead.

Elliot is lost in the haze of his own desire. His vision begins to blur. Although he doesn't want to miss the look on her face, his eyes slip closed as his hand crosses her abdomen pinching and flicking her pebbled nipple. His rhythm increases, whispering endearments and encouragement. She would never admit that she wanted to hear those words and that was moreso the reason he said them.

Her limbs begin to shake as he mutters, "You're mine."

The words spur her own. She rocks back into him, taking over as his orgasm teeters on the brink. It's not just the feel of her slippery sex that causes the tingling in his length. It's witnessing the most controlled woman he knows wholly unleashed and feral as she brings him tumbling over the edge groaning her name.

They catch their breaths once again, the aftershocks of their fresh orgasm triggering spasms in the other. Olivia lifts her head peeking at the clock. "It's after 3am. You lasted two whole hours," she laughs making no attempt to dislodge herself from him.

"It wasn't easy," he chuckles in return kissing her ear. "Seems like it took forever. By the way where do you have a clock that ticks in here?"

Pulling the blanket higher over them, she scoots more into his nook evoking another groan from him. "What are you talking about?"

"There's a clock I heard it a few times ticking and then it stops."

"I think you have too much time on your hands." She grabs the hand that circles her waist and brings it up to her lips kissing his knuckles. Playing with his fingers she sighs contently before entangling her fingers with his and resting it at her waist again. The silence looms between them and he stays quiet while she's deep in thought.

His first instinct is to ask her what's on her mind but he decides against it. Olivia has to process and overthink everything. It's who she is.

And he loves that too.

Olivia lifts her head again to watch Noah's image on the iPad to see he's still fast asleep. He's grateful that her son is such a good sleeper because there's no way sex with them would ever be quiet.

"He's still sleeping," she says softly and he can't quite read the emotion in her voice so he opts for humor instead.

"If you gave him benadryl or something because you knew you were going to take advantage of me tonight you can go ahead and admit it. I won't judge you."

It works. She breaks out in a full on belly laugh and gently pulls away from his semi hard erection. His painful grumble makes her laugh harder. "Three rounds El. You can't hardly be up for another."

"You keep wiggling your ass near me and I'll be up for it much sooner than you are ready for."

Playfully, she taps his shoulder and gets up to go the bathroom not bothering to reach for her robe and shimmying her hips purposefully.

"I meant what I said," he calls after her.

"I'm sure you did."

Elliot turns over on his back, closing his eyes. The space beside him feels empty already but he knows she will return. The dull ache in his chest subsides at the understanding. Sometimes he has to remind himself of their new present. In the distance he hears the fridge hum, the clock tick as sleep begins to envelope him.

He'll rest for a few hours and as soon as he wakes up, he'll make love to her again.

{~~~~~~}

Olivia stretches a little, a delicious soreness radiating through her calves, thighs especially between her legs. It takes a brief second before the world comes into view, reality slamming her in the face. The muscular arm wrapped firmly around her bare middle, the creases of his palm embedded against her belly.

He is still there.

Every solid inch of him merges with every dip and curve of her body. She's wearing him like a second skin. A content sigh escapes her throat, her fingertips playing the thin hairs on his knuckles like a piano.

Her eyes remain closed, the rest of her senses working in overdrive. The room smells like sex, her jasmine body wash she uses religiously and the fragrance that is so very Elliot. His scent hasn't changed after all these years. And mixed with his sweat it's completely intoxicating.

After all this time, she knows. She knows what he feels like inside of her, how his face scrunches up when he comes, how his tongue flickers when he's pleasuring her orally. And he knows what she tastes like. For so long her body was the last part of herself that she hadn't given to him and now that was relinquished.

Olivia moves slightly while a small amount of panic rises in her chest. A mantra repeating over and over in her head.

 _I can do this. I can be happy. Just enjoy it. Don't overthink this._

"Good morning," Elliot rasps in her ear pulling her even closer into him. The low rasp of his voice ignites every nerve ending, temporarily silencing her doubts.

"Hmmm Good morning," she moans.

A slow rock of his hips and she immediately connects with his erection.

His hand begins to travel down her torso, past her belly button to the part of her he's pleasured so many times over the past few hours. "A good morning indeed."

The objection is on the tip of her lips when her eyelids crack and she sees Noah playfully kicking his legs in the air on the screen of her tablet.

"Oh shit, it's later than I thought." She throws the covers off in a frenzy and stands up to look for her robe.

"Hey hey," Elliot reaches out to try and catch her flailing arm. "He's ok just slow down."

"Don't tell me to slow down. It's after 7," she explains sliding her foot into two black slippers near her closet and tying the belt of her robe. "He usually wakes me up around 630 or I wake up before him."

Elliot falls back in the bed, resting his arm behind his head watching her with a small smile. Her annoyance is evident. "I'm glad you think this is funny. Here," she throws his pants and dress shirt at him both landing with a little thud against his chest. "Get dressed while I go and feed him breakfast."

"You don't have anything else I can wear?"

"I don't know," she responds flustered and opens the bedroom door. "I don't just keep men's clothes hanging around. There may be something of Brian's in there."

It doesn't dawn on her that it was a stupid thing to say until minutes later when she manages to have breakfast going, coffee brewing and Noah playing peacefully in the living room in record time.

The sounds of Elliot moving around her bedroom and bathroom are slightly faded out by the sound of the microwave and the eggs she's scrambling on the stove.

It's not easy but she pushes the thoughts of last night and this morning out of her head. She just needs to get through this day, spending time with Noah as she originally planned.

There was no doubt in her mind that Elliot would want to stay and hang out with her and Noah but she didn't think she was ready for that yet. The time with her son was precious and having Elliot be a part of that so soon would mean she would have to do some explaining. But then again he was 2. How much would he really understand?

As she scoops the eggs onto a nearby plate she curses herself that there isn't a guide to all of this. What's the "right" way and time to have him around Noah on a consistent basis?

Elliot appears out of nowhere, wrapping his arms around her waist and she startles. "Sorry didn't mean to scare you. Something smells good in here," he kisses under her ear.

He now smells like a mix of her body wash and his natural scent. Her first instinct is to lean into his touch, nestling herself into his nook as she did last night and her eyes slip closed. "Despite what you may think I really do know my way around the kitchen."

His lips press against the rim of her ear. "Apparently you know your way around a lot of things."

The innuendo snaps her back into the present and her gaze falls upon Noah still playing with his toys in the living room while the microwave beeps.

"All done mama," he yells not tearing his attention from his new favorite toy, a plush dog.

She pivots to the microwave, removing the plastic bowl and catches a glimpse of Elliot's bottom half out of the corner of her eye. He's still wearing his dress pants and all she can think about is how she knows exactly what's underneath the layer of fabric. Her body begins to react and she shakes her head to rid herself of the errant thoughts. Elliot chuckles and that gets her attention. When their eyes meet, his mischievous smile is evident.

Elliot's gaze drops down to her neck, the V shape that is exposed on her chest above where her robe begins covering her breasts, down her abdomen, her legs before his eyes travel back up and settle on the apex of her thighs. She looks down hoping that the robe hasn't opened and she's exposed but it's covered. She's just exposed in a different way.

His bottom lip is sucked between his teeth and she knows exactly what he's thinking. They are in an erotic standoff until her eyes flicker away for a second and she notices he's not wearing his dress shirt.

"Thankfully I didn't find any of Brian's clothes in there but I can't believe you still have this." His fingers massage the seams of the grey hoodie they shared often when they were partners.

Shrugging nonchalantly, she breaks eye contact with him. "Yeah well. I guess it was something I couldn't let go of."

The mood shifts from sexual to serious in an instant. And for a second their history plays back like an old black and white movie in her head. She wore the hoodie a lot during lazy weekends lounging around the apartment after he left. David asked her once why she wore it so much as a joke one weekend when he stayed over. She stopped wearing it until they broke up. Brian never asked.

Or maybe he didn't notice.

And in the weeks following her ordeal with Lewis it became a security blanket. A reminder of him wrapped around her damn near everyday as she tried to push back the hurt and betrayal that consumed her about his absence from her life.

"I'm glad you kept it," he says softly stepping closer into her space. "Some things are worth holding onto. No matter what," he adds dropping a kiss to her forehead.

It was fleeting. The realization and constant reminders that their long history didn't have to bind them in a constant state of regret.

"Excuse me," she backs out of his hold and begins to stir Noah's food and check the temperature. Elliot stands stiffly in the kitchen while she moves about her normal routine. Oatmeal and fruit for Noah, scrambled eggs, bacon and fruit for her. A quick meal that she learned to multitask and make in under 15 minutes for both of them which she considered a real accomplishment.

Elliot reaches for the coffee pot while she is grabbing the bacon and they run into each other. "Sorry," he apologizes.

"It's fine. Why don't you go have a seat and I'll bring the coffee to you?"

He rewards her with a thin understanding smile. He will give her the space she needs to process. "Ok."

She sighs watching him turn the corner and is grateful for the reprieve. It's all still new. For as gradual as their slow dance had been over the years they are now in a full fledge waltz. Waking up together, her fixing breakfast while he entertains her son. It's normal but different, calm yet terrifying. In some ways he's always been her beginning and her end. But it's the parts in the middle that worry her the most.

"Look!" Noah says to Elliot with excitement while Olivia finishes up with the last of the food.

The roar of Elliot's laughter causes her to turn around and his hand is tucked under his chin while he watches Noah in amusement. Walking out the kitchen towards the living room, slowly what he's laughing at becomes more into view...and she's mortified. The mass of red and silver satin she wore last night that was left on the floor when she urged Elliot to unzip it. He helped her step out of it and just like that the dress was forgotten.

"Looks like you forgot to pick up something," Elliot smiles ruefully.

"Mama. I made a tent!" Noah exclaims, his entire little body covered up in the skirt of her dress that is almost as tall as he is. And to his credit her son was definitely creative. He drapes the bodice over the opening in the middle to enclose himself in the material.

How she managed to not notice the huge ball of fabric in the middle of the floor when she brought him in there earlier she has no idea. Probably because once again she was distracted.

"That's not a tent Noah that's Mommy's dress," she gently scolds him pulling it over his head and folding it over her arm. "I guess it would've been too much to ask for you to take it from him."

Taking Noah's hand, she walks to his high chair with Elliot close behind and gets him settled.

"Hey I didn't want to ruin his tent. Especially since I have such fond memories of it myself." He wiggles his eyebrows and she playfully rolls her eyes.

They eat breakfast in comfortable silence with most of their focus on Noah. Elliot hadn't left and she didn't really expect him to. Instead she watches in awe as Noah laughs at every corny joke and funny face he makes. Before long she's joining in as well and the glimpses of panic that threatened to overtake her earlier fade as the morning goes on. After breakfast they watch one of his Pixar movies and Olivia begins to get her and Noah ready for the park.

Elliot hangs back awkwardly as she packs Noah's bag and turns his attention to the mini whiteboard on the fridge.

"Do you mind if I tag along?" He eventually asks.

She stares him up and down, willing him to notice that he's not exactly dressed for the occasion.

"Do you feel like you're dressed to go to the park?"

"I didn't realize they had a dress code," he shoots back. "Besides if we stop by my place real quick I can throw something on and be ready in a few minutes."

Olivia knows it will take longer but she can't deny the helpless look on his face.

"El-" she begins and he moves in closer silencing her with a peck on the lips. So much for explaining to Noah the nature of their relationship.

"I don't want the day to end that's all. Just-let's go to my place and let me change. It won't take long. He will have plenty of time on the swings."

Her eyebrows lift in surprise. "And yes I know that the swings are his favorite. He mentioned it before," he explains. "Anyway. We will be back by 1:30 just in time for his nap."

She's surprised again. "How di-?"

Elliot points at the schedule on the fridge.

"Oh."

"And while he's down for his nap," he wraps his arms around her waist whispering into her ear. "You and I are going to spend more quality time together."

"Quality hunh? So that's why you want to come along."

It was meant as a jab but his face turns serious again. "No it's not that. It's not _just_ that," he clarifies and she enjoys seeing the glimpse of the Elliot that wasn't always so great with words. "I want us all to spend time together. I know it may be soon but-. I don't want to force or push myself on you guys so if-"

She places her finger on his lips, "Shh. It's okay." He smiles in appreciation and kisses her finger.

They stand in silence a second too long before Noah finalizes the decision for them.

"Mama, Eli-yah leggo," he tugs on their hands impatiently.

"Ok," she chuckles. "Let's go."

Relief floods Elliots face and she is humbled that she's not the only one afraid of this unchartered terrain they are walking into.

"Leggo," Noah repeats after her as they finally make it to the door. The context of her son's words are meant differently but the message is one she needs to hear.

She needs to let go.

{~~~~~~}

 _I hope I haven't lost my touch through my hiatus. To answer your questions before they come,_ _ **no**_ _this isn't the end quite yet,_ _ **no**_ _it won't be smooth sailing,_ _ **yes**_ _it will all be worth it...at least I hope so. How about a review or two please? I miss them._


	24. Chapter 24

"Noah five more minutes honey and then it's time for bed," Olivia yells from the kitchen dropping the last dish into the dishwasher from dinner. Elliot shifts off the couch to sit closer to the little boy and help him put his last block in place. "We only have a little time left so we have to hurry buddy. Let's put this here," he says picking up a yellow square piece and placing it on top of the tower.

Yawning, he scrubs his hand down his face trying to brush off all signs of exhaustion.

The last few days had been somewhat of a whirlwind leaving him little time for a proper night's sleep. At the park, he, Noah and Olivia had a great time. There were uncomfortable moments where he made sure he wasn't overbearing and to give them their time alone together. They took turns pushing Noah on the swings and he stood on the sidelines and watched while she got on one of the jungle gyms with him. He spent the next two days at his house because he had Eli, Dick had come over to watch the football game with him and he also wanted to give her some space. It was a delicate dance they were doing, something he figured happened at the beginning of all relationships. He was careful not to crowd her and still handle his responsibilities but he had waited a long time to be with Olivia. It was hard to hold back sometimes. And now that Eli was back with Kathy he didn't want to spend his time in his apartment alone, shuffling through mindless TV with a beer and takeout. Instinctively he felt drawn back to her home and wanted to spend every moment he could with her and Noah.

"Got it, look!" Noah shouts, pointing to the tower he successfully built that stands a little taller than him.

"You did a great job. High five."

Noah high fives him with a giggle.

"Now what do you say we tear the tower down?", Elliot whispers riling him up.

"Yes!"

Together they send the mass of plastic tumbling to the floor. Any blocks that remain standing, his little hand swipes them over and Elliot joins in to spread them out. The bigger the mess, the more Noah giggles and Elliot can't help but laugh in return.

"Noah no!" Olivia fusses wiping her hand on the dishcloth and tossing it over her shoulder. "Now remember what we talked about. You make a mess you have to clean it up."

Her tone is gentle but firm and the toddler pokes out his bottom lip sneaking a glance over at Elliot as if he's looking for backup. Olivia's stare burns a hole in the side of his face. He knows the game all too well and quickly makes his position known. "Mommy's right, come on let's clean up our mess."

Olivia heads back to the kitchen and a piece of paper falls off the coffee table landing at Elliot's foot as he walks with Noah to pick up his toys. He glances at it and sees it's a work order from the building. "What's this?"

Curious, she leans over and glances at the paper before shrugging it off. "Oh it's my maintenance order to fix the sink. It was leaking a little bit."

He's still staring down at the paper when she turns to walk out the room with Noah in her arms. "Let me put him down. I'll be right back."

Letting out a deep breath, Elliot drops one more toy of Noah's into the toy box, a shy smile on his face. He had really grown fond of him in such a small amount of time and was grateful for quiet nights like tonight..

Exhausted, he settles himself on the left end of the sofa where the paper he was holding in his hand is staring back at him. It was a simple thing. She had her building super fix her leaky sink. But in the back of his mind it bothered him because she didn't think to ask him or bring it to his attention. Whenever she needed something she shouldn't have to rely on her building super or anyone else. He wanted to meet all of her needs.

Laying his head back, his eyes drift shut and he quickly rids himself of the thoughts. He is there. In her apartment. She was allowing him in, slowly but surely. Some battles just weren't worth fighting. He yawns, scratching his chest lightly through his blue shirt and kicks off his shoes. A few minutes later, he drifts off to sleep.

Soft flutters across his skin slowly pull him from slumber. The touch is sudden yet familiar, gliding across his body like honey. His muscles relax, lips softly curl up as he hears her soft gasp inches from his face. His body then registers the rest of her presence.

Long legs intertwine with his, the soft feel of her shirt grazing against him and the warmth of her proximity ignites the rest of his senses.

He sighs contently. Every night should be like this. Quiet, serene, the comfort of her touch giving him a peace he's chased for years and finally caught.

"I know you're awake." Her voice is low and husky causing goosebumps to break out over his body.

"Nope. I'm still sleeping," he jokes with his eyes still closed but the brightness of his demeanor is evident.

Olivia's hands roam from his arm down his abs to the button of his jeans. A low moan escapes Elliot's throat and he can feel himself harden more and more by the minute.

"I know because your body is giving you away," she whispers against his throat. Her lips softly graze his neck and his breath hitches. It's so familiar but yet brand new. Her touching him like this.

"How so?" his breath catches in his throat as her fingernails connect with his pubic hair on their way down to where he craves relief. Elliot can feel her lips curl up into a smile against his neck.

This is Olivia.

Bare. Exposed. In control and seducing _him_.

It's almost too much to fathom and his eyes screw shut trying to remain still while she explores him.

When her fingers graze his rock hard dick, he startles, the sensation overwhelming. "This right here," she chuckles low at his response. "This is what's giving you away." She's caressing the full length of him and he's hard as stone. Despite the calming mantra he's reciting in his head, every brush of her hand sends a tingle up his spine. The confidence is radiating off of her in waves punctuated by a low drawl in her throat. Apart from the firm kisses she's peppering along his neck and chest, the rest of her touch is gentle and delicate.

Against his leg, Olivia is writhing as she continues to stroke his length. Aroused, he begins to tug at the t-shirt she has on but she doesn't move her arms away to give him access.

"Ah-ah," she teases slapping his hand away. Elliot groans in protest. "I'm in charge." That does it. He almost comes in her hand just from that. The vibration of her voice, mixed with the maddening rhythm she was keeping up was almost too much. Before he knows what's going on, her warmth is gone. With one eye open, he peeks to see where she is and his heart nearly stops. All he sees is the top of her head, her brown hair fanned out as she's situating herself on her knees on the side of the sofa….in front of him.

 _Is she really about to…_

She frees him from the confine of his pants and he still hasn't taken a breath since she left his side. His heart races from the lack of oxygen, muscles frozen in place as he tries to quell his desire. He didn't want her to think this was expected because of how he's pleasured her. Not knowing the extent of what she had gone through with Lewis and Harris played on his mind too. But damn did he want her lips on him. He'd had far too many fantasies about it and….Shit.

"Stop," he grabs her hands still firmly grasping his erection. She lifts her perfectly arched eyebrow in confusion. "I mean—you don't have to—"

Olivia doesn't say a word, eyeing him speculatively for what seems like minutes before her lips tip upwards. She takes his hand off hers and puts it in her hair instead. There is a flash of something in her eyes that he doesn't have enough time to register.

"Li—". Her name is lost in a sea of groans as she completely ignores him and begins to move her hot, wet mouth over him. She's relentless, taking what's hers. The combination of the feeling between his legs and the sight of her on her knees in front of him cause his body to start jerking. He's hurling towards an orgasm quicker than he thought and his pride is about to be slaughtered.

"Shit," he curses and tugs a little bit on her hair. But she doesn't stop. He didn't want to come like this. He wanted to push himself inside of her and feel her tight body spasm around him with his name falling repeatedly from her lips.

As if she was reading his mind, Olivia stands quickly taking off her shirt and pants. Even in a lust filled daze, he sees her eyes flit over to the door of Noah's room making sure there are no movements or sounds.

"We can go in the bedroom," he offers.

A seductive smile is all she offers him before reaching behind her to unclasp the light blue bra that matches her underwear.

"Nope. I want you right here," she says simply as the garment hits the floor making the smallest of sounds. "Sit up for me."

Intrigued by her take-charge attitude and mesmerized by her tall stature in front of him, he hesitates briefly before sitting up straight on the couch.

Olivia's hair is messy, a blush beginning to blanket her entire body, her nipples hard begging to be covered by his mouth. Dropping her panties to the floor and pulling his pants down to his ankles, she takes her place hovering over his erection. Not wasting any time, she begins to kiss and nip at his lips completely devouring him. Elliot grabs her waist trying to steady her but she grabs his hands placing them back at his side. He tries again and she stops him.

"Wha-?" he asks breathless between kisses.

"Don't touch Elliot," she whispers into his ear. "Not until I tell you too."

 _Well ok then…_

He could do this. He could keep his hands off her.

Her hand encircles his rigid length and she slowly sinks down.

Elliot cries out and she quiets him with her mouth as she continues to move over him. Her hips move with graceful force threatening to send him into oblivion. No. No he can't do this.

He wants to dig his fingernails deep into her hips and push into her with brute force. The fact that she is so wet and he hadn't so much as touched her had his brain firing on all cylinders. His hands reach out to touch her again and despite her focus on riding him slow and calculated, she stops him again.

He groans in frustration. "Liv please." He's breathless and desperate to feel her, just any part of her smooth skin as she took him.

"No," she commands just as she tightens her muscles around him.

Elliot's head falls forward between her breasts as her rhythm increases. She's holding nothing back now and his hands fist at his side as he uses all the strength he has to keep his hands to himself and not come before she does. Her walls are so tight, almost trapping him inside and he knows she's close. But so is he.

"Come please," he's begging. No matter what situation they are in he's always going to want her pleasure. He wants to make sure that she is taken care of before he lets go. He's going to come so hard that he can't see straight.

"Liv," he manages, his voice almost muffled by the slick skin between her cleavage. Every stroke of her body emits a sound from deep in his throat. She's in total control while he's spiraling.

If he could just touch her. If he could just drive up into her and take her pebbled nipples into his mouth and suck with the full force of his desire for her, she would come. He knows she would.

Her rhythm falters and the spasms between her thighs are closer together as she struggles to speak. "Now."

Elliot's hands are on her hips instantly, almost lifting her off the couch with the force of his thrust. She buries her head in his neck, her teeth finding refuge on his skin but he doesn't feel the pain. Only the pleasure of her wet heat coating his throbbing erection. His mouth closes over her left breast as he continues to take her and she succumbs to it all, with him following right behind her.

Sated, he wraps his arms around her waist holding her close to him. She's still catching her breath and although it was some of the best sex of his life he can't help but feel that something is wrong. A few strands of hair stick to her sweaty forehead as he tries to wipe them away from her eyes so he can see what's wrong. Olivia buries her eyes away from him.

He tenses. "Liv?"

"Yeah."

"You ok?"

"Yeah," she mumbles breathlessly but still doesn't lift her head. His fingers slide across her slippery back and her muscles tense beneath his touch.

"Are you su—"

Her phone rings startling them both before she sinks into him letting out a frustrated sigh. "Not right now," she complains, reaching over to the coffee table for the offending gadget managing to keep their lower halves connected. He groans at the contact.

"Liv," he whispers trying to get her attention again to no avail.

"Benson," she answers, her arm wrapped around her breast attempting but failing to cover herself. "Okay…..I'll be right there...no no it's fine. I'm glad you called. Okay bye."

Elliot sighs in frustration knowing that any hope he had of finding out what's really wrong has now faded that she's back in Lieutenant Benson mode. "So you have to go?"

"Yeah there's a break in the Holland case that I asked them to call me about when something happened." She begins to frantically gather her clothes. "I need to call Lucy and have her come over."

Before he could answer she was walking past him into the bedroom. His first instinct is to follow her, make her explain what just happened and why she has a wall up suddenly but there is one thing about Olivia that will never change no matter what happens in her life and how much time goes by. She will not open up until she's ready. No matter how much he pushes her.

"Shit," she curses walking back into the living room zipping up her black slacks. "Lucy isn't answering. That's not like her." The phone rings in her hand as he buttons up his shirt.

"Shit."

"Don't worry." His voice strains and he looks down as her feet slide into her boots. "I'll stay with him."

"Benson," she answers before he can fully finish the sentence. "No I'm heading out right now I was waiting….ok I'm on my way."

Grabbing her jacket, she gives him a quick kiss and holds up her phone. "I'll keep trying her, it shouldn't be long. Thank you for doing this." Elliot watches the scene play out before him and within seconds she's gone. One minute she was on top of him, riding him, hurling them both towards an intense orgasm and the next she was off to work like nothing happened. If anyone was used to the perils of working as a cop and having to switch gears it was him but he couldn't shake the feeling that there was something deeper going on.

Reaching for his T-shirt, he pads quietly to Noah's room as he pulls the garment over his head and verifies that the toddler is still asleep. After his confirmation, he walks to the kitchen to fix himself a glass of water when his text message notification goes off.

 _Lucy will be there in an hour if that's ok. She has to wrap up something for school. Thanks again for staying._

Frowning, he places the phone back down on the table draining the rest of the water from his glass.

The small clock that rests near her television reads 10:02pm and his eyelids begin to grow heavy. All he wants to do is take a shower and go to sleep but he figures he should stay awake until Lucy arrives. His fingertips restlessly tap together as his distorted thoughts about Olivia, the memory of their lovemaking, and Lucy's arrival all weave together. He decides to take another route instead. It makes no sense for Lucy to come over so late at night. She was young and maneuvering the city at this time of night when he was already there made no sense. Being the ever diligent mother she was, Olivia had Lucy's number on the fridge along with Noah's doctors, his play group, and of course the maintenance guy. Elliot huffs and dials the babysitter's number, careful to keep his voice down.

"Hey Lucy it's me Elliot. I'm at Olivia's. Don't worry about it I can stay with Noah tonight." Lucy gives a weak objection on the other end but he swears he can hear a bit of relief especially when she says she's studying for finals. "I promise it's no problem," he assures her. "I'll text Liv and let her know. Goodnight."

Elliot shuts off the phone, texts Olivia and toes quietly to the bathroom to shower and go to sleep. Surely she would be tired and stressed when she got home and he wants to be there waiting for her. Even if she's not up for talking, at least she didn't have to deal with the aftermath of the case alone.

{-}

Maybe she was getting too old for this. Almost sixteen hours later, Olivia drags herself down the hall towards her apartment. Every muscle hurts, her eyelids heavy, she's hungry and exhausted. Over the years, she's gone much longer in interrogations, worked longer shifts but there was something about this case that was taking it out of her. It didn't help that she had just finished seducing Elliot right before she left for work. There wasn't a chance to take a nice long bath in hot water afterwards to ease her sore muscles….or for her to think. Instead she powered through, maneuvering around the interrogation room with the soreness between her legs as a constant reminder of what she had just done.

Elliot had text her several times while she was at work but she hadn't opened the messages, not wanting to deal with anymore distraction. Everything was fine between them but she couldn't help feeling overwhelmed. He was always a larger than life presence, a massive shadow in one way or another looming over everything in her life. She wants him there, Noah likes him and she feels fulfilled in a different way than before but she also feels out of control...vulnerable.

Her issues run deep. The time she clocks in with Lindstrom and stuck inside her own head is evidence of that and she doesn't want it to ruin her relationship. When she approached Elliot falling asleep on the sofa, her intention was just to lay with him and enjoy the quiet time together. But the second she touched him a feral need rose out of nowhere leaving her completely off balance. Mixed with all the feelings she's had since he came back into her life, it scared the shit out of her and she just needed a way to feel in control since her heart was free falling into the abyss of Elliot Stabler.

Exhausted, Olivia shakes the thoughts from her head and takes the keys out of her pocket brushing her hair off her forehead. As she opens the door, the smell of something cooking fills her nostrils and the person dominating her thoughts stands before her. "What are you doing here?"

She looks him up and down, noticing his change of clothes but already assessing that he hasn't left her house since last night. Elliot furrows his brow in confusion. "What do you mean? I told you I was here."

There's toys all over the floor and smoke coming from a pot on the stove. She shucks her jacket, gun and purse while slowly walking further into the living room. "Where's Lucy?"

"She never came. It was late so I told her don't worry about it."

He leans in to give her a kiss but she stops him, her hands planted firmly on his chest. "You did what?"

Elliot rubs his hands along her arms in a soothing gesture. "It was going to be late and I didn't have anything to do until later today so I told her don't worry about. Noah and I had a pretty good time."

Olivia takes a deep breath, her chest becoming tight. She feels….something but can't quite put her fingers on it. Anger, confusion, disbelief are at the top of the list. Trying to put the pieces together, she looks down at her phone. He had tried to text her but she ignored them figuring it was some racy texts or something she couldn't deal with at the moment.

"I started something simple for dinner. I figured you would be tired," Elliot walks to the kitchen motioning to the pot on the stove. Wordlessly, she follows behind him still not able to convey what she's feeling in an appropriate way.

"Liv, you ok? Wanna talk about it?"

The clueless look on his face tells her that he has no idea that she is pissed or that he's done anything wrong. It makes her angrier. "Yeah. Where is Noah?"

First things first. She hadn't seen her son in hours and wanted to just lay her eyes on him.

"He's asleep but he should be up soon. He's been down almost an hour," Elliot rattles off as if he's known the little boy and his schedule for a long time.

Olivia takes a deep breath trying to sound somewhat calm when she addresses him. It's been a long night and she doesn't feel like arguing. "Why would you call Lucy and cancel?"

Elliot frowns. "I told you because it was late."

"I knew it was late when I called her." She walks back into the kitchen away from Noah's door. "She is used to coming here late. That's our routine and it's part of the reason I hired her because she has such a flexible schedule."

"When I called her she was busy studying," he folds his arms in a defensive posture. "There was no need to drag her away from the library across town when I was right here. I didn't mind watching him."

"But I didn't ask you to," she yells putting her hand over her mouth trying to regain her composure. This isn't supposed to be happening. They are fine. Nothing's been wrong. She didn't need this shit right now.

"I just wanted to help. I'm here why not-"

"I didn't ask you for your help Elliot. I have a routine. You should've told me!"

"I tried! You didn't pick up the damn phone," he defends himself. "And what's up with that anyway? You didn't have a second to even respond back?"

Olivia's eyes widen and any chance of her holding back her anger disappear. "I didn't have time to send messages back and forth with you Elliot. I didn't see a reason to if you'd just had Lucy come over here like I planned. I didn't think you would make arrangements about MY child behind my back. It's not your place. And how did you get her number anyway?"

Elliot points to the fridge his jaw clenching and fingers flexing.

Jerking the fridge door open, she picks up a beer and angrily twists off the cap while walking into the living room. Distance from him is what she needs even if it's just in a different room.

"I'm sorry for trying to help you."

"Oh don't pull the self righteous shit on me Elliot. You can't just come in here and make all the rules."

"How am I doing that? By actually expecting you to include me and treat this like a real relationship?"

Olivia swallows the rest of the bitter brew in her mouth, her nostrils flaring. "How have I not treated this like a relationship?"

Elliot closes his eyes, his chest expanding with heavy measured breaths. "I just meant that..I just want you to see I'm here. You called Lucy and didn't even bother to ask me to stay and I'm standing right here," he says pointing to the ground to emphasize his point. She pauses, unsure what to say. "Or what about this?" he hands her a piece of paper she quickly discerns to be a maintenance ticket.

"It's from when I had the sink worked on. So what?" she tosses the paper back down on the table prepared to battle with him about his earlier comment instead.

"Why didn't you tell me that something was wrong with your sink? I could've fixed it."

"Oh my god Elliot are you serious?" she rolls her eyes. "You're really picking an argument with me about a damn work order. I've never seen you fix a damn thing. When did you become Mr. Handy? Not to mention I've always lived in apartments so I've always had maintenance men. Howard fixes things all the time."

"That's my point." He moves closer to her and she tries like hell to not be affected by his proximity. They are in the middle of arguing and the last thing she needs to notice is how his breath on hers and how the closeness of her body makes her feel. "We're together now. Why not let me help you?"

"Would you listen to yourself? So I have a man now so everything about my life is supposed to change? I've never been that type so if that's the kind of woman you are looking for then this is doomed. I do fine handling things on my own. I always have. Me and my son get along just fine and if I happen to need your help then I will ask you. Don't force it on me."

The flash of hurt on Elliot's features is quick but she sees it. It's quickly replaced by anger and it's obvious they are getting nowhere. HIs voice is low and measured when he speaks again. "Would you really?"

"What?"

"Would you really ask for my help if you needed it?"

Olivia scoffs prepared to say yes because it's the obvious answer but something stops her. The pause is his confirmation. She's done it all for herself for so long it never dawns on her to ask for help. When something was broken at her house she hired someone, she hired her babysitter, she had AAA if her car broke down. She wasn't used to relying on favors or anyone. Everything was in order and planned out especially since she's had Noah. Her work life was unpredictable but everything else she tried to have in order. She's always been in control.

"That's what I thought."

"Elliot," she says but he turns around gathering his clothes that she's not sure where they came from and his keys. "Would you wait a second? Don't turn this around on me. You were completely out of line for keeping my son and not telling me about it."

His lips curl up into a sad smile, his head shaking back and forth in agreement. "You're right. I'm sorry."

A pregnant silence extends between them and she doesn't know what to say or how to make him understand. It wasn't a slight against him, but she needed things to be the way they always were. She was comfortable now. She'd made a way without anyone's help and not having to rely on anyone and she just needed him to understand.

"I'm going to head out. I need to handle some stuff for work."

"El," she calls out to him but he's already at the door with the knob in his hand.

"Goodnight Liv."

And she watches in silence as he leaves, the door shutting softly behind him.

* * *

 _Very curious to know whose side are you guys on here? This argument was for a very specific reason as there's something I've noticed about their dynamic over the years when they were partner that will play out in the next chapters. But I would love to hear your thoughts on this one, say in a Review perhaps :)_


	25. Chapter 25

Author's Note: Sorry again for the long delay in updating this one. Turns out writing multiple stories at once leaves me a little scatterbrained. If you aren't checking out my other story "After the Rain" please. Shameless plug aside thanks to all of you for giving me your thoughts on Elliot and Olivia's argument. It was a very mixed response. In terms of the issues between them well...they won't magically disappear.

{-}

Elliot sits at his small dining room table holding his "#1 Dad" coffee mug in one hand and grasping his phone in the other. It isn't ringing. No text message notifications, no type of alert whatsoever. He blows out a deep breath, frustrated at himself for even behaving this way. They were at a standoff, neither willing to make the first move.

He spent half the night tossing and turning, picking up his phone to dial her number and then setting it back down again. It was stubborn and immature but he felt like she owed him an apology. It was also a stalling tactic. Olivia didn't do well when she was backed into a corner and if they talked about it before she was ready there was a risk she would say something that he wasn't ready to here. Still, it hurt him any second they spent mad at one another. He could've had the woman he loved next to him in bed and felt her smooth skin, the dips and curves of her luscious body. Instead he spent the night alone staring at the ceiling dozing off for no more than an hour at a time replaying the argument in his mind.

 _I'm sorry for trying to help you._

 _I do fine handling things on my own._

Under the table his knee bounces nervously, the breakfast on his plate moves around uneaten. The feeling of uncertainty rests at the pit of his belly and even though it hasn't been 24 hours, he misses her. He misses her so damn much. It seems like such a silly argument in hindsight but an issue he feels would mar the course of their relationship, her overwhelming independence and his tendency to insert himself to help her.

Elliot jerks the phone off the counter, nearly dropping the travel itinerary from work he received last night that is also in the back of his mind. He will deal with that later.

"Fuck this," he mumbles to himself and half heartedly to the airplane ticket to Denver staring back at him.

Instead of calling and risking waking up Noah he types a text message instead. _Good Morning._

No that's lame. He deletes and then starts again.

 _Can you talk?_

It's generic but maybe that will work although he still doesn't know what they will talk about. He's standing firm on what he believes….well somewhat firm. She's got to let him in and let the other shit go. They've come too far to be right back at square one. He hadn't been back in her life long but he thought when they made the decision to start their relationship they were finally done with the past. Even saying it to himself it sounded naive but he didn't expect such a fierce reaction from her regarding the situation with Noah.

Dragging his hand down his face, he sighs loudly rolling his head back and forth to release some of the tension in his neck. Nothing with them had ever been easy. He's not sure why he expected any different but he always felt prepared for Olivia's anger. As partners, he braced himself every time they were on opposite sides of a case usually involving kids or religion. In those instances he was ready for how far he would take it and sometimes anticipate her responses. He was only thrown off by her when she returned from Oregon and the tension with them had been at its height. Now he is completely blindsided. It wasn't about a case or something they could attempt to leave behind them when the verdict was in and the paperwork was completed. This could go on and on and he needs them on the same page. He needs her, more than he ever realized. Ending his marriage was one thing because he saw that coming after years of trying and failing but Olivia. He wants...no he needs this to work.

As he pushes the button to send the message his phone rings and Kathleen's name crosses the screen.

"Hey honey," he answers gruffly, pouring the rest of his cold coffee down the sink.

"Hey I know it's a little early but I have to meet a friend to hang out on the other side of town so I was going to drop off Eli."

Elliot racks his brain trying to remember something he's clearly forgotten.

Kathleen sighs. "Don't tell me you forgot."

"No, no not at all," he lies squeezing his forehead willing himself to remember. His mind has been all over the place the last 24 hours thanks to work and Olivia.

"Dad!"

"Okay I give. I forgot."

Kathleen's annoyed groan reflects exactly how he feels. "You and Eli were supposed to go and see the monster truck show later today since he got out of school early. He's been looking forward to this."

 _Shit._

"Did something happen with work and you have to cancel?" He's already shaking his head no even though she can't see him. Despite the changes over the past few years, it's evident that his kids sometimes forget they are his number one priority now.

"Not at all," he grimaces once again eyeing the itinerary in front of him. "Bring him on up. He and I can go grab a bite to eat or something before we go. You know I hate to buy food inside these things it costs a fortune."

That comment earns him a sarcastic chuckle from his daughter and he begins to relax a little bit. "You're such a cheapskate Dad."

"$9.50 for a hot dog," he laughs while looking around in his closet for something to put on to replace the t-shirt and sweatpants he's currently wearing. "Five bucks for a coke. I could get us both meals for that somewhere."

"Wherever that place is I don't want to eat there. By the way we're already pulling up so buzz us in."

Twenty minutes later, the three of them are gathered around the table trading barbs about Elliot being cheap and Kathleen nurses a cup of coffee, watching him intently.

"So which one are you looking forward most to seeing?" Kathleen prompts an over excited Eli.

"I just want to see them all fly through the air and smush up a bunch of cars."

His son's excitement lessens the dull ache in his chest even if for just a few moments. However, his smile doesn't quite reach his eyes and he looks up from a fresh cup of coffee to see the mirror image of his blue eyes staring back at him intently. Quickly diverting his gaze back to Eli, he continues to ask his youngest son questions and laugh at his animated gestures but he can already sense that he isn't doing much to deter his inquisitive offspring.

Kathleen stands up from the table, collecting their empty mugs on her way to the kitchen. Elliot sneaks a peek at his phone and sees that he still has no messages from her, just an email from his boss probably confirming the inevitable. His short fingernails tap the table impatiently while he shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

"Hey Eli, why don't you go in your room and watch TV for a bit while me and Dad talk?"

He looks like he wants to protest but listens to his big sister anyway and walks away with his shoulders slumped.

"What's that abo-"

He stops mid-sentence at the piece of paper she places in front of him. "When were you going to tell us? Are you about to leave is that why you're being so weird?"

Elliot sighs and stands up to stretch his legs needing to create a little distance. "I was going to tell you when it was set in stone and I'm not being weird. There may be someone who can go in my place. They are only pushing this Denver thing because McMahon is really sick and can't go. He has to have surgery in a week," he explains pleading with her to understand. "You know I wouldn't just up and leave without telling you guys as soon as I could."

Kathleen's lips curl up a tiny bit and he can tell he's gotten through. "Okay well you know I have to pack for you so let me know when it's official."

"I will," he pulls her into a side hug placing a kiss on her forehead.

"I'm serious Dad. Or I'll send Lizzie over here and that's much worse."

He chuckles and releases her from his hold. "You get no argument from me there."

"So if it isn't work then what's going on?"

Damn. He really can't get anything past his girls.

"Don't even think about it," she holds up her hand to cut him off before he opens his mouth to give her an excuse. "Just tell me. Is it Liv?"

Elliot shrugs with a defeated stance.

"What did you do?"

Well shit, but he guesses he can't expect anything different. He doesn't have the best track record with women. He walks over to the sofa and Kathleen joins him on the other end, her arms folded and legs tucked underneath her making it clear that she's not going anywhere.

"I thought you had plans to meet your friend?" he asks hoping to remind her that she's running late for something.

"I already texted her and as luck would have it she's running behind too. So spill it."

Despite feeling a bit sheepish he relays the night's events to his daughter and thankfully she has a really good ability to listen and not interrupt which causes him to talk more. Omitting the sex on the couch of course, he talks about the mixup over Noah and how she is hell bent on doing everything herself even when he's there to help. When he's done he feels like he's made a pretty good case for himself but once he meets Kathleen's stare he realizes he may not have won her over after all.

"So?"

"You want my honest opinion?" Her tone is soft, her pink converse hitting the floor as she sits up to square her shoulders with his. He braces himself for it. It amazes him that after living in a house full of women for years he still doesn't understand them.

"You've been gone awhile. You can't expect everything to change overnight."

Steadying himself to speak again, she places her hand on his knee to stop him. "It takes time. Liv has been on her own for awhile. Even before you left y'know? Look at how it is with us kids. It's still hard for us to adjust to how everything is now that we can talk to you and that work isn't consuming your life and it's been years. Saying I'm sorry doesn't make everything just go away."

Logically what she's saying makes perfect sense but he's just trying to do the right thing for everyone and he seems to still be messing up.

"I think it's more than that. When it comes to family she just shuts me out. When everything happened with her brother, she dealt with it on her own. I had to follow her to see what was going on and we almost both got ripped. Now with Noah I just tried to watch him-"

"Ok so what do you think the reason is that she keeps you out of her family matters?"

Elliot shrugs, the tension building in his shoulders. "You know, she didn't even ask me when she helped you. She just went out there," he flails his arms, "talked to my mom and you and got all involved and didn't even ask me."

"Like you did with her brother," she reminds him and he sighs rolling his eyes. She's right.

"But why did she have to do that?" Kathleen asks.

"What?"

"Why did she have to go behind your back? She had just found out about her brother and was trying to put the pieces together but-"

Elliot stands and begins to pace while she talks. "Dad you said it yourself that she didn't even know Grandma was alive. That's pretty shitty don't you think?"

He shakes his head in denial. "That's beside the point."

"You were at her mom's funeral. You know everything about her whether she lets you in or not but you keep everything to yourself. She worked along side you everyday but how much does she know about the stuff that happened with Grandpa or about Aunt Ju-"

"Okay Okay," he interrupts waving her off.

"Dad, you just can't expect to get everything when you don't give everything. That's all I'm saying. You keep a lot bottled up. I'm sure Liv is feeling pretty vulnerable with….everything."

Elliot chuckles bitterly, hand on his hip as he looks over to the pictures of his kids on his mantlepiece. "I can't believe I'm getting romantic advice from my kids. I must be a real sorry SOB."

Kathleen smiles, grabbing her purse preparing to leave. "It's ok Dad. Just call her and work this out. Don't let this fester too long ok?"

"I won't as long as you promise not to tell your sisters. I don't want to worry them over nothing."

Staring at him knowingly, she lifts her eyebrow while putting the phone in his hand for him to call Olivia. "You just don't want to be lectured again but I hear you. I'll keep it to myself," she says grabbing the door handle, "for now."

Elliot places a quick kiss on her forehead as she yells goodbye to Eli and promises to be back later if he needs her to pack for his trip.

The sound of the door slamming echoes through the living room giving him just a few moments to think through Kathleen's advice. Eli is playing around in his room so he knows the peace is short lived. He pads over to the table with his hand gripping the phone and suddenly he's tired. With Olivia, even when he didn't want to admit it he prided himself on being her everything and pushing the doors down to let himself in when she didn't open them willingly. Never once did he think about or feel guilty for not letting her in the same way.

Their relationship had been a balanced imbalance for years. She's been vulnerable more than he's been vulnerable. He's pushed more than he was pushed. But they both protected each other fiercely and without hesitation.

He has to fix this and he's dialing her number before he even realizes.

"Hello."

The relief at hearing her voice renders him speechless for a split second before he recovers. "Hey."

"Hey." Her voice is soft, void of anger and it puts him more at ease.

"I'm so sorry Liv." _For everything. For things I can't begin to explain to you._

"Me too."

His shoulders immediately relax, a weight off his shoulders. "I didn't mean-to," he stutters, scratching his eyebrows willing the right words to form.

"I know. I know I didn't mean to either." Her words come out in a desperate rush and he feels solace in the fact that the argument between them was bothering her just as much. They haven't ironed out the details of what the other is sorry for but at least the apology is out there.

"I've been meaning to call," she adds and he waves his hand as if she can see him. "No no I needed to apologize. I didn't mean to push I just-I just wanted-"

"Dad dad is it time to go yet?" Eli interrupts. His blonde curls bounce freely with his exaggerated head movements.

Elliot turns back to him, his temporary annoyance at being interrupted overpowered by the adoration of his son and his feisty attitude that he no doubt inherited from him. "Hey baby-I gotta..."

She cuts him off with an amused chuckle. "I understand. Believe me."

And she does. He's made some asshole remarks to her over the years about not being able to understand certain things because she wasn't a parent but he's happy they have this solid ground.

"I'll call you later?" He asks still a little unsure of himself.

"Yes," he can hear the smile in her voice. "You better call me later."

As he hangs up the phone he turns to an impatient Eli urging him to change shirts while he sends Olivia a quick text message.

{-}

I love you.

Olivia is glancing at the text, tracing the words on the screen when she hears a knock at the door. "Pippa? I didn't know you were coming by."

She quickly texts him back. _I love you too._

"Oh trust me I won't be long because I have somewhere to be," she announces proudly. Olivia doesn't have to guess why based on how she's glowing. Her red hair is perfectly in tact and she's dressed much nicer than normal, which for Pippa is no easy feat. She's usually dressed to the nines on any given day. But today her usual skirt and blazer ensemble is replaced with a simple but form flattering black wrap dress instead.

They sit and go over case details for about a half hour when Pippa's cell rings.

Olivia lifts the lid to her laptop and begins to answer emails while she takes the call. She smirks at the noticeable change in the Pippa's body language and demeanor as she speaks low into the phone.

"Sorry."

"No explanations necessary," Olivia holds her hand up in understanding. "I think we are good for now anyway. You have everything you need and just email me if something else comes up."

Pippa blushes. "Based on the smile that was on your face when I walked in I figured you might understand."

Olivia nods and smiles not confirming one way or another. The whole situation is still a bit weird considering Pippa's short romantic tenure with Elliot.

"So what are the plans for tonight?" She asks deflecting away from any talk of Elliot.

"Well he thinks we are going for dinner later but I thought I would mix it up instead," she confesses wiggling her eyebrows.

"Enough said."

"Yeah sometimes you just have to be spontaneous you know?" Pippa says.

"Umm yeah." She hasn't been spontaneous since she can remember. Between the job and now being a mother she couldn't imagine not being on a schedule for everything. "Have a good time."

It's early evening by the time she makes somewhat of a dent in her paperwork. She checks in with Lucy verifying they are just leaving a playgroup and she considers calling Elliot. It's a Friday night and she doesn't want to spend it working on paperwork. Instead of calling she considers Pippa's words and decides to drop by his house and be a little spontaneous. Her first thought is to drop by and seduce him again, this time with a less disastrous outcome but then she remembers that Eli may still be there since they would've just gotten back from their outing. Instead she decides to have Lucy meet her with Noah at the station and they go over to Elliot's place together.

Briefly she wonders if it's too much to have their children meet but she hopes it will be somewhat of an olive branch and prove to him that she's not afraid to treat this like a real relationship. She's not always the best with words but hopefully tonight will show him that she is committed to moving things forward between them. Without a doubt, she knows she has trust issues but she wants to try. If there is anyone worth trying for...it's him. It's them.

By the time she reaches his apartment building, she's smiling despite the butterflies in her stomach and racing pulse. Noah is unusually compliant, happy to go and see his friend "Elliyah". Holding his little hand she entertains his questions about where they are and if they will play with trucks tonight.

As she holds her fist up to knock on the door, it opens unexpectedly. "Maureen?"

"Oh hey Liv!" she greets her with a beaming smile, the blue eyes that look so much like her father's lighting up at the sight of Olivia and her son. "Oh my gosh. This must be Noah."

Maureen shifts the empty pizza boxes to one hand so she can shake his. "It's nice to meet you Noah."

Noah giggles and pretends to be shy but clearly enamored with the gorgeous blonde in front of him.

"Oh you just missed Dad he will be right back. Come in," she waves them inside and points to the living area. "I'm going to throw these in the trash chute down the hall and will be right back."

Maureen disappears down the hall and Olivia takes off her and Noah's jacket. She pulls out her phone to call him when she notices a suitcase opened on his dining room table. Initially, she tells herself it's for Maureen until she notices one of his dark blue shirts that she loves on him draped across the top.

As her mind tries to process what's going on, Maureen blows back into the apartment. "He shouldn't be gone long. He's meeting mom to hand off Eli."

"It's no problem," Olivia says distractedly still staring at the suitcase. Maureen follows her line of sight and sighs evenly.

"I know it's going to be weird to have him leave again when you two just reconnected but the time should go by fast."

 _What?_

Olivia freezes, attempting to not show any emotion at Maureen's words and give away that she had no idea. He's leaving. He's leaving and hadn't even told her. When was he going to say something?

Her mind races while Noah says something to Maureen distracting her from Olivia's lack of speech.

"It really is nice that you two came by to see him off. I'm sure he will appreciate the surprise."

How could he do this? Again. How could he not say anything? The last few days had been a blur but she knows that he hadn't said anything about a work trip.

"Mommy," Noah calls out pulling her from her thoughts.

"Yes honey."

"Can I see please?"

He looks at her expectantly with those brown eyes that always melt her heart and she hates that she wasn't tuned into what they were talking about. It takes Maureen a moment before she senses that something is wrong and quickly takes the lead. "Eli has some really cool stuff in his room so I thought I could show this little guy some of it."

Olivia shakes her head yes still unable to speak. Her hand grips her cell phone, anxious to call Elliot the second Maureen and Noah cross the threshold into the bedroom. She needs an explanation and fights the urge to just take her son and leave. Her head started to throb. It was all too much. What if she hadn't come over? Their conversation earlier had been cut short but it didn't sound like he was going to bring up anything about work. No matter what happened between them he should've told her the second he knew he would be leaving. Especially considering what happened between them before.

She pinches her forehead before beginning to dial his number when she hears the doorknob turn. Her breath stops in her throat, heartbeat accelerating as she watches him enter. Elliot smiles at her instantly, his face lighting up until he notices her stoic expression. It doesn't take him long to put the pieces together. The open suitcase and the startled look on her face. His eyes close briefly, nostrils flaring. His fists open and close repeatedly before he turns around and closes the door behind him.  
She needs him to start talking. Now.

"Liv, let me explain."


	26. Chapter 26

**Authors note:** I know you guys hate to see the, unhappy but this is where you have to trust me. :)

* * *

 _Liv let me explain."_

Elliot's eyes plead with her for understanding as he approaches. He reaches out to touch her arms and she backs away from his grasp. His touch is something she craves more often than not, but in this moment it's what she wants the least. If he touches her, she will cave.

The feeling of his skin against hers will melt the armor she's built up and she can't do that right now. She deserves answers.

Elliot fidgets nervously at her defensive stance. "I didn't say anything about the trip because nothing was certain yet, I just came from-"

"Maureen is packing your bag Elliot," Olivia angrily interrupts. "Don't tell me you aren't sure."

He lets out a frustrated sigh, squeezing his eyes shut. "Maur didn't know. She must've gotten a mixed up message from Kathleen and-"

"Why. Didn't. You. Tell. Me?" The words are curt and punctuated. The details aren't necessary. She's not interested in the backstory. She only wants to know why. After everything they've been through the last couple of months and everything they have been trying to rebuild would he leave for who knows how long and not give her a heads up. She needs to prepare. She needs to prepare to get used to his absence…... again. To not have him at her apartment when she gets home from a long night at work or talk to him everyday. Dammit, she had gotten used to having him around again just for him to disappear and not give her time to adjust.

Elliot moves closer but stops just short of touching her. "I told you why. I didn't want to upset you if I wasn't actually going to leave."

"What?" She pulls back and Elliot winces. Her tone is louder than she intends considering their children are in the other room but she can't rein herself in.

"Upset me? I'm not a child. You want to talk to me about not treating this like a real relationship but you get orders to go out of town and don't even mention it. How long have you known that it was even a possibility?"

His defeated posture as his head hangs down limply between his shoulders tells her everything she needs to know.

Olivia huffs, willing the tears that are building not to fall. Same ole Elliot. Not communicating, wanting to know everything and saying nothing. Demanding she let him into every facet of her life but not willing to do the same. "So that long hunh? Wow."

Turning his back, he walks away from her and begins pacing in front of the door. The separation gives her the opportunity to reel in some of her anger. She watches him closely for some hint of what's going through his head. His adam's apple bobs up and down his throat, his shoulders stiff. This was the Elliot she remembered when they were partners. This is what he looked like when he was struggling with something that he couldn't or wouldn't articulate and the fear hits her immediately. Is there something else he isn't telling her?

Olivia takes a deep breath, trying again to calm herself. "What's going on? Talk to me."

"I'm trying to talk to you," his head snaps up immediately. "I'm trying to tell you where I'm coming from and you won't listen."

"I-"

"No Liv, do you really think I would do that?" he asks, his eyes narrowing as he studies her. "Do you really think I would just up and leave you and not say anything?"

Elliot's eyes meet hers and there's a mix of pain and disappointment. His dark irises begin to pierce her hardened shell and she just wants to hug him and tell him that maybe she's overreacting with everything. That the closer they get the more she's knocked off her her axis and she just doesn't know how to recover from the fear that someday he will leave again...just like everyone else.

"Wow," he responds shaking his head back and forth in disbelief.

She's confused for a second until she realizes that she never actually answered his question.

"After everything we've been through, you still think I'm capable of that," he states rather than asks. A bitter huff leaves his lips and he turns away from her again.

"Elliot-." It's all she can manage to get out. The words just won't come out the way she needs them to and she can't have this conversation when she's still caught off guard by the fact that he may have to leave.

He watches her expectantly waiting on her to defend herself but she reverses course instead. "When do you find out if you have to leave?"

"I just found out," he says stoically, eyes trained on the arm of his sofa right next to her. "I leave Monday morning."

The air leaves her lungs and her face becomes warm with anger. She clears her throat trying to rid herself of any emotion. "How long will you be gone?"

"A month. Maybe two."

Her teeth sink into her bottom lip as she struggles not to say anything that's going to make this situation any worse. "Unbelievable."

"I was hoping we could spend some time together before I leave." His voice cracks slightly and while a part of her is weak the other part wants to lash out.

"Yeah whatever," she rolls her eyes gathering her purse.

Elliot takes her arm. "Don't go. Please. I swear I was going to tell you. Don't ruin the time we have left being mad at me."

"Ruin it?" She fires back angrily. "You can't blame me for being pissed of that you didn't tell me you were leaving after you just accused me of holding back on our relationship. You're being a hypocrite."

A shuffling noise in the hall grabs their attention and they both turn to see a sheepish looking Maureen standing outside of the bedroom door. "Hey I don't mean to interrupt whatever is going on here but you guys are getting pretty loud." She gestures her head towards the door reminding them of Noah's presence. Olivia sighs and nods her head in understanding. She was so wrapped up in fighting with Elliot she had forgotten they weren't alone. This is not something she wants Noah to hear.

"Sorry," he says to Maureen who disappears into the room and shuts the door.

"You're right Olivia. You're absolutely right." Taking the seat next to where she stands near the sofa, he holds her hand encouraging her to sit down. Torn, she thinks about it for a second but then acquiesces. She sits but leaves a small space between them.

"I'm sorry." Elliot rubs her knee and goosebumps form on her skin despite the material of her pants between his hand and her skin. Her chest exhales in relief. Fighting with him had always taken so much out of her and now it's much worse. Now that she's vulnerable in every way that she's always been afraid of. In the way she's always run away from. "I should have told you sooner, I-I just didn't," he cuts himself off. "I'm sorry ok?" His index finger slides underneath her chin, tilting it up so she can look at him. Her stubbornness almost gets the best of her because she doesn't want him to see the internal war she's fighting. "Ok?" he repeats when she finally looks at him.

"Ok," she whispers past the lump of emotion in her throat.

His right hand cups her face, his thumb brushing against her cheek. "I hate it but I know it's going to take time for-"

His thought is interrupted by her cell phone ringing.

"Shit," she shuffles trying to remove the phone from the pocket of her pants. She passes him an apologetic look before answering. "Benson."

It's Carisi on the other end in a mild panic telling her that their witness for the Robinson case has gone missing. "Ok Ok where are you?"

She glances at Elliot and instantly he knows she has to leave. "Okay I'll call Pippa and meet you there."

Ending the call, she exhales in defeat. The night is going in a much different direction than she anticipated.

"I have to-I need to call Lucy and see if she can meet me."

Elliot stiffens next to her but she doesn't pay much attention as she scrolls through the contacts to Lucy's number. He walks towards the bedroom while she gathers her purse and his back pack.

When Lucy answers there's a lot of noise in the background and she remembers that she was at a concert tonight. She had warned Olivia in advance that she had plans and she assured her that it wouldn't be a problem. "Hey Lucy," she says as Maureen walks up to her with Noah by her side. His face is set in his signature pout and she knows it will be a battle to get him to leave. "Nevermind I forgot you had plans tonight."

Maureen and Elliot exchange glances as she hangs up the phone, her palm to her forehead in exasperation.

"Liv, we can watch him. I'll be over here for awhile. Really it's no trouble," Maureen offers sincerely and she's prepared to say no.

"Mommy we have'ta go?" Noah asks. She doesn't want to have to ask them to do this and be put in the position to have to ask for help.

"It's really no problem. We are actually in the middle of playing with some fun toys in Eli's room," Maureen adds to try and ease her decision. Elliot still hasn't said a word and hovers in the hallway near the entrance to the kitchen. His stance is tentative and she knows he's worried about pushing the issue.

"Ok," she agrees. Leaning down, she gives Noah a quick hug. "You be good for Elliot and Maureen ok?"

"Ok mommy," he hugs her back before grabbing Maureen's hand to tug her back down the hall.

It wasn't easy but she was going to have to learn to lean on someone sooner or later. It may as well be him.

"I really have to go," she repeats not sure if she's reminding herself or him. At least they were able to talk out the situation but she still feels there is something left beneath the surface they need to discuss. Every minute away from him feels like an eternity especially with his trip on the horizon.

Elliot gives her a lopsided smile and it instantly makes her feel at ease. "I know."

At the door, he gives her a quick kiss. "He's going to be fine Olivia."

She doesn't doubt that for a moment. "I know."

It's herself that she's worried about.

{-}

The clock on the cable box reads 10:37 pm and Elliot finds himself staring at the television, not really paying attention to what's on the screen. He flicks through the channels, a reality show, basketball game and cartoons not really finding anything to settle on. For a second he thinks about calling Olivia or texting to check in but decides against it. Silently he hopes and prays that whatever she is working on is not something that's going to take up a lot of time since he has to leave in a couple of days. He wants to spend as much time with her and the kids as he can.

His arms rests behind his head on the sofa, his feet on the coffee table and he tries to turn his mind off. They had settled the argument somewhat of why he didn't tell her he was leaving but he could still sense the uncertainty on her face. Something changed and he can't help but feel a little paranoid that his leaving will have far reaching effects on their relationship.

Elliot sighs, leaning his head back with his eyes closed. Now is not the time to be negative. The argument had gotten out of hand but everything would be okay. It had to. There was still so much he wanted to say and he thought about maybe having her over with the kids before he left, but after their argument the night before he didn't want to push her. She left Noah with him tonight and that was a positive step. With Olivia, he knew he had to take things slow and didn't want to spook her.

She was right. It wasn't just her that needed to make steps to show that this was a real relationship. He needed to give a little too.

"Hey," Maureen whispers leaning over the back of the sofa. "You asleep?"

"No." He straightens up and mutes the TV. "I was just resting my eyes for a second. Is Noah asleep?"

She sits on the end of the couch with a bottle of water in her hand. "Out like a light. I think he loves Eli's room more than Eli does."

Elliot laughs to himself thinking about Noah's excitement at the big boy toys and getting excited over the remote control monster truck that was almost as big as him. He played with him while Maureen made them something to eat and he enjoyed their time together. He was really going to miss him too when he left. He had grown quite fond of the little boy. "Are you getting ready to head out?"

Maureen giggles into her water bottle. "Are you trying to get rid of me?"

"Never. I know it's a Friday night and you don't want to be stuck in the house with your old man." He puts his hand on her knee affectionately to reassure her he's not ready for her to leave.

Maureen shrugs nonchalantly. "I don't mind. You aren't bad company." Pulling the patchwork throw off the back edge of the sofa, she places it over her lap, takes off her shoes and settles in. Elliot watches her and doesn't say a word. His upcoming departure has her a little sad and even if she won't admit it, he knows that's the reason she's willing to spend her Friday night watching bad sitcoms with him.

"You and Liv ok? Things seemed a bit heated," she whispers realizing she may be overstepping her bounds by asking.

Sighing, Elliot shifts uncomfortably crossing one leg over the other. "It's going to fine." That's not going to be enough to appease his first born so he adds a little. "It's all going to be fine. We've had a few disagreements the past days but.."

"Is it because you're leaving? She's worried?"

If only it were that simple. "No. I guess-," he rubs his hands across the salt and pepper stubble on his cheek. "Her and I aren't the best at relationships so it's just some kinks we have to work out that's all."

The vague explanation seems to appease Maureen for now and she lays her head back down getting comfortable. "Dad do you realize you have the television on the Golden Girls?"

A change of topic. Just what he needs. "This is the best thing that's on television right now. Do you want to find something?" He holds out the remote and she slaps his hand away.

"I can't believe you watch this."

"The first assignment I did after me and your mom decided to call it quits was in Australia. It was really far away and I thought that's what I needed but," he cuts himself off shrugging his shoulders hoping she will get it without him having to finish. The pain and hurt from that time of not having everything and everyone around him that was familiar was unlike anything he'd experienced before. "Anyway the only TV show there that I recognized was the Golden Girls. Your mom used to have it playing sometimes in the house and I thought it was a ridiculous show but turns out it's actually pretty funny. Reminded me of home."

It's his child, a person who is half him. He shouldn't feel so weird revealing anything remotely personal to her but even after the few years of therapy it is still hard to open up the way he needs to.

"That's pretty cool," Maureen says resting her right hand on his knee. His hand covers hers and he's grateful that she realizes how hard it is for him and is letting him make strides in his own time. He just hopes that Olivia can be as patient with him as his children have been. "So tell me. Who's your favorite Golden Girl?"

Elliot's laughter is loud and boisterous. Something he does more now but hadn't for so many years in his life. "I have to say I'm a little partial to Sophia. She's got the best one-liners. How about you?"

"Hmm," she holds her finger under her cheek as if she's deep in thought. "I'd have to say Blanche. I can appreciate a woman who is not afraid of her sexuality and just owns it."

His mouth gapes open as his head pops off the sofa in disbelief. Maureen manages to hold a straight face for a few seconds before she cracks up, holding her stomach as she laughs. "You should see your face."

Elliot breathes a sigh of relief, giving her a playful slap on the arm. "You almost gave me a heart attack. We were about to have a long talk."

"Oh dad lighten up." She grabs their empty water bottles from the coffee table and walks to the kitchen. "I can't wait to tell Kat and Lizzie about this."

"Yeah yeah," he waves her off as his phone begins to ring.

"Pippa," he says out loud confused as to why she would be calling this time of night.

He's about to answer when Maureen calls from the kitchen. "I think I want some leftover pizza, you want a slice?"

Not wanting to interrupt their time together, he silences the phone and sets it back down. He can call her back later. "Yeah I'll take a slice."

A minute later the phone rings again. "What the hell?"

"Who is that?" Maureen asks as she hands him the paper plate with a slice of cold Pepperoni pizza.

"It's Pippa again." He barely has time to register her confused look when he answers the call.

"Hello."

"Elliot oh thank God I was able to reach you," Pippa says in a rush.

Immediately his feet hit the floor and he's sitting straight up. The tone in her voice has him on high alert. "What's up, what's going on?"

There is a pause and he can hear the muffled voices in the background. "Pippa! Whats going on?"

"I'm at the hospital with Olivia. I want you to know that she's okay. She's conscious the doctors are in talking to her and the only reason I'm calling instead of her is because she doesn't have any of her belongings with her."

Nothing exists but loud silence all around him. It's deafening. His head hurts, ears ring and he feels like he's lost the ability to breathe.

Hospital.

Olivia.

Above the fog he hears Maureen asking him what's going on and the distant voice of Pippa calling his name but all he can do is focus on the words.

Hospital.

Olivia.

"Wha-," he swallows hard willing his voice to work. "What. Happened? Pippa just tell me."

"Olivia was shot."


	27. Chapter 27

**Author's Note:** Ok I have a confession. I know I said this person would no longer be in the story but for this situation it made sense that this person is present. Don't worry. He/She is only their to do a job. Nothing else.

Also, I was supposed to update my other story first but due to the amount of "WTF?" in my reviews for last chapter, I figured this should come first.

* * *

Elliot can't make himself speak. Not with all eyes on him when he's in such a vulnerable state. A petite blonde woman and a medium build guy that looks too young and naive to be in SVU look back at him. Immediately he knows who they are.

He nods his head at Fin and sniffles back a fresh onslaught of tears. Her squad is here for her. All chomping at the bit just like him to find out if she's okay. Despite his worries over the years about if she was alone, he sees firsthand now that the squad, although it has different faces, is still her family.

"How's Dodds doing?" Fin asks turning away from Elliot briefly to Amanda.

"He's just fine. The bullet hit his leg but no major damage. He's already awake and driving everyone crazy," she answers and they briefly chuckle. "His dad will be here in a moment though."

"That's just great," Fin responds sarcastically. "What's the latest on Liv? She still in surgery?"

"No," Carisi speaks up. "They say Lieutenants been out of surgery for like half an hour but still no word. What do you think that means?"

The look on his face is solemn and Elliot slumps in response. What could be happening that they won't tell them anything? God knows he's been in the hospital enough times that he should know the protocol but he's always been on the other side. It's always been Olivia waiting for word from the doctor after he got shot, stabbed or thrown through glass.

"Oh God what about Noah?" Amanda asks pulling him from his thoughts. "Do we need to call Lucy and tell her it may be awhile. See if she needs some relief?"

Elliot clears his throat and finally interjects. "Noah's fine." All heads turn and look at him inquisitively. "Maureen my daughter is watching him and she can stay with him for the night and I have Lizzie coming to look after him tomorrow so.."

Fin's eyes soften and he smirks at Elliot. "Should've known."

He's always been a man of few words so Elliot doesn't push him for more explanation. Dodds Sr. shows up and Carisi shows him to his son's room. Elliot continues to pace the floor, the light gray tile disappearing beneath his shoes. His phone buzzes with texts from Maureen asking for a status on Olivia shortly followed by Kathleen. It didn't take long for the word to spread among his children so he texts them all and checks on Noah who is still asleep.

The sliding door to the waiting area opens again followed by silence and Elliot turns around hopeful that finally it's one of the doctors there with news.

His blood stops cold when he sees who it is.

"You've gotta be fuckin kidding me," he snarls.

It all happens so fast. Before he can get a grip on himself he crosses the short distance that separates them and has Ed Tucker's collar bunched up in his hands, the pads of his thumbs touching the bulging veins on his neck.

Loud pleas of "Elliot don't" and "Not here" are all garbled together around him. Right now all he sees is the one motherfucker that's going to cause problems for Olivia and her shield and he's not going to give him the opportunity to mess with her career anymore.

"Let me go Stabler," Tucker chokes out while pulling at Elliot's hands.

There are arms on his shoulders attempting to pull him away and he shakes them off while he curses the fact that there's no wall close enough to throw him against without causing even more of a disturbance.

"Let him go or we are going to have to call Security," an unfamiliar voice states firmly. He tears his gaze away from Tucker's for a second to see two nurses glaring at him.

He drops him immediately. The last thing he needs is to be kicked out and not able to see Olivia. Tucker smooths out his shirt and straightens himself out.

"Now where is Oli-Lieutenant Benson's room?" he corrects himself.

Pippa puts a hand on Elliot's forearm to stop him from doing or saying anything.

"We don't know anything yet," Amanda speaks up. "She's still in her room but this was a good shoot."

"How do you know? Were you there?"

Amanda sighs and shakes her head. "No I wasn't."

"Exactly. I'm only interested in talking to those who were actually there."

Elliot fidgets with his fists at his side. Just the site of that smug son of a bitch sends him into a blind rage. Olivia put herself on the line to protect her and her Sergeant and he will be damned if he let him rip her over it. Especially if he was harboring old feelings.

"Dodds is awake. His dad is in with him now but can't you wait awhile?" Fin asks with a slight edge to his voice.

Tucker doesn't back down. "You know the procedure. I need to interview them both as soon as possible."

And Elliot can't take it anymore. He's back in his face in a flash. "Fuck the procedure. If you really cared about that _you_ wouldn't even be here."

Tucker's eyebrows furrow in confusion, his body language bracing for anything Elliot throws his way. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Isn't it a conflict of interest for you to be here anyway?"

Tucker's face falls for a second then his jaw clenches. Pippa is quiet next to him but her hand gently squeezes his arm. The silence catches his attention and he glances all around to see the confused looks on everyone's face.

Dammit. He forgot. They must not have disclosed. Of course the people she worked with didn't know about Tucker. Until just then they didn't even know about him.

"Why would it be a conflict of interest?" Tucker challenges him raising his eyebrow. If he says anything now it could be risky for Olivia and he refuses to do anything that would harm her career.

"No reason," he backs away walking back to the seat by the window where he sat when he first came in.

Carisi walks in on the tail end of the conversation and takes Tucker to go talk to Dodds.

Elliot rests his palm on the window sill, his head hanging down between his shoulders. He's got to get a grip. This would all be so much easier if he could just see her.

"Hey man you hanging in there?" Fin asks over his shoulder.

The phone in his pocket buzzes again but he reaches down to stop it as he looks up at Fin. "I'm trying. I'm really trying. I just wish they would tell us something."

"You know Liv. She's a fighter. She's gonna be alright. She will be right back to barking orders at us in no time."

Elliot grins quickly thinking back to the times he's overheard her on the phone when she was giving direction. She had the same authoritative tone as Cragen when he would give them orders and he couldn't have been more proud.

"Yeah,"he nods his head trying to will away any bad thoughts. "You're right. She's a fighter. I just….," he blows out a long breath. "I just wish she didn't always have to fight so damn hard."

"I know," Fin agrees looking around to make sure they were still alone. "And don't worry about Tucker. He's an asshole but I don't think he would let that personal stuff get in the way."

Elliot's head snaps to the side and Fin shrugs it off. "You know not much gets by me. Don't worry. No one else knows."

"Well it looks like _I_ got by you."

"Nahh I knew there was someone and it wasn't Tucker anymore. There was a different glow about her. For a second I thought maybe Cassidy came back but-," he shakes his head cutting off the rest of his thoughts. "I'm not the least bit surprised."

They stand together in comfortable silence for a few moments before Amanda approaches. "So you're Elliot Stabler, Liv's old partner," she extends her hand with a warm smile. "Detective Amanda Rollins. It's good to finally meet you."

Elliot gives her the best smile he can muster under the circumstances and shakes her hand in return. "Good to meet you too. I've heard great things about you."

Amanda rolls her eyes playfully. "Oh I highly doubt that."

"Family of Olivia Benson," the doctor calls out.

Everyone shuffles to the sliding doors where the middle aged man with small glasses at the tip of his nose holds a clipboard in his hand.

"We're here," they all say simultaneously. Elliot moves to the front, his heart thundering in his chest. It's only seconds but it seems like it's taking forever for the doctor to begin talking.

"I apologize for the delay but I had to notify her next of kin first, Donald Cragen. I believe he tried to call a couple of you."

Shit. Elliot immediately reaches into his pocket noticing the missed call he silenced a few minutes before.

"Also Miss Benson is awake now and she wanted to make sure you all knew she was just fine. The bullet nicked muscle not any soft tissue or anything major. The shot was from a .22 caliber gun at long distance so it didn't do any major damage. We retrieved the bullet and she should be good to go home in a couple of days."

Everyone starts to hug each other and breathe sighs of relief.

"Thank you doctor," Elliot shakes his hand. "What about long term? Will she need physical therapy or anything?"

"You must be Elliot," the doctor says peeking over his glasses. "She's been asking for you. I'll let her tell you herself. Follow me."

{-}

Olivia hovers somewhere between sleep and consciousness. The sound of monitors beeping and the drip of her IV provide a backdrop to her racing thoughts. Over the past few hours, the mix of adrenaline and pain medication have her mind in overdrive. It all happened so fast. One minute they found their missing witness Alicia alone in a run down apartment building, the next they were chasing after perps down a dark alley. The suspect hit Dodds in the leg and she fired off several shots before realizing she was hit in the shoulder. Her bulletproof vest took part of the bullet making the rest not have that much of an impact. Thank God the suspect was stupid enough to be carrying a gun that didn't pack much power or things could've been much worse.

Oh God.

Noah.

If things had been much worse she could've left her son without anyone to care for him. Her head thrashes side to side as she tries to force herself to wake up. Images of both her and Dodds lying on the unforgiving concrete surrounded by the stench of trash and motor oil assault her brain. It was seconds before backup arrived and the ambulance was short after but she can't help thinking about the alternative. It's not just her she has to think about. Noah is at stake as well. And Elliot. God, what if something had happened to her and she never got the chance to tell him she was sorry for how she's been acting lately.

She had gotten the word from the nurses that Dodds was okay thanks to her. If she hadn't fired the fatal shot when she did, they would have shot him again but that doesn't mean anything to her now. All she can think about is that in all these years she's been a cop she's never taken a bullet. This job that means so much to her and is so much a part of who she is has provided her with so many close calls.

"Liv? Liv?"

The soft voice pulls her slowly from the space she lingers. There is a gentle touch on her hand and then through her hair. It soothes her instantly.

Elliot.

"Liv? Can you hear me?"

Her eyes flutter open slowly, still heavy from the pain medication.

"El?"

Her throat feels like it's stuffed with cotton balls making it hard for her to speak. The tears begin to slide down her cheek and the warmth cools her clammy skin.

"Shhh. It's okay. I'm right here," he squeezes her hand and turns toward the nurse. "Is it okay if she has a sip of water?"

"Yes she can. I'll be back to check on you in a few minutes," the nurse says to her. She shakes her head yes although she doesn't turn to look at her. Her focus is only on Elliot. The lines in his face, the pool of tears in his eyes and the firm grip of his hand. He places a kiss to her forehead, lingering there and she's overwhelmed by his scent, his touch. He's right there and for a minute she can tune everything else out. Nothing else exists.

He adjusts her bed so she can sit up. It's a struggle for him to do with one hand as she won't let go of the other, worried that he will disappear.

"It's okay Liv. I'm not going anywhere, I'm right here," he assures her squeezing her hand. She takes a sip of the water from the small plastic cup using her right hand and immediately feels better. Her left shoulder still hurts a little despite the bandages but the medication relieves some of the pain.

Elliot watches her closely as she continues to drink, feeling the life begin to pour into her with each sip and touch of his hand.

Silently she hands the empty cup to him and he places it back on her tray.

"How are you feeling?"

The simple question causes everything to come rushing back in an instant. Laying on the pavement. Their stupid argument. Noah and Elliot playing together. Her seducing him on the couch. The images both replenish and overwhelm her. The tears begin to well up and she tries to swipe them away before realizing that one of her arms is practically immobile.

"Liv it-"

"No it's not okay," she cries, her chest heaving from trying to catch her breath. "I'm so sorry Elliot."

Confused, he kisses their clasped hands. "For what?"

"For everything," the words rush out of her. "For the argument. That's why I came by earlier to tell you I was sorry. I don't know why I reacted the way I did."

Elliot strokes her hair trying to calm her down. "It's fine. I promise."

"No it's not. I'm pushing you away and it's not what I even mean to do. I'm just-"

His lips touch hers and immediately she quiets down. The feel of his soft lips on hers is gentle at first and she inhales all of him in. This is what she needs. His touch. His reassurance. He pulls away and leans his forehead against hers. Their breaths meld together and she can feel her pulse steady itself.

"It's ok. And Noah's ok. He's still sleeping Maureen just checked on him. The doctors said you will just be fine too." His words come out calm and firm, reassuring each of her concerns one at a time. "He said they will keep you a night or two for observation and then you can go home."

Olivia shakes her head silently, her eyes squeezing shut as she absorbs his words and proximity.

"I guess after all these years you were bound to take a bullet sooner or later hunh?" She laughs, despite the lingering ache in her shoulder and stiffness from the bed. "I guess so."

"I was so scared," he whispers. She looks into his eyes and sees the fear etched in his features and she hates herself for putting him through that.

"Me too," she admits and tilts her head up to find his lips again. Her mouth is smooth and gentle against his before she deepens it just a little earning a satisfied groan. It hasn't been long but she misses this. The feel of his lips on hers is just what she needs. Elliot's arm drapes across her torso as she pulls him closer, careful of the bed rails when she hears two quick knocks at the door.

As Elliot pulls away, she sees Tucker enter. His expression goes from soft to stoic instantly, his hands tightening around the padfolio in his hand.

"Oli-Lieutenant Benson, I need to ask you a few questions."

She can feel the tension radiating off Elliot as he holds her hand tighter. The two men are in a standoff, neither willing to back down.

"Yeah," she answers. "I can."

Elliot turns to her dropping their hands. "Are you sure you are up to this right now?"

"Well she certainly seemed up to whatever you were doing when I walked in," Tucker interrupts. "So I'm sure she can answer a few questions."

Just as Elliot is about to walk towards him, Olivia pulls his hand. "It's ok El. I'll be fine."

"I'm not going anywhere," he growls.

Tucker takes a few steps forward. "You know you can't be in here. You've been around the block more than a few times to know how it works."

"Liv at least wait for your union Rep," Elliot begs her, completely ignoring Tucker.

"I don't need them here. It was a clean shoot. I'll just tell him what happened and it will be fine." She tries to give him a reassuring smile and eventually he acquiesces. "Can you call and check on Noah for me?"

He looks back and forth between her and Tucker before nodding his head. Placing one more kiss on her lips, he drops her hand and slowly walks towards the door before stopping right in front of his old adversary. "You be sure to play by the rules. If you even think about mishandling this because of what happened between you two…"

Olivia rolls her eyes, sitting up straight in the bed. "Elliot, please."

Thankfully Tucker keeps his mouth shut as Elliot leaves. "I'll be right down the hall."

The door shuts and a few moments of awkward silence passes between them. It's almost as if their brief stint as an item never existed. She feels that same sense of dread she always did whenever she had to be questioned by him in the past.

"So how are you feeling?"

His tone is so sincere that it catches her off guard for a second.

She clears her throat. "I'm fine."

"I just finished talking to Dodds. He's doing well and he says it's all thanks to you. That if you hadn't taken that shot when you did that-" he stops and watches her closely. For a second she sees a glimpse of the man she got to know after hours and it puts her at ease.

"Yeah. Thankfully it all worked out," she answers.

He moves closer, his eyes focusing on the edge of her bed as if he's thinking about taking a seat but quickly thinks better of it. "I'm glad you're okay."

The corners of her lips lift slightly and she's pleased with his show of sincerity. "Thank you. Me too."

She's grateful for the brief respite from the impending investigation. He has a job to do and she's confident that he will do it objectively. She didn't have that faith in him before but if she had to find one positive thing that came out of their time together is the knowledge that underneath everything lies a good person. They were never meant to be romantically but at least she knows that he's an ally at work. And that was enough for her.

Tucker slips back into professional mode and pulls out his paper prepared to take her statement.

"Okay Lieutenant. Tell me exactly what happened."


	28. Chapter 28

It's unnaturally humid outside despite the cool weather. The harsh juxtaposition in weather is just what Elliot needs as a distraction. The flimsy styrofoam coffee cup he's holding nearly disintegrates beneath the tension in his hands. Tucker is long gone thank God and even though he still can't stand him, he feels where Olivia is concerned he will actually be fair. The logistics of the shoot didn't give him much leeway to pin anything on her but old habits die hard. Tucker has done more with less.

A few beads of sweat gather at his forehead quickly cooled by the chilly air as he fidgets with his phone. It's nearly 4am and his bones are beginning to ache from physical and mental exhaustion. The city is uncharacteristically quiet. Every once in awhile his thoughts are interrupted by people not unlike himself who look worn down and worried walking into the hospital entrance near where he stands. Their emotions border from frantic to inconsolable. He imagines he looked somewhat similar to them several hours ago and closes his eyes letting the relief flood through him.

She was alright. She was safe.

After a few texts to Maureen and Kathleen assuring them that Olivia was okay, Elliot stayed outside to give her time alone to visit with the squad.

Her family.

They deserve to have their time with her and despite his need to be selfish and curl up into her reminding himself that she was okay, he relented. They've been there for her when he wasn't. And although he can't change that now he can give them the space and respect to see for themselves that their family member is okay. The time alone also gave him time to ponder his options after the call he made to Christine. He wasn't going to be able to get out of this trip. He could postpone it for a week at best. Once again he finds himself in the all too familiar position of having to choose between his family and his job.

Taking one last sip of the cold coffee he tosses the cup in a nearby trash can and makes the short trip back to her hospital room. When he opens the door the weight of it all hits him square in the chest. She's asleep. Peaceful. In the flurry of activity she must've found the time to brush her hair, looking a little more put together than she did when he left. The beeps on the machine are low and the room is uncharacteristically quiet which he assumes won't last considering the ongoing rotations of nurses in and out. He couldn't wait to get her home. It was going to be a battle for her to give in and let him help. Considering her injury and despite their fight earlier he wouldn't cave on this. She needed help.

"El?" She asks her voice raspy.

He walks to the side of her bed taking her hand in his. "I'm here."

"Noah ok?"

He smiles, kissing her on the forehead. "Yes. He's doing what every toddler does at 4am. Sleeping." Returning his smile, she pats the space next to her for him to lay down. As she scoots to the other end of the bed she winces from the pain in her shoulder. "Careful Liv. I can just sit in the chair."

"No," she insists. "I want you to lay here with me."

Elliot shucks his shoes and carefully maneuvers into the bed trying his best to avoid the various machine wires. "Ok," he says as he lifts his arm and she cuddles into him the best she can. Letting out a sigh of relief, he feels more calm than he has in days. They are both silent, the need to speak not necessary, the silence comforting. He is content being with her and does his best to put away thoughts of what could've happened and how he won't have much time to help with her recovery if he has to leave. He could find another job, he has money saved up that would last several months. All of the kids except Eli were older now and not as financially dependent on him. He didn't need to work as much as he used to.

"What did Christine say?" Olivia asks cautiously. He sighs and laces his fingers with hers across his abdomen. Of course she knew that he would call and try to get out of it. "I may have a cou-"

"Knock knock," the perky female voice says as she opens the door. "I need to check your vitals and give you more pain medication." Olivia groans as the nurse checks her temperature and blood pressure while Elliot checks his phone in case he got an email from work. The nurse quietly excuses herself and he crawls back in bed beside her. He hasn't gotten fully back into position before she speaks up.

"So you were saying?"

Elliot lets out a frustrated sigh, caressing her hair. "I'm sorry baby. I tried to get out of it. They said they could postpone but….probably no longer than a week at the most."

Olivia is silent and snuggles into him closer. Fuck it. He'll just quit his job. With his experience and connections he could find something else.

"I could quit. Y'know I could find something else."

Olivia gently tugs his arm. "El," she says softly looking up until he meets her eyes. "You should go to Denver."

{-}

She couldn't believe the words the second they left her mouth. Did she really tell him to leave? But they were better now. Dumb arguments aside and growing pains of the new state of their relationship, it was okay for him to go.

"What did you say?" he asks again, confusion etched in his features.

She tries to fight the smile on her face. "I said you should go. I'm going to be fine."

Elliot sighs again rolling his eyes.

"No no this is not my normal I'm fine," she pulls his hand closer. "I mean I have the squad to look after me, I'm sure you've already put in calls to Kathleen and Maureen." The bewildered look on his face is priceless and she can't help but smile. "I'm willing to accept the help. I'm just sorry I didn't realize it sooner."

"Are you sure your nurse didn't say you were running a fever?" Laughing he holds her tighter placing another kiss on her forehead. "I guess we've been apologizing to each other a lot lately hunh?"

"Who knew it would take me taking a bullet to finally come to our senses?"

"I'm sorry that we spent the last couple of days arguing. We could've been doing something much more productive," she says suggestively, her hand moving dangerously low near the waist of his jeans.

Elliot groans in frustration. "I'm really sorry that you aren't going to be able to give me a proper goodbye."

Olivia laughs into his side, placing a kiss on his chest. Her fingers play along his torso while she thinks about how much she's going to miss him. There's so much she needs to say that normally she would keep to herself. Maybe it was the pain meds making her a little loopy or his imminent departure but suddenly she felt the need to say things she had been holding back. "I'm sorry that I haven't said as much as I should. When I should. It's always been...hard for me….to say things," she admits and Elliot stiffens beside her. "I know that I have a wall up but if there is anyone worth me tearing it down for it's you. I'm sorry if I haven't made you feel that way."

Thankfully she's not looking into his eyes or she would lose all her courage. Focusing on his T-shirt while feeling his heartbeat beneath her fingers and the uneven rhythm of his breathing makes it that much easier.

"I'm sorry too that I didn't talk when I should have. There's been so much I wanted to say over the years Liv. After Gitano, I should've explained things better. Hell...I was just so wrapped up in my own head that I let you walk away from our partnership."

Olivia doesn't take the time to absorb the words before she's speaking again. "I'm sorry that I was so mad at you when I came back from Oregon. I just...didn't know what to do with my feelings."

Finally, she has the courage to look up at him. Into the eyes of the man she's loved for so long and trusts as much as she could ever trust anyone.

"I'm sorry that I shut you out of parts of my life when I shouldn't've. I confided in Rebecca about my dad when I could've confided in you."

Olivia's heart races a mile a minute at his revelation. Why couldn't he talk to her? Probably the same reason she couldn't talk to him. She hates that Rebecca got to see that side of him. Got to know things about the man she loves that she didn't. The resentment starts to clog her throat and she clears it to try and speak. "Why didn't you?"

"For the same reason you didn't always open up to me," he says staring at the ceiling. "It's easier when there isn't so much at stake I guess."

That makes sense. She never wanted him to see her as anything other than strong even on the rare times she did break down in front of him.

"Why did you let Porter help you with Simon instead of me?"

Good point.

"Same reason I guess. I know I told you how desperate I was to be a part of a family but I guess I never wanted-" She shakes her heads trying to find the words.

"I get it," he responds squeezing her hands. Sliding away from him, she leans back and her hospital gown begins to slip down. Instantly his eyes are on her chest. She smirks at his less than subtle attempt to stare until she realizes the difference in his expression. It isn't lust or desire she sees behind his eyes put pain. He's seen her before, all of her. But under the sharp scrutiny of the dim light above her hospital bed she knows exactly what he's looking at. Time has faded them somewhat but they are there.

They will always be there.

The scars.

His eyes go from her chest up to her eyes and she hears him swallow.

"I'm going to tell you about it El. I promise. Just not yet," she rasps as a tear slides silently down her cheek. Elliot is frozen, unable to speak. "I'm going to tell you about him and Harris I just need a little more time okay?"

She doesn't miss the way he tenses up at the sound of Harris' name. They haven't talked about him and she left it very vague almost ten years ago when it happened.

 _What happened in the basement?_

 _I'm fine El._

But now that they are in a relationship she's decided to take Dr. Lindstrom's voice. He should hear it all. And one day soon she will tell him.

Holding their clasped hands together he brings them to his lips and kisses them softly as tears brim his eyes. They are quiet for a bit longer, just the sounds of the beeping machines in the background.

Elliot shifts a little turning onto his side to face her. "I'm sorry that I was a coward..about us. When Kathy and I separated that was our chance to see-maybe we could've…."

"No," she says rubbing her hand along his chin. "If something would've happened between us when you were separated I would've always wondered if you wanted to go back home. It would've ruined us."

"You don't know that," he whispers.

"Yes I do. I thought about it a lot back then. I wouldn't have wanted to feel like I was coming between your family. You needed to know for sure that your marriage was over. _I_ needed to know that."

Nodding silently he stares back up at the ceiling as if it's his refuge.

"I'm sorry that I downplayed what you were to me when you left," she says softly.

"What do you mean?"

She exhales, putting her hand back in his. "There were some things that came up after you left...Nick leaving, a case with a cop who was covering for her partner because she was in love with him." The words _whatever that was_ were circling her conscience. "I was hurt and I just said stuff that I shouldn't've."

Elliot nods his head. "I get it Liv. Really I do. You don't have to apologize for that."

The silence looms between them again. Their past hovering above. Even the time he was gone seems to disappear before her eyes. It's like he had been with her all along.

"Remember what I said the night we talked about Eli? Dr. Lindstrom once told me everything works out the way its supposed to. I thought it was some psycho babble at the time considering everything we've both gone through," she says and Elliot turns to look at her, a slight frown marring his face. "But I really do believe that. I don't know if our relationship would've been as strong as it is now if we would've gotten together back then."

"Even though you were dying to have sex with me?" he jokes and she laughs despite herself. "Oh really is that how you remember it?" she jabs him in the side lightly.

"Yep. While we are apologizing, I'm sorry that you had to strip down to entice me when those animal smugglers were after us."

Oh god, that felt like a lifetime ago. She feels like she was another person then. Actually she was.

"I wasn't trying to entice you I was trying to save your life."

"Well you did a great job considering I got shot a few minutes later."

She rolls her eyes and he pulls her closer. "I swear when you came out in that bra and called me daddy I thought I was going to pass out."

"That was much harder for me than you realize. I was expecting a hard time about that after the fact, I can't believe you let it go."

He shrugs. "I'm also sorry that you wore that dress when we had to go undercover to the sex club. I swear you were trying to kill me."

Olivia arches an eyebrow at him. "So you liked the dress? You didn't say anything that night."

Elliot smirks and it makes him look ten years younger. "I was on such thin ice at that point. Any wrong move and I thought I would blow everything to hell. I wanted you so much Liv you have no idea."

"Well while we are talking about things we would've done differently. I'm sorry that I texted you to meet me downstairs when I wanted to make up with you after the Sennett case. I said some pretty shitty things."

Elliot shoots her a confused look. "You didn't want to apologize to me?"

"Of course I did. But I meant I should've just told you I was on my way upstairs instead of telling you to come down."

"Hmm." The hum is deep in his throat and his lips ghost over hers lightly. "This is a very risky topic of conversation to have right now when I can't have my way with you." He gives her a quick kiss on the lips and puts a little distance between them as if he can't be near her. "Besides like you said. It all worked out the way it was supposed to."

"Yes, it did," she agrees leaning a bit to give him an innocent peck on the nose. She closes her eyes, the drugs beginning to take her down. All of their words begin to mold together in a bit of a haze, so much happening that her brain can't hold it all.

He's mentioned before about wanting to change fate but she's learned over the years that as cruel as the world could be it had all lined up to teach her valuable lessons. To bring her relationships in her life she sometimes thought she was never capable of sustaining. Her mother was a raging, abusive alcoholic. It made her hard to love. Hard to trust. Shit. It was the same old story really. A story she had told a few therapists over the years and Casey one night at a bar when she begged her to plead out Carrie Eldridge, and replayed it over and over in her head. She heard it so much but she was ready to repeat the story all over again.

To him.

 _For_ him.

To make him understand as if he didn't already. But as soon as the words were prepared to leave her throat he spoke instead.

"I have to show you something." Reaching into his back pocket, he pulls out his worn brown leather wallet. There were old and new pictures of his kids that she recognizes and then he settles on one in the back. He's with a brunette woman, similar in height with a yellow flowy dress and matching clutch. Elliot's face was impassive as usual but her smile was bright.

"If you're choosing right now of all times to tell me about the women you've dated when we were apart then you're about to be glad you're in a hospital."

Elliot smiled for a second but it quickly died on his lip. "This isn't my ex girlfriend. This is Julia...Stabler. Well Murphy now. Stabler is her maiden name."

Olivia's eyes quickly focus back down to the picture and she wants to kick herself for not noticing it sooner. Those eyes. How could she have missed them? The same misty intense shade of blue as his. Not as heavy or dark, but like his all the same.

"She's my sister. She's been...sick. Breast cancer. Got diagnosed bout a year ago. I went to visit her a few months ago and planned to take the kids again soon but I'll have to postpone that now."

Before she could comment he was flipping to another picture, this one with him and two other men. One was shorter than him and the other was taller. One looked a lot older than the other...but both looked like Elliot. "This is Thomas. This is Jonathan. Tommy is just right at a year younger than me. Jonathan is five years older."

There are no words. She's completely speechless.

His family.

Brothers and sisters that she knew he had but never came up over the years. Like so many things between them.

"And these two knuckleheads," he announces proudly going to the last picture with all of them together, "are Sarah and Sam."

"Twins," she finally manages to speak, rubbing her hand across the photo as if to make sure it was real.

"Yep. Twins. They are the youngest. The biggest pains in my ass even to this day although they live out West. They don't visit as much as they should.. But shit who am I talk?"

"Look at them." She is in awe as she takes the pictures from him and look at them closer. "It's your family."

"Yes they are my family and so are you Liv. You always have been."

He leans in to kiss her and she swallows back the emotion. "So, tell me more about them."

Somehow she manages to stay awake longer as he tells her stories about them growing up. How he and Jonathan always got in trouble and Julia covered for them and they always ganged up to give Sarah and Julia's boyfriends hell. She's enamored hearing him talk about which of his kids is closer to which aunt and uncle. All tales so much different than what she knew of his life. It wasn't all darkness despite his mother's illness and his dad's infidelity. There's more story there about his father just as she had other stories about her mom to tell him but tonight wasn't the night for that. It was about finally getting to know the other side of Elliot Stabler. The basic simple nuances of a man that had always seemed so complex. His playful anecdotes, complete with hand gestures and impressions continue for another half hour until her body finally succumbs to the pain medicine. Wrapped in his arms and bathed by the steady sound of his voice she peacefully falls asleep.

{-}

Author's Note: If you're wondering where the siblings come from check SVU wiki lol. I try to stay as close to canon as I can.

Also, this one is winding up only two more chapters to go before it's a wrap. Thanks again for the continued support and don't forget to leave a review ;-)


	29. Chapter 29

Elliot washes the last of the dishes, rinses his hands and dries them off on Olivia's cream dish towel. Since she left the hospital four days ago, he's been there by her side. Each day she's gotten stronger and abandoned the arm sling full time after day two. It's been a challenge to keep her from overdoing it but he would expect nothing less. The stubbornness and the determination. That's Olivia.

The woman he is and forever will be in love with.

Over the past few days he's also noticed a change in Noah. The precocious toddler has been at his mother's side constantly since she set foot through the front door. Elliot had made her breakfast earlier that morning and Noah was insistent on helping, even carrying the tray into the room. Despite understanding that she would be alright, he stayed close. Noah brought half of the toys in the living room to her room so he could play and not leave her side for those first two days. A few times he joined them at her insistence but he wanted to give her this time, knowing that it didn't happen as often as she would like.

His children have been in and out of the apartment as well in an attempt to make Olivia as comfortable with their lingering presence as possible. They've made it clear in no uncertain terms that they will be there to help for anything she needs while their father is away. Her squad undoubtedly will step up to assist along with Lucy, but he feels a strong sense of pride at the thought that his family will be there to help take care of her. There is a shift since she left the hospital. The normal pushback isn't there and he feels an ease between them that never existed before. There were times he caught her staring and when he lifted his eyebrow to silently call her on it, she gave him one of her best shy smiles. The smile that made his heart flutter and break all at the same time because he couldn't imagine having to go a couple of months without seeing it.

"Hey," Olivia says emerging from the bedroom dressed casually in a purple v-neck shirt and jeans that hug her in all the right places. Damn he was _really_ going to miss her.

"Hey." He walks over and kisses her on the forehead gently, still overly cautious about not touching her shoulder or arm.

Olivia rolls her eyes playfully and brings him closer. "I'm not made of glass Elliot, the shoulder is fine. C'mere."

With her hand steady on the nape of his neck, she pulls him in, separating his lips with her tongue to deepen the kiss. Elliot lets out a pained groan and can feel her smiling against him. "You are an evil woman. Don't tempt a starving man with a buffet."

Her hand drops down his back and he tenses immediately. "It doesn't have to be temptation. You could come into the back room with me."

She kisses him again and the feeling goes straight to his groin. "Nope. Thankfully I have to go. I'm going to pick Eli up from school and he and I are going to practice his soccer moves a little bit."

It was one of his many attempts to make it up to his son that he told before that he wouldn't be leaving for work. Eli was disappointed at first but soon bounced back and he was grateful. The extra time that Elliot had been putting in with him while balancing taking care of Olivia helped with that as well.

"Do you mind dropping me off at Dr. Lindstrom's office? I don't feel up to driving."

Elliot stops moving, completely caught off guard by her question. She hadn't mentioned her therapist in a while and he immediately begins to worry.

"I can just take a cab, I just didn't want to drive while I'm still taking the painkillers," she offers misreading his silence for not wanting to take her.

"No no." Shaking his head, he gathers his thoughts. "Of course I can take you. You shouldn't be driving anyway."

She rolls her eyes.

"What time is your appointment?"

"In an hour. There's a little playroom for Noah there so he can come with me."

"He can come to the park with me and Eli if you want?"

Before she can answer, Noah runs by full speed with one of his plastic red tubs presumably to fill it up with toys that she will have to fight with him to pick up later. "Well on second thought, he does seem to have plenty of energy to run off."

Twenty minutes later they are pulling up in front of Dr. Lindstrom's office and Elliot watches as she gives Noah directions about being a good boy and to listen. He's silently searching for any sign of discord. Anything that's off. Deep down he knows it's a good thing that she's kept up with her therapy. There was a time that he had a deep aversion to sitting on a plush couch and telling a shrink his feelings and even when he began to see it as a positive thing, he would blow it off sometimes when things were going well in his life. It's something that they both need and he realizes he needs to schedule an appointment for himself. It's been too long. There are demons that both of them harbor but he doesn't want that to ruin them. He wants to be able to continue to talk to her, to open up and not feel a sense of panic when he's away from her for long periods of time.

"Hey, did you hear me?" Olivia's eyebrow is arched, looking at him quizzically.

He kills the engine and smirks. "Yeah of course."

Not believing him she repeats herself. "The appointment should be an hour or so but don't rush with picking me up. You guys take your time. There's a coffee shop next door and I'll just hang out there until you all are done."

"You mean check work emails."

Rolling her eyes at obviously being busted she reaches in her bag and holds up a book. "I don't get a ton of quiet time these days to read so I'll just settle in with this." Elliot looks at the book, smiles and gives her a quick kiss before she leaves.

"Oh yeah and maybe I will check an email or two."

"I knew it," he yells out as the car door slams. He doesn't pull off right away and waits as she makes her way towards the entrance. She tosses her head, shaking her hair out of her face, clutching her bag close to her side. Her stride is different than the one he remembers walking side by side with him when they were partners. Fighting the urge to ask her what's wrong is difficult for him. If there was anything nagging at her before he left he wanted to address it, but he had to give her space and time to deal with it in her own way. Just as she has done for him.

In the park later, his heart is full watching Eli show Noah how to handle the ball and the little boy's giggles fill the air. He's always loved Central Park, but like many things in his life he never stopped to enjoy it. This time he does. The clear sky, trees, families having picnics, dogs catching frisbies and Noah's attention. A park free of the evil that he was used to associating with it. He's appreciating it all and having Olivia in his life has finally made everything come full circle for him.

His phone vibrates nonstop thanks to the group chat he has set up with the kids wanting to go to dinner tomorrow at their favorite pizza place. He's all too willing to oblige. Whatever they want, whatever they need. He's going to miss them. There's a good chance that everything was going to be okay on this trip. Danger was a part of what he did for a living for years, this time was no exception. But everything can change in an instant. So he's taking the time to smell the roses, see the trees, hear his kids' laughter.

He will most likely return but he doesn't want to have any regrets. There was a time that he left someone he loved and didn't say goodbye, didn't cherish those moments. That will never happen again. He was a lucky son of a bitch because he got something that most people never get...a second chance. And he would get it right from now on.

"Dad what are you doing over there?" Eli asks him curiously. "C'mon over here so I can beat you."

"Yeah come see Elli-yah," Noah adds almost tripping over the soccer ball that's too big for his little feet. "Look what I can do."

Elliot smiles and puts the phone deep in his pocket. "Alright boys. Let the old man show you how it's done."

{-}

The coffee shop is full of people going in and out, mindless chatter, girlfriends laughing. It's almost distracting but the normalcy of it all is music to her ears. Of course she couldn't help herself and had to check in with Fin to see how everything is going. The answers are brief and to the point which was typical Fin, but she has a sneaky suspicion that Elliot had something to do with this.

Adjusting her reading glasses, she relaxes into the lounger and attempts to read a little more. It's been an hour and she hasn't gotten past page 20 of "The Alchemist", a book that her mother loved to teach and read countless times over the years, because her mind continues to wander. Elliot sends her a few pictures of the boys playing and the smile on her son's face is enough to alleviate any weight on her heart. He is happy. Despite her time away from work, being hurt and his concern, he's happy. She does what she can as a mother and it's not perfect, but it's enough.

The shooting shook her up more than she let on. It gives her a heightened sense of mortality that she in the past had ignored. It's a minor injury but there is some lingering anxiety and her first thought was to see Dr. Lindstrom. She needed to get some things off her chest. He asked her a question that she was finally ready to talk about.

 _When you were a little girl, who took care of you?_

At the time she found the question invasive and didn't want to feel sorry for herself about her less than stellar childhood. It was also an opening for them to discuss the lack of having someone to take care of her as an adult while she was caught up in her own savior complex. She'd fought relationships in her life tooth and nail. Trusting and investing all seemed like too much work when she could just take care of herself. It would've been easy to have that in companionship. There would be no passion but a comfortable adoration that she could exist in. But she didn't want to just exist. She wanted to live. For the first time in a relationship she was living.

Later at home, she's tucking in a drained Noah who didn't make it through the first page of his bedtime story before he was sleeping. As she raises the blanket over him, his sleepy eyes flutter open. "Your arm still hurt?"

She smiles and palms his cheek. "It's almost as good as new."

"Ok." Within a second he's sleeping and she turns out the light.

She had no idea how exhausted she was until she's awakened by Elliot's soft voice. She didn't remember falling asleep.

"Hey baby, you fell asleep in your clothes," he says caressing her arms. "Otherwise I would've let you sleep."

"I must've been more tired than I thought." Checking her watch, she realizes she's been out for a little more than an hour. Standing, she waves off Elliot's attempts to help her undress.

He takes off his clothes and heads into the bathroom to shower while she rummages through her drawers for something to sleep in. Her arm is feeling well enough that she doesn't need to take her pain medication and her exhaustion takes a permanent hiatus when she catches a glimpse of Elliot's naked body through the shower curtain. For a second, she considers joining him but shower sex with her shoulder would be too much and Elliot was still handling her with kid gloves. She would have to change her approach. He wouldn't feel comfortable putting his weight on top of her but she could ride him. Just the thought of him on top of her is enough to send shivers down her spine. It has almost been a week and she misses him. She needed to feel him inside of her, to have that intimacy before he leaves.

Shedding her clothes, she moves over to the bed turning off the bedside lamp and cloaking the room in darkness.

When she hears the water stop running, her body shivers in anticipation. The seconds seem like minutes until Elliot appears at the door in nothing more than a towel with rivulets of water dripping down his body. He stops for a second taking her in, the dim light from the bathroom just enough for him to see that she's awake.

He visibly swallows, noticing her naked shoulders, the blanket falling just under neck. "Thought you were sleeping."

Olivia stretches dramatically allowing the blanket to fall to her waist, her full breasts and hard nipples on complete display. "Turns out I'm not that tired."

"You need to be sleeping," he groans, his growing erection visible through the towel. Moaning, she leans back into her pillow to get more comfortable. "Sure you don't wanna join me?"

His hands flex at his sides and she knows he's weakening. God, she's going to miss this. The playful push and pull, the banter and having him with her almost every night. His right hand scrubs across his face as his Adam's apple bobs up and down. She's got him almost where she wants him. Kicking off the covers, she reveals her completely nude body and a strained sigh leaves Elliot's throat.

"Come here."

The words no sooner leave her lips before he's on her. Their lips collide and the warm water from his shower against her bare skin heightens her senses. Tearing her mouth from his, she licks up the spare drops from his skin and tastes the mixture of water and body wash. His arm wraps around her waist, fingers digging into her hip and she loses control. Moving too quickly her shoulder hits his and she cries out.

"Shit, Liv let's stop. Let's just go to bed."

Immediately protesting the loss of him, she pulls him closer. "Please." Their eyes lock and she sees him struggling with the decision. "We can be gentle. I just need you." She closes her eyes, willing him to stop being overprotective for once and give her this. Her teeth sink into her bottom lip and she pulls at the loose knot of his towel. It takes a minute, but she feels his fingers weaken and let her pull it away.

His forehead touches hers and she breathes him in. "We can be gentle," she repeats.

"I'm going to try like hell to." His hands cups her breasts, his thumb circling her pebbled nipples. Adjusting his position on the bed, he spreads her legs a little wider, allowing himself to fit in between. While positioning himself, the hard ridge of the tip of his dick glides along her inner thigh. The pace is torturously slow and her answering moan is a mix of pleasure and frustration. She's aching for him to penetrate her, suck her breasts, taste her. He kisses a trail down her neck, chest and finally takes her nipple in his mouth.

Fuck. _How long has it been?_

The feeling shoots straight between her legs and she doesn't think she can wait. They should take this slow. Between her injury and his impending absence she should take the time to savor every inch of him, absorb every feeling. But she can't.

"El," she breathes. Sitting up, she sees his eyebrows furrow in confusion as she pushes him onto his back. Quickly, he catches the hint and lays back, helping her to straddle him. It's a challenge to move and keep her shoulder still but she's determined. There will be no pain tonight. Physical or otherwise.

Only pleasure.

With her legs astride his, she places her left arm on his chest for leverage. Her core hovers right above where she wants him the most. Even though she's aching for his touch, she wants to savor him. Slowly she drops kisses to his neck, his chest, her tongue tracing the contours of his body. His muscles tense beneath her lips. Reticent before, she can sense the urge building inside him.

"I'm going to miss these," Olivia whispers peppering kisses along his nipples and down his abs. She scoots back as she kisses him, finally grazing his rock hard length.

Elliot's back arches and even lost in a haze of desire, he's firmly holding her making sure she doesn't overextend her shoulder. Smiling, she takes him in her mouth. One long lick along the underside of his dick, before engulfing him completely.

"Fuck," he moans lightly gripping her hair. "Oh no. You're not getting me with that again. Not this time. Get up here."

With a sexy chuckle, she maneuvers back up the length of him balancing with one arm.

"Stay right here. Don't move," he tells her.

Elliot slides down the bed until his face is right beneath her heat. As she opens her mouth to protest, he licks the full length of her sex and it propels her forward, landing with her weight on her left hand gripping the headboard.

He pulls away for a second. "Careful, baby." His hand strokes her back to help her relax as he teases her engorged clit, quickly bringing her to orgasm. A blush covers her skin, illuminated with a damp sheen as she whispers his name over and over. Only he can do this. Bring her to the brink in record time, touching her inside and out.

Placing a quick kiss on her mound, he slides back up to the headboard and slips himself inside of her effortlessly. He moves slowly beneath her, each stroke careful, calculated. Every push into her body, pulls a tear closer and closer to the surface. Olivia meets him thrust for thrust driven by her need to show him what he already knows. That she loves him more than anything. They've come through it all, will go through more both individually and together but will always find their way back to each other.

Stride by stride.

Perfectly in sync.

"I'm going to miss you."

Elliot sits up, circling her legs around his waist. "I'm going to miss you too." He kisses her shoulder, rubbing his hands through her hair. "So much." He shifts inside her at the same time taking her nipple into his mouth and she's lost. Flying over the edge as her hips move automatically racing to bring him to nirvana. His teeth sink into her neck as he holds on trying to prolong the inevitable. She gives and he takes, absorbing the delirious feeling of her walls closing in on him.

She's close. So close. Again.

"You feel so good," he whispers in her ear tightening his hands around her waist. Leaning her back just enough, he hits the magic spot along the front of her wall and she explodes. This time he comes as well, her left arm wrapping around his neck not leaving an inch between them. She holds him close as the familiar warmth spreads inside her. His orgasm is endless, her walls contracting to pull as much of him in as possible.

"I got a little….carried away," he says rubbing her shoulder. "Are you sure you're okay?"

For once she doesn't answer on instinct. Her fingers draw patterns along his back, gliding along the beads of sweat. The moisture slides beneath her fingertips as she grins lazily into his neck. She can feel him smile against her shoulder and he knows even if she doesn't say anything. He always has.

This has been the essence of them. No amount of therapy, life experiences or time in SVU would ever make it all make sense to her. And that was okay too. Somehow through it all, their imperfect pasts had set up a perfect future. A pair of sick mothers and bastard fathers named Joe had created two people who despite their pasts were able to love unconditionally. Both each other and their children.

She had the family she always wanted. With her job she had the purpose she desired. And with the acceptance of her complicated journey and where it still had yet to lead her, she had everything she needed. It was her version of having it all.

So for once she didn't have to lie when she answers his question. It's the absolute truth.

"I'm fine."

{-}

 **Author's Note:** There will be an Epilogue to this up later this week. Thanks to all of you that have hung in with this story. It will be a year old on Wednesday and it's been quite a ride. I hope you all enjoyed Elliot and Olivia's journey, it was truly a pleasure to write. Thanks again and please let me know your thoughts about this chapter or the story overall in a Review. I love to hear from you all.

Until next time :)


	30. Chapter 30: Epilogue

**Four Months Later**

With his perfect posture and jaw slack, Elliot's face is the picture of serenity. As the open road surrounds them, Olivia lays back watching him while the corners of her lips curl up effortlessly. In this moment, Olivia sees no remnants of the hard edges and tough ridges of their past. No murders, rapes, abuse or darkness. The low hum of the engine is drowned out by the sounds of their sons in the backseat making idle conversation. The memories of the stories she confessed to him a few weeks ago after he returned from work are a distant thought. Lowell Harris, William Lewis, and those that cast a shadow over their lives are, for this brief instance of time, non-existent. Instead, there's just the perfect breeze that blows through the crack in her window as the strands of her hair take flight. There's an air of excited tension surrounding her and she tries to swallow it back. No matter what happens….today would be perfect.

Watching him now, she can't believe how far they've come. Through the last few years, most of her relationships have come after tragedy. Noah after Lewis, Cassidy after she thought she almost lost Cragen and Tucker after Utley. It was during one of their discussions late one night that Elliot realized that his relationships were similar. His son was conceived after a tough case, he asked to go back home after almost being indicted for killing a perp and kissed Dani after Olivia left him. But with the two of them this time around it was different. They came together during a time when they weren't searching for something or grieving a loss, but just living in their truth.

"Be careful Noah," Eli gently scolds from the back seat. Elliot glances at them in the rearview mirror while she turns around, peeking her head between the front seats. Noah puts on his best innocent face, highlighted by his red and blue striped shirt, but she knows that he's up to no good.

"Guys, we are almost there," Elliot calls out, his eyes going back and forth from the mirror to the road. "Just hold on okay?"

Noah shakes his water bottle, attempting to take the top off. "Lucky's thirsty." Eli holds his hand over the bottle to stop him.

Olivia gently takes the bottle away from him and replaces it with a toy. "He will be just fine for another thirty minutes, ok?"

Noah mulls it over for a second before reluctantly giving in. "Okayyyyy."

Olivia shakes her head and begins to type on her phone.

Elliot looks at her briefly, smirking. "Go ahead and say it Liv. I know you're dying to."

"I told you so. I told you so. I can't believe you bought them a dog."

The 9 pound yorkie that she's pretty sure isn't even a kid friendly dog but works well with Noah's allergies gives her his best cute face as if he knows she's still on the fence about his existence.

Adjusting the mirror to make sure he can keep a better eye on the boys, Elliot turns down the radio completely. "I've always kinda wanted a dog. I just never had the time and now I do."

His next assignment is not for another couple of months and even that one he made sure wouldn't last longer than a month. While he is away he promised her the dog would stay at Kathy's, but due to Noah's attachment she's pretty sure somehow he would end up at her apartment.

It was a random Saturday afternoon shortly after he returned from Denver when he surprised her and the kids by taking them to a pet store. He maintains that it's something that he's wanted but she knows it's because Noah hasn't stopped throwing hints about "doggies" and Eli was pretty excited the first time the topic came up at the dinner table.

"Dad, can we take him for a walk when we get there?" Eli asks still excited about even the most mundane tasks with the pup.

"Of course. You will have to since it's been a long ride."

"Yessss," Noah cheers petting Lucky's paw.

There is an amiable silence and she leans her head back on the seat taking deep breaths. She can do this.

Elliot's hand covers hers on her lap, giving her a comforting squeeze. He doesn't say anything but he knows she's a little anxious. She changed clothes at least a dozen times last night while at his place, determined to wear the perfect dress. She forgot her mom's earrings at home and it was too much trouble to go back and get them once they were on the road. For some reason she feels like she needs them with her today.

The situation also set up the perfect opportunity earlier for him to throw a not so subtle hint at moving in together.

"You know if all of your stuff was here we wouldn't have this problem." She had smiled and remained quiet. It wasn't the first time he made a similar comment but thankfully he's not rushing her, just letting her know what he wants. The thought has crossed her mind more often than she's willing to admit, but her mind is always on Noah. Her apartment is the only home he's ever known. Maybe she's being overprotective or thinking about it too much but...she's just being a mom.

"It's going to be fine," he says in response to her constant fidgeting. She smooths out the bottom half of the purple dress she wears. Slightly flaring at the waist, falling a little past the knees, she thought it was perfect for the occasion but now she feels like maybe she's overdressed.

"And you look fine. You look beautiful."

Rolling her eyes, she squeezes his hand in return to try and assure him it's all okay and immediately scolds herself for letting her nervousness be so damn obvious. Today is a big day for him as well. He's calm and playful but deep down she knows he's a little worried.

It's been awhile since he's seen his sister and even though she's feeling better and the doctors are optimistic that she will make a full recovery, he's still concerned.

Placing her hand on his neck, she massages back and forth along his nape. Elliot lets out a deep sigh, relaxing into her touch. "She's going to be fine, El. She can't wait to see you."

She's rewarded with a shy grin and he takes her hand from his neck and kisses inside her palm. "Oh I don't think it's me she's looking forward to seeing."

The sly comment picks at the nerves that she's been trying unsuccessfully to hide all morning. It was an important day for so many reasons. Not just because it is the first time he will be seeing his sister and a lot of his family for awhile but because it is the first time she is meeting them as well.

"Thanks for reminding me."

Elliot slaps her thigh playfully before turning serious. "Don't stress. They are going to love you."

Eyebrow cocked, she gives him a disbelieving look. "Yeah, like you would tell me any different."

"Seriously. They already think you are a saint for putting up with me for as long as you have. I'm sure my mother has a little to do with that as well."

"Well it's a tough job but someone's gotta do it."

Family has been on their mind moreso lately than ever. It started one night while Elliot was away. She had shown Noah a picture of her mother and told him one of the few happy memories of her childhood that she could remember. She made a copy of the picture that was on her desk and put it in Noah's room and was thrilled one night when he pointed to it and called her "Ga'ma." When Elliot returned from Denver, they went together to see her mom's grave. It seemed a bit morbid at first but oddly necessary. In all the years they were partners, he hadn't been there and it was something that she wanted to share with him.

They pass a sign that says Milford is only five miles away and she begins to check her makeup and the boys to make sure they haven't wasted anything. Fortunately enough, Lucky is being well behaved and by the time they pull into Julia's neighborhood, full of cookie cutter family homes, kids on bikes and white picket fences, she's calmed down.

There are cars spread from the driveway out to the street and she curses the fact that there are more people here than she thought, but she's equally thankful that Kathy agreed to skip this family gathering. There had been more conversations between the two of them once Elliot left town. They would never be the best of friends but she was thankful there was a relationship there and that she was kind of enough to sit this one out. Meeting his entire family was one thing, but meeting them under the scrutiny of his ex-wife would've made her more uncomfortable.

The boys get out of the car, Lucky darting out of his kennel with Eli holding steadfast to his leash while he went to relieve himself. Noah goes to run after him but not before Olivia holds onto him and fixes his clothes. "Ok lets tuck your shirt back in."

"Liv." Elliot holds her arm while Noah makes a quick getaway. "It's a barbecue and Julia and Tom have a lot of land. He's going to be running around and playing, that shirt won't stay tucked."

Olivia laughs at herself feeling foolish. "You're right."

"Of course I am," he agrees pulling her against him as they lean against the car. "And don't mess with your hair or makeup or dress or anything else. You look beautiful. Ok?" He holds her chin in his hand and kisses her sweetly on the nose.

Her arms encircle his neck as she holds her forehead to his. The street is something right out of "Leave it to Beaver," even more family oriented than Elliot's neighborhood in Queens. "It really is beautiful out here."

"Yes it—"

"Well well well," a woman's voice says on the side of him. Olivia jerks her head toward the sound while Elliot doesn't bother and curses under his breath instead.

"I hope you're ready because here we go," he whispers in her ear about ten seconds before the first Stabler woman is on her.

"Julia she's here!" she yells back towards the house. The woman has short brunette hair, cut into a perfect bob, and Olivia immediately feels she's dressed too formal as she takes in his sister's simple fitted jeans and yellow v-neck shirt that already looks as if a kid or two has wrinkled it a bit.

"You must be Sarah," Olivia says politely reaching out to shake her hand.

"Oh come here." Sarah pulls her into a hug. "I swear your pictures don't do you justice. You're absolutely beautiful, I love this dress."

"Pictures?" Elliot asks suspiciously.

"Oh Maur and Katie have sent us a few pics over the years but moreso recently," she winks at her irritated brother. "I don't know how you manage to snag such a looker. There must be some stuff she doesn't know. Don't worry, Juju and I plan to fill her in."

"Oh god." He rolls his eyes dramatically and the sibling banter between Elliot and Sarah manages to free her from any remaining nerves. It's so normal yet she's still mesmerized by little pieces of him everyday. Olivia peeks across the yard as Eli and Noah chase Lucky around and her son's laughter is music to her ears.

"Finally the guests of honor are here," another voice calls out. It is weaker than Sarah's but full of love and strength. Julia wears a bright yellow scarf on her head and a yellow sundress to match. She's thinner than the two pictures of her she's seen but the light in her eyes is the same. Elliot walks to meet her before she can round the cars in the driveway.

The hug between them is warm as he holds her so snug that they lightly sway from side to side. Even though she can't see his eyes, she knows he's probably tearing up. "It's about time you got your sorry ass out here." Julia slaps his arm as she pulls away. Deflecting from the emotional display proves she's definitely Elliot's sister.

She walks toward Olivia with him hot on her heels. "Well this is who I really came to meet."

"This is Olivia. Olivia this is Julia," he announces proudly with a hand around his sister's shoulder.

"I know who she is." Julia shoos him out of the way playfully. "It's great to finally meet you."

Olivia holds her breath as she hugs her. Despite her thinner appearance, the prominent features that remind her so much of Elliot are still on display. Seeing him sandwiched between his sisters and the adoration they clearly share almost brings tears to her eyes. The look on Elliot's face mirrors what she must've looked like the night she first introduced him to Noah. Two halves of their lives meeting for the first time.

"Elliot, go inside," Sarah pushes him towards the door. "Julia and I want some time with Olivia alone. Mom is looking for you anyway."

Walking a few steps away from his sisters' line of sight, he searches her eyes to make sure she's okay. Their unspoken communication at work, she gives him a reassuring smile and he heads inside.

Nervous, she braces herself to face the Stabler women and is thankful that Bernie isn't a part of this as well.

"When I said thank you for coming earlier I really meant it," Sarah begins. She's much shorter than Olivia due in part to her flat shoes but her fierce presence resonates all the same. "Elliot has kept his distance over the years and I know my parents have a lot to do with that. He always blamed the job but," she shakes her head and looks over at the yard that seems to have added ten more people to it in the few minutes since they've been there. "I know my mom can be a lot and the shadow of mighty Joe Stabler is always looming. He's come around more since he left the unit and got divorced but even then something was….off."

"I talked to him the day after you were shot,"Julia chimes in, squeezing Olivia's hand. "The only time I heard him that beside himself was after Katie got in trouble those years back. I knew before I was supposed to and before his stubborn ass would admit it to himself that he wasn't staying at SVU just to catch the bad guys."

She and Sarah exchange glances, figuring how much to say. "My dad was a son of a bitch that made life difficult more often than not. Especially for Elliot. I don't know why, but that was something that…..," she sighs and blinks away a tear. "I just want you to know. It's always been important for him to do the right thing because he was surrounded by a lot of wrong for a long time. It took him a while to make it right...with Kathy…..everything," she clarifies and Olivia begins to piece together what she's trying to say. His divorce. The years she thought he didn't feel the same way she did. He's told her several times without giving all the details of his past why he held back. Being out here with his family, seeing the shadows looming in his sister's eyes, she understands his behavior a little bit more. Not just the what but the why.

"I don't mean to make this uncomfortable Olivia," Sarah apologizes, backing up a little bit to give her space physically and emotionally to absorb it all.

"You're not at all," she waves off.

"Yeah, Elliot was right. You aren't a good liar."

The three women laugh in unison and for the first time since she's got there she truly begins to relax.

"That's a handsome boy you got there," Julia says as they walk towards the house to greet everyone and she glances over at Noah running after the dog with Elliot.

"Which one?" They all laugh again.

"Both of them but if you ever tell Elliot I said that I'll kill ya."

Olivia finds herself holding her hand tighter as they get closer to the fence and walk up to the backyard.

"Don't be anxious dear. Elliot's the scariest of us all and you seem to handle him pretty fine."

Over the next hour she hugs, talks and laughs with Elliot's siblings, nieces, nephews and his mom. They tell her stories of him growing up. Some endearing, some embarrassing, all interesting. They ask about her life and work and dote on Noah.

Throughout the day, her eyes shift to her son, who plays with the Stablers as if he's known them forever. His excited giggles are overheard among the crowd several times during the day as he plays with Lucky. She breathes easy, knowing he's safe, happy and having a good time.

Her phone is left in the car, for today Fin is in charge and she's going to enjoy the day with her son, Elliot and his family.

She will do the same when she and Elliot take their trip to the Dominican Republic in a few weeks.

Day by day she's inching closer to the balance she knows she needs to have. For herself. For her family.

Being here with him she finally realizes that all along his love was anything but unrequited. It had been reciprocated in the only ways he knew how. They both loved in a different way. Not boisterous and loud but quiet, intense and overprotective. He had been exactly what she needed him to be even when she didn't know it.

The longest relationship she'd ever had with a man.

Her protector.

Her partner.

For better or worse.

{end}


End file.
